Spring is supposedly here. We've had two nice days of warm weather and the forecast is for freezing temps by morning.
Depression comes and goes. I no longer have all the meds in my system that my doctors had prescribed so I'm coping through prayer, music, and K-dramas. Yep, they all help.
However, going to church is becoming more and more difficult in this community. I feel as though I've lost not only my home - but my place in my faith community. I am "just" a visitor - no longer connected to anything within the parish. And, if I make a mistake, like I did today and end up at Mass with him - then I find that the pain is too much. I had to leave my seat as soon as I sat down this morning - not realizing that he was there (for that Mass has been safe for the past few Sundays) - but then I looked up and saw him. I immediately couldn't breathe and got up - fighting to stay inside the church and not walk out - I ended up sitting in the very back, with my view blocked. It doesn't help that he sings when he is there because I can't block that out. I pulled out my rosary and immediately started praying for my Holy Mother's help.
It didn't stop the tears - but it did give me some strength. Strength to remain and to focus on Jesus.
Will I always be this weak? Will I continue to cry whenever I see him or hear him? Will the migraines continue to hit - out of the blue?
Spring is supposed to be about new beginnings - when will I feel as though I've truly stepped into spring?
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