You

Memories of you have gotten stronger and clearer as I embark on a different stage of my life.

For the first time in my life, I basically have a desk job. I'm preparing to move into an apartment again all by myself in about six/seven weeks.  It's all lined up - it just isn't available until then.  I do have several tasks regarding initial set-up and move-in but I'll worry about that at the beginning of next month.

The shows that appeal to me right now are more nostalgic and romantic. I still watch quite a variety but I am enjoying the fact that I do have evenings where I can have a drink and relax, play games, or read - and just feel safe and comfortable.

But my memories. I remember the evening we met. Dancing, conversation, flirting - and me giving you my phone number. It took you a couple of days to call but you did - and we ended up spending an entire day at King's Island. As we stood at the top of the fake Eiffel tower and watched fireworks, I realized that I was head over heels for you.

You were so handsome. And so attentive. And I like to remember you like that. I know that deep down, you're there. I just can't see you now. Maybe someday you'll return.

If you don't, then I don't think that I will ever tell you again that I love you - even though I do. Thank you for our girls - and our grandbabies. May they all just reflect the best of you.

Doesn't matter who you are spending your time with - we had many things together that no one else can ever touch. Be that good dad again who adored his girls. Be that fun Grandpa who loves to play. And be that good Catholic boy from Cincinnati who filled up my world. Forget me if you need to. But don't forget your children.

Things my husband no longer knows

I realized this the other day - my husband has no clue who I have become since he walked out that door on the night before our 30th wedding anniversary. Yes, we have a civil divorce (I do hate no-fault laws) but we do not have an annulment from our Church. Even if he somehow obtained one, I would not feel released from the vows that we made. I truly believe in the sacrament of marriage - it is until death us do part. period.

But, what has happened in these past years? I'll admit that a lot of it is a total blur because I was so deep in the midst of clinical depression (my husband once told me that depression is only an excuse to be lazy) that there is quite a fog in my brain and quite a loss of memory. I am pretty sure that I have emerged from the depths since I am no longer fighting suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I'll admit that they do pop up again from time to time but they are much easier to quell.

So, what doesn't he know? Well, for starters, there is no way that he would be able to guess who I consider to be my favorite actors and singers.  (I probably couldn't pick his either...)
He honestly wouldn't know that I have gone to the movies by myself now (something I had never ever done until just a few short years ago - three?) or that I have gone to a concert all by myself. Yep, I've done that now - despite my PTSD, despite my panic / anxiety disorder, despite my extreme fear of being in large crowds by myself.  (well, if our daughters have told him, then he might know)

I have moved across several states all by myself a couple of times now. I've driven that Uhaul/Penske truck all by my little lonesome - slept at truck stops - even gotten hotel rooms all by myself.  Of course, I did that from Florida to Iowa and back again during my years of college but that was before him.  I have done that with our littles in the van but I don't think that counts because I had someone else with me - even if I was the one in charge. One can always be stronger than what you normally are when one is in Mom mode.

I sometimes wonder if he can now remember the birthdates of his siblings and all of his nieces/nephews?  That was always my job. Does he know the birthdates of his grandchildren ? (without being reminded by his daughters?).  I guess that is no longer my concern.  On all of our special "dates" of the year, I try to do something - practically anything - to create new memories.  Does he do that? Or would he just not remember any way?  I mean, he actually forgot my birthday three times throughout our time together - maybe even more? maybe the kids or I reminded him some of the other times? But I was definitely devastated each of those three times. I was raised to celebrate on the day - no matter what.

I'm not strong - not like I used to be. I don't deal well with change. I drink a lot more than he would remember (even though it's still not that much). He wouldn't know that I love bekseju and Korean fried chicken. Nor even know that I enjoy a lot of Korean foods - even the spicy ones (just never seafood, thank you!). I love kimchi and ramyeon and seaweed and bibimbap and pickled radish and kimbap and hotteok and tteokboki and jjajangmyeon, etc.  Me, the picky eater.

Maybe he knows that I finally made it to Ireland. It doesn't matter - he never took me there. Next overseas trip will either be back to Ireland or to South Korea - that's my guess.

Postscript: I just discovered this sitting in my drafts from a few months ago. Might as well publish it because I was thinking about him anyway.

Something I posted in one of my private groups

 I am grateful that I am actually living here with my daughter for the time being - they are trying their best to keep me protected and safe (high risk with my asthma and heart) - so I'm glad that I don't have to venture out. However, I've found this to be a comforting Lenten and Easter season. I have so much more access to mass, compline, and adoration due to the livestreaming of our local parish, the local Dominican sisters, my former parishes, and the Abbeys and Shrines that I feel connected with around the world. All of this livestreaming wasn't available before...I can even tune in and pray a nightly rosary with a dear friend in another state. Why weren't we doing this before? Anyway, I think of the people around the world who have no access to the sacraments - or who are actually persecuted for their faith - and I can do this. This living arrangement is for only a year at most - I'd prefer to figure out where I'll be moving next sometime during the summer. Keeping you all in my prayers because it can still be lonely. I try not to think about the "what ifs and what should have beens" - instead, I am trying to use this time to get "me" in order: studies - both in my faith and my personal interests (even honing my teaching skills because I'm preparing my high school biology lessons for my elementary level grandchildren via Skype) and in putting things in "order" around me. A kind of a "spring cleaning" of my soul.

The world is going crazy

I am grateful at the moment that I have two Facebook walls right now. One lists over 400 friends while the other lists 26. I am hiding out on my little wall where I only post about all things Korean: K-dramas, K-pop, Korean food and culture - also current news since South Korea is handling this pandemic better than most of the world.

The feed on my other wall is sending me over the edge. I can't understand why, now, a lot of my strong Catholic pro-life friends are more concerned with a stay-at-home order destroying their civil liberties and are willing to take their chances with the virus. Fine, and dandy. It's about not overwhelming our hospitals and giving a chance to slow down the spread of the virus. I'm high risk. Probably even more high risk than my 92 year old mother since she doesn't have asthma or heart issues. I've also been known to get the absolute worst version of anything: scarlet fever twice (the trigger for my heart problem), 21 days straight of high fever with mono; and I ended up with pneumonia after attending KCON NY. I even had a severe respiratory allergy reaction hit after cheering on people during the Boston marathon one year.  I digress. The life they save by staying home could very easily be me - or my granddaughter - or one of my daughters. But, no, they want to protest the strict policies of our governor (which the ENTIRE world seems to be following right now - isn't that a clue???)  In addition, our state ranks 3rd highest in the nation for DEATHS from the virus!

Here's where I just don't get it. Even my strongly Democratic friends are posting:" I don't want to hear how Pro-Life you are ever again if you aren't staying home and taking safety precautions. " That's exactly how I feel! And, these posts decrying the loss of civil liberties are coming from very strong devout Catholics. My world has turned upside down.  How can they truly be pro-life???

Guys, I'm a scientist. You might just think that I'm a teacher with a degree in education - no, I came to that later in life.  I'm a biologist. A doctor's kid. A mom. You might say that I've been practicing "medicine" for a very long time.  My field of study is Vertebrate Anatomy and Physiology combined with Cell Ultrastructure and Dynamics.  You - a social studies major - or lawyer - or English major - etc. - are going to tell me that you don't "believe" in the guidelines from the CDC????? Wow - just wow. 

This isn't going to be a coherent rant. This is the only place I can voice my opinion. For some reason, people think that it is okay to attack me for my opinions on my own wall. I can't deal with conflict. But that doesn't mean I'm not constantly running conversations in my head that I'll never have out loud.  I've been diagnosed with PTSD, clinical depression (suicide risk), anxiety/panic disorder, etc. in the past. It doesn't help that I easily get tachycardia and numbness in my left arm which can trigger the anxiety.  I know that I shouldn't engage because it will actually affect my health.  My migraines and asthma definitely are exacerbated by stress.

So, here's where I stand. I can never vote Democrat because of abortion policies, and other issues that I won't go into here. Just know that I am a strong believer in my Catholic faith so I try my best to adhere to everything within the catechism. I have been a life long Republican who voted for a third party candidate this past time around because I was not happy with either of the main party candidates. I don't want our current president to have a second term but I certainly can't support the Democratic candidate either.  My party is failing me. But the other one will never embrace me.  I'm frustrated because people aren't looking at what is truth and morality or even  listening to science. Instead, they are dividing along political lines and blindly ignoring the needs of humanity because they want to win their pissing matches.

Just please - stay home - don't put anyone at risk of death because you think that you're immune. So you want to be selfish in your own actions - sadly, you can carry the virus to someone else even if you are unaffected.  I am saddened by all of the vile, hateful remarks I am seeing posted on people's walls. It doesn't matter who they are directed towards - it's not what Jesus would teach. Pray for your enemies - forgive them - don't curse them out (it totally lowers who you are and gives the devil a strong foothold). Long before I was married and had children - many of my actions (or lack thereof) were determined by my inner self questioning: "what would I tell my children?" "how would I explain myself?" Some people really need to stop and think: would I want my child to know and use these words? to viciously attack someone verbally ?  You can dislike actions, think someone is behaving like an ass, etc. but you don't have to spew forth any crude remarks.

The 11th commandment, posted on my classroom wall for many years: Thou shalt not offend thy teacher.  Think about it.

Pandemic

Well, the entire world is going into seclusion. Something that I have experienced for most of these past 7 + years. Back then, I described it like being Sandra Bullock's character in The Net but our technology is even better these days so you actually can "see" the other person and recognize them when you finally do get a chance to meet.

Anyway, beginning today, Little Man #1 is home from school for the next three weeks (at least!). This really hasn't changed a lot regarding the daily routine because Littles are still home - we just didn't have to get up as early nor prepare for in-home therapists for Little Miss to arrive. So, I'm taking some time to get into a more regular routine of my own regarding my own self-improvement and reflection.

Maybe I will use one of my journals to record what we are experiencing in today's world. However, this is also Lent so I do have Lenten reading to catch up on. It's probably time to start making more rosaries (if my hands will permit) and to return to my studies on saints. I discovered some Korean library books at our last visit - some are children's picture books - so I am seriously setting aside time every day to actively study. I truly would like to become fluent this year so that I can look forward to traveling to South Korea in the near future.

So, extra study time and prayer time are both on the docket! 

However, this could also be some good "play" time with the kiddos!  Board games, puzzles, books, and my trains could all possibly come out of storage and we could make some good memories! Yesterday, we took a nice walk around the neighborhood - it was chilly but bright and sunny.  We only have one neighboring family and we didn't see them out and about at all.

Praying for friends and family - and their safety.  Peace. Annyeonghaseyo!

Journals

I have some lovely ones! However, I don't use them the way that most people do. If I ever write something down that could be painful for someone else to read after my death, then I destroy it. I might let it sit for a few days but not for long - too afraid of hurting anyone.

I could use the excuse of what happened at my grandmother's 100th birthday party as a justification but I was already destroying diaries and journals long before then. Ah, what happened at her birthday? My aunt had put all of my grandmother's journals on display and my siblings had a lovely time reading about me - and the falsehoods that my father had told my grandmother in order to make himself sound good (and pitiful).  That stung. I never read the passages myself because I didn't want to suddenly hate my own grandmother - and, besides, I knew that it was lies that my dad had told - she was just recording what she knew.

My childhood diaries were destroyed before I got married. Some of what was written in them was made up anyway since I discovered that my mother was reading my diary when I was in high school. I'm anal - I place things in certain ways when I display my treasures. My mother always moved them. The icing on the cake was the time that I came home and discovered my mother and one of her friends lying across my bunk bed and listening to my records. I don't like that kind of invasion of privacy.

I'm also extremely protective because of what I suffered throughout my childhood. Let's just say that I finally received a diagnosis of PTSD when I was in my 30s because of it.

And, later, much much much later, when I discovered what my husband was doing on the internet, I first collected all of the evidence. It filled a huge folder. After the civil divorce (we are still married  in the eyes of the Church), I saw no point in keeping any of it. What did I want to prove - and to whom??? That I was wronged? Well, yes, I was - but does anyone need to know the details? And, well, there's always that possibility that I could die leaving stuff like that around.

What's frustrating about all of this is that I have never felt "safe" enough to write and keep details and thoughts of my life. I would love to record and analyze and feel as though I've learned something about myself - or just to pass on memories (although I'm forgetting them) - but I can't bring myself to do it. What do I want in this life? Well, heck, I don't know and you won't find any lists about it either.

You'll find lists of names and their meanings that I love, genealogy information,  of books that I've read and enjoyed (or still want to someday own), of shows and movies that speak to me, of favorite singers and actors, saints and prayers, etc. I can write things like that. Of my studies, whether it's biology, or language, or math, etc. - I write and re-write. I actually love to write.

I used to say that I had a book in me. I'm not so sure about that anymore. I do however have my words published anonymously in a book. So that's something. Even one of my poems was printed in one of my yearbooks - you'll never guess which one - and it was unsigned. Only two people know that it's mine.

Journals - I keep lists and addresses and birthdays. Everything else just reverberates in my head and I rarely share those thoughts with anyone. My brain is a daily cacophony of noise and conversation that no one will ever hear or know.

And there you have it. That's me. Which reminds me, I should sift through more of my journals and lists to see what else I should be sure to destroy.

Dreams and stress

For the first time that I can ever remember, I dreamt about my stepfather this afternoon. He was standing straight and tall once again -- not in a wheelchair or hooked up to oxygen. He was building a house - I was there with a little one (mine or a grandchild?) - I don't know. However, we I were in a large room with lots of lights on the walls (54?) and, at one end, a fast food counter had just been installed (and staffed!). I remember that we were ordering cheeseburgers and fries right before I woke up.

I woke up so disoriented - and in pain. I had been been suffering from stomach cramps since my migraine last night. I wasn't feeling hungry - but it did get much worse when it was time to eat throughout the day. Finally decided to drink a beer with dinner - guess what?? - my stomach is feeling so much better. Drinking another beer while I catch up on some K-dramas this evening.

Stress. What's my next move? What do I do? I feel so incompetent nowadays.

Memories of Ireland

I really feel as though I should be writing about our adventures in Ireland. I loved the country. I truly enjoyed Dublin, Kilkenny, and Galway. It was green - so beautifully green.

And there were tastes that were distinctly Ireland: black and black (Guinness and black currant juice), egg and mayo sandwiches, roasted tomatoes for breakfast, and even Irish cole slaw tasted better than American (and I'm very picky!). There were disappointing tastes also - too many onions in the potatoes, boiled cabbage, smashed peas under some fish and chips, etc.  Although we did finally find some excellent fish and chips - where was that??? I did find that I should always go with the beef when in doubt - the lamb was okay but not great. So, apparently, I like a lot more Korean food than I do Irish food but I loved the atmosphere.

Churches, Abbeys, Cathedrals, Shrines, ruins of churches. Loved them all. We went to mass whenever we could - that is something that I have never done on vacation before and I loved it! Emotional. Very emotional. Can't explain all of that. I converted before I got married - but I was already being called to Catholicism during my college years. Bought my first rosary (Connemara marble from Ireland) during my freshman year. Also bought my first saint's medal, St. Patrick and St. Brigid. Double-sided. So, with Presbyterian heritage, raised as an orangeman, walking into the Catholic churches, I felt so much that I had come home. I cried over the Memory Gardens, the bullet holes in the Post Office, and over the thought of Cromwell using the churches as stables for his horses. Were the Kennedys who left Dublin Catholic??? I don't know - but I'd like to think that they were. I wouldn't even go to St. Patrick's but we did go to St. Mary's Pro-Tem. It was overwhelming. I think I was silent about much of this as I soaked it all in. Very difficult to explain to daughters who were born and raised Catholic. As were the Catholic penal laws.

Yes, I know my Irish history. Started singing Irish revolutionary songs all the time in college - sang them previously throughout my high school years - just thought of them as pub songs then - because I was a fan of the Irish Rovers (ever since Cimmarron Strip). Have studied Irish folklore and heritage for as long as I can remember. It was the novel Trinity by Leon Uris that really was eye-opening as I read it along with my materials for my Russian history class. The Orangemen had their own version of pogroms - marching through Catholic neighborhoods and then destroying what they could. Checkout the Catholic penal laws! You will cry.

Our last hotel was delightful! It had a hidden treasure in the basement - a pub with live traditional music!! It was heavenly - what a way to end our visit. So much more to write and savor. Later.