My point being: I've always been this eclectic in my tastes. My favorite posters on my dorm room wall many many moons ago were Bruce Lee, Johnny Bench, a map of Tolkien's world, and the drawings sent to me by my little brothers and sister. I had a rosary and a mezuzah - and I was still Scots Presbyterian although I played Irish revolutionary music on the record player all the time! I was studying Russian so my books were mainly language and Russian history - mixed in with my fantasy/sci fi/Michener....
I became "Kat" during my freshman year of college. Finally, I could let go the fetters of being one of a bajillion "Kathys". I hated the name ever since my first day of school in first grade. My dad would call me Katie when it was just the two of us (I was named after my Aunt Katy - and I always wanted to be a Kathleen - so much prettier than Kathryn) and the irony would be that he would later have another daughter that he named Katelyn or Kaitlin (Katie). (Seriously, I always forget her proper spelling - at least, it wasn't Kathleen. Oh wait! that was the other daughter!) The gist of all that: I will answer to both Kat and Kate but I will flare up if I am called Kathy when I first meet someone since I will never ever ever introduce myself as such. But who is this person anyway?
I remember my Dad once told me that he had to be told how to think (that was when he was walking out - leaving wife #2 and moving in with #3 -to-be). I told him that was truly sad. Here I am, my children are asking me what I really want, and I realize that I don't think that I've defined that for myself for a very long time. I quit school to take care of my stepmother and my little brothers and sister because my Dad totally screwed up on that one. Then I got married and my husband's life became my life. Then we had babies and their lives became my life and my dreams. Then he left and totally destroyed my world. And now, it's like life just passed me by. I didn't continue dancing, or playing my flute, or become a translator, or develop that charter school, or even study medicine when the opportunity arose. So, when I am asked what do I really want - other than being a wife and a mom and a grandmother, I don't have much to say.
I once loved Russian the way that I love Korean now. I used to dance to folk music from around the world - my favorites were the Israeli, Turkish, and Romanian dances - although a great polka is a lot of fun! I used to never miss watching baseball - loved my team: Cincinnati Reds! - now I can't tell you who is on it. UK basketball - well, that just couldn't be tossed aside - but I don't celebrate Derby Day the way that I once did. I really really wanted to learn ballroom dance with my husband - when our friends were doing it and asked us to join them - he said he didn't have the time. I spent hours being a "groupie" for his band - now I can't listen to any of that music. So many roads not taken - so many dreams tossed aside for other dreams.
I wanted to grow old with him. Walking beside him, holding his hand, and loving him until the day that I died, That's what I wanted and I just don't know how to translate that to anything other than being mom and Grammie. We were going to travel with our best friends. Even build a house near them. Seriously, I started to cry during church this last Sunday because of the three older couples who sat in front of me for a young man's first communion. It just struck me that I will never experience that again in this lifetime.
I don't know if I was ever a strong person but I did used to be fierce. I'm truly enjoying taking a Korean class. I'm enjoying the Korean Language & Culture meetup people. I'm even hosting a Korean movie night at the movie theatre in my apartment complex clubhouse. Maybe I'm just helping to re-define who I am by re-making myself. So, step into my world and notice that I have trains, games, books, and even hot wheels geared for entertaining my grandbabies. Some day, maybe they will dance with me, enjoy my music, teach me about the saints that they love, and play with me. Maybe they will describe me as fierce once again. Or eccentric? 😊
No comments:
Post a Comment