Rough day....rough week

Okay, okay. I've had some good moments this week. But I'm feeling miserable today. Not just emotionally - but physically. And you know how it is, if you don't feel well, then your emotional health starts going downhill also.

Really, I'd love to crawl back into bed today. "Do over"! I want a "do over"! Let me wake up from my dream and start this day over - without feeling this miserable. I started off on such a good note before bedtime also. Well, kind of....I was starting to feel badly then but I received a distress message on Facebook from an old college acquaintance. Her mother is in hospice and is in the end stages of her life - the nurse had awakened her to tell her to stay up and be with her mother while she passed. So, she reached out to me via message. Why me, you ask? Because I'm Catholic and I pray. Simply that. It's funny - she doesn't remember me from college days but I remember her (I've always been that way - easy to forget). She friended me one day because we have a "mutual" friend and she noticed that we are both Catholic, tend to think alike, went to the same college, and she liked one of my prayers.

Anyway, I immediately went to our Blessed Sacrament Chapel that is open 24/7, lit a candle, and prayed the rosary for her mom. The result: her mother is breathing much better. She slept easily through the night. Me, I was praying that Our Mother Mary would wrap her loving arms around her and lead her to her son Jesus. Instead, my friend's sister climbed up in bed with their mom, wrapped her arms around her, and fell asleep, while my friend watched over them throughout the night and the nurse was amazed at how their mom's heartbeat and breathing grew stronger. I got home well after midnight and then couldn't sleep.

Woke up to my illness - and a distress call from a couple of former students. I won't go into all of that. I'm still not feeling well. Afraid to move. I feel worse when I move but, suffice it to say, that took up my morning, and I got up at a decent time, honestly.

I have work to do. Work. Again, afraid to move. I can do it online but I really don't feel that well. Calling for that "do over", please! It's difficult to think - and that's what I need to be able to do.

Here's our chapel. If you ever need that special prayer, then I can get there in less than five minutes. I don't mind spending my time with Jesus. Truly, I'm honored to be asked.

My Daughters - C, S & J

Speaking to that last post regarding Depression, I must admit that I had moments where I could not deal with what was happening in my life. After my husband jumped ship, so to speak, as being my support and best friend - where could I turn? Well, Leila, helped bring me back from the depths of that dark night when I didn't follow through with my plan to end my life (and believe me, I still message her frequently!). But I needed someone who was around physically. (and I am speaking about someone besides my counselor - I highly recommend going to a counselor for someone like me!).

Something happened at school one day - actually, I made it in to school and then my close friend, M, took me to the front office and told them to find a substitute for me. At that time, the principal was still on my side and he agreed. I couldn't return home that day so it must have had to do with discovering something about my husband's overseas girlfriend/s. M suggested that I go to my middle daughter at IU. My two younger daughters were there but I only contacted S and I distinctly remember going to see her at the apartment that she shared with her girlfriend and she cuddled with me on her bed as I sobbed my heart out.

There have been many times now that I have relied on the strength of my daughters. I am so grateful that they have grown up to be such strong, faith-filled young women. I feel guilty when I turn to them - shouldn't I be the support for them? However, as much as I love my sisters, my daughters understand me more. Somehow, it seems as though I have lost my world at times because my husband truly was my best friend through all these years. I don't expect my daughters to become my best friends - just as I don't plan on being my mother's best friend and confidant - but I am forever grateful to them for the relationship that they have with one another and with me and that I can now go to them for advice.  Their husbands have even stepped into the "son" role without a sideways glance, it seems. They meet me with open arms (and that beer even - when needed!).

O Captain, My Captain

O Captain, My Captain

I suppose that after such a wonderful weekend with family celebrating my grandson's first birthday, it is only natural that this week is focused on the loss of Robin Williams due to his suicide.

Many people are speaking towards his depression, his battle with alcoholism and drugs, and the "selfishness" of it all. * Spoiler Alert* A Robin Williams movie that my family has "loved" is What Dreams May Come. Speaking towards the love, where Christy (Robin) actually goes into Hell to bring back his wife (a suicide). What love between man and wife is displayed in this movie - I thought I had that. Instead, when I was suicidal, my husband left me in those depths (and I later accused him of wanting me to go through with it to make his life easier - he had no response - because, of course, it would have paved a clear path for him). Instead, I was saved by God's grace and a friend in Arizona - whom I have yet to meet in person - but I dearly love. She reached out and "took my hand" - truly giving me that Life-line - when I needed it most. When you are in the depths of depression, there is no "selfishness" in your thoughts. You have become so small that you feel that no one will truly miss you - in fact, they will be better off without you. That's when you need people to tell you how important you are to them.

I continue to fight my demons of clinical depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and panic attacks/severe anxiety disorder. However, I have made a promise to my children: I will not leave them. God reached through to me in my depths and He brought me Leila. Thank you, my dear friend.

Robin, I am so sorry that you did not hear God's voice - or have that friend. I will miss you - you took a part of my heart from the moment you entered my world as Mork during my college years.

Things are looking up?

For me, this picture says it all and the most gorgeous man in the world, in my humble opinion, is wearing the shirt (2 birds with one stone). :)

Anyway, so, my help comes from four very special people in my life. Thanks to them, I will be able to take care of my tax debt and travel safely next week. Also, the garage repairs will begin on Monday - meaning the house can go on the market in August!

In addition, I will be employed once again officially in August. My preparations for classes begin this weekend with an official meeting with my department head next week also.

The new month brings about new beginnings. new schedules. new focus. Plenty for me to look forward to - preparations, celebrations, family, joy. Breaking away from the cycle of clinical depression with the gifts of family and friends whom God has given to me. Thank you, Lord.

Sidenote: the realization in the wee hours of this morning - before I went to bed - that I am beginning to think in short phrases - simple words - in Korean. Breakthrough.

Sinking into the Depths - once again

I returned home to discover a new round of troubles. A letter from the Sheriff - an actual warrant for failure to pay my state taxes to be paid in full this next month - or what? I guess I will be arrested for being poor. My biggest fear as a child was passing the "poor house" in Cincinnati - I knew that was where people went who couldn't pay for their livelihood so they had to live and work there. I was afraid I would somehow end up there. Wow, I guess that is how my life is turning out. I'm so poor that I can't pay my bills. I can't even afford to eat. I have some stuff stocked up here in the house so I am okay at the moment but still....

In addition, the gauges in my car have finally stopped working. I have to do something about that because I can't go driving anywhere without knowing how fast I am going or whether or not the gas tank is full....Now that I can put on the credit card. Yeah, I know, that sounds like a delay but my mother will pay that bill for me. I owe her so much when this house finally sells.

About that, it has stalled out. The garage has to be re-built, and now, with bringing all the stuff back from Kentucky, I have to re-arrange the inside of the house and get it show ready once again. I just feel as though I am at a total loss - plus, am I looking at being taken to jail?

I will call the Sheriff's office on Monday - with dread and trepidation in my heart - but I really don't know how to come up with that kind of money in one lump sum.

Also, He was in Mass this morning - not his usual time at all - which is why I get up and go early. Anyway, he was alone and I didn't keel over but he went up for communion. What has happened?? Has he finally gone to confession? Has he sent the girl back overseas? (She obviously wasn't in church with him.) I just don't know. Anyway, I am in serious need of prayers. Help me, Lord.

Dealing With My Life

Setting Operation:My Town in motion required that I enlist some support. I started calling in the cavalry. Seriously, I sent my post to friends - both far and near - and asked for help. I know, I know. I'm the original "I can do it myself" personality. I realized that this was just too big for me to handle alone. And, I have had wonderful friends invite me to dinner, stop over for coffee, and call to give me a "pep" talk from as far away as France! God decided I REALLY needed help!

Now, here's another shocker. I have a man, 14 years my junior, who asked me out to dinner. He thinks I'm beautiful and only two years older than himself. Yeah, I tried to correct him and he wouldn't hear me out. Anyway, I had to have the "I have a civil divorce but I'm still married in the eyes of the Church talk". Said he still wanted to be around me so I countered with "I have to discuss this with my priest".

So, after I went down and gathered all of my belongings in Kentucky (which I loaded up in my car all by myself) - and then unloaded - all by myself, I decided that I needed to go have a talk with Father. Yep, you guessed it. He responded with, "Meet me in the confessional"!Well, on my way to the confessional, my tire went flat - not just a little bit flat, all the way to the ground, no way it's going to hold air, flat. Fortunately, a state trooper stopped, then a city policeman, and I had company until the AAA guy arrived. Do I need to state that the one civilian who stopped was Him? The one person that I did NOT want to see - yeah, my ex. I didn't have my panic meds with me and I proceeded to have a bit of a meltdown in the officer's patrol car. The officer was awesome and I don't think that my ex realized anything. So, several hours later, and two new tires later (my spare was flat, too) - I finally returned home - unable to see Father that day. I was shaky, near tears, and that younger male friend called to check on me - he ended up stopping by right after work for 10 minutes just to give me a much-needed hug.

Next morning, there I am, at the confessional - 10 days after my last confession. I went through everything with Father - having to move out, my new friend, the flat tires, the meltdown, etc, etc, etc. All the way through the hug and being asked out to dinner. Truly, after having felt so strong, that had dissipated and I was a mess. But I was gathering my strength once again to head out East to help take care of my daughter and her two little girls because she had called and asked me to come. Father blessed me and told me that I really had nothing to confess this time.

Shocking, I know. He told me to sit on the porch and have a beer with my friend - go out and have dinner. Told me that I wasn't the one doing anything to not receive communion for because I'm not the one who walked out on the marriage - he knows my values and morals - said I deserved a hug now and then (Father gives me hugs every Sunday). I've had quite the long discussion with my friend - he says it sucks but he'd rather be around me as a friend than not at all. So, we have to find him a woman to date.

Because I'm still moving when my house sells. I have a plan.

Operation: My Town

Okay, last week, my soul walked a path of devastation. I received news that my (ex) husband was bringing his overseas girlfriend here - to my town - for the summer. First, they are going on family vacation with our nieces, nephews, and my in-laws to Tennessee - then, they will be here. I am stuck here until the garage is repaired and I can get this house on the market. I thought, well, I can deal with this, because then I can leave and go back to Kentucky. I'm still waiting for the insurance to come through so I can get moving on the garage but I did start sorting and trying to figure out what was fine and what was totally lost in the mess. Then, I received the phone call requesting that I remove my things from Kentucky and return to Indiana - for good. Ah, yes, I am, in fact, the red-headed stepchild.

So, I cried in my beer (all 1-2 bottles of it per night - I'm a lightweight) and I reached out to people. I saw friends whom I haven't seen in years and I poured out my pain. And, they supported me. Shock. Me, the one who had felt so unworthy and so lost. I haven't had a migraine all week in the midst of this. That, in itself, is amazing. I even had one of my former students come stay with me and help me out in that garage for two days. I went to early mass on Sunday and went out for coffee with one of my friend's husbands. We had such a good talk - and then, when I returned, I asked Father if I could see him for a few minutes and he said, "Sure, meet me in the confessional". Meet me in the confessional. A few years ago that would have brought on fear and trembling - couldn't handle going to confession - another stressor. Now, meet me in the confessional - sure, why not? It's such a "Catholic" thing to do. So, I did. I went to meet Father in the confessional. I told him about my week. I gave it all to Jesus. I received my penance.

In the midst of my penance, this "thought" came to me. You were once the "crime-watch lady" back when my children were little in another town. I was fierce. I reclaimed the neighborhood so our children could play in peace and not be bullied. This is MY town. I have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life. Why have I become the agoraphobic? Why have I been driven to live only in my tiny little space? So, beginning today, I'm reclaiming my neighborhood. my town. I won't be bullied this summer. Operation: My Town begins.

I'm Back

I'm back. Not because I wanted to be - the garage burned.

So not only do I have fire damage, but I have water damage. And, according to the realtor, until everything is taken care of, I can't put the house on the market so I am here for an indefinite amount of time. Not a happy camper. I truly have a lot of work to do.                                                              

     That doesn't even scratch the surface of the other emotional baggage that I will be dealing with this  summer. I am wanting to shake my fist up at the heavens and ask how much more must I deal with but that honestly isn't how I deal with things. I went and had dinner and a beer with good friends tonight and spilled my guts. I will immerse myself in Korean music (no memories in that) and, if I need to cry, then I will cry. I've already called all of my children and talked to my big brother. Tomorrow, I will try to lose myself in the tasks at hand. And not think.                                                             

                                                          

Final Weekend

It's Friday - the countdown is here. Come Monday, hell or high water, I am leaving the keys with the realtor and I am out of here. Have I told you how much I love this house? The tears have been flowing off and on all day. I will get through this. The garage roof has been replaced, the yard has been overhauled, and I have someone lined up to build new porch steps for the side porch. My task is to go through the house, room by room, and make sure that it is "show ready".

We moved into this house 15 years ago on June 1st. This is the longest in my entire life that I have lived anywhere. Later this month, my 33rd wedding anniversary will pass unnoticed by anyone but me. That's because the civil divorce went through on Halloween of this past year - 32 years and holding. However, in the eyes of the Church, we have a sacramental marriage which "no man can put asunder". Truth be known, that man will always have my heart and soul and I have to be quiet about it. He doesn't want to hear it and neither do my family members who think I should be "picking myself up by the bootstraps and getting on with my life".

My solution: Move. Move far, far away. Go someplace where no one knows me. Initially, I have to spend time back in the place of my childhood until my house sells due to finances but, once the house sells, I am going to invest in my retirement home and move farther south. I'm going to land close to a couple of my siblings so that I will have some resources but I am going to choose my own space. I need a new "safe place". I don't have one right now and I think that adds to my emotional upheaval.

What am I looking for? Warmth - but I'm not a beach person - I like forests. I enjoy smaller towns where I can easily get into a larger city when needed. I would like a little bit of land where I can have a couple of chickens to lay fresh eggs and space for a garden. Ah, yes - there has to be a Catholic church in the community so that I don't have to travel far for mass. Jack would like a fenced-in back yard. I'm not asking for much - you think? *heavy sigh*

Moving Forward with Unexpected Help

I've really had to walk through a deep valley of tears here. However, when things were looking their absolute worst, I broke down and called my "enemy" and practically begged for help. And, you know what? He said yes. I was even willing to "make a deal" and I didn't even have to go that far. So, I now have the money that I need to make repairs on the house to get it ready for the market. (Yeah, I couldn't get a loan on my own - I lost my job, my credit cards, and credit scores - amazing what unemployment combined with a divorce can do to you). The contractor came today - just waiting for that estimate so I know what other projects I can afford to tackle.

In the meantime, I've been boxing things up, scrubbing, re-arranging, cleaning out closets, etc., etc., etc. I have purchased paint for one of the bathrooms (have to get rid of the wallpaper first!) and I have plans to build some new porch steps. Just can't swing painting the house but I will plant flowers again and re-gain some curb appeal.

Now, as for my soul, it's nice to be where I'm comfortable going to confession and to have a priest who knows my pain, views me as a friend, and will hug me. (I don't get hugs anywhere else since my children and grandchildren aren't around). We also have an "adoration" chapel - where one can always go and sit in the presence of Our Lord. (You see, I tend to only go out when it's dark and I won't encounter anyone).

I think I've mentioned this before but my days are filled with Korean music - cranked to the fullest. I'm making new memories - enjoying songs from the dramas that I enjoy or by the actors within those dramas - nothing that has any ties to the past. In the evenings, I'll take the time to watch some episodes or to work on learning the language. Maybe it's a form of escape but it's a way of creating something new. My nightmares have subsided. Yes, it is still very difficult to go to sleep - even with my meds - but I have a playlist of over 100 songs now that I just put on and they continue all through the night. Quite indescribable as to how delightful it is to me to wake up and to think, "Oh, that's Lee Jun Gi or Kim Jae Joong or Hyun Bin singing right now." They have such beautiful voices and, since I can't understand all of the words, that's what I hear - their beautiful voices. There are about a dozen Korean actors whom I enjoy tremendously - maybe more now - a few of them are so cute that I just want to adopt them as sons and the others, well, they are just downright gorgeous men. (I've always liked tall, dark, and handsome - regardless of ethnicity).

Kim Jae Joong singing For You