Final Weekend

It's Friday - the countdown is here. Come Monday, hell or high water, I am leaving the keys with the realtor and I am out of here. Have I told you how much I love this house? The tears have been flowing off and on all day. I will get through this. The garage roof has been replaced, the yard has been overhauled, and I have someone lined up to build new porch steps for the side porch. My task is to go through the house, room by room, and make sure that it is "show ready".

We moved into this house 15 years ago on June 1st. This is the longest in my entire life that I have lived anywhere. Later this month, my 33rd wedding anniversary will pass unnoticed by anyone but me. That's because the civil divorce went through on Halloween of this past year - 32 years and holding. However, in the eyes of the Church, we have a sacramental marriage which "no man can put asunder". Truth be known, that man will always have my heart and soul and I have to be quiet about it. He doesn't want to hear it and neither do my family members who think I should be "picking myself up by the bootstraps and getting on with my life".

My solution: Move. Move far, far away. Go someplace where no one knows me. Initially, I have to spend time back in the place of my childhood until my house sells due to finances but, once the house sells, I am going to invest in my retirement home and move farther south. I'm going to land close to a couple of my siblings so that I will have some resources but I am going to choose my own space. I need a new "safe place". I don't have one right now and I think that adds to my emotional upheaval.

What am I looking for? Warmth - but I'm not a beach person - I like forests. I enjoy smaller towns where I can easily get into a larger city when needed. I would like a little bit of land where I can have a couple of chickens to lay fresh eggs and space for a garden. Ah, yes - there has to be a Catholic church in the community so that I don't have to travel far for mass. Jack would like a fenced-in back yard. I'm not asking for much - you think? *heavy sigh*

Moving Forward with Unexpected Help

I've really had to walk through a deep valley of tears here. However, when things were looking their absolute worst, I broke down and called my "enemy" and practically begged for help. And, you know what? He said yes. I was even willing to "make a deal" and I didn't even have to go that far. So, I now have the money that I need to make repairs on the house to get it ready for the market. (Yeah, I couldn't get a loan on my own - I lost my job, my credit cards, and credit scores - amazing what unemployment combined with a divorce can do to you). The contractor came today - just waiting for that estimate so I know what other projects I can afford to tackle.

In the meantime, I've been boxing things up, scrubbing, re-arranging, cleaning out closets, etc., etc., etc. I have purchased paint for one of the bathrooms (have to get rid of the wallpaper first!) and I have plans to build some new porch steps. Just can't swing painting the house but I will plant flowers again and re-gain some curb appeal.

Now, as for my soul, it's nice to be where I'm comfortable going to confession and to have a priest who knows my pain, views me as a friend, and will hug me. (I don't get hugs anywhere else since my children and grandchildren aren't around). We also have an "adoration" chapel - where one can always go and sit in the presence of Our Lord. (You see, I tend to only go out when it's dark and I won't encounter anyone).

I think I've mentioned this before but my days are filled with Korean music - cranked to the fullest. I'm making new memories - enjoying songs from the dramas that I enjoy or by the actors within those dramas - nothing that has any ties to the past. In the evenings, I'll take the time to watch some episodes or to work on learning the language. Maybe it's a form of escape but it's a way of creating something new. My nightmares have subsided. Yes, it is still very difficult to go to sleep - even with my meds - but I have a playlist of over 100 songs now that I just put on and they continue all through the night. Quite indescribable as to how delightful it is to me to wake up and to think, "Oh, that's Lee Jun Gi or Kim Jae Joong or Hyun Bin singing right now." They have such beautiful voices and, since I can't understand all of the words, that's what I hear - their beautiful voices. There are about a dozen Korean actors whom I enjoy tremendously - maybe more now - a few of them are so cute that I just want to adopt them as sons and the others, well, they are just downright gorgeous men. (I've always liked tall, dark, and handsome - regardless of ethnicity).

Kim Jae Joong singing For You

First Steps of the Journey

This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life: I have to get the house that I love ready to put on the market and sell it. Then I am going to move far, far away.

I don't have a new job taking me anywhere. I simply can't live here anymore. It isn't healthy for me - nor is it my "safe" place to be. Since I've been back, I've experienced one full-blown migraine and two full-blown panic attacks. Memories assail me from every angle. I am simply on sensory overload. How am I coping with this? I am cranking up my Korean music playlist and singing along - off-key and in the worst accent ever! Comical? - I am sure that I would embarrass my children to no end! But that helps me to breathe - and to move forward. When that doesn't work, I break down and cry - and pray. I WILL get through this - I MUST move forward. 

Tasks? Ah, you should see me! I am going to re-place the kitchen faucet, take down the bathroom wallpaper and paint, build some porch steps, plant flowers, re-arrange the attic, pack boxes, and clean! I have confidence that I can do what needs to be done - it's just a matter of determination.

Now, if I could just move a little faster, Lord?

Re-shaping myself and my world

It's been a long journey and I'm still traveling. So, this blog will be the record of my travels as I begin this next phase of my life. I've always found that I become stronger when I learn. That's something that I can measure and that I am typically good at doing. I don't want to focus on the past - however, it will probably creep into some of my posts as I explain myself - but I want to look ahead and, hopefully, become a better me.

I am on a path that I never wanted to be on - but I can't change it - so I can only "soldier on"and make the best of my situation. Many of us find ourselves on paths that we don't want to be on in life so I am not unique in that sense. I have to trust that God will help me through it. I don't believe that this is where He wanted me to be - but there is that awful thing known as "free will"- so, I just have to trust that He will help me make the best of my situation if I listen, and learn.

So what is on my lesson plan?

1) Deepen my faith - I've become a Benedictine oblate novice

2) A new language - Korean (plus I'm brushing up on my Spanish and Russian)

3) Biology - always learning more in my field

4) Literature - continually reading, reading, reading.


Follow along with me as I record where this pilgrimage leads me. I'm sure that I will have good days and bad days, setbacks and achievements, but I will always have many blessings to hold onto when all else seems bleak.