My heart hurts....

I'll admit it. I am having a really, really tough weekend.

He came over today to take care of some things here at the house. He was over here yesterday, too. Both times I had seemingly very comfortable conversations. Afterwards, the tears don't stop. Not like when you are uncontrollably sobbing - but more like your eyes just can't stop "leaking".

It certainly doesn't help that today is grey and overcast (I am very affected by weather - can handle things much better when the sun shines brightly). I need to get everything fixed here at the house - and put it back into "spotless" mode. This house needs to sell soon - this state really isn't big enough for the two of us anymore.

I also need to get EVERYTHING completed for my applications to jobs in another state. I will move first if I get a job elsewhere - and leave the house behind for the moment.

As I said, my heart hurts....memories are strong as I clean out, throw away, re-decorate. In the meantime, I will put on a brave face, smile, and act like nothing is going on.... I will focus on images like this of Jonghyun's smile (which even makes me smile through my tears as it is one that "brightens up the world").

Always and Forever....

Beyond the Ides of March....

Spring is supposedly here. We've had two nice days of warm weather and the forecast is for freezing temps by morning.

Depression comes and goes. I no longer have all the meds in my system that my doctors had prescribed so I'm coping through prayer, music, and K-dramas. Yep, they all help.

However, going to church is becoming more and more difficult in this community. I feel as though I've lost not only my home - but my place in my faith community. I am "just" a visitor - no longer connected to anything within the parish. And, if I make a mistake, like I did today and end up at Mass with him - then I find that the pain is too much. I had to leave my seat as soon as I sat down this morning - not realizing that he was there (for that Mass has been safe for the past few Sundays) - but then I looked up and saw him. I immediately couldn't breathe and got up - fighting to stay inside the church and not walk out - I ended up sitting in the very back, with my view blocked. It doesn't help that he sings when he is there because I can't block that out. I pulled out my rosary and immediately started praying for my Holy Mother's help.

It didn't stop the tears - but it did give me some strength. Strength to remain and to focus on Jesus.

Will I always be this weak? Will I continue to cry whenever I see him or hear him? Will the migraines continue to hit - out of the blue?

Spring is supposed to be about new beginnings - when will I feel as though I've truly stepped into spring?

Severely

Okay, so this is the saddest music video ever, beautifully sung and acted by Lee Hong Ki (my bias in FT Island).  Truly, watch it and weep.

This morning, the alarm didn't awaken me. My dreams did. (Or nightmares). I was sobbing in my dream - brokenhearted for my child (who was a little one) - she had just been emotionally hurt and I had my arms around her, I remember fussing at him because he had caused the hurt,  and there he was - putting his arms around me to comfort me. And the thought went through my head, "what are you doing? you haven't cared about me for so long?" - and I woke up.

And the snow is still coming down - and I must really be experiencing some Lenten sorrows. The depression is deep and the snow makes it worse.

It's been a rough week - no, month - really. Jinjja.

"WE MADE IT THROUGH FEBRUARY!!!! I thought we wouldn't. Seriously."

That's the status on one of my dear friend's facebook walls today. It feels ominous. However, after yesterday, I feel as though the worst has already hit and she's right, we're going to make it out of this month. 

This has been a month of copious amounts of snow. All across the mid-section of the country up through the northeast. Kentucky is still frozen under and Boston has SO much of the white stuff that they've been trucking it out. seriously. Jinjja. One of the funniest reactions was this: 
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/national-international/Harlan-Kentucky-Warrant-Frozen-Elsa-292729731.html?_osource=SocialFlowFB_DCBrand

But it has been no joke!

Then, yesterday, I wasn't feeling well so I stayed in bed most of the morning - only to arise to this news:

 
I don't know how to express to you how deeply this affects me. I've been crying off and on since I heard the news. It's like losing Elvis, Yul Brynner, Davy Jones....I wanted to grow up and marry Spock and I even considered attending Antioch College just so that I could tread the same pathways as Leonard Nimoy (but that campus was within my "day's drive" radius and I ended up ruling it out). Truly, my husband was tall, dark, handsome and logical - qualities that I so admired in the character of Spock. I feel almost as though my "first love" has passed away.

It was already a rough week - returning home after spending about 10 days with my grandbabies - missing them SO much! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have my babies around me but their precious Little Women and Little Men are something else.

Oh, on top of that, I lost my job. Nothing like feeling like a failure once again.

Really, I "suck" at life. I can't seem to do anything well. Seriously, I'm divorced (which I never, ever, ever wanted to be) with no hopes of ever having a man in my life again - unless my husband comes to his senses and returns home. (And why should he? He's probably happy now without me). (One of my priest friends has felt all along that he's possessed and that I just need to keep the faith and keep praying and stay strong - that's SO hard!). My house isn't going to sell for awhile because I can't afford to paint the outside and that's where all my money is tied up.  (Yes, I'm continuing to do things inside - but I'm limited by my strength and my funds). And, I'm not brilliant - I'm just a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. I'm a mediocre teacher - obviously, otherwise I'd be in high demand. I start projects all the time and never get them finished. I've always been the person who throws the party that no one shows up at. That's me. I've always thought I had great friends - but no one has ever missed me "really" when I've moved away. Ever. I'm THAT non-descript person - the one who returns for class reunions and people don't remember who you are or "were".

There is not one single person who wants to talk to me every single day except for my mother. How sad is that? I used to have friends that were inseparable. What happened?

Musings

I don't get much time to speak with my "sons". But when I do, I feel so incredibly blessed that my daughters found such wonderful young men to spend their lives with and to bring "home". Truly, I love them as much as if they were my own - of course, you already knew that I had that kind of heart. But these young men are THAT special - loving my daughters, protecting them, and being the kind, compassionate men that they are. I watch them as they attend to my girls - and to their babies - and my heart just swells with joy (and love).

They may not always understand me - but they listen to me. And I love the conversations that we do have time to have. I like hearing about their work - their interests - and their dreams. One recent comment stuck with me - because it brought back echoes from my past : "I wish the world thought it was cool to be Korean". Wow! That one caught me off guard. I thought that "the world" had come a long, long way from my college days. I thought it was "cool" back then. In the 70s,  I dated a young man who was half Korean/half Japanese who told me that he had been "stoned" every day after school in Japan because he was "half Korean". The Asian world (China and Japan) looked down upon the Koreans and he couldn't "hide" it because his name was Korean. He came to study in America to escape that kind of prejudice.

Honestly, I've always thought that Asian men are the most beautiful men in the world. Examples from my childhood? Yul Brynner (yes, I'd call Mongolian Asian!), Bruce Lee, James Shigeta, George Takei, Keye Luke, Philip Ahn....(Won Young Cho, Byung Sun Kim, Denny Minami, John Kuo, Moses Lee - oh, yes, you don't know them! My, they were so gorgeous! And, my roommate and best friend heard an awful lot about that - especially since I went out with a couple of them).  But, take a look now - Asian men have become even more beautiful! So, why isn't it considered "cool" to be Korean? I've been pondering this. For days.

Korea = Samsung. Hyundai. LG Chem. Kia Motors. POSCO (4th largest steelmaker in the world - backed by Warren Buffet!). K-Pop (yes, this is becoming HUGE! Nickelodeon is going to be producing a show about a K-pop group backed by Nick Cannon) and K-dramas (my "bias" is showing - pun intended - better than American TV because it still concedes to morality and leaves a lot to the imagination). Korean Baseball. Soccer. Golf. Taekwondo. Who hasn't cheered for some of the Koreans in the Olympics???? Rankings of Math/Science students in the world? Korea is usually up there in the top 5! Really? Not cool to be Korean???

But, I did see something disturbing at my niece's wedding at West Point - my son-in-law got profiled. That long line of cars going through to the wedding - his is the one pulled over. Big Bro is the retired policeman so he had to show that he wasn't packing - but that was expected - my son-in-law being requested to pull over wasn't. He handled it so well. His Uncle Rick was very proud of him (as was I). However, is that what he feels on a daily basis? That's one of the many things that I've been pondering. If so, then that makes me very sad. Because he should be so VERY proud of his heritage. It's awesome, you know. Just like with any of the rest of us. We should all be able to look at our roots and be loud and proud. He's a totally American kid - raised in the Buckeye state - half Korean/half Chinese by heritage. What a rich heritage to pass on to their babies in addition to our side of the family! What a great melting pot America is - and should be! (My other set of grandbabies are part Chilean! :) )

However, I think Korean is SO cool that I am learning the language. Immersing myself in the music and the K-dramas. Reading the stories and studying the history. (Just like when I studied Russian in college). Someday, I hope that I can be fluent enough to become a translator and I really do want to go to Korea with his mom when she retires - and take our shared kids and grandbabies and enjoy her country!

I'm not the only one who thinks K-pop is awesome - check out Uzbekistani figure skater, Misha Ge:

And this is one of my favorite singers, Rain (Jung Ji Hoon), in an American film, Ninja Assassin:

Rain singing:

And, I'm going to leave you with a photo gallery of some of my favorite idols/stars:

Wait for me!   Hyun Bin

Song Seung Heon

Kim Soo Hyun

Lee Min Ho

Ji Chang Wook and Park Min Young from Healer

Lee Min Ho

Taecyeon 

Lee Joon

Lee Min Ho

No Min Woo

Ji Chang Wook

So Ji Sub

Kim Jae Joong

Kim Jae Joong

Jung Yong Hwa

Hyun Bin

Kim Jae Joong

Kim Jae Joong

Lee Sang Yoon

Lee Joon Gi 

JYJ - Junsu, Jaejoong, Yoochun

Lee Jong Suk

Park Hae Jin and Lee Jong Suk

Park Hae Jin

Infinite

Jung Yong Hwa 

Rain - Jung Ji Hoon

L from Infinite

Nichkhun, Taecyeon, Chansung from 2PM

Choi Jin Hyuk

Song Seung Heon

Hong Jong Hyun

Park Shi Hoo

SHINee 

CNBLUE - YongHwa, Jungshin, Jonghyun, Minhyuk

Super Junior

You see, this just adds more proof in my mind as to how "cool" and how gorgeous Koreans are.  Totally "daebak"!

Spending a week with my "Little Man"

First off, I must give kudos to both of my married daughters for providing me with plenty of opportunities to see their family routines in action. Why is that so important? For times like this - and at Christmas (when Little Man #2 was born) - when I am called in to assist with "Grammie" duties.

It is my joy and my pleasure to be able to spend this week with my first Little Man while his mommy and daddy are attending a destination wedding in a much warmer climate. Fortunately, we happen to be close to Uncle A and Aunt C and my other "littles" - allowing us to have some good "cousin" time and enjoying the wonderful influence that his Godparents have upon his life. (Yep, Uncle A and Aunt C have that uncanny knack of being able to convince him to do things that usually are met with that toddler "No!").

What am I learning about my Little Man this week? Well, let's just say that Mommy and Daddy were awfully wise to gift him with three things before they left: a soft baby doll, a toy laptop, and a "toy" broom and dustpan set. "Baby" has supplanted "Monkey" as the go-to toy for all things needing comforting. Baby does everything with Little Man - sleeps with him, gets dragged around by him, waits for him on the rocking horse as he eats breakfast, lunch, and dinner - however, when Little Man decides that he wants to clean the kitchen floor with his broom, then Grammie must watch over Baby. If Little Man is upset about anything, then Baby is called upon and is lavished with hugs.

The laptop is adorable. Grammie teaches online classes - and Little Man sits at his play table and works on his little laptop. It is too precious for words! When his cousins were over, it was the coveted toy that everyone wanted time with and we really had to work hard on "sharing". And, the broom set. Well, that kitchen floor has got to be one of the cleanest ones around because it gets swept about 20 times per day!

Little Man knows where the picture books are that have photos of Mommy and Daddy - he will go get those off of the shelf when he needs to feel close to them. We have added saying "Good night" to their photos in the living room to the nightly bedtime routine. He points out "Mama" and "Da-da" and waves to them. We include them in our prayers and I remind him that they will be home in a few days but that Grammie will be here for him in the meantime.

He is definitely a self-sufficient little do-er. He welcomes play-time, dance-time, and reading time with me but he does just fine on his own. He carries on all kinds of conversations - engaged in imaginative play - babbling in his little toddler-speak. Toys may get dragged out - and spread all over - but they are just as easily put back away. He has no problems about helping clean up.

Typically, he saves story time for just before nap-time and bedtime but, every now and then, he'll pull out a book and just want some cuddle time. And, when we both need just a little break - Blue's Clues! Honestly, I could rave about my Little Man for pages. The only difficulty that I truly have is figuring out what he will actually eat at lunch and dinner. (He's pretty consistent about breakfast!).  I guess that could be the subject of an entire post.

Anyway, thanks to my daughters and their beautiful families, this Grammie certainly feels much love and happiness and truly blessed!

I need a husband

Oh Lord...I will never make it to sainthood. I just spent at least 45 minutes changing two light bulbs outdoors and cursing my paresthesia in the process.

I am now resting in my chair with a cup of coffee to warm myself and enduring the pain as the feeling returns to both my feet and my fingers. Ow, ow, ow! He should have left me twenty years ago when I was young enough to do all these things by myself and not have it hurt! Or at least have left me in a neighborhood where I had all those neighbors who would gladly have come in and changed the filters in the sinks (something I have yet to do) and who would have helped me climb up to clean out my gutters. (Greenwood and Freeport, I miss you!).

I can't even start my own mower anymore because I lack the strength to pull the cord hard enough. I am unable to hire people to do these things for me. These are simple little tasks that would take a "normal" person 5 - 10 minutes to accomplish. For me, it can be a lesson in endurance, ending up with a failure for the day. Some days I have more strength than others - this type of arthritis is hereditary - it doesn't hurt that much, it just happens to be more frustrating in that I have no grip strength - hence I can't get those darn little screens off my faucets when they clog up. Or scrub these plastic tubs as clean as I would like.

It is frustrating to have the "know-how" but not the physical capability. I've been left with little tasks here and there - closet doors off of hinges - because the bottom was going to be shaved so it would open and close more smoothly across the carpeting. (The door is so heavy that it took the two of us to take it off of the hinges in the first place.) Or, replace the door to the outside up in my daughter's room. Honestly, I begged for that to be replaced for years and it really needs it. I've taped up the seams as best I can for the moment. Oh, yes, I still have to replace the wallboard where the new sink was put in before I paint that room....The "honey-do" list that is totally mine.

One smart thing I did: purchase that ladder to reach the 10 foot ceilings! However, I didn't do it until after I injured my rotator cuff trying to change the light bulb in the laundry room with just a stepladder. (It's no fun being short).

I just discovered a portrait that the girls and I had taken one year for Father's Day this afternoon - tucked in behind one of the desks in the study. I pulled it out and dusted it off. How appropriate - the girls and me.

I know - get used to it. This is the way it's going to be. Oh Lord - just give me the strength. I would like to use that bathroom sink again.

My Heart has many rooms

I don't have much. Truly: no money, a car that is getting a bit scary (that's another story), waiting to hear about food assistance and healthcare, no family close by, but I have a house. That's an awful lot in today's world.

I can be grateful every day that I'm not sleeping on the streets. That I actually have a choice to sleep in a recliner, on the couch, or in one of five beds that are set up. Seriously, that's comforting. And, that's pretty darn "rich" in a lot of people's books.

Once upon a time, this house was full. During 33 years of marriage, we extended the offer many times to various family members to come live with us if needed. One brother did that for awhile during a job transfer. For various reasons, the offers were turned down and sometimes, the siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. didn't even know that the offers had been made and decisions regarding their futures weren't even discussed with them. That's okay - it's all water under the bridge. We even took in someone else's child for awhile. He's gone now.

That's the way we Holmstroms roll. My mother-in-law was like that, too. And, I'm sure that if you go back and check out family stories on either side of the family tree, you would find out that's just what families do - or did.

So, what am I getting at? Once again, the offer is out there. This time it's a bit different because I'm not related to the family but she's my sister in Christ. I've been praying for her for a very long time (or so it seems). Will she come? Bringing her family with her? I don't know the answer to that - it's all in God's hands.

What's important to me - and to her - is that she knows that if things get truly, truly desperate - she's not going to be sleeping on the streets with her family. She can pack up her car - and come. I have the beds - I have the house - I have the rooms. Someone once gave me hope and love when I was truly desperate - that's why I am still here. Just extending the hand of love.

An "Inconvenient" Truth

So, I had dinner and "family" time with my best friend this week. Just normal relaxed, down home, week-night comfort food and surrounded by the kids doing homework. After the grandkids went home with their mom, we settled in front of the TV to just talk.

If you don't know this by now about me, then I will tell you that I am incurable romantic. My children tease me because I have probably watched "The Prince and Me" more than anyone else on this planet. Yep, that's how much I love that story - and besides Luke Mably and Julia Stiles are absolutely adorable in it!

Why is that so important to know? Well, the conversation of course turned to how Christmas in Cambridge went - with all of my children and grandchildren and the presence of my husband. I fared quite well, thank you. In fact, my daughter even gifted us with a Christmas baby!

Now you see, there was a moment in time when my husband had a choice to make, either marry the girl and try to keep her in the States or spend Christmas with his daughters. I don't discuss that much because, in the eyes of the Church and in my heart, we are still married. However, he chose to let the girl go and come on to Cambridge. I really didn't think much of it at the time because I figured he has applied for that marriage license so he is going to use it at some point.

My best friend has a different take on the matter. She thinks he doesn't love that girl at all and is just in it for the sex and the flattery. Of course, what she didn't realize is that her words gave me hope. (I know, I just heard quite a few screams of STOP!)

I can't help it, that made my heart flutter. (And my best friend would seriously disown me if I said anything like that to her) But this image from Christmas

still makes me cry. That's grandson #2 - grandbaby #4 <3

I'm serious. Once this house sells, and I move away, I don't want my daughters to tell him where I am. But I can't tell them why - not really. Because deep down, I want him to come looking for me. If he knows where I am, then he won't. It's as simple as that. ( If he does marry her, then I don't want her knowing where I am - that's a whole "safe place" issue). If you don't know much about PTSD, then you won't understand the "safe place" - but, trust me, this house no longer qualifies as such.

Now, back to my sanity. I know, you already think that I've lost it. I'm really working hard on learning the Korean. I'm moving to an area where I could actually do some translating - something I wanted to do with my Russian decades ago. Maybe I'll realize one of those old dreams, just in a different form.