That old MASH episode is re-playing in my head again this past week. I've been trying to go to bed early, use calming techniques, etc. and I still end up having horrible dreams. They used to be frightening dreams (my entire life I've experienced continuous nightmares). R chased them away just by his presence. Now that he is gone, he figures prominently in my dreams - arguments, cold insensitivities, etc. So much so that I have panic attacks before bedtime. Even wake up to panic attacks. Mornings like today are blessings in that I have time to get up slowly, sit still, calm down, and savor my morning coffee. As long as I don't rush, don't panic about daily activities, I can make it through the day with some sense of calm and feeling of accomplishment.
God is sending me signs of encouragement throughout the day - Saturday, I had an elderly gentleman (using a walker) blatantly flirt with me - telling me that I reminded him of a lassie that he left on the banks of Loch Lomond back in 1952/3 - I thanked him for sharing his memory with me and he called out "God bless you" as I entered the pharmacy. Then, after Mass yesterday, I could tell that the lady next to me kept watching me and acted as though she wanted to say something - as we gathered our things to leave, she reached over to touch my arm and she said, "have a blessed week". I thanked her and she left.
Immediately after Mass, I met up with another lady whom I had met the previous week in the parish office - we had brunch together and spent the afternoon in conversation. Originally, we were going to go to the movies, but we talked so long that the times were off for the movies we were interested in seeing. There is a "retreat" in preparation for Lent tonight at church that we are thinking of attending. However, today is my big brother's birthday - I will check in with him regarding plans today.
My gut reaction today is to shut down - I slept in a panic, woke in a panic, am just now calming down. I want to focus on learning something that I want to learn - not on lesson plans or grading papers (which I should do!). Or just clean the apartment....I'm grateful that this is a shortened week. I'll be fine once I have my second cup of coffee....
My head today has one of those congested senses of my "auras" - impending migraine. Something else to divert.
So, let me tell you about the mallards. God knows that I love mallard ducks - one of my favorite childhood books was "Make Way for Ducklings" which Mom and Dad brought back from a trip to Boston that had apparently convinced my dad that he wanted to become a doctor after doing rounds at Mass General with one of his college friends....(Yes, it takes me a long way around to get to the story!).
In the midst of this past week (and all of its stresses), I have enjoyed watching the mallards outside of my apartment (at the retention pond). Somehow, with all the little ducklings that were here when I first moved in, there is now only one little brown female and about a dozen handsome emerald-headed males. They were all chasing after her at the beginning of the week - so intent on winning her over that my presence with the dog had no impact on their activities. The next day, the same thing occurred - she dodged and ran while they chased after her, flapping their wings, strutting their stuff, etc. Then, on the third day, all of the males were swimming in the pond while one tall, handsome young male escorted her around the outskirts of the pond. That is the scene now - she walks with her handsome beau while the others "cool off" in the water. Thank you God for allowing me to see these lovely glimpses of the beauty and order of this world.
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