Musings

In order to keep my depression in check, I moved. Apparently not far enough away for me. The best I can do is "act"  once again. I am good at that. Another knife in my heart today.

Pretend I don't care - pretend all is well.

Someday I will be strong again - or was I ever?

Still...

I know, I've used this video before but this is how I still feel. The more I watch the coverage on the World Meeting of Families, the more depressed I become. My dream: to grow old together, travel, enjoy our grandbabies, live on a compound with our best friends, and it's shattered - all shattered. I do not know how everything snowballed like that - I have an entire list of should haves - including been strong enough to put up a bigger fight to save our family. Mianhae, mianhamnida .....

Maybe I should just return home and spend my last days in that house - as I had originally intended. Passing of time and change of place are doing nothing to heal my wounds.

You Are Mine

What an experience at Mass today! I was definitely being critical in my assessment of the service: music was okay (not as beautiful as at the other place), didn't recite the full confession (which I love), but the sermon was a Biblical history lesson - I was enthralled. Then the next song:

The tears just started flowing. I felt as though I was "home".

Jesus is here in the sanctuary - and St. Theresa of the Little Flower is over to the right. Then I went back to the back of the church and look what I saw:

 Our Lady of Guadalupe

And St. Joseph

I lit a candle and prayed for all of my babies and grandbabies.

The Knights of Columbus were not in regalia but they served as the acolytes and as the extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion while the Monsignor and the Parochial Vicar distributed the "body of Christ".   

Breakfast was served in the Parish Hall. Good cup of coffee. I went back to the church and discovered that there was a Holy Water dispenser. I walked back to the car, enjoying the little garden areas: one with Jesus and the sacred heart and the other with St. Francis, and returned with an empty water bottle and brought home some Holy Water for my little font by the door. 

Oh, it was also Monsignor's 70th birthday: they sang to him at the end of Mass and brought him a cake (which was served at the breakfast). 

I felt so at home and at peace. This is a place where I can heal. 

                                                                                                                                                  

New adventures of Binnie, Helena and me!

 Binnie <3 

Helena is a Garmin Nuvi55. Her voice is quite comforting as she directs me around my new area. Just like St. Helena, she is showing me the way. Jack, Honey and I are having new adventures here at the apartment while Binnie and Helena are teaching me how to explore. Three weeks ago today, I unloaded the Penske truck. I have my moments where I wonder if I should pack up and go back to Indiana but I don't think that going backwards would help me out. 

Stepping out in faith. 

This is my way of the cross. 

Hyun Bin ssi - the "real" Binnie singing Dream in My Heart

                       

Farewells

Strangest dreams last night

They were all about farewells. It was truly sad. My best friends threw a huge celebration and it just so happened that I was going to be leaving. I spent my time during the party wandering through and saying goodbye.

Then, he showed up with HER. Was totally surprised when he was asked to leave.

More goodbyes but I kept searching for one person and I never found him before I had to leave.

Woke up feeling very, very sad.

First song that played in my car this morning: without u by 2PM "I'm gonna get stronger..."

The Adventures of Honey, Jack, and me....

Okay, so that was going to be the original title of this blog. These past two weeks have been quite an adventure for the three of us!

Two weeks ago today: Fr. blessed me for my upcoming journey.

The following Wednesday: I picked up the rental truck and had two separate sets of movers show up to load the piano and then my furniture/items for a 1 bedroom apartment.

Thursday: departure for Boston/Natick. Took me two days: total of 20 hours. Arrived at my oldest daughter's home. Enjoyed a whirlwind weekend with my two oldest daughters, my sons-in-law, and my five grandbabies - and enjoyed two different parties! :) (they have such delightful friends!)

Last Sunday, celebrated Mass at St. Linus, visited my first H-Mart, and got on the road again! Pulled into my final destination in South Carolina late Monday night (after another 20 hours) and showed up at my new apartment complex first thing in the morning - got the apartment keys, movers arrived and unloaded, Big Bro helped with Jack, the internet/TV guy arrived, returned the truck, picked up a rental car, and that was just the first day!

Wednesday, I spent my time exploring the area, had a local cashier recommend a particular school district, came back and applied and:

Had an interview on Thursday and was offered a job on Friday afternoon! I start work tomorrow! And, yes, I found a teaching position - I don't have to work in retail for now.

Today, I found my new parish and celebrated Mass. Jesus is there in the Church - not removed out of sight in another area - he's right there and it looks like there is a little chapel on the other side? Also, there is a pipe organ and they are beginning a bell choir! Oh my - how I loved the bell choir at the Presbyterian Church that I was baptized in (and where my aunt was the organist! it was my grandmother's job first...). I picked up the registration packet and brought it back.

Next, get another car. I've got the rental at the moment but, now that I have a job, I need to see if I can obtain the financing for either a lease or a used car. On the agenda for this week!

Meanwhile, back home in Indiana, my best friends have been working like Trojans to spruce up my house and my yard so that it sells sooner. There is actually a showing tomorrow!

How is Jack doing? Well, this has been tough on him. Definitely, he is better off by being by my side. He still isn't eating regularly and the crate isn't the best solution for him when I leave the apartment. I have installed tall pet gates at either end of the kitchen - ah, yesterday, he somehow busted through one of the gates and threw his food all over the kitchen floor. I locked him back in there until he ate all the food that he had strewn on the floor. He did that immediately - he knew!!! Proof that he knows what he is doing, when I let him out last night, this is where he ended up:

So, my new start begins! Welcome to my ongoing adventure..................................

Time forgets

This video / song has been in my playlist for awhile but I finally was able to read all the words in English. So apropos.

As I prepare to make this giant step of heading to a new place, a new adventure, trusting in God, I cannot help but be haunted by all of my memories.

It hit me hard yesterday when I finally told him that I was leaving. We had one of those normal, civil conversations about our children, moving the piano into the house and the history of it, and what to do about the financial situations that still connect us. I told him that he could reach me at my brother's if he needed and he seemed to dismiss that information quite easily. I seemed so calm and collected and I realized that I was falling for his charm all over again.  Focus, remember what is actually going on (even though he has not imparted any of that information), and let go. Can I say this? I hope that I never have to see him again in my lifetime.

I know in my head that there are future events that we must attend together - I just don't feel as though I can handle it in my heart. It's becoming deadened. I can feel it every time I see him. Close it off, don't think, don't feel, don't say anything about your true feelings. Ah, I've had to be an actress all my life. Here I go again. Breathe, just breathe. Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

I "need" my Grammie...

For the first time in my life, I feel as though I truly "need" my Grammie. There is absolutely no one around me who understands and feels what I am feeling.

Where are the Catholics who feel as though their marriages were sacramental? Absolutely everyone who is divorced and Catholic who I have spoken/communicated with seems to believe that an annulment and someone else is in their future. My mind is blown. My heart is hurting.

The only person that seems to come close to my way of thinking is my Grammie and she passed away about a dozen years ago now. We were never close. She scared me. However, we did have some rare moments that are fresh in my memory as though they were yesterday.

So, back in my senior year of Grinnell,  I asked my Grammie why she had never dated/re-married after Granddaddy had passed away. Her response was classic: "When you've already had the best, you don't look for anyone else". She was close to 60 when he died so suddenly. And she returned to a career in nursing.

Where is someone who believes truly in their vows? Where is someone who felt that they had a sacramental marriage? (Don't point out the ones who are still married).  My grandmother was a staunch Presbyterian but she believed so strongly in her vows that she always commemorated their wedding anniversary - even 40+ years after Granddaddy was gone. And she truly believed that he was waiting for her.

Why does no one else understand that I took vows that I cannot break? That I was already married to the love of my life? That I am not looking towards another man in my future - ever. Yes, I truly miss experiencing that love and companionship but a promise is a promise is a promise - and vows are so much stronger than that! They are made in accord with God himself. You aren't just breaking a promise to your spouse but to God as well! Does no one else get this? Why is everyone looking for a "loophole"????? Because it's easier???

Yes, I "fangirl" - that doesn't mean one bit that I am looking for anyone else. I've always had "stars" that I admired and followed - I just can't follow any of the "conventional" ones anymore because they all remind me of my husband - all the music, concerts, movies, shows that we shared. Doesn't anyone else get that all of those reminders hurt????  I am doing the absolute best that I can to look "forward". I don't fantasize about others - I never did - much to the distaste of my husband - for I never wanted to "role play" (I know, TMI but true story). Why? Because I had all that I needed with him. He made my nightmares go away - and he brought them back again.

One stupid piece of paper - and legal "decree" - doesn't break the vows and the bonds that are made before God. He is still my husband - whether or not he wants to believe it, act it, etc. And all that he does still hurts me tremendously. It cuts my soul like a knife every time I see him, talk to him, think of him. Breathe, just breathe. Concentrate. Learn something new. Act as if all is well. Pray, pray hard. Saint Helena, pray for me. Help me find a way to carry my cross - and do it well.

Storms

Today is the 35th anniversary of when I met my husband.

Thankfully, it is also the feast day of St. Benedict. So, I spent the last hour and a half of the day with Jesus (at the Adoration Chapel). I noticed it was beginning to sprinkle when I left the church parking lot - now it is a full-blown storm. This is another one of those times when I feel as though God is crying with me.

This is the time in my life where I need to think monastically. How can I live the Benedictine rule? Are my dreams and desires in alignment with God's will? Where do I go from here?

Good thing I napped earlier in the evening. Not sleeping anytime soon with all this thunder and lightning.

The second shoe - it dropped!

So I grew up with kind of a saying in my household: "waiting for the second shoe to drop". Apparently, my great-grandfather had a way of letting my mother know that her "company" was staying too late - he would be upstairs and drop a shoe....that was a warning and so my mother would hurry up to shoo off her company before the second shoe dropped (because that wasn't going to be good!). It had that meaning in our household, that even if something good had happened, there was that anticipation that the second shoe was going to drop (and it wasn't something you wanted to hear!).

Over the past several years, I have been "trained" to expect that "second shoe" whenever he is being extremely nice to me. It's a total set-up. I fall for it every time, even when I know it's coming, and then he drops the second shoe. Today, that second shoe dropped once again. I was fully anticipating it but it came with a curve ball. She has been "in country" since he bought the new house - living with him. Furthermore,  "she" is both people that I had accused her of being - having at least three different Facebook names when I first discovered all of "them". Of course, he denied it at the time and he was furious that I had offended her by sending her a message to leave my husband alone. He told me that she wasn't the same person. (Can't even express how much it hurt to have my husband defend his "honeys" from his wife of 30 years). I have someone now who can point to that picture (attached to that other name) and say "yes, she is definitely the one who was with him on Saturday night".

In addition, he took her to an event that I "almost" went to - it would have been devastating. God made sure that didn't happen by having my baby call me and speak to me for about two hours. I was seriously re-considering my earlier decision of not going out that night (since it was our 34th anniversary and I was having a tough time). So glad that I didn't go.

Breathe. Just breathe. And this is the song I'm hearing in my head: