Distinguishing between penance and counsel

After an angst-filled night and day following confession with a new young priest, I have prayerfully received my own answer.

I cannot follow his counsel. I've already done my penance. I'm grateful that most of my confession was received as "human emotions" - normal ones, at that. After years of being told that you are the "crazy one", it is always best to have complete strangers deliver a different perspective or "barometer" and tell you that you are experiencing perfectly normal reactions and emotions.

Back to his counsel. It totally tore me apart all last night. I truly believe that God spoke to me and reminded me that young priest is also "human" - experiencing his own normal emotions. He, too, is a product of a divorced household. And, he just spent a week with his mom - back in his old neighborhood, getting the old house on the market to sell. I'm sure he just walked down his own "memory lane". My situation and emotions certainly must have stirred up his own. I can't take his counsel.

He wants me to take the route of self-preservation. I truly appreciate that, I do. But my children are so much more important to me. And it's not just that I detest confrontation (which I really do), but I also believe in doing whatever I can to make my children happy. I am a mom first and foremost. That is the most important role I've been given in this life.

Maybe that's where I lost my husband. There were times when I did put our children first. Why? I wasn't being disrespectful to him - they were God's gifts to us and they required me more at those times. After all, he was the adult and the dad. They were my babies and always will be. (One thing I did learn as a product of divorce - my mother always took the side of her husbands and never, ever protected her children in the process. In my head, I know that she was doing what she was taught/raised to do, but I was truly hurt/damaged by that oversight - and, years later, I realize how deeply my brother was hurt by that also.)

I'm sure that I could never have truly voiced all the pain from the past as I fought to protect my own. But, as I've paced and prayed through this past night and day, the turmoil finally quieted when I realized that I don't have to follow a priest's counsel in the same way that I have to follow the penance. One is handed to me as he stands in his role as Christ - and forgives my failings and sins as a human - while the other comes from his own human emotions and background. He, too, has a similar pain as mine. He was being a "good son" and wanting to protect me as he couldn't protect his own mother as she experienced what I did when his father walked out on his family when he was a teenager. He even stated that he couldn't imagine what my daughters are experiencing at this stage in their lives. Totally empathetic.

I'm sorry, dear young Father. I have to ignore your counsel. God is telling me that my instincts as a mom are so much more important. It feels like I am breaking some kind of "rule" going against your counsel but I am old enough to be your mom. In fact, that's why I think you gave me the counsel that you did. Truly, it was enough for you to tell me that I'm not "crazy" - that I'm "normal". Thank you for that. I think this is just another one of my crosses as I follow St. Helena along her path.