I actually got "out" this weekend! Shocking, I know. My baby girl brought her boyfriend home - forcing me to actually go to the grocery store prior to their arrival - and then we enjoyed an evening at Mass, out to dinner, and then back in for conversation (along with one of my "adopted" sons).
The snow has melted - actually helping to alleviate my winter-time blues. (I no longer enjoy "snowy" days - a sign that I need to go "south"). I was always so contemptuous of "snowbirds" when I lived in Florida - of course, I am actually speaking of moving South for good - not just the winter months....
And, I think that I have finally eliminated the source of my respiratory illness these past several months. It took an extreme migraine to "trigger" my super-sensitivity to smells mode and I discovered that there were still traces of scent from when that feral cat was locked in my house for over a week last year. I mean, it was so bad that I vomited. (Not to be too disgusting but I couldn't go anywhere near the front room without a mask). After cleaning the carpet four times, I finally contacted my friend who is a professional carpet cleaner and his professional opinion was "rip it out". So, my very favorite carpet in the entire house is now gone. The room is still torn apart as I need to continue to scrape up bits of carpet pad clinging to spots here and there but I have used Murphy's oil soap on the main areas and I'm not smelling anything offensive wafting into me in the family room at the moment. JOY!
I have also experienced another breakthrough in the midst of this hard work and joy for three nights in a row: No nightmares! Not entirely restful sleep but I had dreams - and they were in Korean. No, I'm not fluent yet so it was more "Konglish" but also the people in my dreams were all Asian. No one represented anyone who makes me frightened or sad in my nightmares. I woke up feeling the best that I have in a really, really long time.
Well, enough of this: I need to grade papers.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Giving up on one dream
I've come to realize.....
I used to always say that I had a "book in me".
Seriously, I started writing one when I was 10 years old: called The Lake Mahuba Mystery. I never finished it but it had a cast of a dozen kids (I always wanted a dozen children back when I was young). And, of course, they all had their own dogs. :)
As I got older, I became a little more realistic and decided that a family of at least five children would be nice - that's because I loved having four brothers and sisters. And, I still dreamed of writing that book. Over the years, I've still dreamed of writing that book. Oh, not the one that I originally started but I continued to read and read and read and dreamt of contributing something to the world of literature.
Now, as I've become a grandmother, I've realized that time has passed. I don't speak in the flowery language that I once did. My daughters are much more gifted than I am. They should be the ones to write the books, not I. I enjoy reading the books aloud to my grandbabies. That's the stage of life that I have come to now.
I'm still learning. My mother and father both instilled a joy of learning new things on a daily basis into me. So, even though I have lost my flowery language, or have realized that maybe I don't have that "book in me", I can still enjoy learning. I hope I pass that joy of discovery on to my babies, and to their babies, and to generations to come.
I used to always say that I had a "book in me".
Seriously, I started writing one when I was 10 years old: called The Lake Mahuba Mystery. I never finished it but it had a cast of a dozen kids (I always wanted a dozen children back when I was young). And, of course, they all had their own dogs. :)
As I got older, I became a little more realistic and decided that a family of at least five children would be nice - that's because I loved having four brothers and sisters. And, I still dreamed of writing that book. Over the years, I've still dreamed of writing that book. Oh, not the one that I originally started but I continued to read and read and read and dreamt of contributing something to the world of literature.
Now, as I've become a grandmother, I've realized that time has passed. I don't speak in the flowery language that I once did. My daughters are much more gifted than I am. They should be the ones to write the books, not I. I enjoy reading the books aloud to my grandbabies. That's the stage of life that I have come to now.
I'm still learning. My mother and father both instilled a joy of learning new things on a daily basis into me. So, even though I have lost my flowery language, or have realized that maybe I don't have that "book in me", I can still enjoy learning. I hope I pass that joy of discovery on to my babies, and to their babies, and to generations to come.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Christmas Season - heading into Candlemas
I'm now into the lonely dregs of January. Snowed in, to be exact.
I had an absolutely joyous "Christmas in Cambridge" as we welcomed a new little baby boy into the family early Christmas Day! Being surrounded by all of my babies and their babies is this mother's greatest joy. I was able to ignore the other hurts of the season for the most part (the nightmares remain and continue).
Grades - I've almost caught up with them! Even though I'm creating more assignments, I have a sense of keeping my head above water. Nice. And, I'm not truly sick - even though my throat is starting to bother me a bit and a cough is beginning to develop. Keep that hot tea coming!
And, omo, omo, omo! My Korean is getting better and better! Now, I just need some true study time! In addition, I watched a K-drama (twice) this past week. I am so "in love" with the main character. That's exactly the kind of love that I thought that I had with my husband. (Maybe that's why I'm a bit in a funk - but every time the actor smiles - he makes me smile). He's not Hyun Bin (my very fave) but he has adorable dimples and a smile that lights up a room. The character he portrays is a modern day perfect gentleman - who only has one love until the end of time. If you want romantic drama, then watch "Angel Eyes" with Lee Sang Yoon.
Oh, and don't forget to choose a new saint for the new year! Jen Fulwiler has that awesome Saint Randomizer - I tell you, it works for me every time! This year I got St. Henry II, whose feast day is July 15th. Yeah, I never heard of him either but, get this, he's the patron saint of Benedictine oblates! Who knew???
New Year's Resolutions: get this house sold, move south, become a better Benedictine, and learn that Korean! Have a wonderful and joyous new year!
I had an absolutely joyous "Christmas in Cambridge" as we welcomed a new little baby boy into the family early Christmas Day! Being surrounded by all of my babies and their babies is this mother's greatest joy. I was able to ignore the other hurts of the season for the most part (the nightmares remain and continue).
Grades - I've almost caught up with them! Even though I'm creating more assignments, I have a sense of keeping my head above water. Nice. And, I'm not truly sick - even though my throat is starting to bother me a bit and a cough is beginning to develop. Keep that hot tea coming!
And, omo, omo, omo! My Korean is getting better and better! Now, I just need some true study time! In addition, I watched a K-drama (twice) this past week. I am so "in love" with the main character. That's exactly the kind of love that I thought that I had with my husband. (Maybe that's why I'm a bit in a funk - but every time the actor smiles - he makes me smile). He's not Hyun Bin (my very fave) but he has adorable dimples and a smile that lights up a room. The character he portrays is a modern day perfect gentleman - who only has one love until the end of time. If you want romantic drama, then watch "Angel Eyes" with Lee Sang Yoon.
Oh, and don't forget to choose a new saint for the new year! Jen Fulwiler has that awesome Saint Randomizer - I tell you, it works for me every time! This year I got St. Henry II, whose feast day is July 15th. Yeah, I never heard of him either but, get this, he's the patron saint of Benedictine oblates! Who knew???
New Year's Resolutions: get this house sold, move south, become a better Benedictine, and learn that Korean! Have a wonderful and joyous new year!
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Awake - but am I?
I've been really sick again - this time it is totally respiratory - so my brain isn't functioning as well either. I've just spent hours and hours locked in a "nightmare" - trying to re-do it or trying to make sense of it. So, I'm writing before I lose it.
While locked in my "dream world" I spent time alone with my in-laws and then so did my husband. My ex-husband. What do I really call him here? We are broken apart civilly but not in the eyes of the church and he has a girlfriend he says he wants to marry. Here's what I've discovered: he hasn't taken her to work (either location) or to mass (our parish) - so he isn't showing her off to the people that he would normally care about showing her off to. Is it because he fears the repercussions? He wants to marry her but he can't take her to places where I am known? (It is very true that I have friends who won't let their husbands go to one of his workplaces because he works there but I have never told him that). And, the other location, well, his boss is like another father to our children - I know he knows how HE feels about this entire predicament - he's lost all rights to travel overseas for business because of it (whether he knows it is because of his actions or not - however, I know). So, where did he take her all summer? WHO did he show her off to? The little girl at the bank saw her once or twice because her dad lives in the same apartment building.
So, in my dream (nightmare), I spent time with my in-laws (only the nieces/nephews were younger but my children weren't). Then, he went and spent time with them. He was totally carefree - in his own little world. Happy to be back in familiar surroundings - while I was miserable. I was totally miserable alone. He was carefree and oblivious.
Then, I somehow ended up going to church with my Dad after mass. He had received some sort of "medal" for being such a model citizen for the congregation. I was enjoying spending time with my Dad - and I kept comparing his attitude. carefree and oblivious. Totally unaware of the hurt that he had caused his children over the years. Then I would see my husband - totally carefree and oblivious. They seemed to be one and the same.
I was the one in pain throughout every hour of that dream/nightmare - I won't go through all the sufferings I encountered and each time I either ended up seeing either my Dad or him - and each time they were carefree and oblivious - happy to be on their own. What is this telling me? Just to let everything go? My position will never be understood?
The saints who seem to speak to me: St. Monica, Mother Teresa, and St. Helena - they all leave me with the same message with the three people who have confounded me most in my life. I have to accept them where they are, love them for what they gave me, and focus on the blessings that I have right now in front of me. Everything else (if I suffer for it) is an offering to God.
This is my Advent.
While locked in my "dream world" I spent time alone with my in-laws and then so did my husband. My ex-husband. What do I really call him here? We are broken apart civilly but not in the eyes of the church and he has a girlfriend he says he wants to marry. Here's what I've discovered: he hasn't taken her to work (either location) or to mass (our parish) - so he isn't showing her off to the people that he would normally care about showing her off to. Is it because he fears the repercussions? He wants to marry her but he can't take her to places where I am known? (It is very true that I have friends who won't let their husbands go to one of his workplaces because he works there but I have never told him that). And, the other location, well, his boss is like another father to our children - I know he knows how HE feels about this entire predicament - he's lost all rights to travel overseas for business because of it (whether he knows it is because of his actions or not - however, I know). So, where did he take her all summer? WHO did he show her off to? The little girl at the bank saw her once or twice because her dad lives in the same apartment building.
So, in my dream (nightmare), I spent time with my in-laws (only the nieces/nephews were younger but my children weren't). Then, he went and spent time with them. He was totally carefree - in his own little world. Happy to be back in familiar surroundings - while I was miserable. I was totally miserable alone. He was carefree and oblivious.
Then, I somehow ended up going to church with my Dad after mass. He had received some sort of "medal" for being such a model citizen for the congregation. I was enjoying spending time with my Dad - and I kept comparing his attitude. carefree and oblivious. Totally unaware of the hurt that he had caused his children over the years. Then I would see my husband - totally carefree and oblivious. They seemed to be one and the same.
I was the one in pain throughout every hour of that dream/nightmare - I won't go through all the sufferings I encountered and each time I either ended up seeing either my Dad or him - and each time they were carefree and oblivious - happy to be on their own. What is this telling me? Just to let everything go? My position will never be understood?
The saints who seem to speak to me: St. Monica, Mother Teresa, and St. Helena - they all leave me with the same message with the three people who have confounded me most in my life. I have to accept them where they are, love them for what they gave me, and focus on the blessings that I have right now in front of me. Everything else (if I suffer for it) is an offering to God.
This is my Advent.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Distinguishing between penance and counsel
After an angst-filled night and day following confession with a new young priest, I have prayerfully received my own answer.
I cannot follow his counsel. I've already done my penance. I'm grateful that most of my confession was received as "human emotions" - normal ones, at that. After years of being told that you are the "crazy one", it is always best to have complete strangers deliver a different perspective or "barometer" and tell you that you are experiencing perfectly normal reactions and emotions.
Back to his counsel. It totally tore me apart all last night. I truly believe that God spoke to me and reminded me that young priest is also "human" - experiencing his own normal emotions. He, too, is a product of a divorced household. And, he just spent a week with his mom - back in his old neighborhood, getting the old house on the market to sell. I'm sure he just walked down his own "memory lane". My situation and emotions certainly must have stirred up his own. I can't take his counsel.
He wants me to take the route of self-preservation. I truly appreciate that, I do. But my children are so much more important to me. And it's not just that I detest confrontation (which I really do), but I also believe in doing whatever I can to make my children happy. I am a mom first and foremost. That is the most important role I've been given in this life.
Maybe that's where I lost my husband. There were times when I did put our children first. Why? I wasn't being disrespectful to him - they were God's gifts to us and they required me more at those times. After all, he was the adult and the dad. They were my babies and always will be. (One thing I did learn as a product of divorce - my mother always took the side of her husbands and never, ever protected her children in the process. In my head, I know that she was doing what she was taught/raised to do, but I was truly hurt/damaged by that oversight - and, years later, I realize how deeply my brother was hurt by that also.)
I'm sure that I could never have truly voiced all the pain from the past as I fought to protect my own. But, as I've paced and prayed through this past night and day, the turmoil finally quieted when I realized that I don't have to follow a priest's counsel in the same way that I have to follow the penance. One is handed to me as he stands in his role as Christ - and forgives my failings and sins as a human - while the other comes from his own human emotions and background. He, too, has a similar pain as mine. He was being a "good son" and wanting to protect me as he couldn't protect his own mother as she experienced what I did when his father walked out on his family when he was a teenager. He even stated that he couldn't imagine what my daughters are experiencing at this stage in their lives. Totally empathetic.
I'm sorry, dear young Father. I have to ignore your counsel. God is telling me that my instincts as a mom are so much more important. It feels like I am breaking some kind of "rule" going against your counsel but I am old enough to be your mom. In fact, that's why I think you gave me the counsel that you did. Truly, it was enough for you to tell me that I'm not "crazy" - that I'm "normal". Thank you for that. I think this is just another one of my crosses as I follow St. Helena along her path.
I cannot follow his counsel. I've already done my penance. I'm grateful that most of my confession was received as "human emotions" - normal ones, at that. After years of being told that you are the "crazy one", it is always best to have complete strangers deliver a different perspective or "barometer" and tell you that you are experiencing perfectly normal reactions and emotions.
Back to his counsel. It totally tore me apart all last night. I truly believe that God spoke to me and reminded me that young priest is also "human" - experiencing his own normal emotions. He, too, is a product of a divorced household. And, he just spent a week with his mom - back in his old neighborhood, getting the old house on the market to sell. I'm sure he just walked down his own "memory lane". My situation and emotions certainly must have stirred up his own. I can't take his counsel.
He wants me to take the route of self-preservation. I truly appreciate that, I do. But my children are so much more important to me. And it's not just that I detest confrontation (which I really do), but I also believe in doing whatever I can to make my children happy. I am a mom first and foremost. That is the most important role I've been given in this life.
Maybe that's where I lost my husband. There were times when I did put our children first. Why? I wasn't being disrespectful to him - they were God's gifts to us and they required me more at those times. After all, he was the adult and the dad. They were my babies and always will be. (One thing I did learn as a product of divorce - my mother always took the side of her husbands and never, ever protected her children in the process. In my head, I know that she was doing what she was taught/raised to do, but I was truly hurt/damaged by that oversight - and, years later, I realize how deeply my brother was hurt by that also.)
I'm sure that I could never have truly voiced all the pain from the past as I fought to protect my own. But, as I've paced and prayed through this past night and day, the turmoil finally quieted when I realized that I don't have to follow a priest's counsel in the same way that I have to follow the penance. One is handed to me as he stands in his role as Christ - and forgives my failings and sins as a human - while the other comes from his own human emotions and background. He, too, has a similar pain as mine. He was being a "good son" and wanting to protect me as he couldn't protect his own mother as she experienced what I did when his father walked out on his family when he was a teenager. He even stated that he couldn't imagine what my daughters are experiencing at this stage in their lives. Totally empathetic.
I'm sorry, dear young Father. I have to ignore your counsel. God is telling me that my instincts as a mom are so much more important. It feels like I am breaking some kind of "rule" going against your counsel but I am old enough to be your mom. In fact, that's why I think you gave me the counsel that you did. Truly, it was enough for you to tell me that I'm not "crazy" - that I'm "normal". Thank you for that. I think this is just another one of my crosses as I follow St. Helena along her path.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
And so... my epiphany...
The paperwork has been completed. Later this morning - yes, okay, I haven't been to bed yet....my realtor will return to the house and take photos and measurements. The house is finally, finally, finally going on the market.
So, I had a former student question me just a little while ago, "are you happy?" Am I happy? I had to tell him no, I'm not happy. How can I be happy - to feel forced out of the house that I loved? However, I could tell him that I am looking forward - and asked him if that counted? He told me that yes, that was still a good thing.
I am looking forward - a new adventure, a new home, a new community - as I "escape" from here. I'm not doing well with the fact that my husband has applied for that marriage license, or the fact that he has started taking her to vacation spots that hold great significance to the two of us, and I told my former student that if he follows through with the marriage, then he is just compounding his sin and damning his soul. That makes me sad. He asked me how? And I explained what it meant to have a valid, sacramental marriage - one where the vows can only be broken through the death of one spouse. Then he asked if my husband was still Catholic? And I told him that since he still attends Church and cantors, that at some level he must still consider himself to be Catholic. My student acknowledged that assessment.
The next question was interesting. My student asked if he was damned for not being Catholic? I told him no - that was between him and God. (He comes from a Nazarene background and can no longer accept all of the fundamentalist views - he even went to "confession" with an Episcopal priest friend of his after one gut-wrenching discussion we had one night). I went on to explain that my husband had full knowledge of his sins and could be cleansed by going to confession and giving up on his relationship with that girl. Then my student stated that he had such a difficult time with religion because of having to follow rules.
Here's my epiphany: I told him that it wasn't difficult for me because I was more in love with Jesus than I ever was in love with my husband. (When did I reach that point in my life? Did I always feel that way? From my tea parties with Jesus as a toddler? Is this why confession has become easy for me now when it once tortured me? Was it something that was re-kindled because I've had to rely on following St. Helena's path on searching for the Cross? I don't know - but I truly meant it.) Plus, I told him that God was filling that void for me with my children and my grandchildren. The Holy Spirit had already spoken to me about that while I was in Pennsylvania for Gabriel's first birthday. As I explained that to him, I felt such a peace flood through my entire being. Such a beautiful confirmation that I am truly a child of God. He will take care of me.
I truly don't believe that this is the path He had chosen for me either - darn that free will! Other people's choices can certainly affect you. God is just helping me pull it all back together.
So, I had a former student question me just a little while ago, "are you happy?" Am I happy? I had to tell him no, I'm not happy. How can I be happy - to feel forced out of the house that I loved? However, I could tell him that I am looking forward - and asked him if that counted? He told me that yes, that was still a good thing.
I am looking forward - a new adventure, a new home, a new community - as I "escape" from here. I'm not doing well with the fact that my husband has applied for that marriage license, or the fact that he has started taking her to vacation spots that hold great significance to the two of us, and I told my former student that if he follows through with the marriage, then he is just compounding his sin and damning his soul. That makes me sad. He asked me how? And I explained what it meant to have a valid, sacramental marriage - one where the vows can only be broken through the death of one spouse. Then he asked if my husband was still Catholic? And I told him that since he still attends Church and cantors, that at some level he must still consider himself to be Catholic. My student acknowledged that assessment.
The next question was interesting. My student asked if he was damned for not being Catholic? I told him no - that was between him and God. (He comes from a Nazarene background and can no longer accept all of the fundamentalist views - he even went to "confession" with an Episcopal priest friend of his after one gut-wrenching discussion we had one night). I went on to explain that my husband had full knowledge of his sins and could be cleansed by going to confession and giving up on his relationship with that girl. Then my student stated that he had such a difficult time with religion because of having to follow rules.
Here's my epiphany: I told him that it wasn't difficult for me because I was more in love with Jesus than I ever was in love with my husband. (When did I reach that point in my life? Did I always feel that way? From my tea parties with Jesus as a toddler? Is this why confession has become easy for me now when it once tortured me? Was it something that was re-kindled because I've had to rely on following St. Helena's path on searching for the Cross? I don't know - but I truly meant it.) Plus, I told him that God was filling that void for me with my children and my grandchildren. The Holy Spirit had already spoken to me about that while I was in Pennsylvania for Gabriel's first birthday. As I explained that to him, I felt such a peace flood through my entire being. Such a beautiful confirmation that I am truly a child of God. He will take care of me.
I truly don't believe that this is the path He had chosen for me either - darn that free will! Other people's choices can certainly affect you. God is just helping me pull it all back together.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
My "Korean" obsession - explaining myself - somewhat
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Hyun Bin
Park Shi Hoo
Lee Min Ho
These are my top three favorite Korean actors - in no particular order. I don't care what they are in - Korean drama or movie, I will watch it and I will enjoy it. Not only that, I will go back and re-watch scenes just so I can see them again and again. Why? Because they bring happiness to my world. In a world that no longer harbors romance or passion, I do have to go to my books or my shows. When my husband walked out of my world, every dream was haunted by him. I fought going to sleep because he would meet me there in my dreams and I would wake up sadder and more distraught than I had been before because they were so very real. I was experiencing 4-5 migraines per week. My neurologist was trying his best to get me to rest and I told him that I had no desire to ever sleep again. "To sleep, perchance to dream". It reminded me of that old MASH episode where everyone chose to grab another cup of coffee so they wouldn't have to dream their dreams.
Then, I discovered Korean dramas. I've always loved Asian men. My college roommate can tell you that I used to rave to her about how they were the most beautiful men in the world. In fact, the first person who ever proposed to me was half Korean/half Japanese and I dated him during my college days. Why didn't I accept his proposal? Because he asked me to be his first wife. Yes, I took offense at that. I honestly don't know if he ever married. I can't find out any information about him but that wouldn't change anything anyway. Back to my story.
What happened when I discovered Asian dramas? I stopped dreaming about my husband. I transported to another world. The music didn't remind me of him. The language didn't either. It awakened in me a desire to learn again. A desire to learn a new language, find out about another culture, a desire to try new foods, and to pass that knowledge on to my grandchildren (who share that heritage). The nightmares stopped. The migraines stopped. I could sleep through the night while listening to "K-Pop". I still can't listen to the old songs - they make me cry. Maybe someday I will be able to do that again. For now, this is my way to mend. It's the only way that I can cope. Turn towards my faith and fill my world with new knowledge. Look towards the future and fill my dreams with stories that I don't link with my husband at all. I think of him as being a "prodigal" husband.
Do I ever expect him to return "home" again? Not to me. But I hope he doesn't continue to turn his back on Christ. I pray for that. However, every time I see posts on face book regarding the wonderful husbands, the celebration of anniversaries, etc., I get extremely cynical and sad. That was me. I was perfectly happy and I thought that I would be married forever to the man of my dreams. Now, I'm replacing him with these gorgeous men and their adventures.
Thank you God for helping me out. I'm climbing out of my depression and getting better every day. So, if you happen to see a post on my facebook regarding a K-Pop song, or photos of my favorite actors or singers, it's just me, fighting back. I've had a rough day and I'm putting some joy back into my life because I can't plaster photos of my grandbabies all over facebook. Kamsahamnida.
Friday, September 26, 2014
The Cruelest Blow
So, my husband has applied for a marriage license. It doesn't matter when he actually makes use of it. The fact is - he is in a relationship - just not with me.
The cruelest blow is that for the rest of my life I cannot be in a relationship with another man. Why? Because I will still be married. It doesn't matter that the Church says it - it matters that I also believe it. Deep down in my very being, to the depths of my soul - "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder". I underlined that passage when I was a child and my father left my mother. I felt then that a great sin was being committed and I was raised Presbyterian, not Catholic.
People seem to forget that I am a very "touchy, feely" kind-of person. I like romance and I like physical touch. My husband used to be very attentive in those areas - that's one reason I fell in love with him to begin with and I thought we were happy for so many years. He even said that he was happy for the first 27 years of our marriage while I thought it was more like 30....
Now, he has taken everything away. Not only do I have to grieve over the "death" of our marriage but I have to grieve over the fact that I will never have another relationship again. In essence, I have been celibate now for several years and that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. It was different when I was a young girl and I was looking towards the future and waiting for a husband - now, I just feel tossed aside. I was always more passionate than he was - yet,.....
Okay, God, I guess you really are trying to turn me into a saint here. St. Helena and Our Holy Mother Mary have become my role models. Pray for me.
The cruelest blow is that for the rest of my life I cannot be in a relationship with another man. Why? Because I will still be married. It doesn't matter that the Church says it - it matters that I also believe it. Deep down in my very being, to the depths of my soul - "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder". I underlined that passage when I was a child and my father left my mother. I felt then that a great sin was being committed and I was raised Presbyterian, not Catholic.
People seem to forget that I am a very "touchy, feely" kind-of person. I like romance and I like physical touch. My husband used to be very attentive in those areas - that's one reason I fell in love with him to begin with and I thought we were happy for so many years. He even said that he was happy for the first 27 years of our marriage while I thought it was more like 30....
Now, he has taken everything away. Not only do I have to grieve over the "death" of our marriage but I have to grieve over the fact that I will never have another relationship again. In essence, I have been celibate now for several years and that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. It was different when I was a young girl and I was looking towards the future and waiting for a husband - now, I just feel tossed aside. I was always more passionate than he was - yet,.....
Okay, God, I guess you really are trying to turn me into a saint here. St. Helena and Our Holy Mother Mary have become my role models. Pray for me.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
I have....Goals!
Wow! Life is finally getting back on track. I have been in the dark valley for so long that it is nice to be coming back out into the sunlight! It feels as though I have a future to look forward to and plans to make.
Things I accomplished today:
I had an incredible Math class with my online students. They are so eager to learn and happy when they understand - and thankful! They think that I am the "best" math teacher ever! And, it isn't just with that one class - I have seven more classes that I am just as thankful to be teaching. I didn't think that I ever wanted to teach again after that last year in school when I was so bullied by the administration and was suffering through so much stress both personally and professionally that I had to take a medical leave of absence. Now, I am re-discovering the joy that I always had in working with "my" students.
Three wonderful friends, who are as dear to me as my own family, came over and helped me take care of things in the house, yard, garage, and driveway so that I could start preparing, once again, to get this house on the market. It was halted due to the garage fire and SO many things had to be stored back in the house and on the back porch! Now, it is manageable once again and I can look forward to getting this house signed with the realtor by this weekend.
At the end of last week, I was able to return to designing and making rosaries. I completed one in time to send it to an event for my daughter. She texted me this evening to let me know a description of the person who had "won" my rosary. My hands no longer hurt to the point of being unable to work on this craft. Wonderful news!
I think that I have found my house and my neighborhood in the community that I want to move to after I sell this house. My big brother is going to check them out for me. It is great to be able to visualize myself in a new place!
In addition, I have been able to return to my old familiar schedule at Mass - even attending adult education! My church family is rallying around me - supporting me, letting me know that they missed me, and even "protecting" me.
This summer, with my husband bringing his overseas girlfriend to town, was an extremely hurtful time for me which God filled with family times for me. He also reminded me that I can do this - I can live without a man in my life because I have all the love that I need through Him and with my children and grandchildren - and the rest of my family and friends.
He even sent, for a short while, a male friend to tell me that I was beautiful. But, sadly, I can no longer even look upon my husband. He doesn't make me fall apart anymore but he killed something deep inside and I cannot bear to be around him. I guess that is part of God's plan in preparing me to move out of my home. I no longer want to be here. Period. Time to move on. Jack, Honey, and I are ready to go.
I have my job to do, trips to plan, children and grandchildren to enjoy, and languages to learn! Life is definitely not over - I am starting anew.
Things I accomplished today:
I had an incredible Math class with my online students. They are so eager to learn and happy when they understand - and thankful! They think that I am the "best" math teacher ever! And, it isn't just with that one class - I have seven more classes that I am just as thankful to be teaching. I didn't think that I ever wanted to teach again after that last year in school when I was so bullied by the administration and was suffering through so much stress both personally and professionally that I had to take a medical leave of absence. Now, I am re-discovering the joy that I always had in working with "my" students.
Three wonderful friends, who are as dear to me as my own family, came over and helped me take care of things in the house, yard, garage, and driveway so that I could start preparing, once again, to get this house on the market. It was halted due to the garage fire and SO many things had to be stored back in the house and on the back porch! Now, it is manageable once again and I can look forward to getting this house signed with the realtor by this weekend.
At the end of last week, I was able to return to designing and making rosaries. I completed one in time to send it to an event for my daughter. She texted me this evening to let me know a description of the person who had "won" my rosary. My hands no longer hurt to the point of being unable to work on this craft. Wonderful news!
I think that I have found my house and my neighborhood in the community that I want to move to after I sell this house. My big brother is going to check them out for me. It is great to be able to visualize myself in a new place!
In addition, I have been able to return to my old familiar schedule at Mass - even attending adult education! My church family is rallying around me - supporting me, letting me know that they missed me, and even "protecting" me.
This summer, with my husband bringing his overseas girlfriend to town, was an extremely hurtful time for me which God filled with family times for me. He also reminded me that I can do this - I can live without a man in my life because I have all the love that I need through Him and with my children and grandchildren - and the rest of my family and friends.
He even sent, for a short while, a male friend to tell me that I was beautiful. But, sadly, I can no longer even look upon my husband. He doesn't make me fall apart anymore but he killed something deep inside and I cannot bear to be around him. I guess that is part of God's plan in preparing me to move out of my home. I no longer want to be here. Period. Time to move on. Jack, Honey, and I are ready to go.
I have my job to do, trips to plan, children and grandchildren to enjoy, and languages to learn! Life is definitely not over - I am starting anew.
Friday, August 29, 2014
Kid Lessons - Pay Attention to the Details
Pay Attention to the Details
This is more of a learning lesson for me as a mom. When you have three children, whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, your time is no longer your own. It is devoted to making sure that your household runs smoothly, that your husband has what he needs to do his job properly, that your children have what they need to either go to school or be at home with you, and you put yourself last. You don't really think about that - that's fodder for an entirely different blog post - but you also forget to slow down and pay attention to the little details regarding each child.
Everyone jokes about how the middle child is over-looked. Honestly, you try not to do it. It could be for so many different reasons. There was a period in life (very early on) when she was my "difficult" child. You know that joke that every midwestern state has about the weather forecast? Wait fifteen minutes and it will change? Well, your children are like that. You never know which one - on any given day - is going to be the easiest one to get along with or the most difficult to handle. Wait fifteen minutes - it will change. Breathe.
Eventually, my middle daughter settled into the role of peacemaker between her two sisters. The oldest had a very strong individualistic presence - easily settling into that role of firstborn - and her father and I always said that it would take a unique personality to hold her own following her. Fortunately, her sister has held her own just fine. And the youngest - well, I think of that old dinosaur show where the baby dinosaur says, "I'm the baby - gotta love me!". She is truly unique and precious in her own way but she has a double-wide stubborn streak (got that one from both parents!). So, yes, the middle child who happens to be a peacemaker can be overlooked.
So much so that you don't start putting two plus two together properly. We were living in a small-town in Illinois, twenty minutes from the Wisconsin border, in an absolutely "dream" neighborhood. All the kids played in each other's yards and the moms and dads watched out for each other's children.
One night, we had a telescope out and were star-gazing. I don't remember what their Daddy was trying to show the girls but I do remember that no matter what we pointed out, my middle just couldn't see it. We thought she wasn't looking hard enough. Exasperated, we gave up on trying to point things out to her in the night sky.
Again, on a trip back from the closest large city, we passed field after field of cows. Suddenly, the oldest pointed out deer on the side of the road! (Being midwesterners, we had already experienced what deer by the side of the road can really mean so I wasn't thrilled, but the girls were). However, again, our middle child was left asking where? By then, she had missed seeing the deer. She was upset and she was met with comments like you just have to pay more attention.
I know, you as a reader are already yelling at me, asking me about the obvious. Well, it wasn't obvious. She was having no problems in school. Nothing that stood out when we watched things at home. However, one day, we were traveling that stretch from the city again. The girls were playing a game and naming things that they saw. Their daddy was driving so I had the luxury of being able to play along. Suddenly it clicked. My sweet middle child didn't SEE the brown jersey cow in one field nor the black angus cattle in another!
So I scheduled her for an eye exam. Yes, she needed glasses. Yes, she was near-sighted. Not a big deal. Oh my! It was a big deal! The day we came home with her wearing her new glasses, she went out to play in the backyard, looked up at the tree and exclaimed with delight! She, in her entire life, had never seen the detail of individual leaves up in a tree! She had only seen it as a "whole" that dropped individual bits. Wow, that day, we went for a walk - looking at the world with her "new" eyes. (Yes, I also cried later that I had deprived her of that beauty for so long). I will never forget how she "saw" that tree for the very first time, after living there for months, and through several seasons. It taught me to step back, look at my daughters more closely, and to show them the "details" in life. Be observant. You might miss something REALLY important or REALLY beautiful, like being able to see not just the leaves in the tree, but the caterpillars that are crawling on those leaves.
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Kid Lessons 2
This is more of a learning lesson for me as a mom. When you have three children, whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, your time is no longer your own. It is devoted to making sure that your household runs smoothly, that your husband has what he needs to do his job properly, that your children have what they need to either go to school or be at home with you, and you put yourself last. You don't really think about that - that's fodder for an entirely different blog post - but you also forget to slow down and pay attention to the little details regarding each child.
Everyone jokes about how the middle child is over-looked. Honestly, you try not to do it. It could be for so many different reasons. There was a period in life (very early on) when she was my "difficult" child. You know that joke that every midwestern state has about the weather forecast? Wait fifteen minutes and it will change? Well, your children are like that. You never know which one - on any given day - is going to be the easiest one to get along with or the most difficult to handle. Wait fifteen minutes - it will change. Breathe.
Eventually, my middle daughter settled into the role of peacemaker between her two sisters. The oldest had a very strong individualistic presence - easily settling into that role of firstborn - and her father and I always said that it would take a unique personality to hold her own following her. Fortunately, her sister has held her own just fine. And the youngest - well, I think of that old dinosaur show where the baby dinosaur says, "I'm the baby - gotta love me!". She is truly unique and precious in her own way but she has a double-wide stubborn streak (got that one from both parents!). So, yes, the middle child who happens to be a peacemaker can be overlooked.
So much so that you don't start putting two plus two together properly. We were living in a small-town in Illinois, twenty minutes from the Wisconsin border, in an absolutely "dream" neighborhood. All the kids played in each other's yards and the moms and dads watched out for each other's children.
One night, we had a telescope out and were star-gazing. I don't remember what their Daddy was trying to show the girls but I do remember that no matter what we pointed out, my middle just couldn't see it. We thought she wasn't looking hard enough. Exasperated, we gave up on trying to point things out to her in the night sky.
Again, on a trip back from the closest large city, we passed field after field of cows. Suddenly, the oldest pointed out deer on the side of the road! (Being midwesterners, we had already experienced what deer by the side of the road can really mean so I wasn't thrilled, but the girls were). However, again, our middle child was left asking where? By then, she had missed seeing the deer. She was upset and she was met with comments like you just have to pay more attention.
I know, you as a reader are already yelling at me, asking me about the obvious. Well, it wasn't obvious. She was having no problems in school. Nothing that stood out when we watched things at home. However, one day, we were traveling that stretch from the city again. The girls were playing a game and naming things that they saw. Their daddy was driving so I had the luxury of being able to play along. Suddenly it clicked. My sweet middle child didn't SEE the brown jersey cow in one field nor the black angus cattle in another!
So I scheduled her for an eye exam. Yes, she needed glasses. Yes, she was near-sighted. Not a big deal. Oh my! It was a big deal! The day we came home with her wearing her new glasses, she went out to play in the backyard, looked up at the tree and exclaimed with delight! She, in her entire life, had never seen the detail of individual leaves up in a tree! She had only seen it as a "whole" that dropped individual bits. Wow, that day, we went for a walk - looking at the world with her "new" eyes. (Yes, I also cried later that I had deprived her of that beauty for so long). I will never forget how she "saw" that tree for the very first time, after living there for months, and through several seasons. It taught me to step back, look at my daughters more closely, and to show them the "details" in life. Be observant. You might miss something REALLY important or REALLY beautiful, like being able to see not just the leaves in the tree, but the caterpillars that are crawling on those leaves.
Kid Lessons 2
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