The Cruelest Blow

So, my husband has applied for a marriage license. It doesn't matter when he actually makes use of it. The fact is - he is in a relationship - just not with me.

The cruelest blow is that for the rest of my life I cannot be in a relationship with another man. Why? Because I will still be married. It doesn't matter that the Church says it - it matters that I also believe it. Deep down in my very being, to the depths of my soul - "What God has joined together, let not man put asunder". I underlined that passage when I was a child and my father left my mother.  I felt then that a great sin was being committed and I was raised Presbyterian, not Catholic.

People seem to forget that I am a very "touchy, feely" kind-of person. I like romance and I like physical touch. My husband used to be very attentive in those areas - that's one reason I fell in love with him to begin with and I thought we were happy for so many years. He even said that he was happy for the first 27 years of our marriage while I thought it was more like 30....

Now, he has taken everything away. Not only do I have to grieve over the "death" of our marriage but I have to grieve over the fact that I will never have another relationship again. In essence, I have been celibate now for several years and that's what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life. It was different when I was a young girl and I was looking towards the future and waiting for a husband - now, I just feel tossed aside. I was always more passionate than he was - yet,.....

Okay, God, I guess you really are trying to turn me into a saint here. St. Helena and Our Holy Mother Mary have become my role models. Pray for me.