An "Inconvenient" Truth

So, I had dinner and "family" time with my best friend this week. Just normal relaxed, down home, week-night comfort food and surrounded by the kids doing homework. After the grandkids went home with their mom, we settled in front of the TV to just talk.

If you don't know this by now about me, then I will tell you that I am incurable romantic. My children tease me because I have probably watched "The Prince and Me" more than anyone else on this planet. Yep, that's how much I love that story - and besides Luke Mably and Julia Stiles are absolutely adorable in it!

Why is that so important to know? Well, the conversation of course turned to how Christmas in Cambridge went - with all of my children and grandchildren and the presence of my husband. I fared quite well, thank you. In fact, my daughter even gifted us with a Christmas baby!

Now you see, there was a moment in time when my husband had a choice to make, either marry the girl and try to keep her in the States or spend Christmas with his daughters. I don't discuss that much because, in the eyes of the Church and in my heart, we are still married. However, he chose to let the girl go and come on to Cambridge. I really didn't think much of it at the time because I figured he has applied for that marriage license so he is going to use it at some point.

My best friend has a different take on the matter. She thinks he doesn't love that girl at all and is just in it for the sex and the flattery. Of course, what she didn't realize is that her words gave me hope. (I know, I just heard quite a few screams of STOP!)

I can't help it, that made my heart flutter. (And my best friend would seriously disown me if I said anything like that to her) But this image from Christmas

still makes me cry. That's grandson #2 - grandbaby #4 <3

I'm serious. Once this house sells, and I move away, I don't want my daughters to tell him where I am. But I can't tell them why - not really. Because deep down, I want him to come looking for me. If he knows where I am, then he won't. It's as simple as that. ( If he does marry her, then I don't want her knowing where I am - that's a whole "safe place" issue). If you don't know much about PTSD, then you won't understand the "safe place" - but, trust me, this house no longer qualifies as such.

Now, back to my sanity. I know, you already think that I've lost it. I'm really working hard on learning the Korean. I'm moving to an area where I could actually do some translating - something I wanted to do with my Russian decades ago. Maybe I'll realize one of those old dreams, just in a different form.

Mending....

I actually got "out" this weekend! Shocking, I know. My baby girl brought her boyfriend home - forcing me to actually go to the grocery store prior to their arrival - and then we enjoyed an evening at Mass, out to dinner, and then back in for conversation (along with one of my "adopted" sons).

The snow has melted - actually helping to alleviate my winter-time blues. (I no longer enjoy "snowy" days - a sign that I need to go "south"). I was always so contemptuous of "snowbirds" when I lived in Florida - of course, I am actually speaking of moving South for good - not just the winter months....

And, I think that I have finally eliminated the source of my respiratory illness these past several months. It took an extreme migraine to "trigger" my super-sensitivity to smells mode and I discovered that there were still traces of scent from when that feral cat was locked in my house for over a week last year. I mean, it was so bad that I vomited. (Not to be too disgusting but I couldn't go anywhere near the front room without a mask). After cleaning the carpet four times, I finally contacted my friend who is a professional carpet cleaner and his professional opinion was "rip it out". So, my very favorite carpet in the entire house is now gone. The room is still torn apart as I need to continue to scrape up bits of carpet pad clinging to spots here and there but I have used Murphy's oil soap on the main areas and I'm not smelling anything offensive wafting into me in the family room at the moment. JOY!

I have also experienced another breakthrough in the midst of this hard work and joy for three nights in a row: No nightmares! Not entirely restful sleep but I had dreams - and they were in Korean. No, I'm not fluent yet so it was more "Konglish" but also the people in my dreams were all Asian. No one represented anyone who makes me frightened or sad in my nightmares. I woke up feeling the best that I have in a really, really long time.

Well, enough of this: I need to grade papers.

Giving up on one dream

I've come to realize.....

I used to always say that I had a "book in me".
Seriously, I started writing one when I was 10 years old: called The Lake Mahuba Mystery. I never finished it but it had a cast of a dozen kids (I always wanted a dozen children back when I was young). And, of course, they all had their own dogs. :)

As I got older, I became a little more realistic and decided that a family of at least five children would be nice - that's because I loved having four brothers and sisters. And, I still dreamed of writing that book. Over the years, I've still dreamed of writing that book. Oh, not the one that I originally started but I continued to read and read and read and dreamt of contributing something to the world of literature.

Now, as I've become a grandmother, I've realized that time has passed. I don't speak in the flowery language that I once did. My daughters are much more gifted than I am. They should be the ones to write the books, not I. I enjoy reading the books aloud to my grandbabies. That's the stage of life that I have come to now.

I'm still learning. My mother and father both instilled a joy of learning new things on a daily basis into me. So, even though I have lost my flowery language, or have realized that maybe I don't have that "book in me", I can still enjoy learning. I hope I pass that joy of discovery on to my babies, and to their babies, and to generations to come.

Christmas Season - heading into Candlemas

I'm now into the lonely dregs of January. Snowed in, to be exact.

I had an absolutely joyous "Christmas in Cambridge" as we welcomed a new little baby boy into the family early Christmas Day! Being surrounded by all of my babies and their babies is this mother's greatest joy. I was able to ignore the other hurts of the season for the most part (the nightmares remain and continue).

Grades - I've almost caught up with them! Even though I'm creating more assignments, I have a sense of keeping my head above water. Nice. And, I'm not truly sick - even though my throat is starting to bother me a bit and a cough is beginning to develop. Keep that hot tea coming!

And, omo, omo, omo! My Korean is getting better and better! Now, I just need some true study time! In addition, I watched a K-drama (twice) this past week. I am so "in love" with the main character. That's exactly the kind of love that I thought that I had with my husband. (Maybe that's why I'm a bit in a funk - but every time the actor smiles - he makes me smile). He's not Hyun Bin (my very fave) but he has adorable dimples and a smile that lights up a room. The character he portrays is a modern day perfect gentleman - who only has one love until the end of time. If you want romantic drama, then watch "Angel Eyes" with Lee Sang Yoon.

Oh, and don't forget to choose a new saint for the new year! Jen Fulwiler has that awesome Saint Randomizer - I tell you, it works for me every time! This year I got St. Henry II, whose feast day is July 15th. Yeah, I never heard of him either but, get this, he's the patron saint of Benedictine oblates! Who knew???

New Year's Resolutions: get this house sold, move south, become a better Benedictine, and learn that Korean! Have a wonderful and joyous new year!