Journeys....

October 31, 2013: I drove through tornados to St. Meinrad Archabbey to become a Benedictine oblate novice and then returned to my Momma's home in Lexington. Halloween was postponed that year until November 1st. And, several days later, I discovered that my husband was granted a civil divorce from me on his favorite holiday. (But with all the tornados that day, I really felt that God was feeling my pain - even before I knew what was happening).

I spent the year helping my Momma (and my Mom) and attending the Cathedral in the old neighborhood that I had grown up in. Mending. Actually found a job teaching classes online via Kolbe Academy for the following year and then my garage burned down. That took me back to Crawfordsville.

So, August 2014, I began teaching on line and remained in Indiana - very quickly I became ill. I did not discover until after an extended trip during Christmas - and the birth of grandson #2 that my house was making me ill (specifically, my favorite carpet - that's an entirely different story regarding someone locking a feral cat in the house for a week (not deliberately)). I completed my online teaching around the same time as my return to Massachusetts for the birth of my third grandson. (June 2015).

And, then, the last blow: an arrival of someone into my world whom I didn't want to see.

With the help of my family, I packed up a Penske truck, moved to South Carolina and obtained a job three days after moving in. I have spent the last year here - unsettled - not really putting down roots. However, it has been a time where I have felt many times that I just couldn't make it another day and somehow I did. I had time with my big brother and sister-in-law that has truly been comforting and fun. (Yes, I would choose to hang with them as friends - not just because they are family - who knew???)

Everyone close to me should know that I love seeing symbolism (meaning) in many things surrounding me. I felt last night that the graduation ceremony was a fitting end to my career as a high school teacher - I loved the fact that the entire senior class and most of the auditorium sang the Alma Mater a cappella! (It was off key (yes, I always sing off key but I can hear it!) but it was beautiful).

Also, yesterday, before I left for graduation, I finally saw why I haven't seen the one female mallard on our pond lately - she was swimming with ducklings!

Side note: (Boston: the first thing that I wanted to see (as a tourist) was the swan boats and the Make Way for Ducklings statue in the Public Gardens. My children had sent me photos first but I finally got to go there with my children and first grandbaby. I have loved that book since I was a very little girl and my parents brought it back to us after they went to visit friends (which determined my father's future path as a doctor). ) This morning, she marched 13 little ducklings from the front of my building to the pond - Jack and I just stood and "made way for the ducklings". She looked so beautiful and proud as she marched along with her chest thrust forward and quietly quacked orders to her little brood.

My next journey will be the pathway back to the Boston area and to "my" ducklings:

I'm breaking....

17 days is 17 days too many. I cannot handle the behaviors in my classes - escalating out of control. Finally, finally, finally the administration is responding by assigning suspensions (either in or out of school). However, I feel entirely threatened when the student returns to my classroom - angry and demanding why I "gave" them a suspension. I didn't give them anything. I reported inappropriate behaviors and I have no idea at what step they are in the disciplinary process so I don't know what they are going to be assigned.

I do not feel safe. I cannot handle the defiance and rudeness. I cannot quiet the last class of the day. I honestly feel as though I will jump out of that window in that classroom. I assigned homework last night - I received three papers out of thirty.

Truly, truly, truly - I feel as though I am going insane.

Chance Encounters

Omo omo omo I found a chingu!!! She's young, works at LensCrafters, and her name is Jennifer.

She was obviously Asian - helping me look at new frames - when we sat down, we quickly eliminated my tray of possibilities (both of us leaning towards the same pair on me). My little "voice" kept nudging me "ask her, ask her". You know what I wanted to know! She's Filipina but, she spent 5 years in Korea while her husband was stationed there! Yes, she reads, writes, and speaks Korean!

And, her favorite Korean actor: Hyun Bin!!! She high-fived me!

I told her that I loved K-dramas, kimchi and bulgogi (she said that are no good Korean restaurants around here but there is one at a gas station - yeah, strange, but one of my colleagues had mentioned that place before because she always eats out). Then, we spoke about K-pop - we both agreed about Super Junior and Rain!! (another high-five!)

She is obviously closer to my daughter's ages but she thought that I was "cute". She said that she has never met a "white" person who likes K-dramas and K-pop - however, she told me there is a black girl that she works with who also loves K-dramas. She suggested that we form a club! I told her that I would love that - I actually got to speak a little Korean with her and she taught me some grammar basics. (along with a new phrase).

Anyway, she will text me when my glasses are ready for pick up. I know I don't have much longer here but maybe I can get the use of one of the rooms at the community center to use a big screen for a Korean movie night??? I haven't felt this excited since I spent that evening with my friends who work here.

Currently, I have two friends via Facebook who also love K-dramas and K-pop but they both live in California -  one is learning Chinese (she watches more Taiwanese dramas) and the other is Filipina (also trying to learn Korean). Oh, and one of my old college friends adopted Chinese daughters so he is raising them with a love for their culture and they are Girls' Generation fans - so he is familiar with some of the K-pop and sometimes shares song links with me - and listens to ones that I post.

So exciting to meet someone who wouldn't mind teaching me some more Korean! Thank you, God, for chance encounters! (God-incidences!).

Headaches and dreams

I awaken from sleep with a raging headache. This happens every now and then, particularly when the dreams seem exceedingly "real".

Who knows what triggers the images that appear in my dreams? I don't write my dreams down (my mother used to keep a dream journal) but so many of my dreams are like nightmares that I don't want them written down to re-hash (if they are particularly upsetting, then they will return). Yes, my mind does re-runs!

So, what was the focus last night/this morning? I was raising children - all children whom I knew and recognized but were not biologically mine. In my dream, my  biological children were all grown up (as they are) but I was raising some of their friends/boyfriends and an additional child who was supposedly one belonging to my husband. I even had a long conversation with her mother about how I was raising/teaching her (and her mother was one of his old girlfriends - from before we got married - and she was in total accord as to how I was raising her child).

I had deep conversations with several people throughout this dream - giving it a very "real" quality. I was checking homework for these children. Their ages weren't lining up with my children's - for example, one former boyfriend of one of my daughter's was younger than her in my dream and I was scolding him for his lack of concern about his grades - doing his work only half-way.

The images are still quite vivid and my head feels as though it is splitting. I am experiencing the tinnitus that accompanies some of my migraines. And, the priest, in his homily today in Mass, mentioned that he saw his old high school teacher who used to buy all kinds of things to help his students learn and thanked him for caring for all of them so much. He realized that his teacher (who was a Brother) didn't earn much of a salary. (That struck a chord!).

You will hear teachers speak all the time about "their" kids. There are students we never forget because of the concerns we had for them or because they were shining lights in our days but once we have taught a child that student will forever be one of "our" kids.

So, why were my babies their rightful ages in this crazy dream? Probably because they have grown up well. They are such beautiful people - shining in the Lord's grace - much better than I ever was or will be. Thank you God for taking my parenting mistakes and redeeming them all for such a beautiful legacy - even reminding me of that in my dreams!

Saturday mornings

After a difficult week at school, Saturday mornings are my time to "re-charge". After taking care of the dog, I spend my time sipping on coffee, scrolling through posts (praying for requests on my feed), and relaxing in my recliner.

Depending on the time of year, sports events may be on in the background. I love college football and basketball seasons! Not only do I enjoy watching and rooting for my teams but I truly enjoy the sports involved. For someone like me, the Olympics are always an exciting series of events that almost keep me glued to the TV.

This is also a time that I use for my own studies: whether it is through reading for knowledge, learning new vocabulary in a foreign language, or even just relaxing with a good novel. What do I study? Well, learning more about theology and apologetics, currently Korean studies and Spanish/Chilean dialect (youtube videos work well sometimes for both), new advances in science: particularly my field of biology but having to pay attention to chemistry and physics due to the courses that I am currently teaching.

Saturdays are also my time for mundane activities: I clean, do laundry, put things away, pay bills, and feel more like a normal person. The week is so focused on lessons, discipline, grading, paperwork, etc., that I don't feel as though I have any time to be "me". I appreciate mass on Sundays but regret that I have not found any nearby parishes with daily masses that I can attend or have adoration chapels where I feel comfortable going in the midst of the night.

Transition: I know that's where I am right now. This too shall pass. I am stuck in a couple of places at the moment. My journeys will continue - everything just hasn't fallen quite into place yet for me to plan specifics. Hopefully, soon.

Plan B

My brother says that you always have to have a Plan B. Obviously, Plan A is not working out well for me so it is time to focus on making the best of Plan A as it unravels while putting together a solid Plan B.

Main Foci in life:
1) Family
2) Faith
3) Learning
4) Work

Yes, work is purely so that I can take care of the other things in my life. Yes, I am an ambitious person to some extent - but I have never had to succeed to the point of being the manager/supervisor/leader. I am perfectly fine being the worker bee - not the Queen.

Why? Because family/people come first. What truly matters in life comes down to relationships and the good that you were able to do for others. God knows that my babies and their families are everything to me. They have kept me going throughout the years. Choices I have made to focus on the family instead of on career -

Every new community meant plugging into the Church, the schools, and the library. Why have I not been following the basics during this latest move? Fear, trepidation, anxiety, depression - all these have taken over my personality. When did I lose my self-confidence? I used to feel as though I was a strong person. It's been years now since I have felt that way.

I have hills and valleys that I experience during my struggles. Sometimes I feel as though I am truly succeeding and then I end up experiencing the lows once again. God is speaking to me (sometimes I tell him that he needs to hit me over the head so that I hear) - but I do need to be able to listen and to follow obediently.  I see how well my babies listen and follow Him and I am reminded of all the years that I spent on my knees placing their welfare in His hands since I couldn't always be there to protect them.

Now, He is clearly telling me that I need to start asking for things for myself. I have neglected myself for too long. What is it that would make me feel more whole? Teaching is no longer a joyful experience - however, I need to count my last days of teaching - not with fear and trepidation - but with doing my absolute best to at least reach the few who are trying to learn so desperately in the environment that they find themselves in. If I can do this, then I can at least bring some hope/learning to those who are receptive.

In addition, I need to look at what will help me grow in my own faith and learning. I have been so inundated in having to learn subjects that are not my field that I have neglected my faith studies and my own quest for knowledge in learning a new language. Those are some of the things that keep me looking forward rather than backward. St. Helena is such a beautiful role model for me - as are many of the saints as I learn more about their lives and their struggles. And, yet, they became saints. Isn't that what we all seek? Not for glory - but to be the workers for our Lord and to make a difference in others' lives along the way?

The readings for the Gospel today deal with the prodigal son. There are two "prodigal" sons in my life. One is my husband (yes, he is still truly my husband regardless of the papers existing of a civil divorce) and the other is a young man whom we took into our lives who decided to disappear.  Both of them have made their choices to "break" family ties. They remain in my prayers. But, I have to remember to focus on those who remain in front of me.

God has blessed me with so much and I need to focus on that part of my life. What gifts do I have that I need to share with others? This is Laetare Sunday - as Isaiah reminds us: "rejoice with joy, you that have been in sorrow". 

I have a true plan B mulling around in my heart and my head. Another move is coming up in my near future - thanks to the love and blessings of my children - but I need to fully prepare for it so that I am not a burden - and am a blessing to them as well. 

Saturdays

Today is a beautifully brilliant bright day. I enjoy warmth - it's a bit chilly at 54 degrees - but this is winter and I could be in a much colder place at this time.

My tasks for the day include: cleaning the kitchen, grading papers, taking care of the dog, and general straightening. I will intersperse this with reading, prayer, relaxing, and either enjoying a K-drama/movie or K-pop.

This is a time of healing. Surviving - the best that I can.

Since my new meds, I can report that I can breathe more easily (I don't feel as though there are bricks weighing down my chest), the panic meds seem to be more effective, and I've noticed that when I work against my tachycardia meds, a migraine ensues. Which means: I feel more normal. The depression never truly leaves but I am not so immersed that I can't function - nor recognize my blessings. Yes, I fear going out and about on my own - but that is an "introvert" thing. I could do it if I absolutely had to do so.

My word for the day: gidaryeo. (Wait (for me)). Learning how to be patient and to wait. Eventually, the house will sell, I will move out of the apartment, I will move forward.

However, this is my song:

Daily Struggles - and Blessings....

It was a tough day at school. However, in the midst of the anxiety, stress, and worries of the day, I was blessed by the actions of several children. 

Near the end of my first class, someone sprayed something in the room that shut down my airway fairly quickly. I immediately had a student raise the back window while I stayed up by my desk. I could feel my strength waning but I didn't want to show much of a reaction when it was almost time for the bell to ring. Apparently, it was evident to a couple of students that I was in distress because one of the girls came up to me and commented that my face was really flushed - she asked if she should call the nurse. I told her that I would be fine - not to worry. As the room emptied, she stayed behind and asked me again if I was okay. I told her that I had some medicine in my closet and she walked with me to make sure that I was fine. She didn't leave until after I had retrieved my inhaler. She told me that she didn't see who had sprayed it - and apologized. What a sweet child! 

During lunch time, three students stopped by to check on me. They were concerned as to whether or not I was okay. I told them that I was doing fine and thanked them for stopping by. (I must have looked as bad as I felt when they had left my class earlier...so much for trying to hide my symptoms). 

After school, I had another student show up for help with his chemistry. He pulled out his phone with a photo of Elvis etched into the back of it and commented that was his favorite singer of all time. I laughed and told him that I was a big Elvis fan but I was surprised that he was. It was his mom's favorite singer - she passed away a few years ago - and they used to sing Elvis songs in the kitchen while she cooked and he did homework. Then I find out that he was adopted - and that he has a 5 year old little brother (also adopted) by his foster parents. This young man shared with me that he is going to enlist in the army, plans to pursue studies in meteorology, and make his mom proud. His mom had to have been a very special person. What a gift I received today!

Gwaenchanhayo

"It's all right/okay" or "Are you all right/okay?" Difference being intonation, of course!

I have thoroughly enjoyed delving into my Korean studies today. No, I didn't binge on watching K-dramas or listening to K-pop. I actually spent time writing/studying Hangul and learning vocabulary.
Waeyo? I don't know if I can even explain it. I have always loved studying etymology/linguistics/languages - my Dad instilled that in me when he started teaching me Spanish when I was only 5 years old. He set up a little classroom area in his "office" and taught me from an old brown book that I think first belonged to my maternal grandmother (a high school Spanish/English teacher).

Over the years, I added German phrases (my German grandmother!), French, Italian, Japanese (something about a Girl Scout badge way back when) - learning polite words in many languages. (Please, thank you, excuse me, you're welcome, etc.). During junior high, I had a social studies teacher who instilled in me my love of Russian history (Miss Hamilton). Then, in high school, I participated in the pen pal program: gaining "friends" in Morocco, Germany, South Africa, Hong Kong, and Ireland. I wish I could say that I am still in contact with all of them - but I am not. I do still have their letters and photos. I wonder if they have mine. I became fairly fluent in Spanish during my high school years, testing out of my foreign language requirement for college, but fully intending to go on to study Russian language during my college years.

I did that - adding linguistics and literature classes to my curriculum. Linguistics class was taught by one of the Russian language professors - and it introduced so much about etymology, different forms of dialects, etc., sparking my love even further. I don't recall the Swahili that we learned during that class but I remember that it was one of the languages we covered. While browsing the college bookstore, I picked up additional books on learning Gaelic and Chinese. I tried teaching myself those languages, too. I don't know why I didn't ask one of my friends on campus to tutor me - maybe because I was so focused on my major in Russian? When I returned to college, I continued with studies in "The Language of Medicine" and learning Signed English. I went on to use the Signed English as a social worker - assisting me with the American Sign Language that some of my clients used.

It is true that if you don't use it, you lose it. I don't speak Spanish or Russian very well anymore - even though I had once achieved a decent level of fluency. I do understand much more than I can speak. It was nice for awhile when I had local friends of Hispanic descent who would force me to use my Spanish once again. One by one, they got transplanted. *sigh* However, I saw my children make good use of the excellent teachers they had in high school and conversing with their Mexican friends.  I am impressed with their talent!

My dad had that talent: learning/speaking/writing in eight different languages. And, yes, he started learning Russian on his own when I was studying it in college! He was raised in a bilingual household: German remaining the language at home until his great-grandmother passed away when he was 12 years old. In addition, my maternal grandfather was fluent in both Spanish/Portuguese and worked for the United Fruit company - flying back and forth between the US and South America in the early 1940s. Oddly, my mother has no ear for language, nor does she seem to have any desire to learn any other languages. When I told her what I was doing today, she remarked "whatever floats your boat" and her tone was very flat. I sense that she doesn't approve at all. I don't think she ever really approved of me learning Russian either come to think of it. My dad is the one who bought me all of the foreign language books....

My daughter inadvertently sparked my interest in Korean by introducing me to K-dramas. The fact that her mother-in-law is also Korean contributes to my desire to welcome/embrace her language/culture into our own. I have always admired Asian men - dated a young man in college who was Korean/Japanese and another who was Chinese - not counting the others whom I had crushes on/friendships with. Then, years later, my best friends happen to be Japanese and Filipino. I was learning some Tagalog until.....I won't go there. Anyway, Korean is phonetic (like Russian!) - now if I could just master memorizing the alphabet! I am on toddler level right now - just basic words/phrases.

Letting go of my past, walking away from teaching, and learning what I want to learn. Gwaenchanhayo!

Receiving my nudges:

I've prayed for guidance and, gently, I am getting little hints and nudges. Today, I officially resigned my position as of June 1st (the end of the school year). That means I'm done with teaching in schools. Maybe I'll tutor, or return to parish religious education in the future, but the passion is gone. I had to turn in a letter of intent first thing this morning - I listed "relocation" as my reason.

What I have learned over the weekend:
1) I wanted a smaller town so that I could drive less - instead, I am driving more. And, there is no public transit system in place that would allow me to not drive to some of the places I need to go. I see accidents every day - something I just don't recall seeing anywhere else.

2) My big bro and his family go out of their way to check on me and get me out - but they are reaching a point where they want to travel more. I don't want to be their third wheel - they truly deserve time exploring things on their own. I love and appreciate all that they are doing with me and I will treasure this time here always.

3) I've enjoyed spending time with my new church friend and her neighbors - they are trying to convince me to move to their neighborhood. Strike #1: it feels as though it is in the midst of the boonies and, during the flood, they were totally cut off. Strike #2: it has a very strict HOA - where people actually report their neighbors because a Christmas wreath on the door is wider than 18 inches across. Strike #3: it's a 55+ neighborhood and it seems like I am hanging out with my mom and her friends (I feel too young even if I'm not).

Maybe I need to head back home when my lease runs out (if the house still hasn't sold by then). I will make that decision when summer-time draws near. For now, I still have a job and an apartment. Time to make some memories here (without being as stressed about everything).  I need to get to the beach - still haven't gotten there!