I "need" my Grammie...

For the first time in my life, I feel as though I truly "need" my Grammie. There is absolutely no one around me who understands and feels what I am feeling.

Where are the Catholics who feel as though their marriages were sacramental? Absolutely everyone who is divorced and Catholic who I have spoken/communicated with seems to believe that an annulment and someone else is in their future. My mind is blown. My heart is hurting.

The only person that seems to come close to my way of thinking is my Grammie and she passed away about a dozen years ago now. We were never close. She scared me. However, we did have some rare moments that are fresh in my memory as though they were yesterday.

So, back in my senior year of Grinnell,  I asked my Grammie why she had never dated/re-married after Granddaddy had passed away. Her response was classic: "When you've already had the best, you don't look for anyone else". She was close to 60 when he died so suddenly. And she returned to a career in nursing.

Where is someone who believes truly in their vows? Where is someone who felt that they had a sacramental marriage? (Don't point out the ones who are still married).  My grandmother was a staunch Presbyterian but she believed so strongly in her vows that she always commemorated their wedding anniversary - even 40+ years after Granddaddy was gone. And she truly believed that he was waiting for her.

Why does no one else understand that I took vows that I cannot break? That I was already married to the love of my life? That I am not looking towards another man in my future - ever. Yes, I truly miss experiencing that love and companionship but a promise is a promise is a promise - and vows are so much stronger than that! They are made in accord with God himself. You aren't just breaking a promise to your spouse but to God as well! Does no one else get this? Why is everyone looking for a "loophole"????? Because it's easier???

Yes, I "fangirl" - that doesn't mean one bit that I am looking for anyone else. I've always had "stars" that I admired and followed - I just can't follow any of the "conventional" ones anymore because they all remind me of my husband - all the music, concerts, movies, shows that we shared. Doesn't anyone else get that all of those reminders hurt????  I am doing the absolute best that I can to look "forward". I don't fantasize about others - I never did - much to the distaste of my husband - for I never wanted to "role play" (I know, TMI but true story). Why? Because I had all that I needed with him. He made my nightmares go away - and he brought them back again.

One stupid piece of paper - and legal "decree" - doesn't break the vows and the bonds that are made before God. He is still my husband - whether or not he wants to believe it, act it, etc. And all that he does still hurts me tremendously. It cuts my soul like a knife every time I see him, talk to him, think of him. Breathe, just breathe. Concentrate. Learn something new. Act as if all is well. Pray, pray hard. Saint Helena, pray for me. Help me find a way to carry my cross - and do it well.

Storms

Today is the 35th anniversary of when I met my husband.

Thankfully, it is also the feast day of St. Benedict. So, I spent the last hour and a half of the day with Jesus (at the Adoration Chapel). I noticed it was beginning to sprinkle when I left the church parking lot - now it is a full-blown storm. This is another one of those times when I feel as though God is crying with me.

This is the time in my life where I need to think monastically. How can I live the Benedictine rule? Are my dreams and desires in alignment with God's will? Where do I go from here?

Good thing I napped earlier in the evening. Not sleeping anytime soon with all this thunder and lightning.

The second shoe - it dropped!

So I grew up with kind of a saying in my household: "waiting for the second shoe to drop". Apparently, my great-grandfather had a way of letting my mother know that her "company" was staying too late - he would be upstairs and drop a shoe....that was a warning and so my mother would hurry up to shoo off her company before the second shoe dropped (because that wasn't going to be good!). It had that meaning in our household, that even if something good had happened, there was that anticipation that the second shoe was going to drop (and it wasn't something you wanted to hear!).

Over the past several years, I have been "trained" to expect that "second shoe" whenever he is being extremely nice to me. It's a total set-up. I fall for it every time, even when I know it's coming, and then he drops the second shoe. Today, that second shoe dropped once again. I was fully anticipating it but it came with a curve ball. She has been "in country" since he bought the new house - living with him. Furthermore,  "she" is both people that I had accused her of being - having at least three different Facebook names when I first discovered all of "them". Of course, he denied it at the time and he was furious that I had offended her by sending her a message to leave my husband alone. He told me that she wasn't the same person. (Can't even express how much it hurt to have my husband defend his "honeys" from his wife of 30 years). I have someone now who can point to that picture (attached to that other name) and say "yes, she is definitely the one who was with him on Saturday night".

In addition, he took her to an event that I "almost" went to - it would have been devastating. God made sure that didn't happen by having my baby call me and speak to me for about two hours. I was seriously re-considering my earlier decision of not going out that night (since it was our 34th anniversary and I was having a tough time). So glad that I didn't go.

Breathe. Just breathe. And this is the song I'm hearing in my head:

Just rambling and ranting....

So, I'm not very happy with the Supreme Court and their recent decisions. Grateful there were some eloquent dissenting opinions. What can I say? Our government has now reduced "marriage" by definition to "just" mean a civil union. How to distinguish? Refer to it as Holy Matrimony when conducted in the Church. And, I'm not going to argue it with anyone - I have very strong visceral reactions and know that I feel deeply that even though I have a civil divorce, I am still married - because the Church says so. Not looking for a debate - just stating facts. (You're not going to see me do anything contrary to my wedding vows anytime soon. )

However, you are going to see me move far, far away. My husband has brought "her" back from overseas - bought a house - and I just can't deal with it. Since I can't go home to Tara, I will just send myself elsewhere. I'm fighting back the only way that I know how as to not "drown" in my depression, PTSD, and panic/anxiety attacks. Adoration and praying the rosary definitely helps but I need a "new adventure" to keep me sane. Good days/bad days - but I'm having more good days at this time. Summertime/sunshine definitely helps -  I like warmth and bright, happy days. (Time to go South).

Music. Music has always spoken to me. Give me Air1 or K-pop - both are healing and soothing to my soul. Had a friend call me a "Seoul woman" the other day - cute play on words. Eventually, I will get there - of course, I'm planning on Ireland first with my girls. Have some shrines that I truly want to visit....then later I'll go see the "idols" (haha!).

Finally told my mother to back off on trying to get me a job at an Episcopal school. I told her that the only religious schools that I could work at would be Catholic. We differ too much theologically these days. Wouldn't be comfortable there. Would rather be in a secular public school.

On a "high" note, the last couple of nights I dreamt in Korean. Realized the other day that I'm beginning to understand the words to the songs that I've been listening to every day. Should be able to progress more rapidly now.

My latest "favorite" song that 2PM just released: My House (by Jun.K)