And so... my epiphany...

The paperwork has been completed. Later this morning - yes, okay, I haven't been to bed yet....my realtor will return to the house and take photos and measurements. The house is finally, finally, finally going on the market.

So, I had a former student question me just a little while ago, "are you happy?" Am I happy? I had to tell him no, I'm not happy. How can I be happy - to feel forced out of the house that I loved? However, I could tell him that I am looking forward - and asked him if that counted? He told me that yes, that was still a good thing.

I am looking forward - a new adventure, a new home, a new community - as I "escape" from here. I'm not doing well with the fact that my husband has applied for that marriage license, or the fact that he has started taking her to vacation spots that hold great significance to the two of us, and I told my former student that if he follows through with the marriage, then he is just compounding his sin and damning his soul. That makes me sad. He asked me how? And I explained what it meant to have a valid, sacramental marriage - one where the vows can only be broken through the death of one spouse. Then he asked if my husband was still Catholic? And I told him that since he still attends Church and cantors, that at some level he must still consider himself to be Catholic. My student acknowledged that assessment.

The next question was interesting. My student asked if he was damned for not being Catholic?  I told him no - that was between him and God. (He comes from a Nazarene background and can no longer accept all of the fundamentalist views - he even went to "confession" with an Episcopal priest friend of his after one gut-wrenching discussion we had one night).  I went on to explain that my husband had full knowledge of his sins and could be cleansed by going to confession and giving up on his relationship with that girl. Then my student stated that he had such a difficult time with religion because of having to follow rules.

Here's my epiphany: I told him that it wasn't difficult for me because I was more in love with Jesus than I ever was in love with my husband. (When did I reach that point in my life? Did I always feel that way? From my tea parties with Jesus as a toddler? Is this why confession has become easy for me now when it once tortured me? Was it something that was re-kindled because I've had to rely on following St. Helena's path on searching for the Cross? I don't know - but I truly meant it.)   Plus, I told him that God was filling that void for me with my children and my grandchildren. The Holy Spirit had already spoken to me about that while I was in Pennsylvania for Gabriel's first birthday.  As I explained that to him, I felt such a peace flood through my entire being. Such a beautiful confirmation that I am truly a child of God. He will take care of me.

I truly don't believe that this is the path He had chosen for me either - darn that free will! Other people's choices can certainly affect you. God is just helping me pull it all back together.