Something I posted in one of my private groups

 I am grateful that I am actually living here with my daughter for the time being - they are trying their best to keep me protected and safe (high risk with my asthma and heart) - so I'm glad that I don't have to venture out. However, I've found this to be a comforting Lenten and Easter season. I have so much more access to mass, compline, and adoration due to the livestreaming of our local parish, the local Dominican sisters, my former parishes, and the Abbeys and Shrines that I feel connected with around the world. All of this livestreaming wasn't available before...I can even tune in and pray a nightly rosary with a dear friend in another state. Why weren't we doing this before? Anyway, I think of the people around the world who have no access to the sacraments - or who are actually persecuted for their faith - and I can do this. This living arrangement is for only a year at most - I'd prefer to figure out where I'll be moving next sometime during the summer. Keeping you all in my prayers because it can still be lonely. I try not to think about the "what ifs and what should have beens" - instead, I am trying to use this time to get "me" in order: studies - both in my faith and my personal interests (even honing my teaching skills because I'm preparing my high school biology lessons for my elementary level grandchildren via Skype) and in putting things in "order" around me. A kind of a "spring cleaning" of my soul.

The world is going crazy

I am grateful at the moment that I have two Facebook walls right now. One lists over 400 friends while the other lists 26. I am hiding out on my little wall where I only post about all things Korean: K-dramas, K-pop, Korean food and culture - also current news since South Korea is handling this pandemic better than most of the world.

The feed on my other wall is sending me over the edge. I can't understand why, now, a lot of my strong Catholic pro-life friends are more concerned with a stay-at-home order destroying their civil liberties and are willing to take their chances with the virus. Fine, and dandy. It's about not overwhelming our hospitals and giving a chance to slow down the spread of the virus. I'm high risk. Probably even more high risk than my 92 year old mother since she doesn't have asthma or heart issues. I've also been known to get the absolute worst version of anything: scarlet fever twice (the trigger for my heart problem), 21 days straight of high fever with mono; and I ended up with pneumonia after attending KCON NY. I even had a severe respiratory allergy reaction hit after cheering on people during the Boston marathon one year.  I digress. The life they save by staying home could very easily be me - or my granddaughter - or one of my daughters. But, no, they want to protest the strict policies of our governor (which the ENTIRE world seems to be following right now - isn't that a clue???)  In addition, our state ranks 3rd highest in the nation for DEATHS from the virus!

Here's where I just don't get it. Even my strongly Democratic friends are posting:" I don't want to hear how Pro-Life you are ever again if you aren't staying home and taking safety precautions. " That's exactly how I feel! And, these posts decrying the loss of civil liberties are coming from very strong devout Catholics. My world has turned upside down.  How can they truly be pro-life???

Guys, I'm a scientist. You might just think that I'm a teacher with a degree in education - no, I came to that later in life.  I'm a biologist. A doctor's kid. A mom. You might say that I've been practicing "medicine" for a very long time.  My field of study is Vertebrate Anatomy and Physiology combined with Cell Ultrastructure and Dynamics.  You - a social studies major - or lawyer - or English major - etc. - are going to tell me that you don't "believe" in the guidelines from the CDC????? Wow - just wow. 

This isn't going to be a coherent rant. This is the only place I can voice my opinion. For some reason, people think that it is okay to attack me for my opinions on my own wall. I can't deal with conflict. But that doesn't mean I'm not constantly running conversations in my head that I'll never have out loud.  I've been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression (suicide risk), anxiety/panic disorder, etc. in the past. It doesn't help that I easily get tachycardia and numbness in my left arm which can trigger the anxiety.  I know that I shouldn't engage because it will actually affect my health.  My migraines and asthma definitely are exacerbated by stress.

So, here's where I stand. I can never vote Democrat because of abortion policies, and other issues that I won't go into here. Just know that I am a strong believer in my Catholic faith so I try my best to adhere to everything within the catechism. I have been a life long Republican who voted for a third party candidate this past time around because I was not happy with either of the main party candidates. I don't want our current president to have a second term but I certainly can't support the Democratic candidate either.  My party is failing me. But the other one will never embrace me.  I'm frustrated because people aren't looking at what is truth and morality or even  listening to science. Instead, they are dividing along political lines and blindly ignoring the needs of humanity because they want to win their pissing matches.

Just please - stay home - don't put anyone at risk of death because you think that you're immune. So you want to be selfish in your own actions - sadly, you can carry the virus to someone else even if you are unaffected.  I am saddened by all of the vile, hateful remarks I am seeing posted on people's walls. It doesn't matter who they are directed towards - it's not what Jesus would teach. Pray for your enemies - forgive them - don't curse them out (it totally lowers who you are and gives the devil a strong foothold). Long before I was married and had children - many of my actions (or lack thereof) were determined by my inner self questioning: "what would I tell my children?" "how would I explain myself?" Some people really need to stop and think: would I want my child to know and use these words? to viciously attack someone verbally ?  You can dislike actions, think someone is behaving like an ass, etc. but you don't have to spew forth any crude remarks.

The 11th commandment, posted on my classroom wall for many years: Thou shalt not offend thy teacher.  Think about it.

Pandemic

Well, the entire world is going into seclusion. Something that I have experienced for most of these past 7 + years. Back then, I described it like being Sandra Bullock's character in The Net but our technology is even better these days so you actually can "see" the other person and recognize them when you finally do get a chance to meet.

Anyway, beginning today, Little Man #1 is home from school for the next three weeks (at least!). This really hasn't changed a lot regarding the daily routine because Littles are still home - we just didn't have to get up as early nor prepare for in-home therapists for Little Miss to arrive. So, I'm taking some time to get into a more regular routine of my own regarding my own self-improvement and reflection.

Maybe I will use one of my journals to record what we are experiencing in today's world. However, this is also Lent so I do have Lenten reading to catch up on. It's probably time to start making more rosaries (if my hands will permit) and to return to my studies on saints. I discovered some Korean library books at our last visit - some are children's picture books - so I am seriously setting aside time every day to actively study. I truly would like to become fluent this year so that I can look forward to traveling to South Korea in the near future.

So, extra study time and prayer time are both on the docket! 

However, this could also be some good "play" time with the kiddos!  Board games, puzzles, books, and my trains could all possibly come out of storage and we could make some good memories! Yesterday, we took a nice walk around the neighborhood - it was chilly but bright and sunny.  We only have one neighboring family and we didn't see them out and about at all.

Praying for friends and family - and their safety.  Peace. Annyeonghaseyo!

Journals

I have some lovely ones! However, I don't use them the way that most people do. If I ever write something down that could be painful for someone else to read after my death, then I destroy it. I might let it sit for a few days but not for long - too afraid of hurting anyone.

I could use the excuse of what happened at my grandmother's 100th birthday party as a justification but I was already destroying diaries and journals long before then. Ah, what happened at her birthday? My aunt had put all of my grandmother's journals on display and my siblings had a lovely time reading about me - and the falsehoods that my father had told my grandmother in order to make himself sound good (and pitiful).  That stung. I never read the passages myself because I didn't want to suddenly hate my own grandmother - and, besides, I knew that it was lies that my dad had told - she was just recording what she knew.

My childhood diaries were destroyed before I got married. Some of what was written in them was made up anyway since I discovered that my mother was reading my diary when I was in high school. I'm anal - I place things in certain ways when I display my treasures. My mother always moved them. The icing on the cake was the time that I came home and discovered my mother and one of her friends lying across my bunk bed and listening to my records. I don't like that kind of invasion of privacy.

I'm also extremely protective because of what I suffered throughout my childhood. Let's just say that I finally received a diagnosis of PTSD when I was in my 30s because of it.

And, later, much much much later, when I discovered what my husband was doing on the internet, I first collected all of the evidence. It filled a huge folder. After the civil divorce (we are still married  in the eyes of the Church), I saw no point in keeping any of it. What did I want to prove - and to whom??? That I was wronged? Well, yes, I was - but does anyone need to know the details? And, well, there's always that possibility that I could die leaving stuff like that around.

What's frustrating about all of this is that I have never felt "safe" enough to write and keep details and thoughts of my life. I would love to record and analyze and feel as though I've learned something about myself - or just to pass on memories (although I'm forgetting them) - but I can't bring myself to do it. What do I want in this life? Well, heck, I don't know and you won't find any lists about it either.

You'll find lists of names and their meanings that I love, genealogy information,  of books that I've read and enjoyed (or still want to someday own), of shows and movies that speak to me, of favorite singers and actors, saints and prayers, etc. I can write things like that. Of my studies, whether it's biology, or language, or math, etc. - I write and re-write. I actually love to write.

I used to say that I had a book in me. I'm not so sure about that anymore. I do however have my words published anonymously in a book. So that's something. Even one of my poems was printed in one of my yearbooks - you'll never guess which one - and it was unsigned. Only two people know that it's mine.

Journals - I keep lists and addresses and birthdays. Everything else just reverberates in my head and I rarely share those thoughts with anyone. My brain is a daily cacophony of noise and conversation that no one will ever hear or know.

And there you have it. That's me. Which reminds me, I should sift through more of my journals and lists to see what else I should be sure to destroy.

Dreams and stress

For the first time that I can ever remember, I dreamt about my stepfather this afternoon. He was standing straight and tall once again -- not in a wheelchair or hooked up to oxygen. He was building a house - I was there with a little one (mine or a grandchild?) - I don't know. However, we I were in a large room with lots of lights on the walls (54?) and, at one end, a fast food counter had just been installed (and staffed!). I remember that we were ordering cheeseburgers and fries right before I woke up.

I woke up so disoriented - and in pain. I had been been suffering from stomach cramps since my migraine last night. I wasn't feeling hungry - but it did get much worse when it was time to eat throughout the day. Finally decided to drink a beer with dinner - guess what?? - my stomach is feeling so much better. Drinking another beer while I catch up on some K-dramas this evening.

Stress. What's my next move? What do I do? I feel so incompetent nowadays.

Memories of Ireland

I really feel as though I should be writing about our adventures in Ireland. I loved the country. I truly enjoyed Dublin, Kilkenny, and Galway. It was green - so beautifully green.

And there were tastes that were distinctly Ireland: black and black (Guinness and black currant juice), egg and mayo sandwiches, roasted tomatoes for breakfast, and even Irish cole slaw tasted better than American (and I'm very picky!). There were disappointing tastes also - too many onions in the potatoes, boiled cabbage, smashed peas under some fish and chips, etc.  Although we did finally find some excellent fish and chips - where was that??? I did find that I should always go with the beef when in doubt - the lamb was okay but not great. So, apparently, I like a lot more Korean food than I do Irish food but I loved the atmosphere.

Churches, Abbeys, Cathedrals, Shrines, ruins of churches. Loved them all. We went to mass whenever we could - that is something that I have never done on vacation before and I loved it! Emotional. Very emotional. Can't explain all of that. I converted before I got married - but I was already being called to Catholicism during my college years. Bought my first rosary (Connemara marble from Ireland) during my freshman year. Also bought my first saint's medal, St. Patrick and St. Brigid. Double-sided. So, with Presbyterian heritage, raised as an orangeman, walking into the Catholic churches, I felt so much that I had come home. I cried over the Memory Gardens, the bullet holes in the Post Office, and over the thought of Cromwell using the churches as stables for his horses. Were the Kennedys who left Dublin Catholic??? I don't know - but I'd like to think that they were. I wouldn't even go to St. Patrick's but we did go to St. Mary's Pro-Tem. It was overwhelming. I think I was silent about much of this as I soaked it all in. Very difficult to explain to daughters who were born and raised Catholic. As were the Catholic penal laws.

Yes, I know my Irish history. Started singing Irish revolutionary songs all the time in college - sang them previously throughout my high school years - just thought of them as pub songs then - because I was a fan of the Irish Rovers (ever since Cimmarron Strip). Have studied Irish folklore and heritage for as long as I can remember. It was the novel Trinity by Leon Uris that really was eye-opening as I read it along with my materials for my Russian history class. The Orangemen had their own version of pogroms - marching through Catholic neighborhoods and then destroying what they could. Checkout the Catholic penal laws! You will cry.

Our last hotel was delightful! It had a hidden treasure in the basement - a pub with live traditional music!! It was heavenly - what a way to end our visit. So much more to write and savor. Later.

Dreams

This past week has been unsettling. I keep dreaming about my husband of the past.

In one, he was the young man who courted me. I even woke up humming a song that I later discovered was one from a music video that I've watched countless times. He came to see me while my little brothers and sister were children - the one thing out of place was that my Dad was with my momma at the time. In real life, my Dad had already walked out when I met my husband. He never met my Dad until after we had been married for several years.

Lie to Me


The follow-up dream was when our girls were little. I can't remember the details any more but I can remember the feelings. I feel as though I am waiting.

Waiting. I mean, I refer to my husband as being a "prodigal" husband - am I truly waiting? Do I somehow deep down really think that he would come home? Ah, but "home" is long gone and I have become a wanderer.

I'm heading to Michigan for the next year - again, to help out with my grandbabies. God has blessed me so much with my daughters, my sons-in-law, and my littles. He knew how much I suffered during the "empty nest" years. My life is being filled back up - hugs from all my little misses and little men are the best (and from my girls).

Ireland was healing. Not just Knock Shrine - the Garden of Remembrance, the General Post office, all the churches and abbeys, sacred ruins and cemeteries, Book of Kells, Galway,Guinness storehouse, the Cliffs of Moher, Glendalough, St. Kieran's church, St. Kevin's cross. Maybe I can capture that in words some day. Maybe the blessing and anointing that I received at the shrine that day is at work. I don't know if my emotions will ever be understood though.

I really do wish I knew more about the only ancestors whom I know sailed from Dublin to the new world. (John Kennedy and his wife, Mary Gibbons). I have so much more information on my Scottish ancestors because they were nobility - much harder to find out about a common person. 

I feel as though I should be doing something to capture memories. I seem to be forgetting so much lately.

Forgetfulness

During menopause and the stress of my husband walking out, I forgot a lot of things. I couldn't even remember the word for a dishcloth as I held it in my hand and stared at it.

It's happening again. While we were in Ireland, I couldn't remember my address to ship my item that I had just purchased so I had to look up the apartment complex on line. Right now, I couldn't recall my phone number to answer a question in my Korean class.

I used to tell my students that I didn't drink alcohol that often because I needed all the brain cells that I had. I enjoyed my Guinness with black currant juice while in Ireland. Why am I starting to forget again? Am I getting stressed? Possibly.

However, I'm recalling many things like Russian words and phrases, trying hard to remember my Korean, and I'm dreaming of people that I know or follow (dreamt about my favorite singer and listening to one of his songs the other night). Had nightmares about my husband and his cruel attitude to me before he walked out. And, I dreamt about a dear friend being sick with cancer (as far as I know, she isn't). Everything is vivid.

But I can't recite a phone number. I need the GPS to travel to most places around town - even after living here for almost a year. I'm starting to forget simple words again. I heard a song the other day and recalled all the words to it - despite not having listened to it in years. Am I losing my mind? Years ago, when I worked as a CNA, I was told that in the nursing home I would find that nurses suffer physically (needing wheelchairs, going blind, etc.) while teachers lose their minds (and remain physically fit). That never bothered me until I became a teacher.

Bowing out of controversy

Yep, that's me. I don't like confrontation. I've hated it ever since I was little.

Recently, I just had enough with some of my Facebook groups (constant reminder of why I really didn't fit it during my college years) or even losing my "safe place" online because you just can't hear tone of voice through the written word and I was criticized privately by one member. I take those things to heart you all. I know that I shouldn't but I do.

But, you know what the biggest sting of all is? No one noticed. It's like that popular saying " Go ahead and dance in the rain - no one's watching, they're all on their phones".  That seems to be so very true.

I miss not being able to be open about prayer requests. I miss little tidbits of people's lives that they don't share on the regular wall but I don't like feeling as though I am a nobody.

And, I'll say it here. All that controversy in the world about Catholicism - well, guess what ? I'm probably as conservative a Catholic as it gets (although I probably wouldn't be labelled a "traddy"). Yep, can't think of a Church teaching or item in the Catechism that I disagree with at all. So, my dear friends, all those things that you think you "hate" about the Catholic Church, even when you aren't Catholic, well, you should just go ahead and "hate" me too, then.

You won't see me posting a lot of that on my wall. I try to post things that make me feel better - not sadder. I don't like debate. I don't like conflict.  I'm just trying to create a space in my world to express some of the things that I can't even share with my "best" friends. And, every time I get teased about wearing an item of clothing that promotes a singer/group/team that I like, I just take notice of all the other people out there wearing theirs (like the person older than me wearing a Dave Matthews or Deadhead shirt, the twenty-something wearing Kurt Cobain, etc. ). Does one actually have to stick with an era in music? I think not.

I would totally plaster my wall with my kids and my grandbabies but I don't have those permissions. So there. That leaves my music, dramas, and the Saints as my safe things to post.

try listening to some of my music sometime, try watching a show with me, share what you like - I'll listen to what you have to say

Choosing Korean Name for oneself

I actually kind of like this one. And, if I switch the last name to Kim, then I would have the name of an actual Korean actress. Pondering this - another suggested way to figure out a name is to study the meanings of the Chinese characters.

Your character's name is: Kwon Jae Hwa
Jae Hwa's Personality:
Big Five Personality Traits: Openness > high; Conscientiousness > low; Extraversion > low; Agreeableness > high; Neuroticism > low. (Myers-Briggs > INFP-A).
Overview:
Jae Hwa is smart, creative, and unconventional. She is also laid-back, disorganised, and non-judgemental. Out of chaos comes genius, but due to her lack of organisation she often has trouble applying her energy and finishing projects. She tends towards radical left and progressive politics.
She is quiet, reserved, and a thinker. She prefers to stay at home rather than go out and make friends. She has a rich inner fantasy life and is a fan of science fiction and fantasy. She is prone to eccentricity.
She prefers to work alone, but because she is disorganised and laid-back this can amplify her difficulty in getting things done.
She is polite, compassionate, and thoughtful. She goes out of her way to help people, and is sympathetic to the plight of people she has little in common with, sometimes to her own disadvantage.
She does not mind a messy environment and is naturally tolerant of the kind of chaos produced by animals and children. She is quiet and does not make friends easily, but she cares deeply for the friends she does make.
She is stable and content. She is often inspired creatively by unusual events and encounters.
She is laid-back about chaotic situations, and often does not care about doing the right thing. She seldom feels guilty about her behaviour.
She is a natural loner, but she is not particularly shy. She can take or leave companionship, and as she is selective in her friendships, sometimes people accuse her of snobbery.
As she is quite positive and stable, she would make a good parent. She is thoughtful and acts as a stabilising force to those around her.
Preferred Jobs:
Poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the performing arts, art curator, playwright, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, environmentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker.
Unlikely Jobs:
Business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, CEO, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker.
Details:
Openness – High. Jae Hwa is smart and creative. She is open to new experiences and tolerant of different types of people. She likes the idea of travelling to exotic places. She is quick-witted and able to think on her feet, and approaches problems from an unconventional point of view. She is an eccentric and a rebel. Her ideas can be too quirky and different and this means that she is prone to failure. She likes alternative culture and has a unique sense of style. She is interested in ideas and blurred lines. She finds radical and extreme beliefs and behaviours attractive.
Conscientiousness – Low. Jae Hwa is laid-back and disorganised. She is better at looking at the big picture, and isn't good at attention to detail. She isn't that concerned about her appearance to others. She likes eating junk food and cake and isn't worried about her diet or going to the gym. She has an untidy home in need of decoration. She tends to spend her money on fun things as soon as she gets it, instead of saving for the future. She isn't a hard worker, and is relaxed about her job. She doesn't judge herself or others. She is undisciplined and often late. She isn't very good at drawing boundaries and doesn't think things through before acting.
Extraversion – Low. Jae Hwa is quiet and reserved. She prefers to stay at home and read books, and is often lost in a fictional world. She likes nature and animals. She spends a lot of time thinking, so when she does talk, she usually says something interesting. While she is independent, she isn't very assertive and tends to withdraw when people cross her personal boundaries. She can struggle to summon enthusiasm, especially regarding social events. She is happy in her own company and copes well with living alone. She gets tired easily and needs to spend time alone to recover. People can assume she is aloof or self-absorbed, though this is not always the case.
Agreeableness – High. Jae Hwa is polite and compassionate. She often puts the needs of others in front of her own needs. She would make a wonderful parent or a nurse. She is able to empathise with others, and has a strong protective streak. Though feelings often drive her, if she is able to take a neutral stance, she can be an effective negotiator between people. Because she values politeness, she can take offense when others are not polite. Sometimes her compassion can be a problem when she directs it towards adults who need to stand on their own two feet. She can do too much for people and smother them with her kindness. She is prone to being manipulated and taken advantage of, because she always wants to help.
Neuroticism – Low. Jae Hwa is emotionally stable and rarely suffers from negative feelings. She is largely content with life and tends to take bad news in her stride. Her ability to cope well makes her a stabilising force for others. Sometimes she can get into trouble because she does not sense danger and assumes she is safer than she really is. She is prone to injuring herself through dares and sporting accidents.
Character created by Name Generator Fun https://www.namegeneratorfun.com/


Another generator gives me Kim Kyon Young which I don't really like the sound of - am going to try that generator one more time - and it came up with Shim Kyon Dae.

And yet another site gave me this name:

You got: Areum Areum, also spelled Ah-reum, is a Korean given name. Unlike most Korean given names, which are composed of two single-syllable Sino-Korean morphemes each written with one hanja, Areum is an indigenous Korean name Areum, a single two-syllable word meaning "beauty".