I "need" my Grammie...

For the first time in my life, I feel as though I truly "need" my Grammie. There is absolutely no one around me who understands and feels what I am feeling.

Where are the Catholics who feel as though their marriages were sacramental? Absolutely everyone who is divorced and Catholic who I have spoken/communicated with seems to believe that an annulment and someone else is in their future. My mind is blown. My heart is hurting.

The only person that seems to come close to my way of thinking is my Grammie and she passed away about a dozen years ago now. We were never close. She scared me. However, we did have some rare moments that are fresh in my memory as though they were yesterday.

So, back in my senior year of Grinnell,  I asked my Grammie why she had never dated/re-married after Granddaddy had passed away. Her response was classic: "When you've already had the best, you don't look for anyone else". She was close to 60 when he died so suddenly. And she returned to a career in nursing.

Where is someone who believes truly in their vows? Where is someone who felt that they had a sacramental marriage? (Don't point out the ones who are still married).  My grandmother was a staunch Presbyterian but she believed so strongly in her vows that she always commemorated their wedding anniversary - even 40+ years after Granddaddy was gone. And she truly believed that he was waiting for her.

Why does no one else understand that I took vows that I cannot break? That I was already married to the love of my life? That I am not looking towards another man in my future - ever. Yes, I truly miss experiencing that love and companionship but a promise is a promise is a promise - and vows are so much stronger than that! They are made in accord with God himself. You aren't just breaking a promise to your spouse but to God as well! Does no one else get this? Why is everyone looking for a "loophole"????? Because it's easier???

Yes, I "fangirl" - that doesn't mean one bit that I am looking for anyone else. I've always had "stars" that I admired and followed - I just can't follow any of the "conventional" ones anymore because they all remind me of my husband - all the music, concerts, movies, shows that we shared. Doesn't anyone else get that all of those reminders hurt????  I am doing the absolute best that I can to look "forward". I don't fantasize about others - I never did - much to the distaste of my husband - for I never wanted to "role play" (I know, TMI but true story). Why? Because I had all that I needed with him. He made my nightmares go away - and he brought them back again.

One stupid piece of paper - and legal "decree" - doesn't break the vows and the bonds that are made before God. He is still my husband - whether or not he wants to believe it, act it, etc. And all that he does still hurts me tremendously. It cuts my soul like a knife every time I see him, talk to him, think of him. Breathe, just breathe. Concentrate. Learn something new. Act as if all is well. Pray, pray hard. Saint Helena, pray for me. Help me find a way to carry my cross - and do it well.

Storms

Today is the 35th anniversary of when I met my husband.

Thankfully, it is also the feast day of St. Benedict. So, I spent the last hour and a half of the day with Jesus (at the Adoration Chapel). I noticed it was beginning to sprinkle when I left the church parking lot - now it is a full-blown storm. This is another one of those times when I feel as though God is crying with me.

This is the time in my life where I need to think monastically. How can I live the Benedictine rule? Are my dreams and desires in alignment with God's will? Where do I go from here?

Good thing I napped earlier in the evening. Not sleeping anytime soon with all this thunder and lightning.

The second shoe - it dropped!

So I grew up with kind of a saying in my household: "waiting for the second shoe to drop". Apparently, my great-grandfather had a way of letting my mother know that her "company" was staying too late - he would be upstairs and drop a shoe....that was a warning and so my mother would hurry up to shoo off her company before the second shoe dropped (because that wasn't going to be good!). It had that meaning in our household, that even if something good had happened, there was that anticipation that the second shoe was going to drop (and it wasn't something you wanted to hear!).

Over the past several years, I have been "trained" to expect that "second shoe" whenever he is being extremely nice to me. It's a total set-up. I fall for it every time, even when I know it's coming, and then he drops the second shoe. Today, that second shoe dropped once again. I was fully anticipating it but it came with a curve ball. She has been "in country" since he bought the new house - living with him. Furthermore,  "she" is both people that I had accused her of being - having at least three different Facebook names when I first discovered all of "them". Of course, he denied it at the time and he was furious that I had offended her by sending her a message to leave my husband alone. He told me that she wasn't the same person. (Can't even express how much it hurt to have my husband defend his "honeys" from his wife of 30 years). I have someone now who can point to that picture (attached to that other name) and say "yes, she is definitely the one who was with him on Saturday night".

In addition, he took her to an event that I "almost" went to - it would have been devastating. God made sure that didn't happen by having my baby call me and speak to me for about two hours. I was seriously re-considering my earlier decision of not going out that night (since it was our 34th anniversary and I was having a tough time). So glad that I didn't go.

Breathe. Just breathe. And this is the song I'm hearing in my head:

Just rambling and ranting....

So, I'm not very happy with the Supreme Court and their recent decisions. Grateful there were some eloquent dissenting opinions. What can I say? Our government has now reduced "marriage" by definition to "just" mean a civil union. How to distinguish? Refer to it as Holy Matrimony when conducted in the Church. And, I'm not going to argue it with anyone - I have very strong visceral reactions and know that I feel deeply that even though I have a civil divorce, I am still married - because the Church says so. Not looking for a debate - just stating facts. (You're not going to see me do anything contrary to my wedding vows anytime soon. )

However, you are going to see me move far, far away. My husband has brought "her" back from overseas - bought a house - and I just can't deal with it. Since I can't go home to Tara, I will just send myself elsewhere. I'm fighting back the only way that I know how as to not "drown" in my depression, PTSD, and panic/anxiety attacks. Adoration and praying the rosary definitely helps but I need a "new adventure" to keep me sane. Good days/bad days - but I'm having more good days at this time. Summertime/sunshine definitely helps -  I like warmth and bright, happy days. (Time to go South).

Music. Music has always spoken to me. Give me Air1 or K-pop - both are healing and soothing to my soul. Had a friend call me a "Seoul woman" the other day - cute play on words. Eventually, I will get there - of course, I'm planning on Ireland first with my girls. Have some shrines that I truly want to visit....then later I'll go see the "idols" (haha!).

Finally told my mother to back off on trying to get me a job at an Episcopal school. I told her that the only religious schools that I could work at would be Catholic. We differ too much theologically these days. Wouldn't be comfortable there. Would rather be in a secular public school.

On a "high" note, the last couple of nights I dreamt in Korean. Realized the other day that I'm beginning to understand the words to the songs that I've been listening to every day. Should be able to progress more rapidly now.

My latest "favorite" song that 2PM just released: My House (by Jun.K)

Coffee (and oxygen?)

Friday morning, up early (went to bed early) and I wake up because I am desperately searching for coffee and oxygen (?) in my dream. My dreams are usually pretty vivid - one reason I guess that they can easily turn into nightmares - and I usually remember them quite well.

Focus on this one: preparations for a "family" vacation. Unknown destination - don't know what to pack. Arrival: suddenly in a boat being towed and at a lakeside campsite. Who am I with? Him. And the kids. (Kids? In real life they are all grown up - in my dream they are young (not little) but young - and all three are there). They are going to charge us more for our stay if we go swimming - I respond that this isn't a "swimming" vacation. He speaks up and says - I brought my swimsuit - I'm going swimming. There is another couple/family with us (I'm not sure who they are).  I remember asking why he didn't share that information - feeling shocked and betrayed.

Next thing I know - I'm walking along a path - searching for both coffee and oxygen. With scary blue birds (large yellow bills) up in the trees. Wake up. Guess I couldn't breathe very well last night.

Now, coffee in hand, calming down. Planning my day.

Is this all because he has been here, off and on, this week - repairing the stairs? Or because our 34th Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow? Or because I am working in this house - and finding things that remind me?

Doesn't matter. Making a hair appointment, going to the bank, heading towards adoration (but not till VBS has ended). Survival - cranking up my music. Sipping my coffee. Breathe.


My favorite group (JYJ) singing a song for their fans: "The boy's letter". Recommended by JaeJoong when fans are feeling depressed:

Five in five

I've been celebrating the joys of being a Grammie lately. The newest addition made his arrival in early June - and, of course, he's adorable.

All of my "Little Women" and "Little Men" are precious. As I get older, Louisa May Alcott's books speak even more to me than they did when I was a child. I always wanted a dozen children (really, truly!). I had lists of names (and their meanings) ever since my baby brother was first born. I knew that my husband would never go for that many - so we compromised with three (although I was pushing for five!).

Now, my daughters are joyfully becoming wonderful young mothers - and their husbands are incredibly attentive young fathers. I pray daily for their protection. Their blessings are increasing (and mine along with them). We now have five little women (2) and men (3) - within five years' time! Who knew that we would be celebrating like this five years ago?! The oldest and youngest (at the moment) share their birth month - making it five grandbabies within five years!

Another joy is the fact that they will soon be living less than five minutes apart from one another! Ah, to grow up with the extended family and love of aunts/uncles/cousins! And, in this instance, Godparents! Hopefully, in a few years, this circle will also extend to the youngest sister (she is still pursuing her studies and has yet to meet the "right" one, so to speak).

I love watching the interactions of them all. How they navigate their relationships - the usual bumping into one another and tears and hugs and laughter. At the end of the day, it is still hugs and kisses all around - and prayers for one another. I think that if my husband and I had included nightly family prayers then we would have cemented our relationship with one another and with God more fully. (Wishing I could go back in time!).

Thanking God - and drawing closer to our Mother Mary. Keeping the faith - and basking in the blessings of being a grandparent! Five in five - wow, what joys the future holds!

Second Installment - Homecoming

That's what it felt like - a "homecoming". I saw cousins and aunts and uncles that I haven't seen in years. I was welcomed - with open arms.

We celebrated Meem. And the pastor was wonderful about focusing on Meem's deep faith. He used her worn, marked-up Bible to illustrate much of his description of Meem and her life. He even said that if Meem's passing just drew one more person closer to the Lord and to Jesus that she would have been happy. True story.

My cousin even put his five-year sobriety chip in the casket with Meem. She was truly a matriarch - well-loved and well-respected.

As I was preparing to get back on the road, the words that I was able to hear: "She loved you and she always appreciated what you did for me." I didn't "need" to hear that - but it sure felt wonderful to have it said.

And, from one of my older cousins, "meet you on Facebook!" It was a time of hugs, kisses, and remembrances. I "needed" to go.

Cousins 

P.S. It rained the entire time. God was grieving with us.                                                                           

First Installment

My grandmother passed away two days ago. No one called.

I found out about it through Facebook - messaged my sister-in-law and cousin to find out. Only my sister-in-law responded.

I've been told not to stop by the house if I come. I'm going anyway.

Truly the red-headed stepchild - however, I think my big brother feels even worse. He told me that I take things too personally and get my feelings hurt - so I should be like him and not "give a shit". But I know that he does.

Anyway, I will be there at the visitation tomorrow. I will stay for the funeral. I will return home.

If no one talks to me, fine. I know that Meem will know that I was there.

Can't stop crying today...

Looking back and facing forward

Worked on the living room floor yesterday. He came over to get the lawn mower and finally remove his clothes from the closet. In the process, he mowed the backyard for me, fixed the DVD player (it may be dying), removed the set of drawers from the study with his keyboard cables, took his bowling ball, and measured the front rails to replace them. I thought that I was fine - for the first time, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. However, the nightmares came back last night.
I started making a rosary for a precious little girl who celebrates her First Communion today. I finished it early this morning. New beginnings! There is a big celebration today.
So, looking forward: big interview in SC at the end of this week (praying for a job in a new place), niece's college graduation, and heading to Boston at the end of the month to prepare for the arrival of my third grandson, fifth grandchild!
As for the house: finishing the living room floor, the fence is going back up, the front rails and steps will be replaced/repaired, and now I can paint that room! Also, one of my baby girls is moving in for just a few weeks- her family will join her when possible- so, I won't be alone.
I've started dancing again.