Just rambling and ranting....

So, I'm not very happy with the Supreme Court and their recent decisions. Grateful there were some eloquent dissenting opinions. What can I say? Our government has now reduced "marriage" by definition to "just" mean a civil union. How to distinguish? Refer to it as Holy Matrimony when conducted in the Church. And, I'm not going to argue it with anyone - I have very strong visceral reactions and know that I feel deeply that even though I have a civil divorce, I am still married - because the Church says so. Not looking for a debate - just stating facts. (You're not going to see me do anything contrary to my wedding vows anytime soon. )

However, you are going to see me move far, far away. My husband has brought "her" back from overseas - bought a house - and I just can't deal with it. Since I can't go home to Tara, I will just send myself elsewhere. I'm fighting back the only way that I know how as to not "drown" in my depression, PTSD, and panic/anxiety attacks. Adoration and praying the rosary definitely helps but I need a "new adventure" to keep me sane. Good days/bad days - but I'm having more good days at this time. Summertime/sunshine definitely helps -  I like warmth and bright, happy days. (Time to go South).

Music. Music has always spoken to me. Give me Air1 or K-pop - both are healing and soothing to my soul. Had a friend call me a "Seoul woman" the other day - cute play on words. Eventually, I will get there - of course, I'm planning on Ireland first with my girls. Have some shrines that I truly want to visit....then later I'll go see the "idols" (haha!).

Finally told my mother to back off on trying to get me a job at an Episcopal school. I told her that the only religious schools that I could work at would be Catholic. We differ too much theologically these days. Wouldn't be comfortable there. Would rather be in a secular public school.

On a "high" note, the last couple of nights I dreamt in Korean. Realized the other day that I'm beginning to understand the words to the songs that I've been listening to every day. Should be able to progress more rapidly now.

My latest "favorite" song that 2PM just released: My House (by Jun.K)

Coffee (and oxygen?)

Friday morning, up early (went to bed early) and I wake up because I am desperately searching for coffee and oxygen (?) in my dream. My dreams are usually pretty vivid - one reason I guess that they can easily turn into nightmares - and I usually remember them quite well.

Focus on this one: preparations for a "family" vacation. Unknown destination - don't know what to pack. Arrival: suddenly in a boat being towed and at a lakeside campsite. Who am I with? Him. And the kids. (Kids? In real life they are all grown up - in my dream they are young (not little) but young - and all three are there). They are going to charge us more for our stay if we go swimming - I respond that this isn't a "swimming" vacation. He speaks up and says - I brought my swimsuit - I'm going swimming. There is another couple/family with us (I'm not sure who they are).  I remember asking why he didn't share that information - feeling shocked and betrayed.

Next thing I know - I'm walking along a path - searching for both coffee and oxygen. With scary blue birds (large yellow bills) up in the trees. Wake up. Guess I couldn't breathe very well last night.

Now, coffee in hand, calming down. Planning my day.

Is this all because he has been here, off and on, this week - repairing the stairs? Or because our 34th Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow? Or because I am working in this house - and finding things that remind me?

Doesn't matter. Making a hair appointment, going to the bank, heading towards adoration (but not till VBS has ended). Survival - cranking up my music. Sipping my coffee. Breathe.


My favorite group (JYJ) singing a song for their fans: "The boy's letter". Recommended by JaeJoong when fans are feeling depressed:

Five in five

I've been celebrating the joys of being a Grammie lately. The newest addition made his arrival in early June - and, of course, he's adorable.

All of my "Little Women" and "Little Men" are precious. As I get older, Louisa May Alcott's books speak even more to me than they did when I was a child. I always wanted a dozen children (really, truly!). I had lists of names (and their meanings) ever since my baby brother was first born. I knew that my husband would never go for that many - so we compromised with three (although I was pushing for five!).

Now, my daughters are joyfully becoming wonderful young mothers - and their husbands are incredibly attentive young fathers. I pray daily for their protection. Their blessings are increasing (and mine along with them). We now have five little women (2) and men (3) - within five years' time! Who knew that we would be celebrating like this five years ago?! The oldest and youngest (at the moment) share their birth month - making it five grandbabies within five years!

Another joy is the fact that they will soon be living less than five minutes apart from one another! Ah, to grow up with the extended family and love of aunts/uncles/cousins! And, in this instance, Godparents! Hopefully, in a few years, this circle will also extend to the youngest sister (she is still pursuing her studies and has yet to meet the "right" one, so to speak).

I love watching the interactions of them all. How they navigate their relationships - the usual bumping into one another and tears and hugs and laughter. At the end of the day, it is still hugs and kisses all around - and prayers for one another. I think that if my husband and I had included nightly family prayers then we would have cemented our relationship with one another and with God more fully. (Wishing I could go back in time!).

Thanking God - and drawing closer to our Mother Mary. Keeping the faith - and basking in the blessings of being a grandparent! Five in five - wow, what joys the future holds!

Second Installment - Homecoming

That's what it felt like - a "homecoming". I saw cousins and aunts and uncles that I haven't seen in years. I was welcomed - with open arms.

We celebrated Meem. And the pastor was wonderful about focusing on Meem's deep faith. He used her worn, marked-up Bible to illustrate much of his description of Meem and her life. He even said that if Meem's passing just drew one more person closer to the Lord and to Jesus that she would have been happy. True story.

My cousin even put his five-year sobriety chip in the casket with Meem. She was truly a matriarch - well-loved and well-respected.

As I was preparing to get back on the road, the words that I was able to hear: "She loved you and she always appreciated what you did for me." I didn't "need" to hear that - but it sure felt wonderful to have it said.

And, from one of my older cousins, "meet you on Facebook!" It was a time of hugs, kisses, and remembrances. I "needed" to go.

Cousins 

P.S. It rained the entire time. God was grieving with us.                                                                           

First Installment

My grandmother passed away two days ago. No one called.

I found out about it through Facebook - messaged my sister-in-law and cousin to find out. Only my sister-in-law responded.

I've been told not to stop by the house if I come. I'm going anyway.

Truly the red-headed stepchild - however, I think my big brother feels even worse. He told me that I take things too personally and get my feelings hurt - so I should be like him and not "give a shit". But I know that he does.

Anyway, I will be there at the visitation tomorrow. I will stay for the funeral. I will return home.

If no one talks to me, fine. I know that Meem will know that I was there.

Can't stop crying today...

Looking back and facing forward

Worked on the living room floor yesterday. He came over to get the lawn mower and finally remove his clothes from the closet. In the process, he mowed the backyard for me, fixed the DVD player (it may be dying), removed the set of drawers from the study with his keyboard cables, took his bowling ball, and measured the front rails to replace them. I thought that I was fine - for the first time, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. However, the nightmares came back last night.
I started making a rosary for a precious little girl who celebrates her First Communion today. I finished it early this morning. New beginnings! There is a big celebration today.
So, looking forward: big interview in SC at the end of this week (praying for a job in a new place), niece's college graduation, and heading to Boston at the end of the month to prepare for the arrival of my third grandson, fifth grandchild!
As for the house: finishing the living room floor, the fence is going back up, the front rails and steps will be replaced/repaired, and now I can paint that room! Also, one of my baby girls is moving in for just a few weeks- her family will join her when possible- so, I won't be alone.
I've started dancing again.

No Love

Jun. K of 2PM

Another song that speaks to me....

I am stifled...

My mother is here. Everything comes to a screeching halt. Seriously, she is fussing at me for having some items on the sideboard - she wants to put them "away" - and the guest room is strewn with her clutter (makes me cringe inside every time I see it!).

I cannot do projects while she is here. It is a constant - "well, can't you call someone else to come in and do that?" No, I can't. I don't have that kind of money. It's my project - I'll do it once you are gone!

Why can't I enjoy this visit? Why do I feel so "invaded"?? I truly don't know - unless it's the constant questions, "Where did you get that?" "I'm curious as to why you have that there?" "What is that on your calendar? What does it mean?" etc., etc., etc.  I won't go into every little detail - even picking up my mail and looking on the outside to see who it's from and then asking me who they are?

She wants me to go out and socialize (with whom?). And, of course, to get rid of my "Korean fantasy world". I haven't been able to dance once since she has been here. Yes, I listen to my music all the time - it helps me breathe.

Finally, the sun is shining and the weather is getting just a little warmer.  But I can't sand floors or paint while she is here. I even need to run the carpet cleaner but that's the room she spread all of her papers out on the table on ever since the first night here. Yes, that clutter bothers me in the dining room.

She wants me to totally clean off the sunporch but she also brought boxes and coolers full of food - put them out there and drew in the ants. Been fighting them now for a few days. What did she do to get rid of them? Poured water all over my floor!!!!!!!! I went out there and almost yelled at Jack - thought he had "gone" in the house. When I started mopping it up, then she insisted that she had cleaned it all up and that it was dry. Far from it! I asked her not to go pouring water on my floors - so I sprayed in there. She then moved all those things to the kitchen table - next thing you know - my kitchen is crawling with ants.

Like I said, I cannot "do" any of my projects while she is here. If I disappear for awhile in the house, then she starts screaming for me (and she can't hear my response) so she just screams louder. Again, how can I close myself off and attend to projects when I can't close myself off in the study to work?

I have been totally lectured on how I should be on supplements all week long - and can she start mailing me the things that she takes???

Yes, I am retreating into my "Korean fantasy world" - I can't cope. I am raging inside. The things that she wants to focus on for preparing my house for showings....I am SO stressed.

Why does my mother do this to me? If I hear one more time about how she needs to go pick up the sticks in my yard....And then what? That means I would have to load up my van and haul them all to the dump.  I personally don't want to deal with that at the moment. It creates more work for me. No, I can't pay someone to come pick it up and haul it away. (her current response to everything - can she pay someone to sand my floors, to paint the bathroom, to clean my house??).  NO! Just let me deal with it after you are gone....

Time to go prepare for class. Another one of my escapes.

I pray that I don't do this to my children. Truly.

Eyes, Nose, Lips

Tablo & Taeyang