This past week has been unsettling. I keep dreaming about my husband of the past.
In one, he was the young man who courted me. I even woke up humming a song that I later discovered was one from a music video that I've watched countless times. He came to see me while my little brothers and sister were children - the one thing out of place was that my Dad was with my momma at the time. In real life, my Dad had already walked out when I met my husband. He never met my Dad until after we had been married for several years.
Lie to Me
The follow-up dream was when our girls were little. I can't remember the details any more but I can remember the feelings. I feel as though I am waiting.
Waiting. I mean, I refer to my husband as being a "prodigal" husband - am I truly waiting? Do I somehow deep down really think that he would come home? Ah, but "home" is long gone and I have become a wanderer.
I'm heading to Michigan for the next year - again, to help out with my grandbabies. God has blessed me so much with my daughters, my sons-in-law, and my littles. He knew how much I suffered during the "empty nest" years. My life is being filled back up - hugs from all my little misses and little men are the best (and from my girls).
Ireland was healing. Not just Knock Shrine - the Garden of Remembrance, the General Post office, all the churches and abbeys, sacred ruins and cemeteries, Book of Kells, Galway,Guinness storehouse, the Cliffs of Moher, Glendalough, St. Kieran's church, St. Kevin's cross. Maybe I can capture that in words some day. Maybe the blessing and anointing that I received at the shrine that day is at work. I don't know if my emotions will ever be understood though.
I really do wish I knew more about the only ancestors whom I know sailed from Dublin to the new world. (John Kennedy and his wife, Mary Gibbons). I have so much more information on my Scottish ancestors because they were nobility - much harder to find out about a common person.
I feel as though I should be doing something to capture memories. I seem to be forgetting so much lately.
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Wednesday, August 28, 2019
Forgetfulness
During menopause and the stress of my husband walking out, I forgot a lot of things. I couldn't even remember the word for a dishcloth as I held it in my hand and stared at it.
It's happening again. While we were in Ireland, I couldn't remember my address to ship my item that I had just purchased so I had to look up the apartment complex on line. Right now, I couldn't recall my phone number to answer a question in my Korean class.
I used to tell my students that I didn't drink alcohol that often because I needed all the brain cells that I had. I enjoyed my Guinness with black currant juice while in Ireland. Why am I starting to forget again? Am I getting stressed? Possibly.
However, I'm recalling many things like Russian words and phrases, trying hard to remember my Korean, and I'm dreaming of people that I know or follow (dreamt about my favorite singer and listening to one of his songs the other night). Had nightmares about my husband and his cruel attitude to me before he walked out. And, I dreamt about a dear friend being sick with cancer (as far as I know, she isn't). Everything is vivid.
But I can't recite a phone number. I need the GPS to travel to most places around town - even after living here for almost a year. I'm starting to forget simple words again. I heard a song the other day and recalled all the words to it - despite not having listened to it in years. Am I losing my mind? Years ago, when I worked as a CNA, I was told that in the nursing home I would find that nurses suffer physically (needing wheelchairs, going blind, etc.) while teachers lose their minds (and remain physically fit). That never bothered me until I became a teacher.
It's happening again. While we were in Ireland, I couldn't remember my address to ship my item that I had just purchased so I had to look up the apartment complex on line. Right now, I couldn't recall my phone number to answer a question in my Korean class.
I used to tell my students that I didn't drink alcohol that often because I needed all the brain cells that I had. I enjoyed my Guinness with black currant juice while in Ireland. Why am I starting to forget again? Am I getting stressed? Possibly.
However, I'm recalling many things like Russian words and phrases, trying hard to remember my Korean, and I'm dreaming of people that I know or follow (dreamt about my favorite singer and listening to one of his songs the other night). Had nightmares about my husband and his cruel attitude to me before he walked out. And, I dreamt about a dear friend being sick with cancer (as far as I know, she isn't). Everything is vivid.
But I can't recite a phone number. I need the GPS to travel to most places around town - even after living here for almost a year. I'm starting to forget simple words again. I heard a song the other day and recalled all the words to it - despite not having listened to it in years. Am I losing my mind? Years ago, when I worked as a CNA, I was told that in the nursing home I would find that nurses suffer physically (needing wheelchairs, going blind, etc.) while teachers lose their minds (and remain physically fit). That never bothered me until I became a teacher.
Saturday, June 22, 2019
Bowing out of controversy
Yep, that's me. I don't like confrontation. I've hated it ever since I was little.
Recently, I just had enough with some of my Facebook groups (constant reminder of why I really didn't fit it during my college years) or even losing my "safe place" online because you just can't hear tone of voice through the written word and I was criticized privately by one member. I take those things to heart you all. I know that I shouldn't but I do.
But, you know what the biggest sting of all is? No one noticed. It's like that popular saying " Go ahead and dance in the rain - no one's watching, they're all on their phones". That seems to be so very true.
I miss not being able to be open about prayer requests. I miss little tidbits of people's lives that they don't share on the regular wall but I don't like feeling as though I am a nobody.
And, I'll say it here. All that controversy in the world about Catholicism - well, guess what ? I'm probably as conservative a Catholic as it gets (although I probably wouldn't be labelled a "traddy"). Yep, can't think of a Church teaching or item in the Catechism that I disagree with at all. So, my dear friends, all those things that you think you "hate" about the Catholic Church, even when you aren't Catholic, well, you should just go ahead and "hate" me too, then.
You won't see me posting a lot of that on my wall. I try to post things that make me feel better - not sadder. I don't like debate. I don't like conflict. I'm just trying to create a space in my world to express some of the things that I can't even share with my "best" friends. And, every time I get teased about wearing an item of clothing that promotes a singer/group/team that I like, I just take notice of all the other people out there wearing theirs (like the person older than me wearing a Dave Matthews or Deadhead shirt, the twenty-something wearing Kurt Cobain, etc. ). Does one actually have to stick with an era in music? I think not.
I would totally plaster my wall with my kids and my grandbabies but I don't have those permissions. So there. That leaves my music, dramas, and the Saints as my safe things to post.
try listening to some of my music sometime, try watching a show with me, share what you like - I'll listen to what you have to say
Recently, I just had enough with some of my Facebook groups (constant reminder of why I really didn't fit it during my college years) or even losing my "safe place" online because you just can't hear tone of voice through the written word and I was criticized privately by one member. I take those things to heart you all. I know that I shouldn't but I do.
But, you know what the biggest sting of all is? No one noticed. It's like that popular saying " Go ahead and dance in the rain - no one's watching, they're all on their phones". That seems to be so very true.
I miss not being able to be open about prayer requests. I miss little tidbits of people's lives that they don't share on the regular wall but I don't like feeling as though I am a nobody.
And, I'll say it here. All that controversy in the world about Catholicism - well, guess what ? I'm probably as conservative a Catholic as it gets (although I probably wouldn't be labelled a "traddy"). Yep, can't think of a Church teaching or item in the Catechism that I disagree with at all. So, my dear friends, all those things that you think you "hate" about the Catholic Church, even when you aren't Catholic, well, you should just go ahead and "hate" me too, then.
You won't see me posting a lot of that on my wall. I try to post things that make me feel better - not sadder. I don't like debate. I don't like conflict. I'm just trying to create a space in my world to express some of the things that I can't even share with my "best" friends. And, every time I get teased about wearing an item of clothing that promotes a singer/group/team that I like, I just take notice of all the other people out there wearing theirs (like the person older than me wearing a Dave Matthews or Deadhead shirt, the twenty-something wearing Kurt Cobain, etc. ). Does one actually have to stick with an era in music? I think not.
I would totally plaster my wall with my kids and my grandbabies but I don't have those permissions. So there. That leaves my music, dramas, and the Saints as my safe things to post.
try listening to some of my music sometime, try watching a show with me, share what you like - I'll listen to what you have to say
Friday, June 21, 2019
Choosing Korean Name for oneself
I actually kind of like this one. And, if I switch the last name to Kim, then I would have the name of an actual Korean actress. Pondering this - another suggested way to figure out a name is to study the meanings of the Chinese characters.
Your character's name is: Kwon Jae Hwa
Jae Hwa's Personality:
Big Five Personality Traits: Openness > high; Conscientiousness > low; Extraversion > low; Agreeableness > high; Neuroticism > low. (Myers-Briggs > INFP-A).
Overview:
Jae Hwa is smart, creative, and unconventional. She is also laid-back, disorganised, and non-judgemental. Out of chaos comes genius, but due to her lack of organisation she often has trouble applying her energy and finishing projects. She tends towards radical left and progressive politics.
She is quiet, reserved, and a thinker. She prefers to stay at home rather than go out and make friends. She has a rich inner fantasy life and is a fan of science fiction and fantasy. She is prone to eccentricity.
She prefers to work alone, but because she is disorganised and laid-back this can amplify her difficulty in getting things done.
She is polite, compassionate, and thoughtful. She goes out of her way to help people, and is sympathetic to the plight of people she has little in common with, sometimes to her own disadvantage.
She does not mind a messy environment and is naturally tolerant of the kind of chaos produced by animals and children. She is quiet and does not make friends easily, but she cares deeply for the friends she does make.
She is stable and content. She is often inspired creatively by unusual events and encounters.
She is laid-back about chaotic situations, and often does not care about doing the right thing. She seldom feels guilty about her behaviour.
She is a natural loner, but she is not particularly shy. She can take or leave companionship, and as she is selective in her friendships, sometimes people accuse her of snobbery.
As she is quite positive and stable, she would make a good parent. She is thoughtful and acts as a stabilising force to those around her.
Preferred Jobs:
Poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the performing arts, art curator, playwright, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, environmentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker.
Unlikely Jobs:
Business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, CEO, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker.
Details:
Openness – High. Jae Hwa is smart and creative. She is open to new experiences and tolerant of different types of people. She likes the idea of travelling to exotic places. She is quick-witted and able to think on her feet, and approaches problems from an unconventional point of view. She is an eccentric and a rebel. Her ideas can be too quirky and different and this means that she is prone to failure. She likes alternative culture and has a unique sense of style. She is interested in ideas and blurred lines. She finds radical and extreme beliefs and behaviours attractive.
Conscientiousness – Low. Jae Hwa is laid-back and disorganised. She is better at looking at the big picture, and isn't good at attention to detail. She isn't that concerned about her appearance to others. She likes eating junk food and cake and isn't worried about her diet or going to the gym. She has an untidy home in need of decoration. She tends to spend her money on fun things as soon as she gets it, instead of saving for the future. She isn't a hard worker, and is relaxed about her job. She doesn't judge herself or others. She is undisciplined and often late. She isn't very good at drawing boundaries and doesn't think things through before acting.
Extraversion – Low. Jae Hwa is quiet and reserved. She prefers to stay at home and read books, and is often lost in a fictional world. She likes nature and animals. She spends a lot of time thinking, so when she does talk, she usually says something interesting. While she is independent, she isn't very assertive and tends to withdraw when people cross her personal boundaries. She can struggle to summon enthusiasm, especially regarding social events. She is happy in her own company and copes well with living alone. She gets tired easily and needs to spend time alone to recover. People can assume she is aloof or self-absorbed, though this is not always the case.
Agreeableness – High. Jae Hwa is polite and compassionate. She often puts the needs of others in front of her own needs. She would make a wonderful parent or a nurse. She is able to empathise with others, and has a strong protective streak. Though feelings often drive her, if she is able to take a neutral stance, she can be an effective negotiator between people. Because she values politeness, she can take offense when others are not polite. Sometimes her compassion can be a problem when she directs it towards adults who need to stand on their own two feet. She can do too much for people and smother them with her kindness. She is prone to being manipulated and taken advantage of, because she always wants to help.
Neuroticism – Low. Jae Hwa is emotionally stable and rarely suffers from negative feelings. She is largely content with life and tends to take bad news in her stride. Her ability to cope well makes her a stabilising force for others. Sometimes she can get into trouble because she does not sense danger and assumes she is safer than she really is. She is prone to injuring herself through dares and sporting accidents.
Character created by Name Generator Fun https://www.namegeneratorfun.com/
Another generator gives me Kim Kyon Young which I don't really like the sound of - am going to try that generator one more time - and it came up with Shim Kyon Dae.
And yet another site gave me this name:
Your character's name is: Kwon Jae Hwa
Jae Hwa's Personality:
Big Five Personality Traits: Openness > high; Conscientiousness > low; Extraversion > low; Agreeableness > high; Neuroticism > low. (Myers-Briggs > INFP-A).
Overview:
Jae Hwa is smart, creative, and unconventional. She is also laid-back, disorganised, and non-judgemental. Out of chaos comes genius, but due to her lack of organisation she often has trouble applying her energy and finishing projects. She tends towards radical left and progressive politics.
She is quiet, reserved, and a thinker. She prefers to stay at home rather than go out and make friends. She has a rich inner fantasy life and is a fan of science fiction and fantasy. She is prone to eccentricity.
She prefers to work alone, but because she is disorganised and laid-back this can amplify her difficulty in getting things done.
She is polite, compassionate, and thoughtful. She goes out of her way to help people, and is sympathetic to the plight of people she has little in common with, sometimes to her own disadvantage.
She does not mind a messy environment and is naturally tolerant of the kind of chaos produced by animals and children. She is quiet and does not make friends easily, but she cares deeply for the friends she does make.
She is stable and content. She is often inspired creatively by unusual events and encounters.
She is laid-back about chaotic situations, and often does not care about doing the right thing. She seldom feels guilty about her behaviour.
She is a natural loner, but she is not particularly shy. She can take or leave companionship, and as she is selective in her friendships, sometimes people accuse her of snobbery.
As she is quite positive and stable, she would make a good parent. She is thoughtful and acts as a stabilising force to those around her.
Preferred Jobs:
Poet, painter, freelance artist, musician, writer, art therapist, teacher (art, music, drama), songwriter, art historian, library assistant, composer, work in the performing arts, art curator, playwright, bookseller, cartoonist, video editor, photographer, philosopher, record store owner, digital artist, cinematographer, costume designer, film producer, philosophy professor, librarian, music therapist, environmentalist, movie director, activist, bookstore owner, filmmaker.
Unlikely Jobs:
Business professional, manager, executive, administrator, business owner, supervisor, office manager, business analyst, financial analyst, public relations manager, CEO, executive assistant, judge, event coordinator, lawyer, office worker.
Details:
Openness – High. Jae Hwa is smart and creative. She is open to new experiences and tolerant of different types of people. She likes the idea of travelling to exotic places. She is quick-witted and able to think on her feet, and approaches problems from an unconventional point of view. She is an eccentric and a rebel. Her ideas can be too quirky and different and this means that she is prone to failure. She likes alternative culture and has a unique sense of style. She is interested in ideas and blurred lines. She finds radical and extreme beliefs and behaviours attractive.
Conscientiousness – Low. Jae Hwa is laid-back and disorganised. She is better at looking at the big picture, and isn't good at attention to detail. She isn't that concerned about her appearance to others. She likes eating junk food and cake and isn't worried about her diet or going to the gym. She has an untidy home in need of decoration. She tends to spend her money on fun things as soon as she gets it, instead of saving for the future. She isn't a hard worker, and is relaxed about her job. She doesn't judge herself or others. She is undisciplined and often late. She isn't very good at drawing boundaries and doesn't think things through before acting.
Extraversion – Low. Jae Hwa is quiet and reserved. She prefers to stay at home and read books, and is often lost in a fictional world. She likes nature and animals. She spends a lot of time thinking, so when she does talk, she usually says something interesting. While she is independent, she isn't very assertive and tends to withdraw when people cross her personal boundaries. She can struggle to summon enthusiasm, especially regarding social events. She is happy in her own company and copes well with living alone. She gets tired easily and needs to spend time alone to recover. People can assume she is aloof or self-absorbed, though this is not always the case.
Agreeableness – High. Jae Hwa is polite and compassionate. She often puts the needs of others in front of her own needs. She would make a wonderful parent or a nurse. She is able to empathise with others, and has a strong protective streak. Though feelings often drive her, if she is able to take a neutral stance, she can be an effective negotiator between people. Because she values politeness, she can take offense when others are not polite. Sometimes her compassion can be a problem when she directs it towards adults who need to stand on their own two feet. She can do too much for people and smother them with her kindness. She is prone to being manipulated and taken advantage of, because she always wants to help.
Neuroticism – Low. Jae Hwa is emotionally stable and rarely suffers from negative feelings. She is largely content with life and tends to take bad news in her stride. Her ability to cope well makes her a stabilising force for others. Sometimes she can get into trouble because she does not sense danger and assumes she is safer than she really is. She is prone to injuring herself through dares and sporting accidents.
Character created by Name Generator Fun https://www.namegeneratorfun.com/
Another generator gives me Kim Kyon Young which I don't really like the sound of - am going to try that generator one more time - and it came up with Shim Kyon Dae.
And yet another site gave me this name:
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Thursday, May 30, 2019
Facebook World
Most people don't really pay attention to their number of friends on their social media. I have always noticed when my numbers go down: wondering who I've offended this time or what happened. My daughters try to remind me that some people just deactivate their accounts so not to take it personally. Sometimes I know immediately who has taken me off their friend list, other times I have no clue. I scrolled through my friends today - specifically looking for one to assist another in her pain - and she's gone. Ah, I understand. I'm close friends with others that she has unfriended in the past - I must have said something to remind her of this. I will continue to pray for her - I will continue to cheer her on - but it saddens me that women of faith turn against one another for espousing a slightly different view. We should be united as followers of Christ - specifically among my Catholic friends.
And, it's true, among my list of friends, I see ones who have deactivated their accounts - and others who have passed away (and their children are still posting and monitoring). Why do I not delete these? Because I remember to pray for them when I see their names. I suppose that I should "clean up" my account for the time when I pass away and my daughters are left to notify my Facebook world.
I have many liberal friends and conservative friends: that's how the world is. I would love to insulate myself at times from views that I strongly disagree with but I also think that people are most important. Judging people by their looks? Maybe I do that to some extent but, for the most part, I tend to watch people's behaviors. If I limited my friends to only those who think exactly like I do, then I think that I would have a handful of them left. How sad is that?
I do know that I would be in an entirely different place if my husband had not left. Finding a balance between grief, and honoring vows, accepting reality, being hurt and forgiving - it's hard to do and it's not something that I have been able to achieve. Yes, I can be a bit of an escapist but I was trained to do that years ago. And maybe that's why my husband left. I'm not always the nicest of people. However, I'm loyal. Love isn't broken that easily - you never love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of any flaws. Some people are easier to love than others but that makes them no less deserving of your love. Promises, and vows, are made to be honored and kept. I always tried to make promises that I intended to keep - I wouldn't call it a promise otherwise. I've promised never to speak to someone again - I know that wasn't very nice - but I kept it pretty well. Don't mess with my family. You can hurt me - but don't hurt my family. Promises to love and honor - hard to keep when that person has thrown you away - but that doesn't discount the love that should always have been there.
Maybe someday I'll be that saint. I'm not there yet. However, I have a constant reminder of that love through my daughters and through my grandbabies.
And, it's true, among my list of friends, I see ones who have deactivated their accounts - and others who have passed away (and their children are still posting and monitoring). Why do I not delete these? Because I remember to pray for them when I see their names. I suppose that I should "clean up" my account for the time when I pass away and my daughters are left to notify my Facebook world.
I have many liberal friends and conservative friends: that's how the world is. I would love to insulate myself at times from views that I strongly disagree with but I also think that people are most important. Judging people by their looks? Maybe I do that to some extent but, for the most part, I tend to watch people's behaviors. If I limited my friends to only those who think exactly like I do, then I think that I would have a handful of them left. How sad is that?
I do know that I would be in an entirely different place if my husband had not left. Finding a balance between grief, and honoring vows, accepting reality, being hurt and forgiving - it's hard to do and it's not something that I have been able to achieve. Yes, I can be a bit of an escapist but I was trained to do that years ago. And maybe that's why my husband left. I'm not always the nicest of people. However, I'm loyal. Love isn't broken that easily - you never love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of any flaws. Some people are easier to love than others but that makes them no less deserving of your love. Promises, and vows, are made to be honored and kept. I always tried to make promises that I intended to keep - I wouldn't call it a promise otherwise. I've promised never to speak to someone again - I know that wasn't very nice - but I kept it pretty well. Don't mess with my family. You can hurt me - but don't hurt my family. Promises to love and honor - hard to keep when that person has thrown you away - but that doesn't discount the love that should always have been there.
Maybe someday I'll be that saint. I'm not there yet. However, I have a constant reminder of that love through my daughters and through my grandbabies.
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
The dichotomy of me
Walk into my apartment and what will you notice first? The crucifix on the LR wall? The GOT7 framed poster? The big photo of my daughters when they were little? Or will you look down and notice that you just stepped in on a UK Wildcats doormat? I guess that I really should hang that flag of Ireland but I'm sure that you'll be seeing other memories of Ireland after our trip this summer!
My point being: I've always been this eclectic in my tastes. My favorite posters on my dorm room wall many many moons ago were Bruce Lee, Johnny Bench, a map of Tolkien's world, and the drawings sent to me by my little brothers and sister. I had a rosary and a mezuzah - and I was still Scots Presbyterian although I played Irish revolutionary music on the record player all the time! I was studying Russian so my books were mainly language and Russian history - mixed in with my fantasy/sci fi/Michener....
I became "Kat" during my freshman year of college. Finally, I could let go the fetters of being one of a bajillion "Kathys". I hated the name ever since my first day of school in first grade. My dad would call me Katie when it was just the two of us (I was named after my Aunt Katy - and I always wanted to be a Kathleen - so much prettier than Kathryn) and the irony would be that he would later have another daughter that he named Katelyn or Kaitlin (Katie). (Seriously, I always forget her proper spelling - at least, it wasn't Kathleen. Oh wait! that was the other daughter!) The gist of all that: I will answer to both Kat and Kate but I will flare up if I am called Kathy when I first meet someone since I will never ever ever introduce myself as such. But who is this person anyway?
I remember my Dad once told me that he had to be told how to think (that was when he was walking out - leaving wife #2 and moving in with #3 -to-be). I told him that was truly sad. Here I am, my children are asking me what I really want, and I realize that I don't think that I've defined that for myself for a very long time. I quit school to take care of my stepmother and my little brothers and sister because my Dad totally screwed up on that one. Then I got married and my husband's life became my life. Then we had babies and their lives became my life and my dreams. Then he left and totally destroyed my world. And now, it's like life just passed me by. I didn't continue dancing, or playing my flute, or become a translator, or develop that charter school, or even study medicine when the opportunity arose. So, when I am asked what do I really want - other than being a wife and a mom and a grandmother, I don't have much to say.
I once loved Russian the way that I love Korean now. I used to dance to folk music from around the world - my favorites were the Israeli, Turkish, and Romanian dances - although a great polka is a lot of fun! I used to never miss watching baseball - loved my team: Cincinnati Reds! - now I can't tell you who is on it. UK basketball - well, that just couldn't be tossed aside - but I don't celebrate Derby Day the way that I once did. I really really wanted to learn ballroom dance with my husband - when our friends were doing it and asked us to join them - he said he didn't have the time. I spent hours being a "groupie" for his band - now I can't listen to any of that music. So many roads not taken - so many dreams tossed aside for other dreams.
I wanted to grow old with him. Walking beside him, holding his hand, and loving him until the day that I died, That's what I wanted and I just don't know how to translate that to anything other than being mom and Grammie. We were going to travel with our best friends. Even build a house near them. Seriously, I started to cry during church this last Sunday because of the three older couples who sat in front of me for a young man's first communion. It just struck me that I will never experience that again in this lifetime.
I don't know if I was ever a strong person but I did used to be fierce. I'm truly enjoying taking a Korean class. I'm enjoying the Korean Language & Culture meetup people. I'm even hosting a Korean movie night at the movie theatre in my apartment complex clubhouse. Maybe I'm just helping to re-define who I am by re-making myself. So, step into my world and notice that I have trains, games, books, and even hot wheels geared for entertaining my grandbabies. Some day, maybe they will dance with me, enjoy my music, teach me about the saints that they love, and play with me. Maybe they will describe me as fierce once again. Or eccentric? 😊
My point being: I've always been this eclectic in my tastes. My favorite posters on my dorm room wall many many moons ago were Bruce Lee, Johnny Bench, a map of Tolkien's world, and the drawings sent to me by my little brothers and sister. I had a rosary and a mezuzah - and I was still Scots Presbyterian although I played Irish revolutionary music on the record player all the time! I was studying Russian so my books were mainly language and Russian history - mixed in with my fantasy/sci fi/Michener....
I became "Kat" during my freshman year of college. Finally, I could let go the fetters of being one of a bajillion "Kathys". I hated the name ever since my first day of school in first grade. My dad would call me Katie when it was just the two of us (I was named after my Aunt Katy - and I always wanted to be a Kathleen - so much prettier than Kathryn) and the irony would be that he would later have another daughter that he named Katelyn or Kaitlin (Katie). (Seriously, I always forget her proper spelling - at least, it wasn't Kathleen. Oh wait! that was the other daughter!) The gist of all that: I will answer to both Kat and Kate but I will flare up if I am called Kathy when I first meet someone since I will never ever ever introduce myself as such. But who is this person anyway?
I remember my Dad once told me that he had to be told how to think (that was when he was walking out - leaving wife #2 and moving in with #3 -to-be). I told him that was truly sad. Here I am, my children are asking me what I really want, and I realize that I don't think that I've defined that for myself for a very long time. I quit school to take care of my stepmother and my little brothers and sister because my Dad totally screwed up on that one. Then I got married and my husband's life became my life. Then we had babies and their lives became my life and my dreams. Then he left and totally destroyed my world. And now, it's like life just passed me by. I didn't continue dancing, or playing my flute, or become a translator, or develop that charter school, or even study medicine when the opportunity arose. So, when I am asked what do I really want - other than being a wife and a mom and a grandmother, I don't have much to say.
I once loved Russian the way that I love Korean now. I used to dance to folk music from around the world - my favorites were the Israeli, Turkish, and Romanian dances - although a great polka is a lot of fun! I used to never miss watching baseball - loved my team: Cincinnati Reds! - now I can't tell you who is on it. UK basketball - well, that just couldn't be tossed aside - but I don't celebrate Derby Day the way that I once did. I really really wanted to learn ballroom dance with my husband - when our friends were doing it and asked us to join them - he said he didn't have the time. I spent hours being a "groupie" for his band - now I can't listen to any of that music. So many roads not taken - so many dreams tossed aside for other dreams.
I wanted to grow old with him. Walking beside him, holding his hand, and loving him until the day that I died, That's what I wanted and I just don't know how to translate that to anything other than being mom and Grammie. We were going to travel with our best friends. Even build a house near them. Seriously, I started to cry during church this last Sunday because of the three older couples who sat in front of me for a young man's first communion. It just struck me that I will never experience that again in this lifetime.
I don't know if I was ever a strong person but I did used to be fierce. I'm truly enjoying taking a Korean class. I'm enjoying the Korean Language & Culture meetup people. I'm even hosting a Korean movie night at the movie theatre in my apartment complex clubhouse. Maybe I'm just helping to re-define who I am by re-making myself. So, step into my world and notice that I have trains, games, books, and even hot wheels geared for entertaining my grandbabies. Some day, maybe they will dance with me, enjoy my music, teach me about the saints that they love, and play with me. Maybe they will describe me as fierce once again. Or eccentric? 😊
Thursday, April 25, 2019
Precious life
As I watch my favored K-dramas, I am struck time and time again by the phrase: he is someone's precious son or she is someone's precious daughter, even when describing a "despicable" character. There is a constant reminder (is it just the way that it translates?) over and over again that every person is someone's precious person. What if we spoke like that in our every day conversations? What if we paused for a moment before saying anything denigrating and thought, "wait a minute, I might disagree with or I might have been wronged by him/her, but he/she is someone's precious child". Because every person is a precious child of God (whether or not they believe that, it is Truth).
This struck me so vividly this morning as I watched Jung Il Woo as the king in Haechi commenting on how he would not forget all the precious lives that were shed in order to protect their country. As Catholics, we remember the precious lives of saints that have gone before us or precious lives of people who have been martyred by terrorists or even the precious lives of the unborn babies who have been tossed aside. But do we think of every single person that we encounter in life as someone's precious person? I am definitely guilty of this. However, I do remember times within my classroom (very rarely, I might add) where I would be trying to figure out a positive regarding a rude disrespectful, disruptive child and the best that I could do was "his mother loves him/her so there must be something that I am not seeing". I should have been thinking instead "God loves this precious child so, therefore, you should too".
I am watching a character beg for the life of one of these "despicable" people because that person is precious to him. This is Easter week. Shouldn't we be thinking about the sacrifices that Jesus made for us because we all are his precious people? Doesn't His heart truly hurt when he sees any of us behaving badly towards his loved ones? That doesn't mean that you can't disagree with or acknowledge that someone is doing something morally wrong or even judge them in a court of law - it means that they must take responsibility for their actions but you must allow them the opportunity to make amends and to ask forgiveness for the sake of their souls. Pray for them. Remember that even the most "despicable" of people is a precious child of God.
We don't know what anyone has suffered through or been exposed to in this cruel world. But each one of us can be the light of love for someone else. We can turn things around when the world seems ruled by hate to create a little corner of selfless love for someone's precious person. Be that light.
This struck me so vividly this morning as I watched Jung Il Woo as the king in Haechi commenting on how he would not forget all the precious lives that were shed in order to protect their country. As Catholics, we remember the precious lives of saints that have gone before us or precious lives of people who have been martyred by terrorists or even the precious lives of the unborn babies who have been tossed aside. But do we think of every single person that we encounter in life as someone's precious person? I am definitely guilty of this. However, I do remember times within my classroom (very rarely, I might add) where I would be trying to figure out a positive regarding a rude disrespectful, disruptive child and the best that I could do was "his mother loves him/her so there must be something that I am not seeing". I should have been thinking instead "God loves this precious child so, therefore, you should too".
I am watching a character beg for the life of one of these "despicable" people because that person is precious to him. This is Easter week. Shouldn't we be thinking about the sacrifices that Jesus made for us because we all are his precious people? Doesn't His heart truly hurt when he sees any of us behaving badly towards his loved ones? That doesn't mean that you can't disagree with or acknowledge that someone is doing something morally wrong or even judge them in a court of law - it means that they must take responsibility for their actions but you must allow them the opportunity to make amends and to ask forgiveness for the sake of their souls. Pray for them. Remember that even the most "despicable" of people is a precious child of God.
We don't know what anyone has suffered through or been exposed to in this cruel world. But each one of us can be the light of love for someone else. We can turn things around when the world seems ruled by hate to create a little corner of selfless love for someone's precious person. Be that light.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
This Lenten season
Lent is upon us once again. It's always a time to focus on spiritual renewal and faith. I fail so many times but Lent comes upon us and I feel like I have another chance to redeem myself. So, to me, it is the dark grey days leading up to the most glorious holy week (winter seeking spring). My favorite mass in the entire liturgical year is Easter Vigil (even though I haven't been able to go these past few years). It's usually packed and oh so long but it totally lifts up my soul!
During Lent, I do eat fish a lot on Fridays. I know that there are other ways to abstain from eating meat but it's one of my sacrifices (I don't like fish). In addition, I try to do something that will help deepen my faith. You may or may not know me well enough to know that I have never lacked faith in God (I guess that's always been my "gift") - my mother tells me that Jesus and I used to have tea parties all the time when I was little. However, I don't always feel that I am really doing my part in this relationship.
I've started reading (and almost finished) Interior Freedom by Jacques Phillippe. It's good - I've underlined some passages - but the question always remains, "how do I really put that into practice?" I'm a book smart kind of person. I'm also an introvert. It's really difficult to push myself out to unknown spaces (I still have yet to visit and walk the mall right down the street). So, how does that look during Lent? I don't know - we shall see. I've found a church home but I'm beginning to think that there is a real disadvantage to having more than one priest serve a parish. Even if I attend the same mass time, I don't have the same priest presiding - and he's the only person that I speak to on Sundays. Every single one of them just seems to be shaking hands and not even making eye contact at the end, pushing everyone onwards and out. So, there is no welcoming feel. Unlike seeing the Bishop at the Cathedral (he takes time to talk and to "see" his flock).
So, here I am. Curled up on the couch and suffering from a bad cold. I'm good at praying for others - not so much for myself. But this song speaks to me:
Here I Am, Lord
During Lent, I do eat fish a lot on Fridays. I know that there are other ways to abstain from eating meat but it's one of my sacrifices (I don't like fish). In addition, I try to do something that will help deepen my faith. You may or may not know me well enough to know that I have never lacked faith in God (I guess that's always been my "gift") - my mother tells me that Jesus and I used to have tea parties all the time when I was little. However, I don't always feel that I am really doing my part in this relationship.
I've started reading (and almost finished) Interior Freedom by Jacques Phillippe. It's good - I've underlined some passages - but the question always remains, "how do I really put that into practice?" I'm a book smart kind of person. I'm also an introvert. It's really difficult to push myself out to unknown spaces (I still have yet to visit and walk the mall right down the street). So, how does that look during Lent? I don't know - we shall see. I've found a church home but I'm beginning to think that there is a real disadvantage to having more than one priest serve a parish. Even if I attend the same mass time, I don't have the same priest presiding - and he's the only person that I speak to on Sundays. Every single one of them just seems to be shaking hands and not even making eye contact at the end, pushing everyone onwards and out. So, there is no welcoming feel. Unlike seeing the Bishop at the Cathedral (he takes time to talk and to "see" his flock).
So, here I am. Curled up on the couch and suffering from a bad cold. I'm good at praying for others - not so much for myself. But this song speaks to me:
Here I Am, Lord
Friday, February 8, 2019
Roads not taken...
Yes, I am still in the midst of emptying boxes, hanging pictures/posters, and organizing rooms. I have gone from the front of the apartment (kitchen, living room, dining) to the hallway to the office/guest bedroom and I am feeling pretty satisfied/content with those spaces. Obviously, that means that all the extras were stashed in my bedroom/closets/bathroom. Slowly but surely, I am finally getting through those things. As I took a look at my bedroom space again today I am thinking of re-arranging some items once again! The furniture will just have to stay where it is but I am looking at bookshelves, vanity space, prayer corner and a new vision is forming in my mind. Not time enough to tackle it today - it's almost time to head over to my middle daughter's - so I am taking a few moments to finish one last cup of coffee and gather my thoughts.
Why did I entitle this "Roads not taken..."?? Because I just found my Praxis II exam study book and I placed it on the shelf next to my MCAT exam study book. I think that my daughters thought that was their dad's book for years because he used to profess an interest in becoming a plastic surgeon. Me, I just wanted to be a pediatrician or a horse veterinarian ever since I was around 10 years old. Yes, that was my study book. There was a turning point in my husband's career where he wasn't feeling appreciated by his company and he was thinking of making a drastic change or move. Medical school came up in our discussions - a move back to Cincinnati where we could have help with child care - and who should attend? I, of course, deferred to his dream since he was the breadwinner. So, he signed up for an intro. to bio. course at the local university (where I had earned my biology degree). He didn't last a semester. Chemical engineers don't have to memorize anything. They are allowed to use books on exams. He had gotten out of the practice and absolutely hated memorization. Anyway, it wasn't that he couldn't learn the material (he's a brilliant man) - it's just that it was too frustrating for him to not get something fast and easy like he had gotten used to back in his college days.
Once that was off the table, we were contemplating that I should just study for and take the MCAT and apply for UC School of Medicine. (My official degree is a B.S. in Biology with a minor in psychology while I have enough credit hours for three majors:Russian, Biology, and Psychology). I don't recall what changed our minds. Was it the move to Greenwood? I still occasionally go through that book to dust off my memory of my studies. So, one of the roads not taken....
Why did I entitle this "Roads not taken..."?? Because I just found my Praxis II exam study book and I placed it on the shelf next to my MCAT exam study book. I think that my daughters thought that was their dad's book for years because he used to profess an interest in becoming a plastic surgeon. Me, I just wanted to be a pediatrician or a horse veterinarian ever since I was around 10 years old. Yes, that was my study book. There was a turning point in my husband's career where he wasn't feeling appreciated by his company and he was thinking of making a drastic change or move. Medical school came up in our discussions - a move back to Cincinnati where we could have help with child care - and who should attend? I, of course, deferred to his dream since he was the breadwinner. So, he signed up for an intro. to bio. course at the local university (where I had earned my biology degree). He didn't last a semester. Chemical engineers don't have to memorize anything. They are allowed to use books on exams. He had gotten out of the practice and absolutely hated memorization. Anyway, it wasn't that he couldn't learn the material (he's a brilliant man) - it's just that it was too frustrating for him to not get something fast and easy like he had gotten used to back in his college days.
Once that was off the table, we were contemplating that I should just study for and take the MCAT and apply for UC School of Medicine. (My official degree is a B.S. in Biology with a minor in psychology while I have enough credit hours for three majors:Russian, Biology, and Psychology). I don't recall what changed our minds. Was it the move to Greenwood? I still occasionally go through that book to dust off my memory of my studies. So, one of the roads not taken....
Wednesday, January 9, 2019
Welcome to 2019!
Wow! Time flies when you are occupied with so many things!
2019: This is the year that my girls and I are finally going to Ireland (barring any unforeseen plans!). Trying to decide on the must-sees and must-dos and weighing the great suggestions from friends who have been there with the things that have always spoken to my soul (St. Brigid's Shrine/Well and the Book of Kells). Also, trying to coordinate with three busy young women is going to be a bit of a challenge - especially since their littles (and husbands) have to be considered!
Immediate tasks for me:
Setting aside a proper space and time to really work on learning Korean
Making use of clubhouse equipment in working on weight loss
Completing the task of getting things out of boxes, put in proper places, hung on the walls, and actually getting the apartment organized and decorated (truly a lot has already been accomplished but I still am not at the point of feeling settled!)
Next will be figuring out what to do for a part-time income. At this rate, I will have no savings by the end of the year so I need to get serious about committing to either a retail position or tutoring online. My asthma has not been a serious issue but the number of migraines has dramatically increased along with more pain and complications with my knees and hands. I am losing my pincer grip in one hand - when pain hits, I can't hold on to whatever I am currently holding (including a steering wheel).
I have joined a local meet-up group for people who enjoy Korean Language and Culture so I can actually start practicing my speaking ability! I still haven't registered at a parish but I will probably commit to St. Michael the Archangel's soon. PEO has reached out to me but I think the Cary group might be closer to where I live - in addition, I still need to contact the DAR. I only feel comfortable going one place without my Garmin at this point so I need to add in additional time to go exploring. Fortunately, I'm not dealing with snow and ice on the roads but we've had SO much rain!
2019: This is the year that my girls and I are finally going to Ireland (barring any unforeseen plans!). Trying to decide on the must-sees and must-dos and weighing the great suggestions from friends who have been there with the things that have always spoken to my soul (St. Brigid's Shrine/Well and the Book of Kells). Also, trying to coordinate with three busy young women is going to be a bit of a challenge - especially since their littles (and husbands) have to be considered!
Immediate tasks for me:
Setting aside a proper space and time to really work on learning Korean
Making use of clubhouse equipment in working on weight loss
Completing the task of getting things out of boxes, put in proper places, hung on the walls, and actually getting the apartment organized and decorated (truly a lot has already been accomplished but I still am not at the point of feeling settled!)
Next will be figuring out what to do for a part-time income. At this rate, I will have no savings by the end of the year so I need to get serious about committing to either a retail position or tutoring online. My asthma has not been a serious issue but the number of migraines has dramatically increased along with more pain and complications with my knees and hands. I am losing my pincer grip in one hand - when pain hits, I can't hold on to whatever I am currently holding (including a steering wheel).
I have joined a local meet-up group for people who enjoy Korean Language and Culture so I can actually start practicing my speaking ability! I still haven't registered at a parish but I will probably commit to St. Michael the Archangel's soon. PEO has reached out to me but I think the Cary group might be closer to where I live - in addition, I still need to contact the DAR. I only feel comfortable going one place without my Garmin at this point so I need to add in additional time to go exploring. Fortunately, I'm not dealing with snow and ice on the roads but we've had SO much rain!
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