Continuing to struggle

However, if you're looking for my wedding band, then you'll find it in my purple prayer box.....I took it off yesterday after I found out that he is taking her to meet our babies. My sorrow deepens - truly what does God want me to learn from all of this? I don't feel stronger - I feel completely broken. Is that what I need to become a better person?
I am wearing other rings - my hand would feel too "naked" otherwise. My vows are just as strong but the officer was right - they are meaningless to him. How was I fooled? Was I ever loved?
O Mother Mary and Saint Helena, how did you persist? I am no longer meaningful even to my students. I have no one to call - no one to share a cup of coffee or tea. I have become a stranger in a strange land.

Struggling

So, my police escort on my ride home from school today finally told me this - and he said it was coming from God - that I need to take off my rings since the man who put them there obviously feels that they mean nothing. "God wants me to focus on being married to him and on my beautiful babies and their grandbabies" still struggling with that idea but maybe I will finally get that mother's ring I always wanted.....

The depths of my sadness....

know no bounds. I just keep sinking lower and lower and lower. I enter my car at the end of the day and I cry all the way home. Even when the tears aren't flowing, they can be felt behind my eyes - ready to be released at any moment. There is no relief in sight - I turn to our mother Mary every night through the rosary, I cannot focus on the music that I enjoy nor even attempt to watch the shows that I prefer - my brain cannot process anything else. Sleep is not a relief - it brings more sorrows.

Every day is a struggle to survive. Deep breaths - one step forward. Could I just have one day of peace where students will actually be attentive, be on task, and be kind to one another? Why do I even care and keep trying when they show no desire to learn? I have finally hit a point where I don't even understand the subjects that I am trying to teach.....this is so beyond me. One more day - then the weekend - I'm up too late - need to go in early to write and to print off a test.....

Flourish

So, in the midst of my overly-stressed world, I am trying to focus on how I can become a better person. I am beginning with the book Flourish by Seligman which was given to me last Christmas by my co-madre. Recommended: take the Signature Strengths survey and then act upon it. Step one - here is the list of my top five strengths:

Your Top Strength

Love of learning -

You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Your Second Strength

Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith -

You have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your actions and are a source of comfort to you.

Strength #3

Appreciation of beauty and excellence -

You notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday experience.

Strength #4

Gratitude -

You are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person because you always take the time to express your thanks.

Strength #5

Kindness and generosity -

You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.

Now, the task is to create a new way of using my strength and then write about the experience. I am resting today (very deliberately de-stressing) - it is still early in the afternoon and my focus is on accomplishing small things, one by one, to build up a feeling of accomplishment for myself. In the process, I will try to come up with something....

Anniversaries

This has been a rough couple of weeks. Fourteen days ago, I weighed in at 131 lbs. - for the past two days, I have weighed in at 123 lbs. stressed? Oh no, not at all. I have been trying my absolute best to ignore the meaning of days within this time span and, of course, the nightmares have returned to haunt me. Today, is another anniversary: Mom and Dad's. Yesterday, was the anniversary of Dad's death (also my nephew's birthday) - last week was my Dad's death anniversary (on the same day as my SIL's birthday). I tried to just focus on celebrating her day. I don't even want to think about the other dates.
On top of that, there is no more joy in teaching. The students here need daily correction as to how to behave like young ladies and gentleman with little to no desire to learn. It is too draining. I feel as though I am a glorified "warden" and I have such a difficult time studying ahead of time and learning the material myself that I have no clue how to make it "fun" - especially when I can't trust any of them in the lab when they can't follow basic rules of decency, attentiveness, and safety.
Am I becoming so cynical? or are they just breaking me? Five years and I will be fully vested in state retirement - not so sure that I can last that long. The one thing that I do have control over: the state has issued an additional Restricted Science endorsement on my Biology and English teaching license - but I am supposed to take 6-8 credit hours of Physics within the next couple of years to maintain it. I am not going to spend my money on taking a class that I have no interest in learning any more about - rather that kind of money will go towards getting certified in TEFL, learning Korean, or into the travel fund....
Once again, I arise, I relax with my coffee, and then as the day progresses, I start having to calm myself down as the weekend comes to a close and the anxiety strikes. Looking towards Thanksgiving break followed by Christmas. Going to mass soon for even more reinforcement. (Even that is anxiety ridden as you have to arrive really early every Sunday to find a space in the parking lot and then find a place in a pew....)

Jesus take the wheel

So, rough night last night - woke up from screaming in my nightmare - took awhile to calm down and go back to sleep. Had a decent day at school - then I put my guardian angel to the test on the way home. Thank God for brakes! I came within a foot or closer of taking out both myself and a young lady making a left turn in front of me (my fault - I didn't see the curve or the yield sign until I was entering the intersection). I backed up and straightened up the car and apologized profusely - she smiled and said "it's okay honey - no one got hurt" . She had every right to be angry but she was just grateful instead - what a wonderful attitude! I think that I have a bit of whiplash tonight - nor do I want to sleep - for fear of the nightmares. Trying to unwind and to be thankful for all the blessings of the day.....