Grief

Grief? I have no answer for how to handle it. Pray, breathe in, breathe out, shove it down, cry it out, and, truly, try to make it just one day at a time.

So many people are being hit hard around me: my aunt lost her precious brother (not an uncle to me - but to my cousins); a dear friend just lost her husband to a long, serious illness; another friend from my parish home of 16 years was tragically killed in a car accident on Friday afternoon (the fault of another driver - who also died).

Last night, my Facebook friend and prayer warrior posted some wonderful news about her oldest son and tonight she posted that he was gone (suicide). He leaves behind a fiancee, two baby girls. And, of course, his family.

A young man (whom I care greatly about) is losing his mom (prayers for miraculous healing, please!). She was very good to my youngest. a "beautiful" person.

A friend of mine has been fighting the big "C" - she is such a trooper. We are rejoicing that two masses have disappeared but there is still more to be conquered. I can't handle vomiting for 2 days and she has been living with it for weeks (thanks to her meds).

My heart is broken - wounded and hurting - but I see joy now. Snuggling with a little one in a rocking chair, reading stories, singing songs - God provides comfort in many ways.

Lent 2017

Not off to a good start. All too sick to actually attend Ash Wednesday services.

As a family,  we have decided to fast from desserts and to save at least a dollar / day to be donated to a charitable cause.

On a personal level, I have signed up to study the Bible and the Sacraments through an online course. I have also decided to set aside daily time for studying Korean.

In addition,  I will continue to create rosaries in my spare time - this is always a time to concentrate on spiritual growth and personal growth.

Preparing for the trials to come....

Just clarifying

I am still married. My husband is not re-married (I am not dead). He has entered into a civil union but it is an adulterous relationship. And that's all I have to say.

I call bulls**t

Just woke up from quite an emotional dream. Apparently, we still had belongings to gather from our house - he was decked out - new clothes, new shoes. Someone (faceless but with a voice ) commented on how painful this was and he immediately stated that he had suffered tremendously. I remained silent. The voice went on about how this process was going to go - we supposedly had written something that was to be read aloud at an upcoming proceeding. He started to say something about how his first ring that he treasured was me and that he had been in agony over losing it. I glared at him and he said something about how that was cruel to say. I finally responded with "you haven't suffered at all - you went directly from your wife to a girlfriend " He protested over how much agony he went through and I saw a little glimmer of a smile. That's when I launched myself at him - now I could feel someone restraining me and I yelled, "I call bulls**t!" He continued to list all the ways that he had suffered and I woke up to the sound of me yelling,  " I never ever want to see you again in my entire life!" My heart is still pounding and I am afraid to go back to sleep because I don't want to be trapped back in that dream,  in that confrontation,  since my brain replays scenes over and over again like the movie Groundhog Day until I supposedly reach some conclusion. I still call bulls**t.

New Year, Resolutions, and New President

Welcome, 2017!
I may not be where I had envisioned myself being at this time of my life, but I am feeling extremely blessed! This has been a very long journey. For those of you who experience clinical depression, you will understand that this has been a difficult climb out of the depths.
Beginning of a new year: time to take stock! Look over the past year's accomplishments, setbacks, and journeys. And, this has been both a physical and emotional journey for a very long time.

My son-in-law and oldest daughter have created a safe haven in their home for me. (It has been a very long time since I have truly had a "safe space" dating back to when my world toppled). I get up in the morning without experiencing anxiety/panic regarding the day to come, my depression valleys aren't as deep or as long, and I can feel that I am gaining strength once again. I am surrounded by love: hugs and kisses abound from the littles. I have been blessed by having been able to spend time with all of my girls and their families throughout this year and look forward to many more adventures to come!

I am still working on learning how to read and write in Korean. My vocabulary level is that of a toddler - without having the grammar skills. How can I address that this next year? I have discovered that there is a Korean Catholic church not too far from here that has services in Korean on Thursday evenings. Once I feel a bit more comfortable about journeying forth in the evenings, I will seek it out. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my own with my books and my CDs - including continuing to enjoy all of "my" K-dramas and K-pop. I am truly hoping to journey to K-Con this summer!

I have been given the opportunity to either remain as an oblate novice attached to St. Meinrad's or to reach out to a nearby abbey. Soon, I will reach out to Portsmouth Abbey to discover what their program would entail. It should either be there or Glastonbury but the family has ties to Portsmouth so that makes the most sense to me. In addition, I am assisting my eldest by volunteering as the 6th grade religious ed. teacher this school year - this is a learning experience for myself as well - delving into topics which is allowing me to explore theology and apologetics even deeper.

And, I have joined the local DAR. Onwards to spending more time this year becoming involved with that organization and learning much more about my genealogy! I was gifted with the AncestryDNA kit so I am looking forward to discovering those results. I am also looking forward to planning journeys to ancestral areas and cemeteries that are located all over this state.

So, what are my feelings about the inauguration of this new President? I didn't vote for him, I certainly would never have wanted the Democratic candidate in office, and I actually supported a third party candidate for the first time in my life. People are organizing demonstrations to rebel against his inauguration but I just keep thinking back on how I have cried over this outgoing President's policies and actions for the past 8 years (spent a lot of extra time in the confessional and on my knees in prayer because of him) and I actually am looking forward to a "new" regime.  The left has gone so far to the left that I am honestly wondering if the end of the world will be coming soon. Or, will we have years of violence and unrest, as we are seeing all around the globe?

I am hopeful that better days are coming, that I will accomplish all of my goals, and that I will have many, many more delightful years to come with my girls and their families.  Welcome, 2017!

Confession

Totally good for the soul. I love how the Prudential Center makes it so easy to get to confession. Tucked around the corner from Dunkin' Donuts, you find this:

Today we had a totally delightful time: Science Museum, lunch out, and a visit to the Pru specifically for this. Adoration and Confession, what a great way to spend a Saturday during a snow storm. 

Results: I came home and slept. Hours and hours of good dreams! Do you see that?? I had good dreams! Got to spend time with all of my girls and my grandbabies, good friends, and even my Dad came to visit (he had trimmed down because he had been dancing!).  All that in one dream <3 

Welcome to my nightmare...

I usually don't repeat my nightmares because I do re-dream them and I don't want to keep reminding myself of the content. However, this is one that I just can't even remotely shake:

I find myself driving out in the boonies to find a hotel where I am supposed to meet up with my husband. He apparently has an important job interview on the following day and has asked me to attend for appearances' sake. I am accompanied by our dog (I kept trying to figure out whether or not it was Jack or just a made-up dog and I couldn't tell ) and I arrived sometime after dark.

Once I pulled up, I was greeted by my husband and then a strange woman comes out of his room. I am told that he is going to leave me and live with her. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with this scenario. Next thing I know - her husband is there. He is now best buddies with my husband and is seemingly fine with this turn of events. I ask him if he truly is fine with this and he tells me yes. I am not fine. Everyone acts shocked. I am still asked to remain for the interview on the following day. Me, I throw a major tantrum, and head out the door.

I pack up myself and the dog and get into the car to leave. I tell them that I am going home - there is no reason to stay - and that the dog is going with me. He then begs for me to leave the dog - not me, just the dog.

I take off and get lost going home - there is no one to call. (I thought about trying to call my girls but I realize there is nothing to say other than I am headed home). I remember thinking why didn't I bring my Garmin because my phone is not finding the way. So there I am driving backroads in the dark and not knowing how to get home. Without my Garmin.

Seems awfully short doesn't it - well, it sure seemed like an eternity throughout the night - I woke up several times and went right back into the same nightmare.

Arguments. Feeling abandoned. Shocked that everyone else seems to think that nothing is wrong with this scenario. Amazed that he even wants the dog. Every nightmare seems to have a very similar theme. Totally why I fight sleep until I absolutely have to have it.

Gifts

Fought long and hard today against a migraine - coffee and talk helped to bring me out of it. No fun when the ringing starts and the head starts tightening and you feel as though you just might pass out.

A simple package. That was all it took. I've been trained - the packages (gifts) always come with a knock-out punch a day or two later. First, let's be nice - then drop the bomb.

Nope, not going to list them all. That will truly push me over the edge. Eldest daughter talked me down off of that cliff today. The aftermath: the tears are still there - behind my eyes. I can feel them welling up but I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

Panic Attacks

So, panic attacks are absolutely no fun. Particularly in your sleep.

A first that I can recall: my entire dream last night was a full-blown panic attack. My chest hurts so badly this morning. Every time that I was able to rouse myself, I re-entered the dream right where I had left off.

The twist in my dream at the very end was that I was in an alternate reality and everything that had happened had been in my mind because I was actually in a nursing home for Alzheimer's and I woke up when I finally had reached a lucid moment and told myself what was happening.

Coffee, coffee, coffee - help me wake up and calm down.

Nightmares

36 years ago, he chased them away. Now, they are fully comprised of him.

I fear sleep.