Another Grand Adventure

Another Grand Adventure

     Every time we moved when the girls were little, I always told them that we were off on a new adventure. It was easy to fit into a new community when you have children in school. That automatically plugs you into the schools, church, library, etc.  Moving by oneself is a much more difficult task. I have the DAR, PEO, and church community but I am no longer plugged into anything. I don't have to be brave for someone else and it has always been difficult for me to be brave on my own. 

     

     I spent some time checking out apartments in North Carolina and discovered a few communities that I think would suit me. Floor plan is important (I want my furniture to fit!), I truly would like a pool if I am going to be in a complex (although fire pits are the best!), and an exercise room with a treadmill would be something I can see myself doing. And, yes, I am greatly affected by people in the front office/clubhouse. (I ruled out three places by deficiencies in these areas immediately). Of course, my favorites actually take me farther away from the parish that I would like to join so I will have to weigh whether or not that's important. I could just go to the same parish as my family (despite how off-putting I find it to be). It's still nice to be with family, right?

     Thinking ahead to second jobs, checking out online tutoring companies. With a move up-and-coming, that is definitely something that won't be effected by change in location. Working in retail sales for a chain is also a consideration - again, it's possible to retain a position while changing states. Maybe a bit of both? Re-packing some things this week and making use of having my car until it has to be turned in next weekend. Taking care of business and looking forward to the arrival of our new little one next month! 

     I'll try to be brave for my grandbabies. After all, it is another grand adventure! 

One More Time

I'm watching a mini-Kdrama (only 8 episodes) that isn't quite like Groundhog Day (even though it's promoted as such). In addition to the repetition of the same day for one character, we get to see the background/history of both him and his girlfriend and understand why he is repeating the same day. It's all bittersweet. Initially, he leaves her behind but begins to realize how much he loves her.

Will my husband ever have any regrets?
What could I have done to stop him from leaving me? If I could go back, then what could I change? I loved him no matter what - with every cruel thing he said or did, I loved him still. Was I that cruel to him? I've been told by friends and family that I had to have done something to push him away. I'm not the nicest, or talented, or beautiful of people so I guess there wasn't much that I could do to hold on to his love.  I feel so sorry and regretful and I miss him so.

Anniversaries

Some incredibly awful ones are looming up in the days ahead. It is like hearing the pounding of a drumbeat - so surprising that no one else around me can hear it. That's how loud it sounds in my head (and probably in my heart).

I'm going to drown it out - reading, praying, singing, dancing, and watching my shows.  I once had a backyard where I would dance at midnight - under the moonlight - with the dog taking care of his business and/or chasing animals. I felt safe - and sad.

I feel safe here. The nightmares are retreating. Every now and then an ugly one rears up its head but I dream more and more in other languages. And about happier things. I keep trying to give myself things to look forward to - to push me into being brave - to keep me alive.  I guess that I am keeping my guardian angel pretty well occupied 😊

Hairdressers

You know, a good one is so hard to find. My hair is fine but thick - and wavy when left to its own devices. It really does so much better when it is either feather-cut or clipped cut (instead of straight).
And, yes, women will most definitely remain loyal to their stylists who treat them well.

My stylist can schmooze with the best! He listens well, remembers details, and knows how to make someone feel good. Tonight he said that my hair has gotten thicker. He complimented whatever I am eating because my hair feels really healthy. And, here I am, drinking bekseju! This time he even asked me what I am doing to my skin because he said it looks healthier than most 45 year olds that he knows (I'm telling you - he can schmooze!). Anyway, I told him that I have been using Asian products - particularly my snail cream moisturizer (I actually pair that up with some Pure Haven products but I love my snail cream and serum). I also told him that I do have good genes: after all, my 90 year old mother certainly doesn't look or act her age. I would guess her at least 20 years younger if I was just meeting her for the first time.

He loves that I enjoy my K-pop music. He once dated a Korean girl (is still good friends with her brother) so he knows all about K-dramas and enjoys some K-pop himself. He thinks that I am a pretty cool grandma - learning a new language and enjoying a different kind of music (yes, he knows that I can't listen to all the old stuff because of the memories). And, so, he gives me a "student" discount whenever I see him.

He also fills me in on some of the things in his life - actually comes up with prayer requests for me. Yes, it's nice to have an excellent stylist.

Ramblings after a tiring week....

I spent the day sleeping off what I think is just a silent migraine. I mean, I have some post nasal drip and tinnitus (usually a migraine symptom for me), but I haven't had a real fever - so it can't be the flu that everyone else in the household has had but I am extremely stressed and a bit run-down from lack of good sleep this past week.

Got up early this morning to take my temp and ended up crawling back into bed with a dose of Dayquil in my system.

I was locked in nightmares all day regarding my father. I am not going to re-live them here because I have a tendency to re-live nightmares anyway. There are some recurring ones that I have had since I was  a little girl (my brain even seems to tell me, wait for it: here it comes again!).

What I realized after I was finally up today. This is February 4th - my Dad and my Momma's wedding anniversary. Do you know what January 28th was? The day my Dad's divorce from my mom was finalized. Yep, same year, same week. And my baby brother was born the following summer.

And someone else in my family is totally falling off of one of my pedestals. It's destroying me. It's bringing back and dredging up everything.

I even noticed strange red blotches have appeared in random spots on my body tonight. They don't hurt, they don't itch, they don't form a pattern, they are just there. I've had a hot shower, cup of citron tea, Nyquil, and now have a vitamin water on my nightstand. Praying that when sleep finally comes, that the nightmares won't be back.

I can't help thinking that my father's life has cursed us all. His selfishness seems to have bred more selfishness. That good ol' ripple effect.  I prefer to believe in the best of people but I'm getting so cynical. I can't be happy for anyone celebrating a 25 year wedding anniversary because I am waiting for the second shoe to drop. my mom was right: it always comes. (and, with it, something bad).

Even praying is becoming difficult. I have one of my favorite prayers as my cover photo right now just to force me to be able to say that one.

Mani apayo.

Myriad of thoughts

So, I followed up with the St. Vincent de Paul Society. They now have my name and contact info and I have received my first group email.    Check.

Reminder: don't take probiotic capsules. Oh my gosh, I took one yesterday and today I was miserably ill and constantly running to the bathroom. Finally feeling human again.


Missing my North Carolina grandbabies while I had a delightful time on Grammie duty back here in MA filled with teddy bear parties, trains, and ND football! Wishing that the kiddos could spend more time together - they have so many of the same interests.


Little Man #2 and music. Wow! I'm totally enjoying the fact that he loves and is interested in the music that Grammie listens to - he likes CNBLUE, 2PM, GOT7, Highlight, KNK, and SF9. And he enjoys teaching Grammie about the music that he likes: Pentatonix, Raffi, Moana, and selected songs from Hamilton. He totally "rocks out" when he hears a good beat.

That's not to say that my other grandbabies aren't musical - because they are! They just aren't as interested in my Kpop but they do support Grammie in going to see her groups in concert <3

Working more diligently on learning to read, write, and speak Korean. While I was out of town, the Boston meet-up group has actually expanded into lesson times. I will definitely have to check on times and places to see how feasible it would be to attend. In the meantime, I have purchased a concert ticket to see SF9 at the Wilbur Theater in Boston on the evening of November 19th. This is the first time that I have even heard of a Kpop group coming to Boston - grateful that it is one that I know and like (saw them perform at KCON NY 2017!).

Waiting to hear whether or not I have been selected to go to Korea for a variety show called Seoulmate. They bring in foreigners to stay with celebrities for a couple of days in their homes. Honestly, I would be super thrilled to be able to do such a thing!

I have my favorites (my biases) but there is no one that I would refer to as an Oppa (big brother/ boyfriend) like so many fans do. I may "fall in love" with a character in a show but all the idols/actors are so much younger than I am that it is like cheering on my children or my former students. I delight in their accomplishments and support their endeavors in both their public and private lives. They could call me Imo/Auntie and I would be happy. Unnie/Noona are reserved for someone who is more like an older sister - that might be more appropriate with some of the older stars that I like but since they don't know me what does it matter?

So, I need to plan a get-together for my mother as she celebrates 90 next year. I am grateful that she is still extremely healthy - the conundrum is that her birthday falls in winter and during the school year so it is not a great time to plan a family get-together on a grand scale since no one else lives in town. But my Mom is very big on celebrating on the day of.....Thinking of having two celebrations - one with us (her kids) and another with all of our kids, aunts, cousins, etc....


Due to that and other schedule conflicts it seems as though Ireland will have to be delayed once again. Life happens. Maybe, just maybe, I will make it to South Korea for the show at least.....Mackinac Island's Grand Hotel might be a place to still have a get together with my girls? (Somewhere in Time is still one of my favorite movies - although I might cry the entire time).

My husband got to travel so many places over the years while I have never been off of this continent. To Mexico when I was a kid (family vacation extension from Texas) and I think that I might have been in Canada 3 times throughout my life? The one cruise that I got to go on was from New York City to Halifax, NS - and a freezing but fun time was had by all. I have never been to the West Coast and I just made it to Maine (the home state of my grandfather) for the first time ever last weekend. With family spread out, it makes more sense to spend any free time visiting with them (or possibly with my friends whom I greatly miss).

And I should wrap up those thoughts tonight. Take care and God bless!

For the first time in forever....

For the first time in forever, I've gone at least a week without having a nightmare. My dreams have been filled with family and my favorite actors and singers. Quite the hodgepodge, but I'll take it!

I even had a dream within a dream this past week where I happened to be analyzing the dream that had occurred in my dream. How strange! But I remember thinking that my analysis was really "spot on".

Truly, this is one of the benefits of living here with my kids and three of my grandbabies. I have always been a personality that needs a home filled with kiddos. I hope this means that the grandchildren are keeping me young but I know that all of the warm snuggles, hugs, and kisses are keeping me "alive" and healthier than I have been in a long, long time. The migraines still crop up from time to time but they are manageable - not debilitating. And, I've only had one panic attack since I have been here.

I'm not taking the heart meds - the tachycardia seemed to cease after managing my asthma. It took three states and a bunch of doctors over the years to finally (FINALLY) diagnose the asthma. It was much easier to diagnose my migraines (I've had those since I was 10).

I do still take my aspirin. I am mindful of the fact that my grandfather just dropped dead on vacation when he was in his 50s. I also still have times where the depression hits suddenly but I don't feel as though I need the "anti-crying" meds anymore. (I am beyond the point of being suicidal, don't worry).

Learning to spend time each day on my prayer and my studies. Enjoying working on making rosaries once again - I just have to live with my fingers hurting all the time now. As long as they can still function properly, I really have no complaints.

Getting back to my reading daily also. Just completed Our Lady of Kibeho which has inspired me to make a Seven Sorrows chaplet rosary. (the medals are on order). I should return to Cardinal Sarah's The Power of Silence  for the online book club - but, again, I'm finding it tedious.

I hesitate to become involved in some things at the moment because I know that I will be leaving soon for an extended stay with my other grandbabies - assisting their mommy and daddy during the birth of their baby sister. However, once I return, I will assess some of the things around me - for example, our parish works with St. Vincent de Paul (something I've always felt drawn to but was never around). I should get back into the habit of spending at least an hour a week with Jesus in adoration.

I have a wonderful, online support from some "powerful" Catholic friends - that does help give me strength. And, they are great prayer partners!

I'm filling up my empty address book (that I have kept for years!) so that I can begin true correspondence once again. There was a time when I made sure to write everyone in my address book at least once a month. So many of the older family members are now gone but I treasured their responses to my mail. I see society moving away from the "social graces" and I want to at least model some of the "polite, thoughtful" things to do for my grandchildren. I remember one of my grandmothers teaching me how to make strawberry tarts, another grandmother teaching me the love of family history, my grandfather's cousin who continued my love of genealogy, and a step-grandmother who loved her Bible. Oh, and then there was my great-aunt who always played music with me!

I saw a book on a shelf as I visited last weekend - something about the lost art of conversation. That is so very true! Thankfully, we don't eat meals with phones at the table - nor do we answer calls during dinner time. However, society is demanding that we be plugged in at all times.

I am starting a little prayer journal of all the prayer requests that come in daily - and I've added many prayer cards to my collection. I want to continue learning about the saints. Consider that another of my subjects to study.

I hope that I continue to take after my one grandmother who was sharp as a tack until the very end (and who lived through an entire century). I don't dance out in the backyard at midnight anymore (I don't have my Jack with me) but I should continue to dance - I tried the K-pop workshop at KCON and I discovered that I just don't have the stamina - but, as I have done my entire life, when I find myself alone in the house I continue to crank up the music and "rock out" as I go about my tasks.

And, travel - I now see the importance of travel. (I wanted to spend my retirement time traveling with my husband - we should have done it sooner). Two definite destinations in my mind and my heart: Ireland and South Korea. Once upon a time, Leningrad/St. Petersburg would have been included in that list but I've lost that desire. Maybe, after Putin.....

Biology. That study never ceases. That's the legacy of my father that I would like to remember him for - not for the pain that he caused his families through his actions - but the man who took me to the ag barns, taught me the breeds of cattle, showed me the chicks and ducklings hatching, allowed me to observe surgeries (even one on a black labrador - of course, he had to show me that it had recovered!), the birth of a baby (Christopher Michael Cox, wherever he is!), and imparted his love of medicine and how things worked in the human body to me.

My mother took care of my spiritual life. Through all my trials and tribulations, I have never once lost my faith in God. That has to be because of her. And my stepmother was the parent who made me feel safe - I can't deny that. (Of course, if my father had remained faithful, then I would never have been "un-protected").

And, something my mother taught me a long, long time ago: friends can definitely be extended family. They are, at times, the family that we choose with our hearts. I need to remember to make time to visit with some of my very best friends throughout the years.

So, for the first time in forever, I am not debilitated by my sorrows.

Just So You Know....

I'm not one of those people that people tend to remember - or admire. People don't know me at reunions even. I'm one of those fans/cheerleaders on the sidelines. Always supporting - but in the background.

I won't ask to take a picture with any of my faves - I don't want to be that intrusive. I know that about me because I've seen some in the past - at church, at restaurants, just out and about. I won't speak up - or introduce myself. I will however cheer you on. I'll wear your colors and display your photos. I'll talk about that game that you played, the song you sang, the latest drama that you starred in. I'll even keep you in my prayers.

Honestly, that's what I do for most of you. I scroll through my feed sometime during the day - checking to see who specifically is asking for prayers, liking your photos/events, listening to the music that you post (comparing our tastes), sometimes I'll support your teams (if there is no conflict with mine), but I'm here - forever playing in the background (like an unknown or forgotten app).

I'm not the person whose parties are attended, or the fun one that you invite to yours. However, I'm the person who will bake, cook, help decorate, run errands - whatever you need, I will be there. Just don't ask me to greet all of those people.

I'm not the teacher that every student remembers with awe and respect. I just tried to impart the basics and share the joy of studying my sciences or my literature with you. I'm the after thought - oh, yeah, she was okay - or I couldn't stand being in her class. She loved dissection, experiments, Dickens, and made us take notes. Lots of notes.

Got a job that no one else wants to do? Ask Kat - she'll do it! (Stupid is stamped across my forehead). I did all that one school corporation asked of me - even helped start up an alternative middle school and went back to get my teaching license - and when it came time to offer that job to me? I didn't get it. I'm not the PC choice, you see.

I did all that one parish asked of me - and then, when I asked to be replaced? The name that the priest came up with was mine. However, did anyone really know me there? No, I was in the background while everyone else stood front and center.

I wanted to be a doctor - a translator - someone who made a difference in this world. The best that I ever did was to raise three beautiful, strong, young women. (and then, even my husband left).

And that's who I am. I live vicariously through others - and I really do feel joy in all of your accomplishments. I'm not just saying that. So, I'll continue to be that fan (or cheerleader) - I won't get in your way - and I'll expect you to do great things. I'm praying for you.

Mass

What if going to Mass was like going to KCON?

Wow, your Ultimate Bias is Jesus, too!

Hey, who's your bias wrecker? St. John has his moments where he is so adorable - after all, he is known as "the Beloved ". Oh, St. James is yours? - I really want to walk his Camino! But how can we forget St. Joseph? He's that guy in the background that everyone seems to overlook. If it wasn't for him, then what would have happened to our beloved Jesus and his Mother, Mary??

I also love to hear the stories of Joseph and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat, King David, when he was just that shepherd boy, and King Solomon - the wisest king ever! I know, that is so First Generation! But we wouldn't have this generation if it wasn't for them paving the Way!

Where did you find that awesome cross? Oh, it was on ebay? Yes, it's so difficult to find anything outside of Jerusalem. However, EWTN shows all kinds of programs - it's well worth checking out!

Hey, do you want to get together to send a support truck? There's this great place called St. Vincent de Paul.....

KCON NY

Truly, my time at KCON NY was an experience that I will never be able to give its true justice in words. I went to see my favorite band, CNBLUE, and I met others who were extremely like-minded.

But I also enjoyed many of the other little things: attempting a dance workshop (out in the heat, I only lasted 30 minutes but I tried!), attending panels, trying on a hanbok, eating Korean foods (not as many as I would have liked!), talking to people while standing in line, even being able to pick and choose which cds to purchase (I usually have to find all of my Korean favorites on line!) but to see them at booths! 

The other group that I truly wanted to see was Highlight (formerly Beast and now missing one member). They changed agencies and the entertainment company insisted on keeping their name. That doesn't make Doo Joon any less delightful than he is as a performer! It did, however, make people perceive them as a rookie group when in fact they debuted at the same time as CNBLUE in 2009. (Doo Joon and Yong Hwa are good friends). I was thrilled by their performance. My friend had no desire to attend the audience for them with me and I ended up meeting two lovely girls who I spent time with on the following day. "Is that JaeJoong on your phone?" How many people would know that he is most definitely on my phone? That's all it took while we discussed K-dramas and K-pop. We have the same "Ultimate Bias"! 

Of the other performances, I must say that I enjoyed all of the groups at the concerts but I am truly only following KNK now. Their songs are more mellow and much more to my liking. However, due to the different venues, I have now become a fan of YouTuber JuNCurryAhn. Wow, he can play the violin beautifully and is also a talented singer and dancer. He is based out of L.A. and I've subscribed to his channel and even gotten his autograph (twice!). The other person that I will now be following is Kevin Woo, formerly of U-Kiss (a group that I have never followed). He proved himself to be an entertaining and adorable emcee and is hoping to launch a solo career (I will be cheering him on!). Also, the dance workshop that I attended was run by professional dancers called 1Million. You can also see some of their dances on YouTube but they run a professional studio back in Korea designed to teach K-pop dances to even the klutziest of people, like me! I don't normally watch Kcon.tv but I should do so more often: Matt was the interviewer who impressed me the most. He should have his own fan club. 

Another wonderful thing that came out of this experience, I got to meet my longtime online friend in person. We had so much fun running around New York City - totally getting lost and looking absolutely like we've never been in a big city before (and she's from L.A.! - apparently no one does public transit in L.A. - you just drive your own car). We stayed up late - telling our life stories to one another - and enjoying the commonality of enjoying the same favorite band. It turns out that she really isn't a k-popper - she just has her one band that she follows. I think I did convince her to at least like Highlight, too! 

So, here are some photos of some of my memories: