Jun. K of 2PM
Another song that speaks to me....
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
I am stifled...
My mother is here. Everything comes to a screeching halt. Seriously, she is fussing at me for having some items on the sideboard - she wants to put them "away" - and the guest room is strewn with her clutter (makes me cringe inside every time I see it!).
I cannot do projects while she is here. It is a constant - "well, can't you call someone else to come in and do that?" No, I can't. I don't have that kind of money. It's my project - I'll do it once you are gone!
Why can't I enjoy this visit? Why do I feel so "invaded"?? I truly don't know - unless it's the constant questions, "Where did you get that?" "I'm curious as to why you have that there?" "What is that on your calendar? What does it mean?" etc., etc., etc. I won't go into every little detail - even picking up my mail and looking on the outside to see who it's from and then asking me who they are?
She wants me to go out and socialize (with whom?). And, of course, to get rid of my "Korean fantasy world". I haven't been able to dance once since she has been here. Yes, I listen to my music all the time - it helps me breathe.
Finally, the sun is shining and the weather is getting just a little warmer. But I can't sand floors or paint while she is here. I even need to run the carpet cleaner but that's the room she spread all of her papers out on the table on ever since the first night here. Yes, that clutter bothers me in the dining room.
She wants me to totally clean off the sunporch but she also brought boxes and coolers full of food - put them out there and drew in the ants. Been fighting them now for a few days. What did she do to get rid of them? Poured water all over my floor!!!!!!!! I went out there and almost yelled at Jack - thought he had "gone" in the house. When I started mopping it up, then she insisted that she had cleaned it all up and that it was dry. Far from it! I asked her not to go pouring water on my floors - so I sprayed in there. She then moved all those things to the kitchen table - next thing you know - my kitchen is crawling with ants.
Like I said, I cannot "do" any of my projects while she is here. If I disappear for awhile in the house, then she starts screaming for me (and she can't hear my response) so she just screams louder. Again, how can I close myself off and attend to projects when I can't close myself off in the study to work?
I have been totally lectured on how I should be on supplements all week long - and can she start mailing me the things that she takes???
Yes, I am retreating into my "Korean fantasy world" - I can't cope. I am raging inside. The things that she wants to focus on for preparing my house for showings....I am SO stressed.
Why does my mother do this to me? If I hear one more time about how she needs to go pick up the sticks in my yard....And then what? That means I would have to load up my van and haul them all to the dump. I personally don't want to deal with that at the moment. It creates more work for me. No, I can't pay someone to come pick it up and haul it away. (her current response to everything - can she pay someone to sand my floors, to paint the bathroom, to clean my house??). NO! Just let me deal with it after you are gone....
Time to go prepare for class. Another one of my escapes.
I pray that I don't do this to my children. Truly.
I cannot do projects while she is here. It is a constant - "well, can't you call someone else to come in and do that?" No, I can't. I don't have that kind of money. It's my project - I'll do it once you are gone!
Why can't I enjoy this visit? Why do I feel so "invaded"?? I truly don't know - unless it's the constant questions, "Where did you get that?" "I'm curious as to why you have that there?" "What is that on your calendar? What does it mean?" etc., etc., etc. I won't go into every little detail - even picking up my mail and looking on the outside to see who it's from and then asking me who they are?
She wants me to go out and socialize (with whom?). And, of course, to get rid of my "Korean fantasy world". I haven't been able to dance once since she has been here. Yes, I listen to my music all the time - it helps me breathe.
Finally, the sun is shining and the weather is getting just a little warmer. But I can't sand floors or paint while she is here. I even need to run the carpet cleaner but that's the room she spread all of her papers out on the table on ever since the first night here. Yes, that clutter bothers me in the dining room.
She wants me to totally clean off the sunporch but she also brought boxes and coolers full of food - put them out there and drew in the ants. Been fighting them now for a few days. What did she do to get rid of them? Poured water all over my floor!!!!!!!! I went out there and almost yelled at Jack - thought he had "gone" in the house. When I started mopping it up, then she insisted that she had cleaned it all up and that it was dry. Far from it! I asked her not to go pouring water on my floors - so I sprayed in there. She then moved all those things to the kitchen table - next thing you know - my kitchen is crawling with ants.
Like I said, I cannot "do" any of my projects while she is here. If I disappear for awhile in the house, then she starts screaming for me (and she can't hear my response) so she just screams louder. Again, how can I close myself off and attend to projects when I can't close myself off in the study to work?
I have been totally lectured on how I should be on supplements all week long - and can she start mailing me the things that she takes???
Yes, I am retreating into my "Korean fantasy world" - I can't cope. I am raging inside. The things that she wants to focus on for preparing my house for showings....I am SO stressed.
Why does my mother do this to me? If I hear one more time about how she needs to go pick up the sticks in my yard....And then what? That means I would have to load up my van and haul them all to the dump. I personally don't want to deal with that at the moment. It creates more work for me. No, I can't pay someone to come pick it up and haul it away. (her current response to everything - can she pay someone to sand my floors, to paint the bathroom, to clean my house??). NO! Just let me deal with it after you are gone....
Time to go prepare for class. Another one of my escapes.
I pray that I don't do this to my children. Truly.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
My Grammie and I ....
My Grammie and I had a very interesting relationship throughout the years. I was always a bit afraid of her. She firmly believed that children should be seen and not heard - so, as long as we weren't noisy I guess she didn't mind being around us. Of course, that meant that we should also spend most of the hours at her house playing outside and remaining out from underfoot.
She definitely preferred the boys - my big brother and my cousin Sam were her two favorites out of all of us. I didn't know my Granddaddy - my brother holds all of his memories - as my Granddaddy was gone by the time I was 2 years old. I must not have been around him that much because I remember my Great-Uncle Charlie and I had to have formed those memories around the same age that my Granddaddy would have still been alive. So, for me, Grammie was always alone. I once asked her why she never remarried after he had died while they were in their 50s and she told me that once you've had the best there is no desire to look elsewhere. My Grammie lived another 50 years after she was left alone. (Yes, she was over 100 and had lived in three centuries when she passed away).
Maybe that's why I've been thinking of her so much recently. My birthday is fast approaching. I'm older than my grandfather was when he passed away. A brain aneurism took him quickly - he never knew what hit him. One moment he was on vacation sitting on the front porch visiting family and the next moment he had keeled over - dead. My big brother adored him - my grandmother adored him - and so did my father - so I guess he was one pretty awesome guy.
So, I am forced to look at my life and think - wow, I could live another 50 years and never be able to experience the love of a good man again. Those kinds of thoughts have to be pushed aside - so that I don't focus on them and become depressed and/or bitter. I have to look at my beautiful children and grandchildren. And, I have to be the kind of Grammie who isn't scary like my old "German bulldog" of a Grammie. She liked me when I was reading poetry or working on genealogy records - other than that I never felt as though I garnished much of her attention.
After all, she is the force who dictated that no one on my father's side of the family would be allowed to attend my wedding in the Catholic church - and they all listened - including my cousins who happened to live in the same city. So, it was monumental when she actually pulled me aside one day and told me that I was "doing it right" in reference to my parenting skills. I think that is probably the last compliment that I ever received from her - if not the only one that I received during my adult years.
Despite my fear of her, one truly had to admire my Grammie. She was in the first graduating class of the School of Nursing at the University of Cincinnati - and she went back to nursing when my Granddaddy left her alone at a relatively "young" age. When she passed away, even though she had lost her eyesight, my Grammie still had full mental faculties. She had a mind like a steel trap, that never forgot anything. She was once a church organist and she always sang in her church choir - all the way up into her 90s.
She was raised bilingual - with her parents being the ones to come to America in the 1880s. The only German phrase that I heard growing up and remembered was "Das ist verboten"! (That is forbidden!). My dad taught me Spanish when I was five years old instead of German. (He had bad memories of his great-grandmother living with them and hitting him with a cane every time he spoke English in the house - he stopped speaking German when she passed away the year that he was 12 - and then he picked it back up again in his 60s).
What a strange background that I came from. Of course, I was distanced from my Grammie over the years because of my Dad's divorces and remarriages. My other grandmother had passed away when I was three and a half years old and she left me with many wonderful memories of playtime and cooking time with her. She was a teacher and loved being around children - in fact, I felt as though she totally doted on me and that her love made up for the lack of love that I felt from my Grammie. Which may make you wonder, why did I decide to be called Grammie by my grandbabies instead of Dear Ma - like my grandmother and my mother chose?
Mainly because, in my mind, there was truly only one Dear Ma in this world. It blew me away when my mother requested to be called that - it just didn't seem right in my mind (not that I ever went against my mother's request). Also, my mother-in-law was another German Grammie - and she was such a warm, playful, loving grandmother (who never played favorites among her grandchildren) that I wanted to be a lot like her.
My Grammie and I both loved poetry, science, and genealogy. I was told that the reason we probably always butted heads was because we were a lot alike. Personally, I was never sure about that one but I do look like her and I will never forget her great words of wisdom: "after a good meal, there is always room for cheesecake".
She definitely preferred the boys - my big brother and my cousin Sam were her two favorites out of all of us. I didn't know my Granddaddy - my brother holds all of his memories - as my Granddaddy was gone by the time I was 2 years old. I must not have been around him that much because I remember my Great-Uncle Charlie and I had to have formed those memories around the same age that my Granddaddy would have still been alive. So, for me, Grammie was always alone. I once asked her why she never remarried after he had died while they were in their 50s and she told me that once you've had the best there is no desire to look elsewhere. My Grammie lived another 50 years after she was left alone. (Yes, she was over 100 and had lived in three centuries when she passed away).
Maybe that's why I've been thinking of her so much recently. My birthday is fast approaching. I'm older than my grandfather was when he passed away. A brain aneurism took him quickly - he never knew what hit him. One moment he was on vacation sitting on the front porch visiting family and the next moment he had keeled over - dead. My big brother adored him - my grandmother adored him - and so did my father - so I guess he was one pretty awesome guy.
So, I am forced to look at my life and think - wow, I could live another 50 years and never be able to experience the love of a good man again. Those kinds of thoughts have to be pushed aside - so that I don't focus on them and become depressed and/or bitter. I have to look at my beautiful children and grandchildren. And, I have to be the kind of Grammie who isn't scary like my old "German bulldog" of a Grammie. She liked me when I was reading poetry or working on genealogy records - other than that I never felt as though I garnished much of her attention.
After all, she is the force who dictated that no one on my father's side of the family would be allowed to attend my wedding in the Catholic church - and they all listened - including my cousins who happened to live in the same city. So, it was monumental when she actually pulled me aside one day and told me that I was "doing it right" in reference to my parenting skills. I think that is probably the last compliment that I ever received from her - if not the only one that I received during my adult years.
Despite my fear of her, one truly had to admire my Grammie. She was in the first graduating class of the School of Nursing at the University of Cincinnati - and she went back to nursing when my Granddaddy left her alone at a relatively "young" age. When she passed away, even though she had lost her eyesight, my Grammie still had full mental faculties. She had a mind like a steel trap, that never forgot anything. She was once a church organist and she always sang in her church choir - all the way up into her 90s.
She was raised bilingual - with her parents being the ones to come to America in the 1880s. The only German phrase that I heard growing up and remembered was "Das ist verboten"! (That is forbidden!). My dad taught me Spanish when I was five years old instead of German. (He had bad memories of his great-grandmother living with them and hitting him with a cane every time he spoke English in the house - he stopped speaking German when she passed away the year that he was 12 - and then he picked it back up again in his 60s).
What a strange background that I came from. Of course, I was distanced from my Grammie over the years because of my Dad's divorces and remarriages. My other grandmother had passed away when I was three and a half years old and she left me with many wonderful memories of playtime and cooking time with her. She was a teacher and loved being around children - in fact, I felt as though she totally doted on me and that her love made up for the lack of love that I felt from my Grammie. Which may make you wonder, why did I decide to be called Grammie by my grandbabies instead of Dear Ma - like my grandmother and my mother chose?
Mainly because, in my mind, there was truly only one Dear Ma in this world. It blew me away when my mother requested to be called that - it just didn't seem right in my mind (not that I ever went against my mother's request). Also, my mother-in-law was another German Grammie - and she was such a warm, playful, loving grandmother (who never played favorites among her grandchildren) that I wanted to be a lot like her.
My Grammie and I both loved poetry, science, and genealogy. I was told that the reason we probably always butted heads was because we were a lot alike. Personally, I was never sure about that one but I do look like her and I will never forget her great words of wisdom: "after a good meal, there is always room for cheesecake".
Sunday, April 12, 2015
My heart hurts....
I'll admit it. I am having a really, really tough weekend.
He came over today to take care of some things here at the house. He was over here yesterday, too. Both times I had seemingly very comfortable conversations. Afterwards, the tears don't stop. Not like when you are uncontrollably sobbing - but more like your eyes just can't stop "leaking".
It certainly doesn't help that today is grey and overcast (I am very affected by weather - can handle things much better when the sun shines brightly). I need to get everything fixed here at the house - and put it back into "spotless" mode. This house needs to sell soon - this state really isn't big enough for the two of us anymore.
I also need to get EVERYTHING completed for my applications to jobs in another state. I will move first if I get a job elsewhere - and leave the house behind for the moment.
As I said, my heart hurts....memories are strong as I clean out, throw away, re-decorate. In the meantime, I will put on a brave face, smile, and act like nothing is going on.... I will focus on images like this of Jonghyun's smile (which even makes me smile through my tears as it is one that "brightens up the world").
He came over today to take care of some things here at the house. He was over here yesterday, too. Both times I had seemingly very comfortable conversations. Afterwards, the tears don't stop. Not like when you are uncontrollably sobbing - but more like your eyes just can't stop "leaking".
It certainly doesn't help that today is grey and overcast (I am very affected by weather - can handle things much better when the sun shines brightly). I need to get everything fixed here at the house - and put it back into "spotless" mode. This house needs to sell soon - this state really isn't big enough for the two of us anymore.
I also need to get EVERYTHING completed for my applications to jobs in another state. I will move first if I get a job elsewhere - and leave the house behind for the moment.
As I said, my heart hurts....memories are strong as I clean out, throw away, re-decorate. In the meantime, I will put on a brave face, smile, and act like nothing is going on.... I will focus on images like this of Jonghyun's smile (which even makes me smile through my tears as it is one that "brightens up the world").
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