Daily Struggles - and Blessings....

It was a tough day at school. However, in the midst of the anxiety, stress, and worries of the day, I was blessed by the actions of several children. 

Near the end of my first class, someone sprayed something in the room that shut down my airway fairly quickly. I immediately had a student raise the back window while I stayed up by my desk. I could feel my strength waning but I didn't want to show much of a reaction when it was almost time for the bell to ring. Apparently, it was evident to a couple of students that I was in distress because one of the girls came up to me and commented that my face was really flushed - she asked if she should call the nurse. I told her that I would be fine - not to worry. As the room emptied, she stayed behind and asked me again if I was okay. I told her that I had some medicine in my closet and she walked with me to make sure that I was fine. She didn't leave until after I had retrieved my inhaler. She told me that she didn't see who had sprayed it - and apologized. What a sweet child! 

During lunch time, three students stopped by to check on me. They were concerned as to whether or not I was okay. I told them that I was doing fine and thanked them for stopping by. (I must have looked as bad as I felt when they had left my class earlier...so much for trying to hide my symptoms). 

After school, I had another student show up for help with his chemistry. He pulled out his phone with a photo of Elvis etched into the back of it and commented that was his favorite singer of all time. I laughed and told him that I was a big Elvis fan but I was surprised that he was. It was his mom's favorite singer - she passed away a few years ago - and they used to sing Elvis songs in the kitchen while she cooked and he did homework. Then I find out that he was adopted - and that he has a 5 year old little brother (also adopted) by his foster parents. This young man shared with me that he is going to enlist in the army, plans to pursue studies in meteorology, and make his mom proud. His mom had to have been a very special person. What a gift I received today!

Gwaenchanhayo

"It's all right/okay" or "Are you all right/okay?" Difference being intonation, of course!

I have thoroughly enjoyed delving into my Korean studies today. No, I didn't binge on watching K-dramas or listening to K-pop. I actually spent time writing/studying Hangul and learning vocabulary.
Waeyo? I don't know if I can even explain it. I have always loved studying etymology/linguistics/languages - my Dad instilled that in me when he started teaching me Spanish when I was only 5 years old. He set up a little classroom area in his "office" and taught me from an old brown book that I think first belonged to my maternal grandmother (a high school Spanish/English teacher).

Over the years, I added German phrases (my German grandmother!), French, Italian, Japanese (something about a Girl Scout badge way back when) - learning polite words in many languages. (Please, thank you, excuse me, you're welcome, etc.). During junior high, I had a social studies teacher who instilled in me my love of Russian history (Miss Hamilton). Then, in high school, I participated in the pen pal program: gaining "friends" in Morocco, Germany, South Africa, Hong Kong, and Ireland. I wish I could say that I am still in contact with all of them - but I am not. I do still have their letters and photos. I wonder if they have mine. I became fairly fluent in Spanish during my high school years, testing out of my foreign language requirement for college, but fully intending to go on to study Russian language during my college years.

I did that - adding linguistics and literature classes to my curriculum. Linguistics class was taught by one of the Russian language professors - and it introduced so much about etymology, different forms of dialects, etc., sparking my love even further. I don't recall the Swahili that we learned during that class but I remember that it was one of the languages we covered. While browsing the college bookstore, I picked up additional books on learning Gaelic and Chinese. I tried teaching myself those languages, too. I don't know why I didn't ask one of my friends on campus to tutor me - maybe because I was so focused on my major in Russian? When I returned to college, I continued with studies in "The Language of Medicine" and learning Signed English. I went on to use the Signed English as a social worker - assisting me with the American Sign Language that some of my clients used.

It is true that if you don't use it, you lose it. I don't speak Spanish or Russian very well anymore - even though I had once achieved a decent level of fluency. I do understand much more than I can speak. It was nice for awhile when I had local friends of Hispanic descent who would force me to use my Spanish once again. One by one, they got transplanted. *sigh* However, I saw my children make good use of the excellent teachers they had in high school and conversing with their Mexican friends.  I am impressed with their talent!

My dad had that talent: learning/speaking/writing in eight different languages. And, yes, he started learning Russian on his own when I was studying it in college! He was raised in a bilingual household: German remaining the language at home until his great-grandmother passed away when he was 12 years old. In addition, my maternal grandfather was fluent in both Spanish/Portuguese and worked for the United Fruit company - flying back and forth between the US and South America in the early 1940s. Oddly, my mother has no ear for language, nor does she seem to have any desire to learn any other languages. When I told her what I was doing today, she remarked "whatever floats your boat" and her tone was very flat. I sense that she doesn't approve at all. I don't think she ever really approved of me learning Russian either come to think of it. My dad is the one who bought me all of the foreign language books....

My daughter inadvertently sparked my interest in Korean by introducing me to K-dramas. The fact that her mother-in-law is also Korean contributes to my desire to welcome/embrace her language/culture into our own. I have always admired Asian men - dated a young man in college who was Korean/Japanese and another who was Chinese - not counting the others whom I had crushes on/friendships with. Then, years later, my best friends happen to be Japanese and Filipino. I was learning some Tagalog until.....I won't go there. Anyway, Korean is phonetic (like Russian!) - now if I could just master memorizing the alphabet! I am on toddler level right now - just basic words/phrases.

Letting go of my past, walking away from teaching, and learning what I want to learn. Gwaenchanhayo!

Receiving my nudges:

I've prayed for guidance and, gently, I am getting little hints and nudges. Today, I officially resigned my position as of June 1st (the end of the school year). That means I'm done with teaching in schools. Maybe I'll tutor, or return to parish religious education in the future, but the passion is gone. I had to turn in a letter of intent first thing this morning - I listed "relocation" as my reason.

What I have learned over the weekend:
1) I wanted a smaller town so that I could drive less - instead, I am driving more. And, there is no public transit system in place that would allow me to not drive to some of the places I need to go. I see accidents every day - something I just don't recall seeing anywhere else.

2) My big bro and his family go out of their way to check on me and get me out - but they are reaching a point where they want to travel more. I don't want to be their third wheel - they truly deserve time exploring things on their own. I love and appreciate all that they are doing with me and I will treasure this time here always.

3) I've enjoyed spending time with my new church friend and her neighbors - they are trying to convince me to move to their neighborhood. Strike #1: it feels as though it is in the midst of the boonies and, during the flood, they were totally cut off. Strike #2: it has a very strict HOA - where people actually report their neighbors because a Christmas wreath on the door is wider than 18 inches across. Strike #3: it's a 55+ neighborhood and it seems like I am hanging out with my mom and her friends (I feel too young even if I'm not).

Maybe I need to head back home when my lease runs out (if the house still hasn't sold by then). I will make that decision when summer-time draws near. For now, I still have a job and an apartment. Time to make some memories here (without being as stressed about everything).  I need to get to the beach - still haven't gotten there!

Vertigo (and realities)

There was a time when I would never, ever miss church. Part of that was because I didn't always have to drive. Now, I have missed several Sundays - here and there - due to illnesses, floods, etc. I try to watch Mass on EWTN when that happens because I don't want to miss my time with Jesus. Of course, I always feel as though I can talk to Jesus - but it is more comforting to actually be in his presence.

Vertigo has hit me off and on this week. Not as badly as it did several years ago when I couldn't drive anywhere and missed several days of work but it is a bit scary when you get that spinning feeling when sitting in traffic. I truly don't want to cause an accident because I lost it momentarily. I did experience one day at school where I was extremely nauseated and actually had to sit on a stool in order to make in through the lectures of the day. Since then, it has come and gone at odd times - nothing predictable. I fell off of my desk chair one morning - fortunately while it was my prep time and not during class. Random, I know - totally lost my balance and knew I was going to fall. Couldn't stop it though. If I was to get up right now from my recliner, then I would fall over. I can totally feel the imbalance and the tinnitus has started up again.

I can't afford to take another day off this next week because I have to go in to see a specialist the following week. In weighing pros and cons, since the vertigo is a symptom of migraines, I really should consider living somewhere i would have access to public transportation - or where I could walk to many places. Two pluses to living in town in C'ville: could get to a store for milk if needed and originally the car repair shop was downtown so I could drop it off if I had problems and walk home. I also liked being able to walk to the library or to one of my favorite restaurants. And, I did walk to church a couple of times (even though it was a trek).

So, I guess I should be considering my mobility. Received an email from the school's secretary this week (blanket email to all teachers) mentioning the due date for a letter of intent. I must say that I'm not sure what that is all about. Is it a statement as to whether or not you plan on returning to work in the same position the following school year? Back when I worked at a private Catholic school, we actually had to write a letter basically pleading our case to ask for a job for the next year (I really objected to the tone of that but I did comply).  Now, if I need to write a letter by the end of February committing to a position for next year then I am completely torn. I have no desire to continue working in these exact same conditions: yes, I am doing just fine teaching physical science and chemistry but I extremely dislike teaching in these subject areas because they aren't my "passion". My BS degree is in Biology (love, love, love teaching Bio - particularly cell ultrastructure and anatomy/physiology and zoology) - plus I am licensed to teach English (Language Arts) - (again, love, love, love teaching great literature and creative writing). I enjoy algebra but it isn't a passion - much better than what I am doing right now though. I have no desire to "commit" to a school that still hasn't shown me two things: 1) that I will be allowed to teach in my subject areas only and 2) that I will have "back up" from the admin when necessary.  Plus, it is a 30 minute drive - that's not bad - it's just that when I am feeling like this then I can't even drive 5 minutes away. (not safely).

Here I am - I've moved to an area where the weather is much better but did I really consider all of my needs? The big city near my children is looking and sounding more and more appealing. As I have always said (and one of my daughters pointed out to me), people are always more important. (Sorry about the "double" always in the same sentence).

God, please help me sell my house and make the "right" decision.....

my response and musings regarding "mustbethistalltoride"

"But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.

I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”

But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.

She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.

I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.

Men Can Do Things

Men invented heavy machines that can fly in the air reliably and safely. Men proved the heliocentric model of the solar system, establishing that the Earth orbits the Sun. Men design and build skyscrapers, and take hearts and other human organs from dead people and replace the corresponding failing organs inside of living people, and then those people stay alive afterward. Which is insane.

Men are totally good at stuff.

Men are perfectly capable of doing a lot of these things our wives complain about. What we are not good at is being psychic, or accurately predicting how our wives might feel about any given thing because male and female emotional responses tend to differ pretty dramatically.

‘Hey Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?’

Several reasons.

I may want to use it again.
I don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are coming over.
I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting, or to enjoy yardwork. I don’t want to crochet things. And it’s hard for me to imagine a scenario in which doing a bunch of work in my yard sounds more appealing than ANY of several thousand less-sucky things which could be done.
There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her. I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her— literally causes her pain—because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

All the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a (quasi) dirty dish.

Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me.

I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.

Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.

Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”

Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.

Yes, It’s That Simple."

One of my Catholic friends posted this on her wall. I wanted to respond on his blog but I just couldn't bring myself into that "realm of criticism". There were a lot of mean things said in answer to his words. I know that he is trying to make sense of it all. How can there be any sense? He doesn't have the "Catholic" perspective because he doesn't view himself as still being married - he refers to himself as divorced and single. He is taking it as a learning experience and moving forward. I am not divorced and "single" - I am alone but still married in the eyes of the Church. Once upon a time this really meant something in our societal values. Today's world is much more selfish - "if I think it, then it is my truth" and no one can infringe upon that. Just look at how you can "name your own gender" and everyone has to go along with it. Sorry, I still don't want someone who is biologically a man in the same bathroom as me - I don't know if he really "believes" he is a woman or if he has just found another way to victimize women. I'm not in his head but I can readily identify the biology.

So, how do I deal with this information? I've done what he's done - "what if?" What could I have done differently to preserve my marriage? I never stopped loving my husband no matter what he did. I kept thinking that our vows and God and love would win out. Wrong. So wrong. Even when I saw it spiraling out of my control, there was nothing that I could do at that point. 

Once she started taking all those little acts personally - there was nothing he could have done. He could have started putting that glass in the dishwasher but she wouldn't have recognized it. She was already emotionally gone. Where did she go? Who did she go to? Or did she just want her own space? One thing that I have learned from the men in my life - true story: men don't leave until they have someone new to go to.....and they will make up reasons as to why they had to go. Mine hated me because I was "too old, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, and too Catholic". His actions and demeanor towards me just compounded the depression and anxiety from my PTSD with the normal symptoms of menopause. I felt as though I was losing my mind at times - not being able to recall the "name" of a dishrag (I knew what it was but I couldn't say what it was) - so I guess that could have been me becoming "stupid" after having been called a "brain" all of my life. Suicidal thoughts - I struggle with them so often - but I now recognize that they are just a symptom of my panic attacks (not something to act upon). I still am discovering that I am having difficulties trying to learn new things. I just can't grasp new concepts as easily - I can feel myself shutting down but I can't always stop myself. It's frightening at times. 

The most frustrating thing of all is that all of the medical tests come back that I am "normal". Which means that all my physical symptoms - the migraines, the loss of memory, the feeling of panic that can last for hours  (making my heart pound out of my chest), the depression - crying without being able to stop, the total shutdown and inability to perform simple daily tasks (like putting that dish in the dishwasher), the inability to breathe - sometimes leading to actually passing out or hyperventilation, basically all comes back to childhood trauma and PTSD - meaning it truly "all" is in my head - or my hormones when it is coupled with the menopausal symptoms. This is why I hate going to the doctor - no one ever tells me that there is a reason for all of my symptoms - just that physically speaking - I shouldn't have any of my symptoms (my neurologist was the only one who took it all seriously). As my father always told me - "I'm not going to tell you the side effects because you are a hypochondriac"....so there is my first diagnosis (the heart murmur wasn't discovered until I was 24 years old). 

What should I do? I know psychologically that I need a "safe place". I haven't found it. I used to feel that in my house (and back yard) - but that got "stripped" from me. Going to the chapel in the middle of the night sometimes helped me deal with those feelings - because I could feel safe with Jesus. I'm in a better place weather-wise (cold is so intrusive) but I am definitely not someone who thrives in an apartment-environment. All the noises from my neighbors trigger the anxieties - the sounds are just as jarring to me as a telephone ringing. (I realized that I'm probably just hearing normal sounds but they seem magnified in this environment). I have to lock my door just to step out into the yard - no "safe" feeling there. 

My "brain" capacity seems to be overwhelmed with learning Chemistry and Physical Science. Other tasks that should be extremely easy for me are incredibly difficult. I cannot multi-task without triggering the panic. Today I truly don't feel as though I can handle anything other than grading papers and preparing for classes tomorrow (so I can "survive" one more day). I have to deliberately focus and distract myself with "normal" tasks so that I don't go into panic mode. My new mantra is "Do not rush, do not rush". Step by step, walk myself through it. Is this all my lesson on learning how to "let go and let God"? I keep failing in that - I pray, I go to mass, I spend time trying to build my faith, and I still panic. 

It is comforting to have Jack. He helps me to feel "protected" and I have to get up and take care of him even when I don't feel strong enough to take care of myself. I guess I have never learned to just be me. I have always been some kind of a "care-taker". Is that a valid personality type? Maybe that's why my husband left? 

To sleep, perchance to dream....

That old MASH episode is re-playing in my head again this past week. I've been trying to go to bed early, use calming techniques, etc. and I still end up having horrible dreams. They used to be frightening dreams (my entire life I've experienced continuous nightmares). R chased them away just by his presence. Now that he is gone, he figures prominently in my dreams - arguments, cold insensitivities, etc. So much so that I have panic attacks before bedtime. Even wake up to panic attacks. Mornings like today are blessings in that I have time to get up slowly, sit still, calm down, and savor my morning coffee. As long as I don't rush, don't panic about daily activities, I can make it through the day with some sense of calm and feeling of accomplishment.
God is sending me signs of encouragement throughout the day - Saturday, I had an elderly gentleman (using a walker) blatantly flirt with me - telling me that I reminded him of a lassie that he left on the banks of Loch Lomond back in 1952/3 - I thanked him for sharing his memory with me and he called out "God bless you" as I entered the pharmacy. Then, after Mass yesterday, I could tell that the lady next to me kept watching me and acted as though she wanted to say something - as we gathered our things to leave, she reached over to touch my arm and she said, "have a blessed week". I thanked her and she left.

Immediately after Mass, I met up with another lady whom I had met the previous week in the parish office - we had brunch together and spent the afternoon in conversation. Originally, we were going to go to the movies, but we talked so long that the times were off for the movies we were interested in seeing. There is a "retreat" in preparation for Lent tonight at church that we are thinking of attending. However, today is my big brother's birthday - I will check in with him regarding plans today.

My gut reaction today is to shut down - I slept in a panic, woke in a panic, am just now calming down. I want to focus on learning something that I want to learn - not on lesson plans or grading papers (which I should do!).  Or just clean the apartment....I'm grateful that this is a shortened week. I'll be fine once I have my second cup of coffee....

My head today has one of those congested senses of my "auras" - impending migraine. Something else to divert.

So, let me tell you about the mallards. God knows that I love mallard ducks - one of my favorite childhood books was "Make Way for Ducklings" which Mom and Dad brought back from a trip to Boston that had apparently convinced my dad that he wanted to become a doctor after doing rounds at Mass General with one of his college friends....(Yes, it takes me a long way around to get to the story!).

In the midst of this past week (and all of its stresses), I have enjoyed watching the mallards outside of my apartment (at the retention pond). Somehow, with all the little ducklings that were here when I first moved in, there is now only one little brown female and about a dozen handsome emerald-headed males. They were all chasing after her at the beginning of the week - so intent on winning her over that my presence with the dog had no impact on their activities.  The next day, the same thing occurred - she dodged and ran while they chased after her, flapping their wings, strutting their stuff, etc. Then, on the third day, all of the males were swimming in the pond while one tall, handsome young male escorted her around the outskirts of the pond. That is the scene now - she walks with her handsome beau while the others "cool off" in the water. Thank you God for allowing me to see these lovely glimpses of the beauty and order of this world.

Continuing to struggle

However, if you're looking for my wedding band, then you'll find it in my purple prayer box.....I took it off yesterday after I found out that he is taking her to meet our babies. My sorrow deepens - truly what does God want me to learn from all of this? I don't feel stronger - I feel completely broken. Is that what I need to become a better person?
I am wearing other rings - my hand would feel too "naked" otherwise. My vows are just as strong but the officer was right - they are meaningless to him. How was I fooled? Was I ever loved?
O Mother Mary and Saint Helena, how did you persist? I am no longer meaningful even to my students. I have no one to call - no one to share a cup of coffee or tea. I have become a stranger in a strange land.

Struggling

So, my police escort on my ride home from school today finally told me this - and he said it was coming from God - that I need to take off my rings since the man who put them there obviously feels that they mean nothing. "God wants me to focus on being married to him and on my beautiful babies and their grandbabies" still struggling with that idea but maybe I will finally get that mother's ring I always wanted.....

The depths of my sadness....

know no bounds. I just keep sinking lower and lower and lower. I enter my car at the end of the day and I cry all the way home. Even when the tears aren't flowing, they can be felt behind my eyes - ready to be released at any moment. There is no relief in sight - I turn to our mother Mary every night through the rosary, I cannot focus on the music that I enjoy nor even attempt to watch the shows that I prefer - my brain cannot process anything else. Sleep is not a relief - it brings more sorrows.

Every day is a struggle to survive. Deep breaths - one step forward. Could I just have one day of peace where students will actually be attentive, be on task, and be kind to one another? Why do I even care and keep trying when they show no desire to learn? I have finally hit a point where I don't even understand the subjects that I am trying to teach.....this is so beyond me. One more day - then the weekend - I'm up too late - need to go in early to write and to print off a test.....

Flourish

So, in the midst of my overly-stressed world, I am trying to focus on how I can become a better person. I am beginning with the book Flourish by Seligman which was given to me last Christmas by my co-madre. Recommended: take the Signature Strengths survey and then act upon it. Step one - here is the list of my top five strengths:

Your Top Strength

Love of learning -

You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Your Second Strength

Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith -

You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

Strength #3

Appreciation of beauty and excellence -

You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

Strength #4

Gratitude -

You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

Strength #5

Kindness and generosity -

You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.

Now, the task is to create a new way of using my strength and then write about the experience. I am resting today (very deliberately de-stressing) - it is still early in the afternoon and my focus is on accomplishing small things, one by one, to build up a feeling of accomplishment for myself. In the process, I will try to come up with something....