So, a book that I have contributed to has been released. I don't know that I will ever share that news with the world. Some things are just best left anonymous.
A thought that has just occurred to me - through reading posts of friends and Facebook acquaintances: What happened to that girl who dropped her boyfriend with a roundhouse kick just for becoming a bit too handsy in a school hallway? Would I have felt better if I had just punched my husband once for yelling at me for upsetting his "girlfriend" because I told her to back off from him?
Will I ever be "over" him?
I'm going to go "party" this next week. I am going to dance and sing, make friends, try new foods, speak Korean - hopefully to my favorite band! And come back home and enjoy my grandbabies!
And I am going to weep for those who are feeling unloved, abandoned, dealing with serious illnesses, and who are dying.
And I will thank God for all the wonderful people that he has surrounded me with. <3
“Let us tenderly and kindly cherish therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write.” ― John Adams
Sunday, June 18, 2017
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Confession
Confession should be one of the easiest things for a practicing Catholic. Nope, it just isn't.
And, tonight, it was even more difficult because we didn't know the "rules of the game". That led to a full-blown panic attack while I should have been examining my conscience. I was ready to bolt but I didn't. Believe me, it was truly a struggle. Couldn't breathe, got light-headed, felt as though my limbs were locked. Is this one of the ways that I can easily be attacked?
Yes, I firmly believe in spiritual warfare and I have been in the midst of the war for many years now. There have definitely been casualties along the way.
And, tonight, it was even more difficult because we didn't know the "rules of the game". That led to a full-blown panic attack while I should have been examining my conscience. I was ready to bolt but I didn't. Believe me, it was truly a struggle. Couldn't breathe, got light-headed, felt as though my limbs were locked. Is this one of the ways that I can easily be attacked?
Yes, I firmly believe in spiritual warfare and I have been in the midst of the war for many years now. There have definitely been casualties along the way.
Turning 60
I have come to a realization that this is a big year in one's life.
There have been too many deaths (and life-threatening illnesses) occurring around me as of late for me to feel the least bit smug in thinking that I still have all the time in the world to accomplish the things that I had wanted to before my time on this earthly plane comes to an end. I'm not in a depression (don't worry about that) but I am becoming more aware that if there is something that I want to check off that bucket list, then I had better start doing it!
So, 60 years old - originally, this was the year that the girls and I had planned on going to Ireland. It isn't going to happen this year. Then we talked about going to Mackinac Island and staying in the Grand Hotel - that isn't going to come to fruition either. What other items/destinations are on that bucket list? El Camino (which is probably not the wisest choice for someone suffering from both asthma and arthritis) and Seoul, South Korea. Any other destinations would be choices due to a desire to see family and friends.
My big brother ran a half-marathon on his 60th birthday and his daughter ran with him. He's been running more ever since - choosing to travel back to the Bluegrass and even to Houston to run with our distant cousin and schoolmate. He has bought some show dogs and is returning to the show ring. And, he and his wife bought updated camping equipment so that they can go off together. Good choices for him.
Looking at my interests at this stage of my life: what does it truly mean to be Catholic? how can I be the best mom and Grammie? what do I enjoy studying? (genealogy, Korean language, biology, the Bible) what is my favorite music? what television shows do I enjoy? where will my travel desires take me next? should I work on improving my own music-playing skills?
I'm thinking that I need to step up my Korean studies - it really would be fun to be a translator (a dream once upon a time ago when Russian language was my major in college) and where can I be immersed in the Hallyu wave without going to Korea this year? KCON! (a weekend of concerts, fan meetings, Korean foods, makeup and beauty fashions, K-dramas, etc.). LA is the location of the original and it lasts for three full days while NY is going to host its third for a total of two days. I have never been to California. The deciding factor should be the line-up but I might have someone to share the experience with if I head out to LA. (Addendum: CNBLUE is going to be in NY! Cancelled the LA plans and am heading to NY -- along with my fellow Boice, Jannie from LA!)
We want to take an ancestral "tour" since it turns out Massachusetts is where my ancestors landed when they came to the New World. I will delve much deeper into my roots and (thanks to my oldest and her husband) I now know what heritage my DNA contains. More Irish than I thought I would be but ecstatic that I am - I always identified with the Irish more than the British - turns out it's because I truly am more Irish! 😄
Back to making my rosaries - maybe this is a "ministry" of prayer and intercession that I should be pursuing. Will work on those this weekend - want to get several made before Easter.
I've also decided to pamper myself a bit more. I got myself a "bling" ring in the fall and now I am starting to think that I might want to add to my jewelry collection. Also, I'm enjoying the Hallyu merchandise that I have obtained - ordered one last item before KCON (a one of a kind book being released out of Japan about my Ultimate Bias, Kim Jae Joong).
There have been too many deaths (and life-threatening illnesses) occurring around me as of late for me to feel the least bit smug in thinking that I still have all the time in the world to accomplish the things that I had wanted to before my time on this earthly plane comes to an end. I'm not in a depression (don't worry about that) but I am becoming more aware that if there is something that I want to check off that bucket list, then I had better start doing it!
So, 60 years old - originally, this was the year that the girls and I had planned on going to Ireland. It isn't going to happen this year. Then we talked about going to Mackinac Island and staying in the Grand Hotel - that isn't going to come to fruition either. What other items/destinations are on that bucket list? El Camino (which is probably not the wisest choice for someone suffering from both asthma and arthritis) and Seoul, South Korea. Any other destinations would be choices due to a desire to see family and friends.
My big brother ran a half-marathon on his 60th birthday and his daughter ran with him. He's been running more ever since - choosing to travel back to the Bluegrass and even to Houston to run with our distant cousin and schoolmate. He has bought some show dogs and is returning to the show ring. And, he and his wife bought updated camping equipment so that they can go off together. Good choices for him.
Looking at my interests at this stage of my life: what does it truly mean to be Catholic? how can I be the best mom and Grammie? what do I enjoy studying? (genealogy, Korean language, biology, the Bible) what is my favorite music? what television shows do I enjoy? where will my travel desires take me next? should I work on improving my own music-playing skills?
I'm thinking that I need to step up my Korean studies - it really would be fun to be a translator (a dream once upon a time ago when Russian language was my major in college) and where can I be immersed in the Hallyu wave without going to Korea this year? KCON! (a weekend of concerts, fan meetings, Korean foods, makeup and beauty fashions, K-dramas, etc.). LA is the location of the original and it lasts for three full days while NY is going to host its third for a total of two days. I have never been to California. The deciding factor should be the line-up but I might have someone to share the experience with if I head out to LA. (Addendum: CNBLUE is going to be in NY! Cancelled the LA plans and am heading to NY -- along with my fellow Boice, Jannie from LA!)
We want to take an ancestral "tour" since it turns out Massachusetts is where my ancestors landed when they came to the New World. I will delve much deeper into my roots and (thanks to my oldest and her husband) I now know what heritage my DNA contains. More Irish than I thought I would be but ecstatic that I am - I always identified with the Irish more than the British - turns out it's because I truly am more Irish! 😄
Back to making my rosaries - maybe this is a "ministry" of prayer and intercession that I should be pursuing. Will work on those this weekend - want to get several made before Easter.
I've also decided to pamper myself a bit more. I got myself a "bling" ring in the fall and now I am starting to think that I might want to add to my jewelry collection. Also, I'm enjoying the Hallyu merchandise that I have obtained - ordered one last item before KCON (a one of a kind book being released out of Japan about my Ultimate Bias, Kim Jae Joong).
Friday, March 31, 2017
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Legacy
When my father-in-law passed away, people lined up outside to pay respects on a workday morning. I had never before seen that many people at a viewing. So many made a point of seeking me out to share how he had impacted their lives. What i heard most often was that he never said a word against anyone and he was always ready to help. Wow!
It's not that I didn't already know these things. At my wedding, he danced with me and told me that it was okay that my dad didn't come because he was my dad now - something he fully lived up to for he always kept his word.
I would love to be remembered like that but I won't be. However, maybe, just maybe, people will say she loved God and her church, her babies and her grandbabies , her many "adopted" children, family, music, books, biology, learning, and her sports teams.
Never adept at music or sports, (fairly decent at folk dancing and learning), I am the biggest "fan" cheering on my babies and their babies. I delight in all of their accomplishments and activities.
Praying for many friends and family members, near and far - again, I am a silent supporter. I guess I don't really need to be remembered as long as the love continues on.
Grief
Grief? I have no answer for how to handle it. Pray, breathe in, breathe out, shove it down, cry it out, and, truly, try to make it just one day at a time.
So many people are being hit hard around me: my aunt lost her precious brother (not an uncle to me - but to my cousins); a dear friend just lost her husband to a long, serious illness; another friend from my parish home of 16 years was tragically killed in a car accident on Friday afternoon (the fault of another driver - who also died).
Last night, my Facebook friend and prayer warrior posted some wonderful news about her oldest son and tonight she posted that he was gone (suicide). He leaves behind a fiancee, two baby girls. And, of course, his family.
A young man (whom I care greatly about) is losing his mom (prayers for miraculous healing, please!). She was very good to my youngest. a "beautiful" person.
A friend of mine has been fighting the big "C" - she is such a trooper. We are rejoicing that two masses have disappeared but there is still more to be conquered. I can't handle vomiting for 2 days and she has been living with it for weeks (thanks to her meds).
My heart is broken - wounded and hurting - but I see joy now. Snuggling with a little one in a rocking chair, reading stories, singing songs - God provides comfort in many ways.
So many people are being hit hard around me: my aunt lost her precious brother (not an uncle to me - but to my cousins); a dear friend just lost her husband to a long, serious illness; another friend from my parish home of 16 years was tragically killed in a car accident on Friday afternoon (the fault of another driver - who also died).
Last night, my Facebook friend and prayer warrior posted some wonderful news about her oldest son and tonight she posted that he was gone (suicide). He leaves behind a fiancee, two baby girls. And, of course, his family.
A young man (whom I care greatly about) is losing his mom (prayers for miraculous healing, please!). She was very good to my youngest. a "beautiful" person.
A friend of mine has been fighting the big "C" - she is such a trooper. We are rejoicing that two masses have disappeared but there is still more to be conquered. I can't handle vomiting for 2 days and she has been living with it for weeks (thanks to her meds).
My heart is broken - wounded and hurting - but I see joy now. Snuggling with a little one in a rocking chair, reading stories, singing songs - God provides comfort in many ways.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Lent 2017
Not off to a good start. All too sick to actually attend Ash Wednesday services.
As a family, we have decided to fast from desserts and to save at least a dollar / day to be donated to a charitable cause.
On a personal level, I have signed up to study the Bible and the Sacraments through an online course. I have also decided to set aside daily time for studying Korean.
In addition, I will continue to create rosaries in my spare time - this is always a time to concentrate on spiritual growth and personal growth.
Preparing for the trials to come....
As a family, we have decided to fast from desserts and to save at least a dollar / day to be donated to a charitable cause.
On a personal level, I have signed up to study the Bible and the Sacraments through an online course. I have also decided to set aside daily time for studying Korean.
In addition, I will continue to create rosaries in my spare time - this is always a time to concentrate on spiritual growth and personal growth.
Preparing for the trials to come....
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Just clarifying
I am still married. My husband is not re-married (I am not dead). He has entered into a civil union but it is an adulterous relationship. And that's all I have to say.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
I call bulls**t
Just woke up from quite an emotional dream. Apparently, we still had belongings to gather from our house - he was decked out - new clothes, new shoes. Someone (faceless but with a voice ) commented on how painful this was and he immediately stated that he had suffered tremendously. I remained silent. The voice went on about how this process was going to go - we supposedly had written something that was to be read aloud at an upcoming proceeding. He started to say something about how his first ring that he treasured was me and that he had been in agony over losing it. I glared at him and he said something about how that was cruel to say. I finally responded with "you haven't suffered at all - you went directly from your wife to a girlfriend " He protested over how much agony he went through and I saw a little glimmer of a smile. That's when I launched myself at him - now I could feel someone restraining me and I yelled, "I call bulls**t!" He continued to list all the ways that he had suffered and I woke up to the sound of me yelling, " I never ever want to see you again in my entire life!" My heart is still pounding and I am afraid to go back to sleep because I don't want to be trapped back in that dream, in that confrontation, since my brain replays scenes over and over again like the movie Groundhog Day until I supposedly reach some conclusion. I still call bulls**t.
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
New Year, Resolutions, and New President
Welcome, 2017!
I may not be where I had envisioned myself being at this time of my life, but I am feeling extremely blessed! This has been a very long journey. For those of you who experience clinical depression, you will understand that this has been a difficult climb out of the depths.
Beginning of a new year: time to take stock! Look over the past year's accomplishments, setbacks, and journeys. And, this has been both a physical and emotional journey for a very long time.
My son-in-law and oldest daughter have created a safe haven in their home for me. (It has been a very long time since I have truly had a "safe space" dating back to when my world toppled). I get up in the morning without experiencing anxiety/panic regarding the day to come, my depression valleys aren't as deep or as long, and I can feel that I am gaining strength once again. I am surrounded by love: hugs and kisses abound from the littles. I have been blessed by having been able to spend time with all of my girls and their families throughout this year and look forward to many more adventures to come!
I am still working on learning how to read and write in Korean. My vocabulary level is that of a toddler - without having the grammar skills. How can I address that this next year? I have discovered that there is a Korean Catholic church not too far from here that has services in Korean on Thursday evenings. Once I feel a bit more comfortable about journeying forth in the evenings, I will seek it out. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my own with my books and my CDs - including continuing to enjoy all of "my" K-dramas and K-pop. I am truly hoping to journey to K-Con this summer!
I have been given the opportunity to either remain as an oblate novice attached to St. Meinrad's or to reach out to a nearby abbey. Soon, I will reach out to Portsmouth Abbey to discover what their program would entail. It should either be there or Glastonbury but the family has ties to Portsmouth so that makes the most sense to me. In addition, I am assisting my eldest by volunteering as the 6th grade religious ed. teacher this school year - this is a learning experience for myself as well - delving into topics which is allowing me to explore theology and apologetics even deeper.
And, I have joined the local DAR. Onwards to spending more time this year becoming involved with that organization and learning much more about my genealogy! I was gifted with the AncestryDNA kit so I am looking forward to discovering those results. I am also looking forward to planning journeys to ancestral areas and cemeteries that are located all over this state.
So, what are my feelings about the inauguration of this new President? I didn't vote for him, I certainly would never have wanted the Democratic candidate in office, and I actually supported a third party candidate for the first time in my life. People are organizing demonstrations to rebel against his inauguration but I just keep thinking back on how I have cried over this outgoing President's policies and actions for the past 8 years (spent a lot of extra time in the confessional and on my knees in prayer because of him) and I actually am looking forward to a "new" regime. The left has gone so far to the left that I am honestly wondering if the end of the world will be coming soon. Or, will we have years of violence and unrest, as we are seeing all around the globe?
I am hopeful that better days are coming, that I will accomplish all of my goals, and that I will have many, many more delightful years to come with my girls and their families. Welcome, 2017!
I may not be where I had envisioned myself being at this time of my life, but I am feeling extremely blessed! This has been a very long journey. For those of you who experience clinical depression, you will understand that this has been a difficult climb out of the depths.
Beginning of a new year: time to take stock! Look over the past year's accomplishments, setbacks, and journeys. And, this has been both a physical and emotional journey for a very long time.
My son-in-law and oldest daughter have created a safe haven in their home for me. (It has been a very long time since I have truly had a "safe space" dating back to when my world toppled). I get up in the morning without experiencing anxiety/panic regarding the day to come, my depression valleys aren't as deep or as long, and I can feel that I am gaining strength once again. I am surrounded by love: hugs and kisses abound from the littles. I have been blessed by having been able to spend time with all of my girls and their families throughout this year and look forward to many more adventures to come!
I am still working on learning how to read and write in Korean. My vocabulary level is that of a toddler - without having the grammar skills. How can I address that this next year? I have discovered that there is a Korean Catholic church not too far from here that has services in Korean on Thursday evenings. Once I feel a bit more comfortable about journeying forth in the evenings, I will seek it out. In the meantime, I will continue to work on my own with my books and my CDs - including continuing to enjoy all of "my" K-dramas and K-pop. I am truly hoping to journey to K-Con this summer!
I have been given the opportunity to either remain as an oblate novice attached to St. Meinrad's or to reach out to a nearby abbey. Soon, I will reach out to Portsmouth Abbey to discover what their program would entail. It should either be there or Glastonbury but the family has ties to Portsmouth so that makes the most sense to me. In addition, I am assisting my eldest by volunteering as the 6th grade religious ed. teacher this school year - this is a learning experience for myself as well - delving into topics which is allowing me to explore theology and apologetics even deeper.
And, I have joined the local DAR. Onwards to spending more time this year becoming involved with that organization and learning much more about my genealogy! I was gifted with the AncestryDNA kit so I am looking forward to discovering those results. I am also looking forward to planning journeys to ancestral areas and cemeteries that are located all over this state.
So, what are my feelings about the inauguration of this new President? I didn't vote for him, I certainly would never have wanted the Democratic candidate in office, and I actually supported a third party candidate for the first time in my life. People are organizing demonstrations to rebel against his inauguration but I just keep thinking back on how I have cried over this outgoing President's policies and actions for the past 8 years (spent a lot of extra time in the confessional and on my knees in prayer because of him) and I actually am looking forward to a "new" regime. The left has gone so far to the left that I am honestly wondering if the end of the world will be coming soon. Or, will we have years of violence and unrest, as we are seeing all around the globe?
I am hopeful that better days are coming, that I will accomplish all of my goals, and that I will have many, many more delightful years to come with my girls and their families. Welcome, 2017!
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