I usually don't repeat my nightmares because I do re-dream them and I don't want to keep reminding myself of the content. However, this is one that I just can't even remotely shake:
I find myself driving out in the boonies to find a hotel where I am supposed to meet up with my husband. He apparently has an important job interview on the following day and has asked me to attend for appearances' sake. I am accompanied by our dog (I kept trying to figure out whether or not it was Jack or just a made-up dog and I couldn't tell ) and I arrived sometime after dark.
Once I pulled up, I was greeted by my husband and then a strange woman comes out of his room. I am told that he is going to leave me and live with her. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with this scenario. Next thing I know - her husband is there. He is now best buddies with my husband and is seemingly fine with this turn of events. I ask him if he truly is fine with this and he tells me yes. I am not fine. Everyone acts shocked. I am still asked to remain for the interview on the following day. Me, I throw a major tantrum, and head out the door.
I pack up myself and the dog and get into the car to leave. I tell them that I am going home - there is no reason to stay - and that the dog is going with me. He then begs for me to leave the dog - not me, just the dog.
I take off and get lost going home - there is no one to call. (I thought about trying to call my girls but I realize there is nothing to say other than I am headed home). I remember thinking why didn't I bring my Garmin because my phone is not finding the way. So there I am driving backroads in the dark and not knowing how to get home. Without my Garmin.
Seems awfully short doesn't it - well, it sure seemed like an eternity throughout the night - I woke up several times and went right back into the same nightmare.
Arguments. Feeling abandoned. Shocked that everyone else seems to think that nothing is wrong with this scenario. Amazed that he even wants the dog. Every nightmare seems to have a very similar theme. Totally why I fight sleep until I absolutely have to have it.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Friday, December 23, 2016
Gifts
Fought long and hard today against a migraine - coffee and talk helped to bring me out of it. No fun when the ringing starts and the head starts tightening and you feel as though you just might pass out.
A simple package. That was all it took. I've been trained - the packages (gifts) always come with a knock-out punch a day or two later. First, let's be nice - then drop the bomb.
Nope, not going to list them all. That will truly push me over the edge. Eldest daughter talked me down off of that cliff today. The aftermath: the tears are still there - behind my eyes. I can feel them welling up but I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to be okay.
A simple package. That was all it took. I've been trained - the packages (gifts) always come with a knock-out punch a day or two later. First, let's be nice - then drop the bomb.
Nope, not going to list them all. That will truly push me over the edge. Eldest daughter talked me down off of that cliff today. The aftermath: the tears are still there - behind my eyes. I can feel them welling up but I'm going to be okay.
I'm going to be okay.
Saturday, December 3, 2016
Panic Attacks
So, panic attacks are absolutely no fun. Particularly in your sleep.
A first that I can recall: my entire dream last night was a full-blown panic attack. My chest hurts so badly this morning. Every time that I was able to rouse myself, I re-entered the dream right where I had left off.
The twist in my dream at the very end was that I was in an alternate reality and everything that had happened had been in my mind because I was actually in a nursing home for Alzheimer's and I woke up when I finally had reached a lucid moment and told myself what was happening.
Coffee, coffee, coffee - help me wake up and calm down.
A first that I can recall: my entire dream last night was a full-blown panic attack. My chest hurts so badly this morning. Every time that I was able to rouse myself, I re-entered the dream right where I had left off.
The twist in my dream at the very end was that I was in an alternate reality and everything that had happened had been in my mind because I was actually in a nursing home for Alzheimer's and I woke up when I finally had reached a lucid moment and told myself what was happening.
Coffee, coffee, coffee - help me wake up and calm down.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Monday, October 31, 2016
Halloween
Definitely not my holiday. I will admit that I enjoyed it in the past - particularly for my babies - but it soon faded away for me. Costumes and decorations became more frightening. Even answering the door to countless strangers - that became an extremely anxiety provoking scene. I still did it - even with just the dog and me - but I knew that I was "safe" with him there (even with him barking at every step, knock, and doorbell - he would protect me first).
Then, one day, I spent my Halloween by driving through storms to St. Meinrad's- it was quite the scary weather to be driving in but I made it safely there and back again. While there, I was invested as a Benedictine oblate novice. A journey towards new beginnings.
After returning home to my Momma's house that day, I discovered that I had traveled through tornadoes along my journey. They were so devastating that Halloween trick-or-treating was cancelled until the following evening in the majority of communities of both Kentucky and Indiana. Momma does not "do" Halloween so it was a quiet weekend as we listened to reports of devastation from surrounding areas.
Then, the following Monday , I discovered that my civil divorce had been processed on Halloween. How apropos. My husband's favorite holiday (due to the close proximity of his birthday). And now the weather made sense to me : God frequently "cries" with me. And for such an abomination of a divorce to be occurring in my life, storms were definitely called for - however, as has happened before, I was kept safe.
So, today is that anniversary. Now he has re-married in a civil ceremony (while remaining married to me in the eyes of the Church) and I have no desire to take part in any commemoration of this day. Once again, God lets me know that He cares, as I received a package from Japan (a CD of my favorite Korean band), that wasn't due to arrive until the middle of November.
Happy All Saints and All Souls Days!
Then, one day, I spent my Halloween by driving through storms to St. Meinrad's- it was quite the scary weather to be driving in but I made it safely there and back again. While there, I was invested as a Benedictine oblate novice. A journey towards new beginnings.
After returning home to my Momma's house that day, I discovered that I had traveled through tornadoes along my journey. They were so devastating that Halloween trick-or-treating was cancelled until the following evening in the majority of communities of both Kentucky and Indiana. Momma does not "do" Halloween so it was a quiet weekend as we listened to reports of devastation from surrounding areas.
Then, the following Monday , I discovered that my civil divorce had been processed on Halloween. How apropos. My husband's favorite holiday (due to the close proximity of his birthday). And now the weather made sense to me : God frequently "cries" with me. And for such an abomination of a divorce to be occurring in my life, storms were definitely called for - however, as has happened before, I was kept safe.
So, today is that anniversary. Now he has re-married in a civil ceremony (while remaining married to me in the eyes of the Church) and I have no desire to take part in any commemoration of this day. Once again, God lets me know that He cares, as I received a package from Japan (a CD of my favorite Korean band), that wasn't due to arrive until the middle of November.
Happy All Saints and All Souls Days!
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
More on teaching
Every time I think that I am done, God shows me that He has different plans for me. I've retired from Faith Formation a couple of different times now. I am once again teaching at a parish - this time I am in charge of the 6th graders. Even when they are trying to be funny in class, they are SO cute! My first session with them occurred this past Sunday and I hope that they learned something in class. Oh my, the Bible stories that they did not know! This should be a very interesting year.
Why am I doing this once again? Well, my modus operandi in the past when I have moved to a new place has been to join a parish, find the library, and start volunteering wherever I feel needed/called.
Last year that just never quite fell into place - being in an apartment felt so unsettled. And, I was just overwhelmed with teaching new subjects while being in a totally new place. I never explored all that I had wanted to within the community.
Here, my daughter is in charge of Faith Formation for the middle schoolers and high schoolers at our new parish. (Yes, she is working in her home parish - I know that some people don't do that but it really makes sense to immerse yourself in the community in order to better serve your clientele). It seemed as though not enough people were coming forward to assist in helping out so I finally told her that if she needed me, then I would gladly take the 6th graders for her. Done. You know how you just get those little nudges as to what you should be doing? Well, when I finally recognize them, I realize that the Holy Spirit is pushing me into something that I need to accomplish.
I never wanted to be a teacher. Growing up, I first wanted to be a horse veterinarian, then a doctor, then a physical therapist, then a doctor once again. When I went off to college and started studying, I realized that I truly enjoyed learning new languages and studied linguistics and Russian (in addition to my second major area of study: psychology) so I started thinking about becoming a translator and joining the Navy. (Why I didn't do that is the topic of an entirely different post).
When I look back at all of my activities and studies over the years, I realize that I was always being prepared to be a teacher. For example, during my high school years, I taught vacation bible school every summer with my best friend. Then, during my senior year, my aunt was the director of Christian education for our parish and they couldn't get a 3rd/4th grade teacher for Sunday school - guess what I did? (all by my lonesome!). Prior to that, my mother had been a kindergarten teacher in a private church school so when I had days off from school, I would assist her with her kindergarteners. In college, I had to take counseling psychology through the education department because our department was filled with behaviorists. I also decided to take a new course entitled Understanding Learning Disabilities - again through the education department - and actually had to design lesson plans when I wasn't an education major. (Got an A+ on my final exam by the way!).
When my oldest started preparation for first communion, our parish at that time held faith formation (CCD) classes on Monday evenings. She was not happy having to spend her "homework" night going to class and complained about going by herself. I told her that was true that it was unfair so Mommy would come with her. Hence, I started assisting with the 2nd graders. I didn't stop teaching various grades in CCD until I had done that for 20 years.
Oh my, how my oldest dragged me into so many things! When she hit 4th grade, she brought home a note from her teacher asking for parent volunteers so that her class could take advantage of the computer lab at school (which was too small to hold the entire class at once). Well, I certainly couldn't have my child missing out on computers! The youngest was in kindergarten that year and was having a difficult time parting from me so I then suggested that I could also spend some time assisting her teacher. She requested that I help at the computer center on their "Centers" day! Not to ignore my middle child, I then made a similar offer to her teacher and was asked to also assist with computer work. Now I was fully ensconced in a weekly teaching schedule.
Turns out that in order to be a substitute teacher in the state of Illinois, you are required to have a Bachelor's degree. Once my daughters' teachers discovered that I had my B.S. degree, they asked if I would become a sub for them since I knew their classroom routines. Thus began my years as a substitute teacher in the classroom which continued from my youngest child's kindergarten year to my oldest child's senior year. At that time, I returned to school and earned my teaching license in April of the same year she graduated from high school. Teaching as a profession began!
Last year, I finally reached a point where I no longer felt safe within the classroom nor felt excited about imparting knowledge to my students. Yes, there were rays of sunshine but, for once, the bad outweighed the good. That's when I decided that I was done. No more teaching.
Yet, here I am. :)
Why am I doing this once again? Well, my modus operandi in the past when I have moved to a new place has been to join a parish, find the library, and start volunteering wherever I feel needed/called.
Last year that just never quite fell into place - being in an apartment felt so unsettled. And, I was just overwhelmed with teaching new subjects while being in a totally new place. I never explored all that I had wanted to within the community.
Here, my daughter is in charge of Faith Formation for the middle schoolers and high schoolers at our new parish. (Yes, she is working in her home parish - I know that some people don't do that but it really makes sense to immerse yourself in the community in order to better serve your clientele). It seemed as though not enough people were coming forward to assist in helping out so I finally told her that if she needed me, then I would gladly take the 6th graders for her. Done. You know how you just get those little nudges as to what you should be doing? Well, when I finally recognize them, I realize that the Holy Spirit is pushing me into something that I need to accomplish.
I never wanted to be a teacher. Growing up, I first wanted to be a horse veterinarian, then a doctor, then a physical therapist, then a doctor once again. When I went off to college and started studying, I realized that I truly enjoyed learning new languages and studied linguistics and Russian (in addition to my second major area of study: psychology) so I started thinking about becoming a translator and joining the Navy. (Why I didn't do that is the topic of an entirely different post).
When I look back at all of my activities and studies over the years, I realize that I was always being prepared to be a teacher. For example, during my high school years, I taught vacation bible school every summer with my best friend. Then, during my senior year, my aunt was the director of Christian education for our parish and they couldn't get a 3rd/4th grade teacher for Sunday school - guess what I did? (all by my lonesome!). Prior to that, my mother had been a kindergarten teacher in a private church school so when I had days off from school, I would assist her with her kindergarteners. In college, I had to take counseling psychology through the education department because our department was filled with behaviorists. I also decided to take a new course entitled Understanding Learning Disabilities - again through the education department - and actually had to design lesson plans when I wasn't an education major. (Got an A+ on my final exam by the way!).
When my oldest started preparation for first communion, our parish at that time held faith formation (CCD) classes on Monday evenings. She was not happy having to spend her "homework" night going to class and complained about going by herself. I told her that was true that it was unfair so Mommy would come with her. Hence, I started assisting with the 2nd graders. I didn't stop teaching various grades in CCD until I had done that for 20 years.
Oh my, how my oldest dragged me into so many things! When she hit 4th grade, she brought home a note from her teacher asking for parent volunteers so that her class could take advantage of the computer lab at school (which was too small to hold the entire class at once). Well, I certainly couldn't have my child missing out on computers! The youngest was in kindergarten that year and was having a difficult time parting from me so I then suggested that I could also spend some time assisting her teacher. She requested that I help at the computer center on their "Centers" day! Not to ignore my middle child, I then made a similar offer to her teacher and was asked to also assist with computer work. Now I was fully ensconced in a weekly teaching schedule.
Turns out that in order to be a substitute teacher in the state of Illinois, you are required to have a Bachelor's degree. Once my daughters' teachers discovered that I had my B.S. degree, they asked if I would become a sub for them since I knew their classroom routines. Thus began my years as a substitute teacher in the classroom which continued from my youngest child's kindergarten year to my oldest child's senior year. At that time, I returned to school and earned my teaching license in April of the same year she graduated from high school. Teaching as a profession began!
Last year, I finally reached a point where I no longer felt safe within the classroom nor felt excited about imparting knowledge to my students. Yes, there were rays of sunshine but, for once, the bad outweighed the good. That's when I decided that I was done. No more teaching.
Yet, here I am. :)
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Retail Therapy
You know, it actually works.
So, my husband married that girl in a civil ceremony. He is still married to me in the eyes of the Church and in my heart. It hurts - hurts like hell - but let him know that? No way. That's why you don't see me posting about that on Facebook - only a small number of people know - and, even then, most of them don't live in that state.
I took off my rings - they made me way too sad. Especially since he left his wedding band with me when he walked out. (Only right since my cousin crafted it for him after he lost his original band in a hotel when our oldest was a baby).
Always wanted a bling ring - and a mother's ring - so I have kind of combined that in a diamond band that has three larger stones that symbolize my three girls. I'm wearing it on my hand instead of my original diamond. That way, people I meet can guess that I'm still married and I won't have to explain anything. And the ring makes me happy instead of sad.
What else makes me happy besides my family? Learning, studying, teaching.....more on that another day.
So, my husband married that girl in a civil ceremony. He is still married to me in the eyes of the Church and in my heart. It hurts - hurts like hell - but let him know that? No way. That's why you don't see me posting about that on Facebook - only a small number of people know - and, even then, most of them don't live in that state.
I took off my rings - they made me way too sad. Especially since he left his wedding band with me when he walked out. (Only right since my cousin crafted it for him after he lost his original band in a hotel when our oldest was a baby).
Always wanted a bling ring - and a mother's ring - so I have kind of combined that in a diamond band that has three larger stones that symbolize my three girls. I'm wearing it on my hand instead of my original diamond. That way, people I meet can guess that I'm still married and I won't have to explain anything. And the ring makes me happy instead of sad.
What else makes me happy besides my family? Learning, studying, teaching.....more on that another day.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Settling in
Wow, so much has happened since my last post. I am now in Massachusetts - yes, I had to leave Jack behind. I try not to think about that and to concentrate on the joys of being with my children and grandchildren.
After all, as my one child reminded me as I prepared for this move, I have always taught them that people are what's most important. Things, I got rid of many "treasured" items. I gave up the house that I had dreamed of growing old and dying in, of a place that all my children and grandchildren could come home to - just like Grammie's house in Cincinnati. I wanted my babies to finally feel as though they had roots. I'm so very sorry that I couldn't remain strong enough to provide that for myself and my children. Mianhaeyo.
Forgive me if I didn't always practice what I preached. Hopefully, I can be a good role model for the rest of my life. In one sense, I have sacrificed nothing to make this move - for I came to be with my children and grandchildren - but I left family behind in order to do that. Naega sagwa. I apologize.
I pray that I am not a burden. I have always admired cultures that promote multi-generational households (my parents even grew up in them). I apparently don't do well with an empty nest - nor in having any of my children too far away. How will I balance it all? I feel sorry towards my mother. How must she feel?
After all, as my one child reminded me as I prepared for this move, I have always taught them that people are what's most important. Things, I got rid of many "treasured" items. I gave up the house that I had dreamed of growing old and dying in, of a place that all my children and grandchildren could come home to - just like Grammie's house in Cincinnati. I wanted my babies to finally feel as though they had roots. I'm so very sorry that I couldn't remain strong enough to provide that for myself and my children. Mianhaeyo.
Forgive me if I didn't always practice what I preached. Hopefully, I can be a good role model for the rest of my life. In one sense, I have sacrificed nothing to make this move - for I came to be with my children and grandchildren - but I left family behind in order to do that. Naega sagwa. I apologize.
I pray that I am not a burden. I have always admired cultures that promote multi-generational households (my parents even grew up in them). I apparently don't do well with an empty nest - nor in having any of my children too far away. How will I balance it all? I feel sorry towards my mother. How must she feel?
Monday, June 20, 2016
New beginnings? Journeys, Part Two?
Which is the appropriate name for this next step? I have booked the Penske truck, arranged for loading and unloading helpers, and secured a storage space in Massachusetts.
Honey and her cradle are packed - ready to be welcomed into her new room in Massachusetts. While Jack, our other travel companion, is coming to the end of the road with me. I have a family checking him out this following weekend. If not them, then I seriously have to consider returning him to the shelter from whence he came. I won't have much time to take him East and get him situated there so I'm thinking that his stop will be in Indiana. My heart breaks for him but I'm praying that this will be a good move for him also.
Now begins the task of remembering what needs to be turned off, final bills to be paid, and figuring out a budget for the items that I will still have as monthly expenditures. Marking boxes for my room or for storage. Packing up the kitchen today!
Packing in Indiana this weekend. I don't have a closing date for the house. I'll just have to move forward without that.
The momma duck and her ducklings are nowhere to be seen - only the drakes and the turtles. I hope that the last four survived (she went from thirteen to four in just a few days' time). Probably that huge turtle in the pond swiped a few from her. Maybe she went somewhere else for safety.
Celebrating tonight with one last night out with my Big Bro and his wife - Korean BBQ! Onward!
Honey and her cradle are packed - ready to be welcomed into her new room in Massachusetts. While Jack, our other travel companion, is coming to the end of the road with me. I have a family checking him out this following weekend. If not them, then I seriously have to consider returning him to the shelter from whence he came. I won't have much time to take him East and get him situated there so I'm thinking that his stop will be in Indiana. My heart breaks for him but I'm praying that this will be a good move for him also.
Now begins the task of remembering what needs to be turned off, final bills to be paid, and figuring out a budget for the items that I will still have as monthly expenditures. Marking boxes for my room or for storage. Packing up the kitchen today!
Packing in Indiana this weekend. I don't have a closing date for the house. I'll just have to move forward without that.
The momma duck and her ducklings are nowhere to be seen - only the drakes and the turtles. I hope that the last four survived (she went from thirteen to four in just a few days' time). Probably that huge turtle in the pond swiped a few from her. Maybe she went somewhere else for safety.
Celebrating tonight with one last night out with my Big Bro and his wife - Korean BBQ! Onward!
Saturday, May 28, 2016
Journeys....
October 31, 2013: I drove through tornados to St. Meinrad Archabbey to become a Benedictine oblate novice and then returned to my Momma's home in Lexington. Halloween was postponed that year until November 1st. And, several days later, I discovered that my husband was granted a civil divorce from me on his favorite holiday. (But with all the tornados that day, I really felt that God was feeling my pain - even before I knew what was happening).
I spent the year helping my Momma (and my Mom) and attending the Cathedral in the old neighborhood that I had grown up in. Mending. Actually found a job teaching classes online via Kolbe Academy for the following year and then my garage burned down. That took me back to Crawfordsville.
So, August 2014, I began teaching on line and remained in Indiana - very quickly I became ill. I did not discover until after an extended trip during Christmas - and the birth of grandson #2 that my house was making me ill (specifically, my favorite carpet - that's an entirely different story regarding someone locking a feral cat in the house for a week (not deliberately)). I completed my online teaching around the same time as my return to Massachusetts for the birth of my third grandson. (June 2015).
And, then, the last blow: an arrival of someone into my world whom I didn't want to see.
With the help of my family, I packed up a Penske truck, moved to South Carolina and obtained a job three days after moving in. I have spent the last year here - unsettled - not really putting down roots. However, it has been a time where I have felt many times that I just couldn't make it another day and somehow I did. I had time with my big brother and sister-in-law that has truly been comforting and fun. (Yes, I would choose to hang with them as friends - not just because they are family - who knew???)
Everyone close to me should know that I love seeing symbolism (meaning) in many things surrounding me. I felt last night that the graduation ceremony was a fitting end to my career as a high school teacher - I loved the fact that the entire senior class and most of the auditorium sang the Alma Mater a cappella! (It was off key (yes, I always sing off key but I can hear it!) but it was beautiful).
Also, yesterday, before I left for graduation, I finally saw why I haven't seen the one female mallard on our pond lately - she was swimming with ducklings!
Side note: (Boston: the first thing that I wanted to see (as a tourist) was the swan boats and the Make Way for Ducklings statue in the Public Gardens. My children had sent me photos first but I finally got to go there with my children and first grandbaby. I have loved that book since I was a very little girl and my parents brought it back to us after they went to visit friends (which determined my father's future path as a doctor). ) This morning, she marched 13 little ducklings from the front of my building to the pond - Jack and I just stood and "made way for the ducklings". She looked so beautiful and proud as she marched along with her chest thrust forward and quietly quacked orders to her little brood.
My next journey will be the pathway back to the Boston area and to "my" ducklings:
I spent the year helping my Momma (and my Mom) and attending the Cathedral in the old neighborhood that I had grown up in. Mending. Actually found a job teaching classes online via Kolbe Academy for the following year and then my garage burned down. That took me back to Crawfordsville.
So, August 2014, I began teaching on line and remained in Indiana - very quickly I became ill. I did not discover until after an extended trip during Christmas - and the birth of grandson #2 that my house was making me ill (specifically, my favorite carpet - that's an entirely different story regarding someone locking a feral cat in the house for a week (not deliberately)). I completed my online teaching around the same time as my return to Massachusetts for the birth of my third grandson. (June 2015).
And, then, the last blow: an arrival of someone into my world whom I didn't want to see.
With the help of my family, I packed up a Penske truck, moved to South Carolina and obtained a job three days after moving in. I have spent the last year here - unsettled - not really putting down roots. However, it has been a time where I have felt many times that I just couldn't make it another day and somehow I did. I had time with my big brother and sister-in-law that has truly been comforting and fun. (Yes, I would choose to hang with them as friends - not just because they are family - who knew???)
Everyone close to me should know that I love seeing symbolism (meaning) in many things surrounding me. I felt last night that the graduation ceremony was a fitting end to my career as a high school teacher - I loved the fact that the entire senior class and most of the auditorium sang the Alma Mater a cappella! (It was off key (yes, I always sing off key but I can hear it!) but it was beautiful).
Also, yesterday, before I left for graduation, I finally saw why I haven't seen the one female mallard on our pond lately - she was swimming with ducklings!
Side note: (Boston: the first thing that I wanted to see (as a tourist) was the swan boats and the Make Way for Ducklings statue in the Public Gardens. My children had sent me photos first but I finally got to go there with my children and first grandbaby. I have loved that book since I was a very little girl and my parents brought it back to us after they went to visit friends (which determined my father's future path as a doctor). ) This morning, she marched 13 little ducklings from the front of my building to the pond - Jack and I just stood and "made way for the ducklings". She looked so beautiful and proud as she marched along with her chest thrust forward and quietly quacked orders to her little brood.
My next journey will be the pathway back to the Boston area and to "my" ducklings:
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