I "need" my Grammie...

For the first time in my life, I feel as though I truly "need" my Grammie. There is absolutely no one around me who understands and feels what I am feeling.

Where are the Catholics who feel as though their marriages were sacramental? Absolutely everyone who is divorced and Catholic who I have spoken/communicated with seems to believe that an annulment and someone else is in their future. My mind is blown. My heart is hurting.

The only person that seems to come close to my way of thinking is my Grammie and she passed away about a dozen years ago now. We were never close. She scared me. However, we did have some rare moments that are fresh in my memory as though they were yesterday.

So, back in my senior year of Grinnell,  I asked my Grammie why she had never dated/re-married after Granddaddy had passed away. Her response was classic: "When you've already had the best, you don't look for anyone else". She was close to 60 when he died so suddenly. And she returned to a career in nursing.

Where is someone who believes truly in their vows? Where is someone who felt that they had a sacramental marriage? (Don't point out the ones who are still married).  My grandmother was a staunch Presbyterian but she believed so strongly in her vows that she always commemorated their wedding anniversary - even 40+ years after Granddaddy was gone. And she truly believed that he was waiting for her.

Why does no one else understand that I took vows that I cannot break? That I was already married to the love of my life? That I am not looking towards another man in my future - ever. Yes, I truly miss experiencing that love and companionship but a promise is a promise is a promise - and vows are so much stronger than that! They are made in accord with God himself. You aren't just breaking a promise to your spouse but to God as well! Does no one else get this? Why is everyone looking for a "loophole"????? Because it's easier???

Yes, I "fangirl" - that doesn't mean one bit that I am looking for anyone else. I've always had "stars" that I admired and followed - I just can't follow any of the "conventional" ones anymore because they all remind me of my husband - all the music, concerts, movies, shows that we shared. Doesn't anyone else get that all of those reminders hurt????  I am doing the absolute best that I can to look "forward". I don't fantasize about others - I never did - much to the distaste of my husband - for I never wanted to "role play" (I know, TMI but true story). Why? Because I had all that I needed with him. He made my nightmares go away - and he brought them back again.

One stupid piece of paper - and legal "decree" - doesn't break the vows and the bonds that are made before God. He is still my husband - whether or not he wants to believe it, act it, etc. And all that he does still hurts me tremendously. It cuts my soul like a knife every time I see him, talk to him, think of him. Breathe, just breathe. Concentrate. Learn something new. Act as if all is well. Pray, pray hard. Saint Helena, pray for me. Help me find a way to carry my cross - and do it well.