Distinguishing between penance and counsel

After an angst-filled night and day following confession with a new young priest, I have prayerfully received my own answer.

I cannot follow his counsel. I've already done my penance. I'm grateful that most of my confession was received as "human emotions" - normal ones, at that. After years of being told that you are the "crazy one", it is always best to have complete strangers deliver a different perspective or "barometer" and tell you that you are experiencing perfectly normal reactions and emotions.

Back to his counsel. It totally tore me apart all last night. I truly believe that God spoke to me and reminded me that young priest is also "human" - experiencing his own normal emotions. He, too, is a product of a divorced household. And, he just spent a week with his mom - back in his old neighborhood, getting the old house on the market to sell. I'm sure he just walked down his own "memory lane". My situation and emotions certainly must have stirred up his own. I can't take his counsel.

He wants me to take the route of self-preservation. I truly appreciate that, I do. But my children are so much more important to me. And it's not just that I detest confrontation (which I really do), but I also believe in doing whatever I can to make my children happy. I am a mom first and foremost. That is the most important role I've been given in this life.

Maybe that's where I lost my husband. There were times when I did put our children first. Why? I wasn't being disrespectful to him - they were God's gifts to us and they required me more at those times. After all, he was the adult and the dad. They were my babies and always will be. (One thing I did learn as a product of divorce - my mother always took the side of her husbands and never, ever protected her children in the process. In my head, I know that she was doing what she was taught/raised to do, but I was truly hurt/damaged by that oversight - and, years later, I realize how deeply my brother was hurt by that also.)

I'm sure that I could never have truly voiced all the pain from the past as I fought to protect my own. But, as I've paced and prayed through this past night and day, the turmoil finally quieted when I realized that I don't have to follow a priest's counsel in the same way that I have to follow the penance. One is handed to me as he stands in his role as Christ - and forgives my failings and sins as a human - while the other comes from his own human emotions and background. He, too, has a similar pain as mine. He was being a "good son" and wanting to protect me as he couldn't protect his own mother as she experienced what I did when his father walked out on his family when he was a teenager. He even stated that he couldn't imagine what my daughters are experiencing at this stage in their lives. Totally empathetic.

I'm sorry, dear young Father. I have to ignore your counsel. God is telling me that my instincts as a mom are so much more important. It feels like I am breaking some kind of "rule" going against your counsel but I am old enough to be your mom. In fact, that's why I think you gave me the counsel that you did. Truly, it was enough for you to tell me that I'm not "crazy" - that I'm "normal". Thank you for that. I think this is just another one of my crosses as I follow St. Helena along her path.

And so... my epiphany...

The paperwork has been completed. Later this morning - yes, okay, I haven't been to bed yet....my realtor will return to the house and take photos and measurements. The house is finally, finally, finally going on the market.

So, I had a former student question me just a little while ago, "are you happy?" Am I happy? I had to tell him no, I'm not happy. How can I be happy - to feel forced out of the house that I loved? However, I could tell him that I am looking forward - and asked him if that counted? He told me that yes, that was still a good thing.

I am looking forward - a new adventure, a new home, a new community - as I "escape" from here. I'm not doing well with the fact that my husband has applied for that marriage license, or the fact that he has started taking her to vacation spots that hold great significance to the two of us, and I told my former student that if he follows through with the marriage, then he is just compounding his sin and damning his soul. That makes me sad. He asked me how? And I explained what it meant to have a valid, sacramental marriage - one where the vows can only be broken through the death of one spouse. Then he asked if my husband was still Catholic? And I told him that since he still attends Church and cantors, that at some level he must still consider himself to be Catholic. My student acknowledged that assessment.

The next question was interesting. My student asked if he was damned for not being Catholic?  I told him no - that was between him and God. (He comes from a Nazarene background and can no longer accept all of the fundamentalist views - he even went to "confession" with an Episcopal priest friend of his after one gut-wrenching discussion we had one night).  I went on to explain that my husband had full knowledge of his sins and could be cleansed by going to confession and giving up on his relationship with that girl. Then my student stated that he had such a difficult time with religion because of having to follow rules.

Here's my epiphany: I told him that it wasn't difficult for me because I was more in love with Jesus than I ever was in love with my husband. (When did I reach that point in my life? Did I always feel that way? From my tea parties with Jesus as a toddler? Is this why confession has become easy for me now when it once tortured me? Was it something that was re-kindled because I've had to rely on following St. Helena's path on searching for the Cross? I don't know - but I truly meant it.)   Plus, I told him that God was filling that void for me with my children and my grandchildren. The Holy Spirit had already spoken to me about that while I was in Pennsylvania for Gabriel's first birthday.  As I explained that to him, I felt such a peace flood through my entire being. Such a beautiful confirmation that I am truly a child of God. He will take care of me.

I truly don't believe that this is the path He had chosen for me either - darn that free will! Other people's choices can certainly affect you. God is just helping me pull it all back together.

My "Korean" obsession - explaining myself - somewhat

Hyun Bin

Park Shi Hoo

Lee Min Ho

These are my top three favorite Korean actors - in no particular order. I don't care what they are in - Korean drama or movie, I will watch it and I will enjoy it. Not only that, I will go back and re-watch scenes just so I can see them again and again. Why? Because they bring happiness to my world. In a world that no longer harbors romance or passion, I do have to go to my books or my shows. When my husband walked out of my world, every dream was haunted by him. I fought going to sleep because he would meet me there in my dreams and I would wake up sadder and more distraught than I had been before because they were so very real.  I was experiencing 4-5 migraines per week. My neurologist was trying his best to get me to rest and I told him that I had no desire to ever sleep again. "To sleep, perchance to dream". It reminded me of that old MASH episode where everyone chose to grab another cup of coffee so they wouldn't have to dream their dreams.

Then, I discovered Korean dramas. I've always loved Asian men. My college roommate can tell you that I used to rave to her about how they were the most beautiful men in the world. In fact, the first person who ever proposed to me was half Korean/half Japanese and I dated him during my college days. Why didn't I accept his proposal? Because he asked me to be his first wife. Yes, I took offense at that. I honestly don't know if he ever married. I can't find out any information about him but that wouldn't change anything anyway.  Back to my story.

What happened when I discovered Asian dramas? I stopped dreaming about my husband. I transported to another world. The music didn't remind me of him. The language didn't either. It awakened in me a desire to learn again. A desire to learn a new language, find out about another culture, a desire to try new foods, and to pass that knowledge on to my grandchildren (who share that heritage).  The nightmares stopped. The migraines stopped. I could sleep through the night while listening to "K-Pop". I still can't listen to the old songs - they make me cry. Maybe someday I will be able to do that again. For now, this is my way to mend. It's the only way that I can cope. Turn towards my faith and fill my world with new knowledge. Look towards the future and fill my dreams with stories that I don't link with my husband at all. I think of him as being a "prodigal" husband. 

Do I ever expect him to return "home" again? Not to me. But I hope he doesn't continue to turn his back on Christ. I pray for that. However, every time I see posts on face book regarding the wonderful husbands, the celebration of anniversaries, etc., I get extremely cynical and sad. That was me. I was perfectly happy and I thought that I would be married forever to the man of my dreams. Now, I'm replacing him with these gorgeous men and their adventures. 

Thank you God for helping me out. I'm climbing out of my depression and getting better every day. So, if you happen to see a post on my facebook regarding a K-Pop song, or photos of my favorite actors or singers, it's just me, fighting back. I've had a rough day and I'm putting some joy back into my life because I can't plaster photos of my grandbabies all over facebook. Kamsahamnida.