So, my husband has applied for a marriage license. It doesn't matter when he actually makes use of it. The fact is - he is in a relationship - just not with me.
The cruelest blow is that for the rest of my life I cannot be in a relationship with another man. Why? Because I will still be married. It doesn't matter that the Church says it - it matters that I also believe it. Deep down in my very being, to the depths of my soul - "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder". I underlined that passage when I was a child and my father left my mother. I felt then that a great sin was being committed and I was raised Presbyterian, not Catholic.
People seem to forget that I am a very "touchy, feely" kind-of person. I like romance and I like physical touch. My husband used to be very attentive in those areas - that's one reason I fell in love with him to begin with and I thought we were happy for so many years. He even said that he was happy for the first 27 years of our marriage while I thought it was more like 30....
Now, he has taken everything away. Not only do I have to grieve over the "death" of our marriage but I have to grieve over the fact that I will never have another relationship again. In essence, I have been celibate now for several years and that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. It was different when I was a young girl and I was looking towards the future and waiting for a husband - now, I just feel tossed aside. I was always more passionate than he was - yet,.....
Okay, God, I guess you really are trying to turn me into a saint here. St. Helena and Our Holy Mother Mary have become my role models. Pray for me.
“Let us tenderly and kindly cherish therefore, the means of knowledge. Let us dare to read, think, speak, and write.” ― John Adams
Friday, September 26, 2014
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
I have....Goals!
Wow! Life is finally getting back on track. I have been in the dark valley for so long that it is nice to be coming back out into the sunlight! It feels as though I have a future to look forward to and plans to make.
Things I accomplished today:
I had an incredible Math class with my online students. They are so eager to learn and happy when they understand - and thankful! They think that I am the "best" math teacher ever! And, it isn't just with that one class - I have seven more classes that I am just as thankful to be teaching. I didn't think that I ever wanted to teach again after that last year in school when I was so bullied by the administration and was suffering through so much stress both personally and professionally that I had to take a medical leave of absence. Now, I am re-discovering the joy that I always had in working with "my" students.
Three wonderful friends, who are as dear to me as my own family, came over and helped me take care of things in the house, yard, garage, and driveway so that I could start preparing, once again, to get this house on the market. It was halted due to the garage fire and SO many things had to be stored back in the house and on the back porch! Now, it is manageable once again and I can look forward to getting this house signed with the realtor by this weekend.
At the end of last week, I was able to return to designing and making rosaries. I completed one in time to send it to an event for my daughter. She texted me this evening to let me know a description of the person who had "won" my rosary. My hands no longer hurt to the point of being unable to work on this craft. Wonderful news!
I think that I have found my house and my neighborhood in the community that I want to move to after I sell this house. My big brother is going to check them out for me. It is great to be able to visualize myself in a new place!
In addition, I have been able to return to my old familiar schedule at Mass - even attending adult education! My church family is rallying around me - supporting me, letting me know that they missed me, and even "protecting" me.
This summer, with my husband bringing his overseas girlfriend to town, was an extremely hurtful time for me which God filled with family times for me. He also reminded me that I can do this - I can live without a man in my life because I have all the love that I need through Him and with my children and grandchildren - and the rest of my family and friends.
He even sent, for a short while, a male friend to tell me that I was beautiful. But, sadly, I can no longer even look upon my husband. He doesn't make me fall apart anymore but he killed something deep inside and I cannot bear to be around him. I guess that is part of God's plan in preparing me to move out of my home. I no longer want to be here. Period. Time to move on. Jack, Honey, and I are ready to go.
I have my job to do, trips to plan, children and grandchildren to enjoy, and languages to learn! Life is definitely not over - I am starting anew.
Things I accomplished today:
I had an incredible Math class with my online students. They are so eager to learn and happy when they understand - and thankful! They think that I am the "best" math teacher ever! And, it isn't just with that one class - I have seven more classes that I am just as thankful to be teaching. I didn't think that I ever wanted to teach again after that last year in school when I was so bullied by the administration and was suffering through so much stress both personally and professionally that I had to take a medical leave of absence. Now, I am re-discovering the joy that I always had in working with "my" students.
Three wonderful friends, who are as dear to me as my own family, came over and helped me take care of things in the house, yard, garage, and driveway so that I could start preparing, once again, to get this house on the market. It was halted due to the garage fire and SO many things had to be stored back in the house and on the back porch! Now, it is manageable once again and I can look forward to getting this house signed with the realtor by this weekend.
At the end of last week, I was able to return to designing and making rosaries. I completed one in time to send it to an event for my daughter. She texted me this evening to let me know a description of the person who had "won" my rosary. My hands no longer hurt to the point of being unable to work on this craft. Wonderful news!
I think that I have found my house and my neighborhood in the community that I want to move to after I sell this house. My big brother is going to check them out for me. It is great to be able to visualize myself in a new place!
In addition, I have been able to return to my old familiar schedule at Mass - even attending adult education! My church family is rallying around me - supporting me, letting me know that they missed me, and even "protecting" me.
This summer, with my husband bringing his overseas girlfriend to town, was an extremely hurtful time for me which God filled with family times for me. He also reminded me that I can do this - I can live without a man in my life because I have all the love that I need through Him and with my children and grandchildren - and the rest of my family and friends.
He even sent, for a short while, a male friend to tell me that I was beautiful. But, sadly, I can no longer even look upon my husband. He doesn't make me fall apart anymore but he killed something deep inside and I cannot bear to be around him. I guess that is part of God's plan in preparing me to move out of my home. I no longer want to be here. Period. Time to move on. Jack, Honey, and I are ready to go.
I have my job to do, trips to plan, children and grandchildren to enjoy, and languages to learn! Life is definitely not over - I am starting anew.
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