You

Memories of you have gotten stronger and clearer as I embark on a different stage of my life.

For the first time in my life, I basically have a desk job. I'm preparing to move into an apartment again all by myself in about six/seven weeks.  It's all lined up - it just isn't available until then.  I do have several tasks regarding initial set-up and move-in but I'll worry about that at the beginning of next month.

The shows that appeal to me right now are more nostalgic and romantic. I still watch quite a variety but I am enjoying the fact that I do have evenings where I can have a drink and relax, play games, or read - and just feel safe and comfortable.

But my memories. I remember the evening we met. Dancing, conversation, flirting - and me giving you my phone number. It took you a couple of days to call but you did - and we ended up spending an entire day at King's Island. As we stood at the top of the fake Eiffel tower and watched fireworks, I realized that I was head over heels for you.

You were so handsome. And so attentive. And I like to remember you like that. I know that deep down, you're there. I just can't see you now. Maybe someday you'll return.

If you don't, then I don't think that I will ever tell you again that I love you - even though I do. Thank you for our girls - and our grandbabies. May they all just reflect the best of you.

Doesn't matter who you are spending your time with - we had many things together that no one else can ever touch. Be that good dad again who adored his girls. Be that fun Grandpa who loves to play. And be that good Catholic boy from Cincinnati who filled up my world. Forget me if you need to. But don't forget your children.

Things my husband no longer knows

I realized this the other day - my husband has no clue who I have become since he walked out that door on the night before our 30th wedding anniversary. Yes, we have a civil divorce (I do hate no-fault laws) but we do not have an annulment from our Church. Even if he somehow obtained one, I would not feel released from the vows that we made. I truly believe in the sacrament of marriage - it is until death us do part. period.

But, what has happened in these past years? I'll admit that a lot of it is a total blur because I was so deep in the midst of clinical depression (my husband once told me that depression is only an excuse to be lazy) that there is quite a fog in my brain and quite a loss of memory. I am pretty sure that I have emerged from the depths since I am no longer fighting suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I'll admit that they do pop up again from time to time but they are much easier to quell.

So, what doesn't he know? Well, for starters, there is no way that he would be able to guess who I consider to be my favorite actors and singers.  (I probably couldn't pick his either...)
He honestly wouldn't know that I have gone to the movies by myself now (something I had never ever done until just a few short years ago - three?) or that I have gone to a concert all by myself. Yep, I've done that now - despite my PTSD, despite my panic / anxiety disorder, despite my extreme fear of being in large crowds by myself.  (well, if our daughters have told him, then he might know)

I have moved across several states all by myself a couple of times now. I've driven that Uhaul/Penske truck all by my little lonesome - slept at truck stops - even gotten hotel rooms all by myself.  Of course, I did that from Florida to Iowa and back again during my years of college but that was before him.  I have done that with our littles in the van but I don't think that counts because I had someone else with me - even if I was the one in charge. One can always be stronger than what you normally are when one is in Mom mode.

I sometimes wonder if he can now remember the birthdates of his siblings and all of his nieces/nephews?  That was always my job. Does he know the birthdates of his grandchildren ? (without being reminded by his daughters?).  I guess that is no longer my concern.  On all of our special "dates" of the year, I try to do something - practically anything - to create new memories.  Does he do that? Or would he just not remember any way?  I mean, he actually forgot my birthday three times throughout our time together - maybe even more? maybe the kids or I reminded him some of the other times? But I was definitely devastated each of those three times. I was raised to celebrate on the day - no matter what.

I'm not strong - not like I used to be. I don't deal well with change. I drink a lot more than he would remember (even though it's still not that much). He wouldn't know that I love bekseju and Korean fried chicken. Nor even know that I enjoy a lot of Korean foods - even the spicy ones (just never seafood, thank you!). I love kimchi and ramyeon and seaweed and bibimbap and pickled radish and kimbap and hotteok and tteokboki and jjajangmyeon, etc.  Me, the picky eater.

Maybe he knows that I finally made it to Ireland. It doesn't matter - he never took me there. Next overseas trip will either be back to Ireland or to South Korea - that's my guess.

Postscript: I just discovered this sitting in my drafts from a few months ago. Might as well publish it because I was thinking about him anyway.