I spent the day sleeping off what I think is just a silent migraine. I mean, I have some post nasal drip and tinnitus (usually a migraine symptom for me), but I haven't had a real fever - so it can't be the flu that everyone else in the household has had but I am extremely stressed and a bit run-down from lack of good sleep this past week.
Got up early this morning to take my temp and ended up crawling back into bed with a dose of Dayquil in my system.
I was locked in nightmares all day regarding my father. I am not going to re-live them here because I have a tendency to re-live nightmares anyway. There are some recurring ones that I have had since I was a little girl (my brain even seems to tell me, wait for it: here it comes again!).
What I realized after I was finally up today. This is February 4th - my Dad and my Momma's wedding anniversary. Do you know what January 28th was? The day my Dad's divorce from my mom was finalized. Yep, same year, same week. And my baby brother was born the following summer.
And someone else in my family is totally falling off of one of my pedestals. It's destroying me. It's bringing back and dredging up everything.
I even noticed strange red blotches have appeared in random spots on my body tonight. They don't hurt, they don't itch, they don't form a pattern, they are just there. I've had a hot shower, cup of citron tea, Nyquil, and now have a vitamin water on my nightstand. Praying that when sleep finally comes, that the nightmares won't be back.
I can't help thinking that my father's life has cursed us all. His selfishness seems to have bred more selfishness. That good ol' ripple effect. I prefer to believe in the best of people but I'm getting so cynical. I can't be happy for anyone celebrating a 25 year wedding anniversary because I am waiting for the second shoe to drop. my mom was right: it always comes. (and, with it, something bad).
Even praying is becoming difficult. I have one of my favorite prayers as my cover photo right now just to force me to be able to say that one.
Mani apayo.