Welcome to 2019!

Wow! Time flies when you are occupied with so many things!

2019: This is the year that my girls and I are finally going to Ireland (barring any unforeseen plans!). Trying to decide on the must-sees and must-dos and weighing the great suggestions from friends who have been there with the things that have always spoken to my soul (St. Brigid's Shrine/Well and the Book of Kells). Also, trying to coordinate with three busy young women is going to be a bit of a challenge - especially since their littles (and husbands) have to be considered!

Immediate tasks for me:
Setting aside a proper space and time to really work on learning Korean
Making use of clubhouse equipment in working on weight loss
Completing the task of getting things out of boxes, put in proper places, hung on the walls, and actually getting the apartment organized and decorated (truly a lot has already been accomplished but I still am not at the point of feeling settled!)

Next will be figuring out what to do for a part-time income. At this rate, I will have no savings by the end of the year so I need to get serious about committing to either a retail position or tutoring online. My asthma has not been a serious issue but the number of migraines has dramatically increased along with more pain and complications with my knees and hands. I am losing my pincer grip in one hand - when pain hits, I can't hold on to whatever I am currently holding (including a steering wheel).

I have joined a local meet-up group for people who enjoy Korean Language and Culture so I can actually start practicing my speaking ability! I still haven't registered at a parish but I will probably commit to St. Michael the Archangel's soon. PEO has reached out to me but I think the Cary group might be closer to where I live - in addition, I still need to contact the DAR. I only feel comfortable going one place without my Garmin at this point so I need to add in additional time to go exploring. Fortunately, I'm not dealing with snow and ice on the roads but we've had SO much rain!

K-dramas

I almost feel as though I should be blogging about my K-dramas. You see, I really have no one to discuss them with around me. There are a couple of people who are on Facebook but they don't really watch them like I do. I no longer watch American TV shows. So, my evening TV shows are either sports, music, or K-dramas. I usually watch the weekly shows - ones where I have to wait for the next episode but sometimes I don't have a show for that night so I go back and find completed episodes that could easily be binge-watched if I was totally alone (like I was in C'ville).  DramaFever collapsing was a huge blow - not only was it a storage of shows watched and to be watched but it was an accounting of what I had enjoyed. There are some dramas that just aren't available other legitimate places (not going to the malware sites) so I do have a couple of dramas that are on DVD that I could never watch in other outlets. I still need to connect my DVD player in this place. It's not the best - or the smoothest - but it allows me to watch shows that are not formatted for the U.S.

Favorite actors? Hyun Bin will always be at the top of my list but I enjoy many others in their works. Ones who never fail to deliver: Park Shi Hoo, Lee Min Ho, Lee Joon Gi, Lee Sang Yoon, So Ji Sub, Lee Jong Suk, Song Seung Heon, Song Joong Ki, Park Yoochun, Lee Seung Gi, Kim Soo Hyun, and Ji Chang Wook (just to name a few). And then there are music idols who are extremely talented in their acting like Kim Jaejoong, Jung Yong Hwa, Kang Minhyuk, Lee Jonghyun, Lee Jungshin, Ok Taecyeon, Yoon Doojoon, Lee Junho, Lee Joon, etc. Looks like Lee Jong Suk has a new one on Netflix - only three episodes listed for the series so far. Thankfully, Netflix has picked up some quality shows: Mr. Sunshine, Memories of the Alhambra, Black, etc., and dubbed them as Netflix originals. I'm glad that they are seeing the value of Korean dramas and movies now.

Hopefully, I am picking up a lot of Korean phrases as I watch. Once upon a lifetime ago, I wanted to be a Russian translator. I used to have a knack for languages but only seriously studied Spanish and Russian. I have been waitlisted for a Korean language class here but I need to also set aside daily time just to read, write, and study the language. I'm still unpacking, organizing, deciding what to hang on my walls, and now am in full holiday mode: worrying about presents, projects, and Christmas baking. I'm going to try to enlist Little Man #1 in baking some Christmas cookies sometime this next week. We've signed up for my apartment complex's movie theater for next Sunday to enjoy some Christmas movies with the family - hoping to enjoy our own "Christmas Party!".

Coming soon - a list of recommended K-dramas for the beginner! Ones to get you hooked!

Getting settled

Honestly, I've accomplished a lot since I've moved down here (thanks to my daughters and sons-in-law!) but there is still much to do!

I now have all of the furniture that I think that I will need. For once, I don't have books in any boxes - they are all on shelves! (or in my Kindle) That's a rather nice feeling. But what do I do with all of the family photos that I kept? Many are framed but I don't have enough space to display them all. Currently, I have two trunks and several totes full...

I have a small bookcase for the kiddos with games, books, and stuffed animals. My trains are kept in a box in the LR and I am creating a space for Little Miss #3 (which I think Little Miss #4 will be able to enjoy also). In addition to learning Korean, I'm learning how best to help Little Miss #3 and assist with helping her improve her vision (she has a diagnosis of CVI - cognitive visual impairment). I've placed a black mat for her on the floor and have ordered a black flannel board for the wall next to her.

In one of the low kitchen cabinets, I have children's cups, plates and utensils so that the littles can pick out their own items. There are also special place mats for them to use. I found a children's baking set to assist me in the kitchen (after all, sugar cookies are most fun to make with others!) with a smaller kid-sized rolling pin and we have accumulated over two dozen cookie cutters over the past few years! Eventually, we'll get aprons!

Thinking about it, my Grammie did one thing that I really appreciated when we were young: she took each of her grandbabies to the store and let us pick out our own toy to leave in a bin at her house. That way we would each have something special to play with while we were visiting. The rule was that we could also enjoy our cousins' toys when they weren't there but that we had to ask permission to share if they were there with us. This is something that I am considering doing but I know that there is currently something that each of the older kiddos enjoy playing with among my things so it isn't an immediate need.

My bedding set for the daybed is supposed to arrive today! I have a partial vision of what I would like to do with my office/guest room. First, I need to get my desk organized - then I need to find space for all of the photo albums and empty or move the trunks (they are too bulky in that room). I've been working on framing my K-pop posters so that I can decide what is going in there and what is going in my room.  I like having the bookcase in the closet.  It's large enough that there is still space for guests to hang their clothes.

This weekend I will start decorating for Christmas since we will be celebrating the first Sunday of Advent. (I still have never purchased an Advent wreath to my liking after all of these years - they were always too expensive). I found a very inexpensive small Christmas tree - I'll spend more for a train set if I find one that I like! I kept just a few ornaments but I imagine that they will be enough to fill the tree. I think that my stockings can be hung off the end of my counter - or on the sideboard.

Time to get cleaned up for the day! AMDG!

Another Grand Adventure

Another Grand Adventure

     Every time we moved when the girls were little, I always told them that we were off on a new adventure. It was easy to fit into a new community when you have children in school. That automatically plugs you into the schools, church, library, etc.  Moving by oneself is a much more difficult task. I have the DAR, PEO, and church community but I am no longer plugged into anything. I don't have to be brave for someone else and it has always been difficult for me to be brave on my own. 

     

     I spent some time checking out apartments in North Carolina and discovered a few communities that I think would suit me. Floor plan is important (I want my furniture to fit!), I truly would like a pool if I am going to be in a complex (although fire pits are the best!), and an exercise room with a treadmill would be something I can see myself doing. And, yes, I am greatly affected by people in the front office/clubhouse. (I ruled out three places by deficiencies in these areas immediately). Of course, my favorites actually take me farther away from the parish that I would like to join so I will have to weigh whether or not that's important. I could just go to the same parish as my family (despite how off-putting I find it to be). It's still nice to be with family, right?

     Thinking ahead to second jobs, checking out online tutoring companies. With a move up-and-coming, that is definitely something that won't be effected by change in location. Working in retail sales for a chain is also a consideration - again, it's possible to retain a position while changing states. Maybe a bit of both? Re-packing some things this week and making use of having my car until it has to be turned in next weekend. Taking care of business and looking forward to the arrival of our new little one next month! 

     I'll try to be brave for my grandbabies. After all, it is another grand adventure! 

One More Time

I'm watching a mini-Kdrama (only 8 episodes) that isn't quite like Groundhog Day (even though it's promoted as such). In addition to the repetition of the same day for one character, we get to see the background/history of both him and his girlfriend and understand why he is repeating the same day. It's all bittersweet. Initially, he leaves her behind but begins to realize how much he loves her.

Will my husband ever have any regrets?
What could I have done to stop him from leaving me? If I could go back, then what could I change? I loved him no matter what - with every cruel thing he said or did, I loved him still. Was I that cruel to him? I've been told by friends and family that I had to have done something to push him away. I'm not the nicest, or talented, or beautiful of people so I guess there wasn't much that I could do to hold on to his love.  I feel so sorry and regretful and I miss him so.

Anniversaries

Some incredibly awful ones are looming up in the days ahead. It is like hearing the pounding of a drumbeat - so surprising that no one else around me can hear it. That's how loud it sounds in my head (and probably in my heart).

I'm going to drown it out - reading, praying, singing, dancing, and watching my shows.  I once had a backyard where I would dance at midnight - under the moonlight - with the dog taking care of his business and/or chasing animals. I felt safe - and sad.

I feel safe here. The nightmares are retreating. Every now and then an ugly one rears up its head but I dream more and more in other languages. And about happier things. I keep trying to give myself things to look forward to - to push me into being brave - to keep me alive.  I guess that I am keeping my guardian angel pretty well occupied 😊

Hairdressers

You know, a good one is so hard to find. My hair is fine but thick - and wavy when left to its own devices. It really does so much better when it is either feather-cut or clipped cut (instead of straight).
And, yes, women will most definitely remain loyal to their stylists who treat them well.

My stylist can schmooze with the best! He listens well, remembers details, and knows how to make someone feel good. Tonight he said that my hair has gotten thicker. He complimented whatever I am eating because my hair feels really healthy. And, here I am, drinking bekseju! This time he even asked me what I am doing to my skin because he said it looks healthier than most 45 year olds that he knows (I'm telling you - he can schmooze!). Anyway, I told him that I have been using Asian products - particularly my snail cream moisturizer (I actually pair that up with some Pure Haven products but I love my snail cream and serum). I also told him that I do have good genes: after all, my 90 year old mother certainly doesn't look or act her age. I would guess her at least 20 years younger if I was just meeting her for the first time.

He loves that I enjoy my K-pop music. He once dated a Korean girl (is still good friends with her brother) so he knows all about K-dramas and enjoys some K-pop himself. He thinks that I am a pretty cool grandma - learning a new language and enjoying a different kind of music (yes, he knows that I can't listen to all the old stuff because of the memories). And, so, he gives me a "student" discount whenever I see him.

He also fills me in on some of the things in his life - actually comes up with prayer requests for me. Yes, it's nice to have an excellent stylist.

Ramblings after a tiring week....

I spent the day sleeping off what I think is just a silent migraine. I mean, I have some post nasal drip and tinnitus (usually a migraine symptom for me), but I haven't had a real fever - so it can't be the flu that everyone else in the household has had but I am extremely stressed and a bit run-down from lack of good sleep this past week.

Got up early this morning to take my temp and ended up crawling back into bed with a dose of Dayquil in my system.

I was locked in nightmares all day regarding my father. I am not going to re-live them here because I have a tendency to re-live nightmares anyway. There are some recurring ones that I have had since I was  a little girl (my brain even seems to tell me, wait for it: here it comes again!).

What I realized after I was finally up today. This is February 4th - my Dad and my Momma's wedding anniversary. Do you know what January 28th was? The day my Dad's divorce from my mom was finalized. Yep, same year, same week. And my baby brother was born the following summer.

And someone else in my family is totally falling off of one of my pedestals. It's destroying me. It's bringing back and dredging up everything.

I even noticed strange red blotches have appeared in random spots on my body tonight. They don't hurt, they don't itch, they don't form a pattern, they are just there. I've had a hot shower, cup of citron tea, Nyquil, and now have a vitamin water on my nightstand. Praying that when sleep finally comes, that the nightmares won't be back.

I can't help thinking that my father's life has cursed us all. His selfishness seems to have bred more selfishness. That good ol' ripple effect.  I prefer to believe in the best of people but I'm getting so cynical. I can't be happy for anyone celebrating a 25 year wedding anniversary because I am waiting for the second shoe to drop. my mom was right: it always comes. (and, with it, something bad).

Even praying is becoming difficult. I have one of my favorite prayers as my cover photo right now just to force me to be able to say that one.

Mani apayo.

Myriad of thoughts

So, I followed up with the St. Vincent de Paul Society. They now have my name and contact info and I have received my first group email.    Check.

Reminder: don't take probiotic capsules. Oh my gosh, I took one yesterday and today I was miserably ill and constantly running to the bathroom. Finally feeling human again.


Missing my North Carolina grandbabies while I had a delightful time on Grammie duty back here in MA filled with teddy bear parties, trains, and ND football! Wishing that the kiddos could spend more time together - they have so many of the same interests.


Little Man #2 and music. Wow! I'm totally enjoying the fact that he loves and is interested in the music that Grammie listens to - he likes CNBLUE, 2PM, GOT7, Highlight, KNK, and SF9. And he enjoys teaching Grammie about the music that he likes: Pentatonix, Raffi, Moana, and selected songs from Hamilton. He totally "rocks out" when he hears a good beat.

That's not to say that my other grandbabies aren't musical - because they are! They just aren't as interested in my Kpop but they do support Grammie in going to see her groups in concert <3

Working more diligently on learning to read, write, and speak Korean. While I was out of town, the Boston meet-up group has actually expanded into lesson times. I will definitely have to check on times and places to see how feasible it would be to attend. In the meantime, I have purchased a concert ticket to see SF9 at the Wilbur Theater in Boston on the evening of November 19th. This is the first time that I have even heard of a Kpop group coming to Boston - grateful that it is one that I know and like (saw them perform at KCON NY 2017!).

Waiting to hear whether or not I have been selected to go to Korea for a variety show called Seoulmate. They bring in foreigners to stay with celebrities for a couple of days in their homes. Honestly, I would be super thrilled to be able to do such a thing!

I have my favorites (my biases) but there is no one that I would refer to as an Oppa (big brother/ boyfriend) like so many fans do. I may "fall in love" with a character in a show but all the idols/actors are so much younger than I am that it is like cheering on my children or my former students. I delight in their accomplishments and support their endeavors in both their public and private lives. They could call me Imo/Auntie and I would be happy. Unnie/Noona are reserved for someone who is more like an older sister - that might be more appropriate with some of the older stars that I like but since they don't know me what does it matter?

So, I need to plan a get-together for my mother as she celebrates 90 next year. I am grateful that she is still extremely healthy - the conundrum is that her birthday falls in winter and during the school year so it is not a great time to plan a family get-together on a grand scale since no one else lives in town. But my Mom is very big on celebrating on the day of.....Thinking of having two celebrations - one with us (her kids) and another with all of our kids, aunts, cousins, etc....


Due to that and other schedule conflicts it seems as though Ireland will have to be delayed once again. Life happens. Maybe, just maybe, I will make it to South Korea for the show at least.....Mackinac Island's Grand Hotel might be a place to still have a get together with my girls? (Somewhere in Time is still one of my favorite movies - although I might cry the entire time).

My husband got to travel so many places over the years while I have never been off of this continent. To Mexico when I was a kid (family vacation extension from Texas) and I think that I might have been in Canada 3 times throughout my life? The one cruise that I got to go on was from New York City to Halifax, NS - and a freezing but fun time was had by all. I have never been to the West Coast and I just made it to Maine (the home state of my grandfather) for the first time ever last weekend. With family spread out, it makes more sense to spend any free time visiting with them (or possibly with my friends whom I greatly miss).

And I should wrap up those thoughts tonight. Take care and God bless!

For the first time in forever....

For the first time in forever, I've gone at least a week without having a nightmare. My dreams have been filled with family and my favorite actors and singers. Quite the hodgepodge, but I'll take it!

I even had a dream within a dream this past week where I happened to be analyzing the dream that had occurred in my dream. How strange! But I remember thinking that my analysis was really "spot on".

Truly, this is one of the benefits of living here with my kids and three of my grandbabies. I have always been a personality that needs a home filled with kiddos. I hope this means that the grandchildren are keeping me young but I know that all of the warm snuggles, hugs, and kisses are keeping me "alive" and healthier than I have been in a long, long time. The migraines still crop up from time to time but they are manageable - not debilitating. And, I've only had one panic attack since I have been here.

I'm not taking the heart meds - the tachycardia seemed to cease after managing my asthma. It took three states and a bunch of doctors over the years to finally (FINALLY) diagnose the asthma. It was much easier to diagnose my migraines (I've had those since I was 10).

I do still take my aspirin. I am mindful of the fact that my grandfather just dropped dead on vacation when he was in his 50s. I also still have times where the depression hits suddenly but I don't feel as though I need the "anti-crying" meds anymore. (I am beyond the point of being suicidal, don't worry).

Learning to spend time each day on my prayer and my studies. Enjoying working on making rosaries once again - I just have to live with my fingers hurting all the time now. As long as they can still function properly, I really have no complaints.

Getting back to my reading daily also. Just completed Our Lady of Kibeho which has inspired me to make a Seven Sorrows chaplet rosary. (the medals are on order). I should return to Cardinal Sarah's The Power of Silence  for the online book club - but, again, I'm finding it tedious.

I hesitate to become involved in some things at the moment because I know that I will be leaving soon for an extended stay with my other grandbabies - assisting their mommy and daddy during the birth of their baby sister. However, once I return, I will assess some of the things around me - for example, our parish works with St. Vincent de Paul (something I've always felt drawn to but was never around). I should get back into the habit of spending at least an hour a week with Jesus in adoration.

I have a wonderful, online support from some "powerful" Catholic friends - that does help give me strength. And, they are great prayer partners!

I'm filling up my empty address book (that I have kept for years!) so that I can begin true correspondence once again. There was a time when I made sure to write everyone in my address book at least once a month. So many of the older family members are now gone but I treasured their responses to my mail. I see society moving away from the "social graces" and I want to at least model some of the "polite, thoughtful" things to do for my grandchildren. I remember one of my grandmothers teaching me how to make strawberry tarts, another grandmother teaching me the love of family history, my grandfather's cousin who continued my love of genealogy, and a step-grandmother who loved her Bible. Oh, and then there was my great-aunt who always played music with me!

I saw a book on a shelf as I visited last weekend - something about the lost art of conversation. That is so very true! Thankfully, we don't eat meals with phones at the table - nor do we answer calls during dinner time. However, society is demanding that we be plugged in at all times.

I am starting a little prayer journal of all the prayer requests that come in daily - and I've added many prayer cards to my collection. I want to continue learning about the saints. Consider that another of my subjects to study.

I hope that I continue to take after my one grandmother who was sharp as a tack until the very end (and who lived through an entire century). I don't dance out in the backyard at midnight anymore (I don't have my Jack with me) but I should continue to dance - I tried the K-pop workshop at KCON and I discovered that I just don't have the stamina - but, as I have done my entire life, when I find myself alone in the house I continue to crank up the music and "rock out" as I go about my tasks.

And, travel - I now see the importance of travel. (I wanted to spend my retirement time traveling with my husband - we should have done it sooner). Two definite destinations in my mind and my heart: Ireland and South Korea. Once upon a time, Leningrad/St. Petersburg would have been included in that list but I've lost that desire. Maybe, after Putin.....

Biology. That study never ceases. That's the legacy of my father that I would like to remember him for - not for the pain that he caused his families through his actions - but the man who took me to the ag barns, taught me the breeds of cattle, showed me the chicks and ducklings hatching, allowed me to observe surgeries (even one on a black labrador - of course, he had to show me that it had recovered!), the birth of a baby (Christopher Michael Cox, wherever he is!), and imparted his love of medicine and how things worked in the human body to me.

My mother took care of my spiritual life. Through all my trials and tribulations, I have never once lost my faith in God. That has to be because of her. And my stepmother was the parent who made me feel safe - I can't deny that. (Of course, if my father had remained faithful, then I would never have been "un-protected").

And, something my mother taught me a long, long time ago: friends can definitely be extended family. They are, at times, the family that we choose with our hearts. I need to remember to make time to visit with some of my very best friends throughout the years.

So, for the first time in forever, I am not debilitated by my sorrows.