Distinguishing between penance and counsel

After an angst-filled night and day following confession with a new young priest, I have prayerfully received my own answer.

I cannot follow his counsel. I've already done my penance. I'm grateful that most of my confession was received as "human emotions" - normal ones, at that. After years of being told that you are the "crazy one", it is always best to have complete strangers deliver a different perspective or "barometer" and tell you that you are experiencing perfectly normal reactions and emotions.

Back to his counsel. It totally tore me apart all last night. I truly believe that God spoke to me and reminded me that young priest is also "human" - experiencing his own normal emotions. He, too, is a product of a divorced household. And, he just spent a week with his mom - back in his old neighborhood, getting the old house on the market to sell. I'm sure he just walked down his own "memory lane". My situation and emotions certainly must have stirred up his own. I can't take his counsel.

He wants me to take the route of self-preservation. I truly appreciate that, I do. But my children are so much more important to me. And it's not just that I detest confrontation (which I really do), but I also believe in doing whatever I can to make my children happy. I am a mom first and foremost. That is the most important role I've been given in this life.

Maybe that's where I lost my husband. There were times when I did put our children first. Why? I wasn't being disrespectful to him - they were God's gifts to us and they required me more at those times. After all, he was the adult and the dad. They were my babies and always will be. (One thing I did learn as a product of divorce - my mother always took the side of her husbands and never, ever protected her children in the process. In my head, I know that she was doing what she was taught/raised to do, but I was truly hurt/damaged by that oversight - and, years later, I realize how deeply my brother was hurt by that also.)

I'm sure that I could never have truly voiced all the pain from the past as I fought to protect my own. But, as I've paced and prayed through this past night and day, the turmoil finally quieted when I realized that I don't have to follow a priest's counsel in the same way that I have to follow the penance. One is handed to me as he stands in his role as Christ - and forgives my failings and sins as a human - while the other comes from his own human emotions and background. He, too, has a similar pain as mine. He was being a "good son" and wanting to protect me as he couldn't protect his own mother as she experienced what I did when his father walked out on his family when he was a teenager. He even stated that he couldn't imagine what my daughters are experiencing at this stage in their lives. Totally empathetic.

I'm sorry, dear young Father. I have to ignore your counsel. God is telling me that my instincts as a mom are so much more important. It feels like I am breaking some kind of "rule" going against your counsel but I am old enough to be your mom. In fact, that's why I think you gave me the counsel that you did. Truly, it was enough for you to tell me that I'm not "crazy" - that I'm "normal". Thank you for that. I think this is just another one of my crosses as I follow St. Helena along her path.

And so... my epiphany...

The paperwork has been completed. Later this morning - yes, okay, I haven't been to bed yet....my realtor will return to the house and take photos and measurements. The house is finally, finally, finally going on the market.

So, I had a former student question me just a little while ago, "are you happy?" Am I happy? I had to tell him no, I'm not happy. How can I be happy - to feel forced out of the house that I loved? However, I could tell him that I am looking forward - and asked him if that counted? He told me that yes, that was still a good thing.

I am looking forward - a new adventure, a new home, a new community - as I "escape" from here. I'm not doing well with the fact that my husband has applied for that marriage license, or the fact that he has started taking her to vacation spots that hold great significance to the two of us, and I told my former student that if he follows through with the marriage, then he is just compounding his sin and damning his soul. That makes me sad. He asked me how? And I explained what it meant to have a valid, sacramental marriage - one where the vows can only be broken through the death of one spouse. Then he asked if my husband was still Catholic? And I told him that since he still attends Church and cantors, that at some level he must still consider himself to be Catholic. My student acknowledged that assessment.

The next question was interesting. My student asked if he was damned for not being Catholic?  I told him no - that was between him and God. (He comes from a Nazarene background and can no longer accept all of the fundamentalist views - he even went to "confession" with an Episcopal priest friend of his after one gut-wrenching discussion we had one night).  I went on to explain that my husband had full knowledge of his sins and could be cleansed by going to confession and giving up on his relationship with that girl. Then my student stated that he had such a difficult time with religion because of having to follow rules.

Here's my epiphany: I told him that it wasn't difficult for me because I was more in love with Jesus than I ever was in love with my husband. (When did I reach that point in my life? Did I always feel that way? From my tea parties with Jesus as a toddler? Is this why confession has become easy for me now when it once tortured me? Was it something that was re-kindled because I've had to rely on following St. Helena's path on searching for the Cross? I don't know - but I truly meant it.)   Plus, I told him that God was filling that void for me with my children and my grandchildren. The Holy Spirit had already spoken to me about that while I was in Pennsylvania for Gabriel's first birthday.  As I explained that to him, I felt such a peace flood through my entire being. Such a beautiful confirmation that I am truly a child of God. He will take care of me.

I truly don't believe that this is the path He had chosen for me either - darn that free will! Other people's choices can certainly affect you. God is just helping me pull it all back together.

My "Korean" obsession - explaining myself - somewhat

Hyun Bin

Park Shi Hoo

Lee Min Ho

These are my top three favorite Korean actors - in no particular order. I don't care what they are in - Korean drama or movie, I will watch it and I will enjoy it. Not only that, I will go back and re-watch scenes just so I can see them again and again. Why? Because they bring happiness to my world. In a world that no longer harbors romance or passion, I do have to go to my books or my shows. When my husband walked out of my world, every dream was haunted by him. I fought going to sleep because he would meet me there in my dreams and I would wake up sadder and more distraught than I had been before because they were so very real.  I was experiencing 4-5 migraines per week. My neurologist was trying his best to get me to rest and I told him that I had no desire to ever sleep again. "To sleep, perchance to dream". It reminded me of that old MASH episode where everyone chose to grab another cup of coffee so they wouldn't have to dream their dreams.

Then, I discovered Korean dramas. I've always loved Asian men. My college roommate can tell you that I used to rave to her about how they were the most beautiful men in the world. In fact, the first person who ever proposed to me was half Korean/half Japanese and I dated him during my college days. Why didn't I accept his proposal? Because he asked me to be his first wife. Yes, I took offense at that. I honestly don't know if he ever married. I can't find out any information about him but that wouldn't change anything anyway.  Back to my story.

What happened when I discovered Asian dramas? I stopped dreaming about my husband. I transported to another world. The music didn't remind me of him. The language didn't either. It awakened in me a desire to learn again. A desire to learn a new language, find out about another culture, a desire to try new foods, and to pass that knowledge on to my grandchildren (who share that heritage).  The nightmares stopped. The migraines stopped. I could sleep through the night while listening to "K-Pop". I still can't listen to the old songs - they make me cry. Maybe someday I will be able to do that again. For now, this is my way to mend. It's the only way that I can cope. Turn towards my faith and fill my world with new knowledge. Look towards the future and fill my dreams with stories that I don't link with my husband at all. I think of him as being a "prodigal" husband. 

Do I ever expect him to return "home" again? Not to me. But I hope he doesn't continue to turn his back on Christ. I pray for that. However, every time I see posts on face book regarding the wonderful husbands, the celebration of anniversaries, etc., I get extremely cynical and sad. That was me. I was perfectly happy and I thought that I would be married forever to the man of my dreams. Now, I'm replacing him with these gorgeous men and their adventures. 

Thank you God for helping me out. I'm climbing out of my depression and getting better every day. So, if you happen to see a post on my facebook regarding a K-Pop song, or photos of my favorite actors or singers, it's just me, fighting back. I've had a rough day and I'm putting some joy back into my life because I can't plaster photos of my grandbabies all over facebook. Kamsahamnida.

The Cruelest Blow

So, my husband has applied for a marriage license. It doesn't matter when he actually makes use of it. The fact is - he is in a relationship - just not with me.

The cruelest blow is that for the rest of my life I cannot be in a relationship with another man. Why? Because I will still be married. It doesn't matter that the Church says it - it matters that I also believe it. Deep down in my very being, to the depths of my soul - "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder". I underlined that passage when I was a child and my father left my mother.  I felt then that a great sin was being committed and I was raised Presbyterian, not Catholic.

People seem to forget that I am a very "touchy, feely" kind-of person. I like romance and I like physical touch. My husband used to be very attentive in those areas - that's one reason I fell in love with him to begin with and I thought we were happy for so many years. He even said that he was happy for the first 27 years of our marriage while I thought it was more like 30....

Now, he has taken everything away. Not only do I have to grieve over the "death" of our marriage but I have to grieve over the fact that I will never have another relationship again. In essence, I have been celibate now for several years and that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. It was different when I was a young girl and I was looking towards the future and waiting for a husband - now, I just feel tossed aside. I was always more passionate than he was - yet,.....

Okay, God, I guess you really are trying to turn me into a saint here. St. Helena and Our Holy Mother Mary have become my role models. Pray for me.

I have....Goals!

Wow! Life is finally getting back on track.  I have been in the dark valley for so long that it is nice to be coming back out into the sunlight! It feels as though I have a future to look forward to and plans to make.

Things I accomplished today:

I had an incredible Math class with my online students. They are so eager to learn and happy when they understand - and thankful! They think that I am the "best" math teacher ever! And, it isn't just with that one class - I have seven more classes that I am just as thankful to be teaching. I didn't think that I ever wanted to teach again after that last year in school when I was so bullied by the administration and was suffering through so much stress both personally and professionally that I had to take a medical leave of absence.  Now, I am re-discovering the joy that I always had in working with "my" students.

Three wonderful friends, who are as dear to me as my own family, came over and helped me take care of things in the house, yard, garage, and driveway so that I could start preparing, once again, to get this house on the market. It was halted due to the garage fire and SO many things had to be stored back in the house and on the back porch! Now, it is manageable once again and I can look forward to getting this house signed with the realtor by this weekend.

At the end of last week, I was able to return to designing and making rosaries. I completed one in time to send it to an event for my daughter. She texted me this evening to let me know a description of the person who had "won" my rosary. My hands no longer hurt to the point of being unable to work on this craft. Wonderful news!

I think that I have found my house and my neighborhood in the community that I want to move to after I sell this house. My big brother is going to check them out for me. It is great to be able to visualize myself in a new place!

In addition, I have been able to return to my old familiar schedule at Mass - even attending adult education! My church family is rallying around me - supporting me, letting me know that they missed me, and even "protecting" me.

 This summer, with my husband bringing his overseas girlfriend to town, was an extremely hurtful time for me which God filled with family times for me. He also reminded me that I can do this - I can live without a man in my life because I have all the love that I need through Him and with my children and grandchildren - and the rest of my family and friends.

He even sent, for a short while, a male friend to tell me that I was beautiful.  But, sadly, I can no longer even look upon my husband. He doesn't make me fall apart anymore but he killed something deep inside and I cannot bear to be around him.  I guess that is part of God's plan in preparing me to move out of my home. I no longer want to be here. Period. Time to move on. Jack, Honey, and I are ready to go.

I have my job to do, trips to plan, children and grandchildren to enjoy, and languages to learn! Life is definitely not over - I am starting anew.

Kid Lessons - Pay Attention to the Details

Pay Attention to the Details

This is more of a learning lesson for me as a mom. When you have three children, whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a working mom, your time is no longer your own. It is devoted to making sure that your household runs smoothly, that your husband has what he needs to do his job properly, that your children have what they need to either go to school or be at home with you, and you put yourself last. You don't really think about that - that's fodder for an entirely different blog post - but you also forget to slow down and pay attention to the little details regarding each child.

Everyone jokes about how the middle child is over-looked. Honestly, you try not to do it. It could be for so many different reasons. There was a period in life (very early on) when she was my "difficult" child. You know that joke that every midwestern state has about the weather forecast? Wait fifteen minutes and it will change? Well, your children are like that. You never know which one - on any given day - is going to be the easiest one to get along with or the most difficult to handle. Wait fifteen minutes - it will change. Breathe.

Eventually, my middle daughter settled into the role of peacemaker between her two sisters. The oldest had a very strong individualistic presence - easily settling into that role of firstborn - and her father and I always said that it would take a unique personality to hold her own following her. Fortunately, her sister has held her own just fine. And the youngest - well, I think of that old dinosaur show where the baby dinosaur says, "I'm the baby - gotta love me!". She is truly unique and precious in her own way but she has a double-wide stubborn streak (got that one from both parents!). So, yes, the middle child who happens to be a peacemaker can be overlooked.

So much so that you don't start putting two plus two together properly. We were living in a small-town in Illinois, twenty minutes from the Wisconsin border, in an absolutely "dream" neighborhood. All the kids played in each other's yards and the moms and dads watched out for each other's children.

One night, we had a telescope out and were star-gazing. I don't remember what their Daddy was trying to show the girls but I do remember that no matter what we pointed out, my middle just couldn't see it. We thought she wasn't looking hard enough. Exasperated, we gave up on trying to point things out to her in the night sky.

Again, on a trip back from the closest large city, we passed field after field of cows. Suddenly, the oldest pointed out deer on the side of the road! (Being midwesterners, we had already experienced what deer by the side of the road can really mean so I wasn't thrilled, but the girls were). However, again, our middle child was left asking where? By then, she had missed seeing the deer. She was upset and she was met with comments like you just have to pay more attention.

I know, you as a reader are already yelling at me, asking me about the obvious. Well, it wasn't obvious. She was having no problems in school. Nothing that stood out when we watched things at home. However, one day, we were traveling that stretch from the city again. The girls were playing a game and naming things that they saw. Their daddy was driving so I had the luxury of being able to play along. Suddenly it clicked. My sweet middle child didn't SEE the brown jersey cow in one field nor the black angus cattle in another!

So I scheduled her for an eye exam. Yes, she needed glasses. Yes, she was near-sighted. Not a big deal. Oh my! It was a big deal! The day we came home with her wearing her new glasses, she went out to play in the backyard, looked up at the tree and exclaimed with delight! She, in her entire life, had never seen the detail of individual leaves up in a tree! She had only seen it as a "whole" that dropped individual bits. Wow, that day, we went for a walk - looking at the world with her "new" eyes. (Yes, I also cried later that I had deprived her of that beauty for so long). I will never forget how she "saw" that tree for the very first time, after living there for months, and through several seasons. It taught me to step back, look at my daughters more closely, and to show them the "details" in life. Be observant. You might miss something REALLY important or REALLY beautiful, like being able to see not just the leaves in the tree, but the caterpillars that are crawling on those leaves.

Kid Lessons 2

Rough day....rough week

Okay, okay. I've had some good moments this week. But I'm feeling miserable today. Not just emotionally - but physically. And you know how it is, if you don't feel well, then your emotional health starts going downhill also.

Really, I'd love to crawl back into bed today. "Do over"! I want a "do over"! Let me wake up from my dream and start this day over - without feeling this miserable. I started off on such a good note before bedtime also. Well, kind of....I was starting to feel badly then but I received a distress message on Facebook from an old college acquaintance. Her mother is in hospice and is in the end stages of her life - the nurse had awakened her to tell her to stay up and be with her mother while she passed. So, she reached out to me via message. Why me, you ask? Because I'm Catholic and I pray. Simply that. It's funny - she doesn't remember me from college days but I remember her (I've always been that way - easy to forget). She friended me one day because we have a "mutual" friend and she noticed that we are both Catholic, tend to think alike, went to the same college, and she liked one of my prayers.

Anyway, I immediately went to our Blessed Sacrament Chapel that is open 24/7, lit a candle, and prayed the rosary for her mom. The result: her mother is breathing much better. She slept easily through the night. Me, I was praying that Our Mother Mary would wrap her loving arms around her and lead her to her son Jesus. Instead, my friend's sister climbed up in bed with their mom, wrapped her arms around her, and fell asleep, while my friend watched over them throughout the night and the nurse was amazed at how their mom's heartbeat and breathing grew stronger. I got home well after midnight and then couldn't sleep.

Woke up to my illness - and a distress call from a couple of former students. I won't go into all of that. I'm still not feeling well. Afraid to move. I feel worse when I move but, suffice it to say, that took up my morning, and I got up at a decent time, honestly.

I have work to do. Work. Again, afraid to move. I can do it online but I really don't feel that well. Calling for that "do over", please! It's difficult to think - and that's what I need to be able to do.

Here's our chapel. If you ever need that special prayer, then I can get there in less than five minutes. I don't mind spending my time with Jesus. Truly, I'm honored to be asked.

My Daughters - C, S & J

Speaking to that last post regarding Depression, I must admit that I had moments where I could not deal with what was happening in my life. After my husband jumped ship, so to speak, as being my support and best friend - where could I turn? Well, Leila, helped bring me back from the depths of that dark night when I didn't follow through with my plan to end my life (and believe me, I still message her frequently!). But I needed someone who was around physically. (and I am speaking about someone besides my counselor - I highly recommend going to a counselor for someone like me!).

Something happened at school one day - actually, I made it in to school and then my close friend, M, took me to the front office and told them to find a substitute for me. At that time, the principal was still on my side and he agreed. I couldn't return home that day so it must have had to do with discovering something about my husband's overseas girlfriend/s. M suggested that I go to my middle daughter at IU. My two younger daughters were there but I only contacted S and I distinctly remember going to see her at the apartment that she shared with her girlfriend and she cuddled with me on her bed as I sobbed my heart out.

There have been many times now that I have relied on the strength of my daughters. I am so grateful that they have grown up to be such strong, faith-filled young women. I feel guilty when I turn to them - shouldn't I be the support for them? However, as much as I love my sisters, my daughters understand me more. Somehow, it seems as though I have lost my world at times because my husband truly was my best friend through all these years. I don't expect my daughters to become my best friends - just as I don't plan on being my mother's best friend and confidant - but I am forever grateful to them for the relationship that they have with one another and with me and that I can now go to them for advice.  Their husbands have even stepped into the "son" role without a sideways glance, it seems. They meet me with open arms (and that beer even - when needed!).

O Captain, My Captain

O Captain, My Captain

I suppose that after such a wonderful weekend with family celebrating my grandson's first birthday, it is only natural that this week is focused on the loss of Robin Williams due to his suicide.

Many people are speaking towards his depression, his battle with alcoholism and drugs, and the "selfishness" of it all. * Spoiler Alert* A Robin Williams movie that my family has "loved" is What Dreams May Come. Speaking towards the love, where Christy (Robin) actually goes into Hell to bring back his wife (a suicide). What love between man and wife is displayed in this movie - I thought I had that. Instead, when I was suicidal, my husband left me in those depths (and I later accused him of wanting me to go through with it to make his life easier - he had no response - because, of course, it would have paved a clear path for him). Instead, I was saved by God's grace and a friend in Arizona - whom I have yet to meet in person - but I dearly love. She reached out and "took my hand" - truly giving me that Life-line - when I needed it most. When you are in the depths of depression, there is no "selfishness" in your thoughts. You have become so small that you feel that no one will truly miss you - in fact, they will be better off without you. That's when you need people to tell you how important you are to them.

I continue to fight my demons of clinical depression, post traumatic stress disorder, and panic attacks/severe anxiety disorder. However, I have made a promise to my children: I will not leave them. God reached through to me in my depths and He brought me Leila. Thank you, my dear friend.

Robin, I am so sorry that you did not hear God's voice - or have that friend. I will miss you - you took a part of my heart from the moment you entered my world as Mork during my college years.

Things are looking up?

For me, this picture says it all and the most gorgeous man in the world, in my humble opinion, is wearing the shirt (2 birds with one stone). :)

Anyway, so, my help comes from four very special people in my life. Thanks to them, I will be able to take care of my tax debt and travel safely next week. Also, the garage repairs will begin on Monday - meaning the house can go on the market in August!

In addition, I will be employed once again officially in August. My preparations for classes begin this weekend with an official meeting with my department head next week also.

The new month brings about new beginnings. new schedules. new focus. Plenty for me to look forward to - preparations, celebrations, family, joy. Breaking away from the cycle of clinical depression with the gifts of family and friends whom God has given to me. Thank you, Lord.

Sidenote: the realization in the wee hours of this morning - before I went to bed - that I am beginning to think in short phrases - simple words - in Korean. Breakthrough.