Saturdays

Today is a beautifully brilliant bright day. I enjoy warmth - it's a bit chilly at 54 degrees - but this is winter and I could be in a much colder place at this time.

My tasks for the day include: cleaning the kitchen, grading papers, taking care of the dog, and general straightening. I will intersperse this with reading, prayer, relaxing, and either enjoying a K-drama/movie or K-pop.

This is a time of healing. Surviving - the best that I can.

Since my new meds, I can report that I can breathe more easily (I don't feel as though there are bricks weighing down my chest), the panic meds seem to be more effective, and I've noticed that when I work against my tachycardia meds, a migraine ensues. Which means: I feel more normal. The depression never truly leaves but I am not so immersed that I can't function - nor recognize my blessings. Yes, I fear going out and about on my own - but that is an "introvert" thing. I could do it if I absolutely had to do so.

My word for the day: gidaryeo. (Wait (for me)). Learning how to be patient and to wait. Eventually, the house will sell, I will move out of the apartment, I will move forward.

However, this is my song:

Daily Struggles - and Blessings....

It was a tough day at school. However, in the midst of the anxiety, stress, and worries of the day, I was blessed by the actions of several children. 

Near the end of my first class, someone sprayed something in the room that shut down my airway fairly quickly. I immediately had a student raise the back window while I stayed up by my desk. I could feel my strength waning but I didn't want to show much of a reaction when it was almost time for the bell to ring. Apparently, it was evident to a couple of students that I was in distress because one of the girls came up to me and commented that my face was really flushed - she asked if she should call the nurse. I told her that I would be fine - not to worry. As the room emptied, she stayed behind and asked me again if I was okay. I told her that I had some medicine in my closet and she walked with me to make sure that I was fine. She didn't leave until after I had retrieved my inhaler. She told me that she didn't see who had sprayed it - and apologized. What a sweet child! 

During lunch time, three students stopped by to check on me. They were concerned as to whether or not I was okay. I told them that I was doing fine and thanked them for stopping by. (I must have looked as bad as I felt when they had left my class earlier...so much for trying to hide my symptoms). 

After school, I had another student show up for help with his chemistry. He pulled out his phone with a photo of Elvis etched into the back of it and commented that was his favorite singer of all time. I laughed and told him that I was a big Elvis fan but I was surprised that he was. It was his mom's favorite singer - she passed away a few years ago - and they used to sing Elvis songs in the kitchen while she cooked and he did homework. Then I find out that he was adopted - and that he has a 5 year old little brother (also adopted) by his foster parents. This young man shared with me that he is going to enlist in the army, plans to pursue studies in meteorology, and make his mom proud. His mom had to have been a very special person. What a gift I received today!

Gwaenchanhayo

"It's all right/okay" or "Are you all right/okay?" Difference being intonation, of course!

I have thoroughly enjoyed delving into my Korean studies today. No, I didn't binge on watching K-dramas or listening to K-pop. I actually spent time writing/studying Hangul and learning vocabulary.
Waeyo? I don't know if I can even explain it. I have always loved studying etymology/linguistics/languages - my Dad instilled that in me when he started teaching me Spanish when I was only 5 years old. He set up a little classroom area in his "office" and taught me from an old brown book that I think first belonged to my maternal grandmother (a high school Spanish/English teacher).

Over the years, I added German phrases (my German grandmother!), French, Italian, Japanese (something about a Girl Scout badge way back when) - learning polite words in many languages. (Please, thank you, excuse me, you're welcome, etc.). During junior high, I had a social studies teacher who instilled in me my love of Russian history (Miss Hamilton). Then, in high school, I participated in the pen pal program: gaining "friends" in Morocco, Germany, South Africa, Hong Kong, and Ireland. I wish I could say that I am still in contact with all of them - but I am not. I do still have their letters and photos. I wonder if they have mine. I became fairly fluent in Spanish during my high school years, testing out of my foreign language requirement for college, but fully intending to go on to study Russian language during my college years.

I did that - adding linguistics and literature classes to my curriculum. Linguistics class was taught by one of the Russian language professors - and it introduced so much about etymology, different forms of dialects, etc., sparking my love even further. I don't recall the Swahili that we learned during that class but I remember that it was one of the languages we covered. While browsing the college bookstore, I picked up additional books on learning Gaelic and Chinese. I tried teaching myself those languages, too. I don't know why I didn't ask one of my friends on campus to tutor me - maybe because I was so focused on my major in Russian? When I returned to college, I continued with studies in "The Language of Medicine" and learning Signed English. I went on to use the Signed English as a social worker - assisting me with the American Sign Language that some of my clients used.

It is true that if you don't use it, you lose it. I don't speak Spanish or Russian very well anymore - even though I had once achieved a decent level of fluency. I do understand much more than I can speak. It was nice for awhile when I had local friends of Hispanic descent who would force me to use my Spanish once again. One by one, they got transplanted. *sigh* However, I saw my children make good use of the excellent teachers they had in high school and conversing with their Mexican friends.  I am impressed with their talent!

My dad had that talent: learning/speaking/writing in eight different languages. And, yes, he started learning Russian on his own when I was studying it in college! He was raised in a bilingual household: German remaining the language at home until his great-grandmother passed away when he was 12 years old. In addition, my maternal grandfather was fluent in both Spanish/Portuguese and worked for the United Fruit company - flying back and forth between the US and South America in the early 1940s. Oddly, my mother has no ear for language, nor does she seem to have any desire to learn any other languages. When I told her what I was doing today, she remarked "whatever floats your boat" and her tone was very flat. I sense that she doesn't approve at all. I don't think she ever really approved of me learning Russian either come to think of it. My dad is the one who bought me all of the foreign language books....

My daughter inadvertently sparked my interest in Korean by introducing me to K-dramas. The fact that her mother-in-law is also Korean contributes to my desire to welcome/embrace her language/culture into our own. I have always admired Asian men - dated a young man in college who was Korean/Japanese and another who was Chinese - not counting the others whom I had crushes on/friendships with. Then, years later, my best friends happen to be Japanese and Filipino. I was learning some Tagalog until.....I won't go there. Anyway, Korean is phonetic (like Russian!) - now if I could just master memorizing the alphabet! I am on toddler level right now - just basic words/phrases.

Letting go of my past, walking away from teaching, and learning what I want to learn. Gwaenchanhayo!

Receiving my nudges:

I've prayed for guidance and, gently, I am getting little hints and nudges. Today, I officially resigned my position as of June 1st (the end of the school year). That means I'm done with teaching in schools. Maybe I'll tutor, or return to parish religious education in the future, but the passion is gone. I had to turn in a letter of intent first thing this morning - I listed "relocation" as my reason.

What I have learned over the weekend:
1) I wanted a smaller town so that I could drive less - instead, I am driving more. And, there is no public transit system in place that would allow me to not drive to some of the places I need to go. I see accidents every day - something I just don't recall seeing anywhere else.

2) My big bro and his family go out of their way to check on me and get me out - but they are reaching a point where they want to travel more. I don't want to be their third wheel - they truly deserve time exploring things on their own. I love and appreciate all that they are doing with me and I will treasure this time here always.

3) I've enjoyed spending time with my new church friend and her neighbors - they are trying to convince me to move to their neighborhood. Strike #1: it feels as though it is in the midst of the boonies and, during the flood, they were totally cut off. Strike #2: it has a very strict HOA - where people actually report their neighbors because a Christmas wreath on the door is wider than 18 inches across. Strike #3: it's a 55+ neighborhood and it seems like I am hanging out with my mom and her friends (I feel too young even if I'm not).

Maybe I need to head back home when my lease runs out (if the house still hasn't sold by then). I will make that decision when summer-time draws near. For now, I still have a job and an apartment. Time to make some memories here (without being as stressed about everything).  I need to get to the beach - still haven't gotten there!

Vertigo (and realities)

There was a time when I would never, ever miss church. Part of that was because I didn't always have to drive. Now, I have missed several Sundays - here and there - due to illnesses, floods, etc. I try to watch Mass on EWTN when that happens because I don't want to miss my time with Jesus. Of course, I always feel as though I can talk to Jesus - but it is more comforting to actually be in his presence.

Vertigo has hit me off and on this week. Not as badly as it did several years ago when I couldn't drive anywhere and missed several days of work but it is a bit scary when you get that spinning feeling when sitting in traffic. I truly don't want to cause an accident because I lost it momentarily. I did experience one day at school where I was extremely nauseated and actually had to sit on a stool in order to make in through the lectures of the day. Since then, it has come and gone at odd times - nothing predictable. I fell off of my desk chair one morning - fortunately while it was my prep time and not during class. Random, I know - totally lost my balance and knew I was going to fall. Couldn't stop it though. If I was to get up right now from my recliner, then I would fall over. I can totally feel the imbalance and the tinnitus has started up again.

I can't afford to take another day off this next week because I have to go in to see a specialist the following week. In weighing pros and cons, since the vertigo is a symptom of migraines, I really should consider living somewhere i would have access to public transportation - or where I could walk to many places. Two pluses to living in town in C'ville: could get to a store for milk if needed and originally the car repair shop was downtown so I could drop it off if I had problems and walk home. I also liked being able to walk to the library or to one of my favorite restaurants. And, I did walk to church a couple of times (even though it was a trek).

So, I guess I should be considering my mobility. Received an email from the school's secretary this week (blanket email to all teachers) mentioning the due date for a letter of intent. I must say that I'm not sure what that is all about. Is it a statement as to whether or not you plan on returning to work in the same position the following school year? Back when I worked at a private Catholic school, we actually had to write a letter basically pleading our case to ask for a job for the next year (I really objected to the tone of that but I did comply).  Now, if I need to write a letter by the end of February committing to a position for next year then I am completely torn. I have no desire to continue working in these exact same conditions: yes, I am doing just fine teaching physical science and chemistry but I extremely dislike teaching in these subject areas because they aren't my "passion". My BS degree is in Biology (love, love, love teaching Bio - particularly cell ultrastructure and anatomy/physiology and zoology) - plus I am licensed to teach English (Language Arts) - (again, love, love, love teaching great literature and creative writing). I enjoy algebra but it isn't a passion - much better than what I am doing right now though. I have no desire to "commit" to a school that still hasn't shown me two things: 1) that I will be allowed to teach in my subject areas only and 2) that I will have "back up" from the admin when necessary.  Plus, it is a 30 minute drive - that's not bad - it's just that when I am feeling like this then I can't even drive 5 minutes away. (not safely).

Here I am - I've moved to an area where the weather is much better but did I really consider all of my needs? The big city near my children is looking and sounding more and more appealing. As I have always said (and one of my daughters pointed out to me), people are always more important. (Sorry about the "double" always in the same sentence).

God, please help me sell my house and make the "right" decision.....