My brother says that you always have to have a Plan B. Obviously, Plan A is not working out well for me so it is time to focus on making the best of Plan A as it unravels while putting together a solid Plan B.
Main Foci in life:
1) Family
2) Faith
3) Learning
4) Work
Yes, work is purely so that I can take care of the other things in my life. Yes, I am an ambitious person to some extent - but I have never had to succeed to the point of being the manager/supervisor/leader. I am perfectly fine being the worker bee - not the Queen.
Why? Because family/people come first. What truly matters in life comes down to relationships and the good that you were able to do for others. God knows that my babies and their families are everything to me. They have kept me going throughout the years. Choices I have made to focus on the family instead of on career -
Every new community meant plugging into the Church, the schools, and the library. Why have I not been following the basics during this latest move? Fear, trepidation, anxiety, depression - all these have taken over my personality. When did I lose my self-confidence? I used to feel as though I was a strong person. It's been years now since I have felt that way.
I have hills and valleys that I experience during my struggles. Sometimes I feel as though I am truly succeeding and then I end up experiencing the lows once again. God is speaking to me (sometimes I tell him that he needs to hit me over the head so that I hear) - but I do need to be able to listen and to follow obediently. I see how well my babies listen and follow Him and I am reminded of all the years that I spent on my knees placing their welfare in His hands since I couldn't always be there to protect them.
Now, He is clearly telling me that I need to start asking for things for myself. I have neglected myself for too long. What is it that would make me feel more whole? Teaching is no longer a joyful experience - however, I need to count my last days of teaching - not with fear and trepidation - but with doing my absolute best to at least reach the few who are trying to learn so desperately in the environment that they find themselves in. If I can do this, then I can at least bring some hope/learning to those who are receptive.
In addition, I need to look at what will help me grow in my own faith and learning. I have been so inundated in having to learn subjects that are not my field that I have neglected my faith studies and my own quest for knowledge in learning a new language. Those are some of the things that keep me looking forward rather than backward. St. Helena is such a beautiful role model for me - as are many of the saints as I learn more about their lives and their struggles. And, yet, they became saints. Isn't that what we all seek? Not for glory - but to be the workers for our Lord and to make a difference in others' lives along the way?
The readings for the Gospel today deal with the prodigal son. There are two "prodigal" sons in my life. One is my husband (yes, he is still truly my husband regardless of the papers existing of a civil divorce) and the other is a young man whom we took into our lives who decided to disappear. Both of them have made their choices to "break" family ties. They remain in my prayers. But, I have to remember to focus on those who remain in front of me.
God has blessed me with so much and I need to focus on that part of my life. What gifts do I have that I need to share with others? This is Laetare Sunday - as Isaiah reminds us: "rejoice with joy, you that have been in sorrow".
I have a true plan B mulling around in my heart and my head. Another move is coming up in my near future - thanks to the love and blessings of my children - but I need to fully prepare for it so that I am not a burden - and am a blessing to them as well.