Facebook World

Most people don't really pay attention to their number of friends on their social media. I have always noticed when my numbers go down: wondering who I've offended this time or what happened.  My daughters try to remind me that some people just deactivate their accounts so not to take it personally. Sometimes I know immediately who has taken me off their friend list, other times I have no clue. I scrolled through my friends today - specifically looking for one to assist another in her pain - and she's gone. Ah, I understand. I'm close friends with others that she has unfriended in the past - I must have said something to remind her of this. I will continue to pray for her - I will continue to cheer her on - but it saddens me that women of faith turn against one another for espousing a slightly different view. We should be united as followers of Christ - specifically among my Catholic friends.

And, it's true, among my list of friends, I see ones who have deactivated their accounts - and others who have passed away (and their children are still posting and monitoring). Why do I not delete these? Because I remember to pray for them when I see their names. I suppose that I should "clean up" my account for the time when I pass away and my daughters are left to notify my Facebook world.

I have many liberal friends and conservative friends: that's how the world is. I would love to insulate myself at times from views that I strongly disagree with but I also think that people are most important. Judging people by their looks? Maybe I do that to some extent but, for the most part, I tend to watch people's behaviors. If I limited my friends to only those who think exactly like I do, then I think that I would have a handful of them left. How sad is that?

I do know that I would be in an entirely different place if my husband had not left. Finding a balance between grief, and honoring vows, accepting reality, being hurt and forgiving - it's hard to do and it's not something that I have been able to achieve. Yes, I can be a bit of an escapist but I was trained to do that years ago. And maybe that's why my husband left. I'm not always the nicest of people. However, I'm loyal. Love isn't broken that easily - you never love someone because they're perfect. You love them in spite of any flaws. Some people are easier to love than others but that makes them no less deserving of your love. Promises, and vows, are made to be honored and kept. I always tried to make promises that I intended to keep - I wouldn't call it a promise otherwise. I've promised never to speak to someone again - I know that wasn't very nice - but I kept it pretty well. Don't mess with my family. You can hurt me - but don't hurt my family. Promises to love and honor - hard to keep when that person has thrown you away - but that doesn't discount the love that should always have been there.

Maybe someday I'll be that saint. I'm not there yet. However, I have a constant reminder of that love through my daughters and through my grandbabies.

The dichotomy of me

Walk into my apartment and what will you notice first? The crucifix on the LR wall? The GOT7 framed poster? The big photo of my daughters when they were little? Or will you look down and notice that you just stepped in on a UK Wildcats doormat? I guess that I really should hang that flag of Ireland but I'm sure that you'll be seeing other memories of Ireland after our trip this summer!

My point being: I've always been this eclectic in my tastes. My favorite posters on my dorm room wall many many moons ago were Bruce Lee, Johnny Bench, a map of Tolkien's world, and the drawings sent to me by my little brothers and sister. I had a rosary and a mezuzah - and I was still Scots Presbyterian although I played Irish revolutionary music on the record player all the time! I was studying Russian so my books were mainly language and Russian history - mixed in with my fantasy/sci fi/Michener....

I became "Kat" during my freshman year of college. Finally, I could let go the fetters of being one of a bajillion "Kathys". I hated the name ever since my first day of school in first grade. My dad would call me Katie when it was just the two of us (I was named after my Aunt Katy - and I always wanted to be a Kathleen - so much prettier than Kathryn) and the irony would be that he would later have another daughter that he named Katelyn or Kaitlin (Katie). (Seriously, I always forget her proper spelling - at least, it wasn't Kathleen. Oh wait! that was the other daughter!) The gist of all that: I will answer to both Kat and Kate but I will flare up if I am called Kathy when I first meet someone since I will never ever ever introduce myself as such. But who is this person anyway?

I remember my Dad once told me that he had to be told how to think (that was when he was walking out - leaving wife #2 and moving in with #3 -to-be). I told him that was truly sad. Here I am, my children are asking me what I really want, and I realize that I don't think that I've defined that for myself for a very long time. I quit school to take care of my stepmother and my little brothers and sister because my Dad totally screwed up on that one. Then I got married and my husband's life became my life. Then we had babies and their lives became my life and my dreams. Then he left and totally destroyed my world. And now, it's like life just passed me by. I didn't continue dancing, or playing my flute, or become a translator, or develop that charter school, or even study medicine when the opportunity arose. So, when I am asked what do I really want - other than being a wife and a mom and a grandmother, I don't have much to say.

I once loved Russian the way that I love Korean now. I used to dance to folk music from around the world - my favorites were the Israeli, Turkish, and Romanian dances - although a great polka is a lot of fun! I used to never miss watching baseball - loved my team: Cincinnati Reds! - now I can't tell you who is on it. UK basketball - well, that just couldn't be tossed aside - but I don't celebrate Derby Day the way that I once did. I really really wanted to learn ballroom dance with my husband - when our friends were doing it and asked us to join them - he said he didn't have the time. I spent hours being a "groupie" for his band - now I can't listen to any of that music. So many roads not taken - so many dreams tossed aside for other dreams.

I wanted to grow old with him. Walking beside him, holding his hand, and loving him until the day that I died, That's what I wanted  and I just don't know how to translate that to anything other than being mom and Grammie. We were going to travel with our best friends. Even build a house near them. Seriously, I started to cry during church this last Sunday because of the three older couples who sat in front of me for a young man's first communion. It just struck me that I will never experience that again in this lifetime.

I don't know if I was ever a strong person but I did used to be fierce. I'm truly enjoying taking a Korean class. I'm enjoying the Korean Language & Culture meetup people. I'm even hosting a Korean movie night at the movie theatre in my apartment complex clubhouse. Maybe I'm just helping to re-define who I am by re-making myself. So, step into my world and notice that I have trains, games, books, and even hot wheels geared for entertaining my grandbabies. Some day, maybe they will dance with me, enjoy my music,  teach me about the saints that they love, and play with me.  Maybe they will describe me as fierce once again. Or eccentric? 😊