Sunday, March 22, 2015
Beyond the Ides of March....
Spring is supposedly here. We've had two nice days of warm weather and the forecast is for freezing temps by morning.
Depression comes and goes. I no longer have all the meds in my system that my doctors had prescribed so I'm coping through prayer, music, and K-dramas. Yep, they all help.
However, going to church is becoming more and more difficult in this community. I feel as though I've lost not only my home - but my place in my faith community. I am "just" a visitor - no longer connected to anything within the parish. And, if I make a mistake, like I did today and end up at Mass with him - then I find that the pain is too much. I had to leave my seat as soon as I sat down this morning - not realizing that he was there (for that Mass has been safe for the past few Sundays) - but then I looked up and saw him. I immediately couldn't breathe and got up - fighting to stay inside the church and not walk out - I ended up sitting in the very back, with my view blocked. It doesn't help that he sings when he is there because I can't block that out. I pulled out my rosary and immediately started praying for my Holy Mother's help.
It didn't stop the tears - but it did give me some strength. Strength to remain and to focus on Jesus.
Will I always be this weak? Will I continue to cry whenever I see him or hear him? Will the migraines continue to hit - out of the blue?
Spring is supposed to be about new beginnings - when will I feel as though I've truly stepped into spring?
Depression comes and goes. I no longer have all the meds in my system that my doctors had prescribed so I'm coping through prayer, music, and K-dramas. Yep, they all help.
However, going to church is becoming more and more difficult in this community. I feel as though I've lost not only my home - but my place in my faith community. I am "just" a visitor - no longer connected to anything within the parish. And, if I make a mistake, like I did today and end up at Mass with him - then I find that the pain is too much. I had to leave my seat as soon as I sat down this morning - not realizing that he was there (for that Mass has been safe for the past few Sundays) - but then I looked up and saw him. I immediately couldn't breathe and got up - fighting to stay inside the church and not walk out - I ended up sitting in the very back, with my view blocked. It doesn't help that he sings when he is there because I can't block that out. I pulled out my rosary and immediately started praying for my Holy Mother's help.
It didn't stop the tears - but it did give me some strength. Strength to remain and to focus on Jesus.
Will I always be this weak? Will I continue to cry whenever I see him or hear him? Will the migraines continue to hit - out of the blue?
Spring is supposed to be about new beginnings - when will I feel as though I've truly stepped into spring?
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Severely
Okay, so this is the saddest music video ever, beautifully sung and acted by Lee Hong Ki (my bias in FT Island). Truly, watch it and weep.
This morning, the alarm didn't awaken me. My dreams did. (Or nightmares). I was sobbing in my dream - brokenhearted for my child (who was a little one) - she had just been emotionally hurt and I had my arms around her, I remember fussing at him because he had caused the hurt, and there he was - putting his arms around me to comfort me. And the thought went through my head, "what are you doing? you haven't cared about me for so long?" - and I woke up.
And the snow is still coming down - and I must really be experiencing some Lenten sorrows. The depression is deep and the snow makes it worse.
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