Time forgets

This video / song has been in my playlist for awhile but I finally was able to read all the words in English. So apropos.

As I prepare to make this giant step of heading to a new place, a new adventure, trusting in God, I cannot help but be haunted by all of my memories.

It hit me hard yesterday when I finally told him that I was leaving. We had one of those normal, civil conversations about our children, moving the piano into the house and the history of it, and what to do about the financial situations that still connect us. I told him that he could reach me at my brother's if he needed and he seemed to dismiss that information quite easily. I seemed so calm and collected and I realized that I was falling for his charm all over again.  Focus, remember what is actually going on (even though he has not imparted any of that information), and let go. Can I say this? I hope that I never have to see him again in my lifetime.

I know in my head that there are future events that we must attend together - I just don't feel as though I can handle it in my heart. It's becoming deadened. I can feel it every time I see him. Close it off, don't think, don't feel, don't say anything about your true feelings. Ah, I've had to be an actress all my life. Here I go again. Breathe, just breathe. Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.