Gifts

Fought long and hard today against a migraine - coffee and talk helped to bring me out of it. No fun when the ringing starts and the head starts tightening and you feel as though you just might pass out.

A simple package. That was all it took. I've been trained - the packages (gifts) always come with a knock-out punch a day or two later. First, let's be nice - then drop the bomb.

Nope, not going to list them all. That will truly push me over the edge. Eldest daughter talked me down off of that cliff today. The aftermath: the tears are still there - behind my eyes. I can feel them welling up but I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to be okay.

Panic Attacks

So, panic attacks are absolutely no fun. Particularly in your sleep.

A first that I can recall: my entire dream last night was a full-blown panic attack. My chest hurts so badly this morning. Every time that I was able to rouse myself, I re-entered the dream right where I had left off.

The twist in my dream at the very end was that I was in an alternate reality and everything that had happened had been in my mind because I was actually in a nursing home for Alzheimer's and I woke up when I finally had reached a lucid moment and told myself what was happening.

Coffee, coffee, coffee - help me wake up and calm down.

Nightmares

36 years ago, he chased them away. Now, they are fully comprised of him.

I fear sleep.

Halloween

Definitely not my holiday. I will admit that I enjoyed it in the past - particularly for my babies - but it soon faded away for me. Costumes and decorations became more frightening. Even answering the door to countless strangers - that became an extremely anxiety provoking scene. I still did it - even with just the dog and me - but I knew that I was "safe" with him there (even with him barking at every step, knock, and doorbell - he would protect me first).

Then, one day, I spent my Halloween by driving through storms to St. Meinrad's- it was quite the scary weather to be driving in but I made it safely there and back again. While there, I was invested as a Benedictine oblate novice. A journey towards new beginnings.

After returning home to my Momma's house that day, I discovered that I had traveled through tornadoes along my journey. They were so devastating that Halloween trick-or-treating was cancelled until the following evening in the majority of communities of both Kentucky and Indiana. Momma does not "do" Halloween so it was a quiet weekend as we listened to reports of devastation from surrounding areas.

Then, the following Monday ,  I discovered that my civil divorce had been processed on Halloween. How apropos. My husband's favorite holiday  (due to the close proximity of his birthday). And now the weather made sense to me : God frequently "cries" with me.  And for such an abomination of a divorce to be occurring in my life, storms were definitely called for - however, as has happened before, I was kept safe.

So, today is that anniversary. Now he has re-married in a civil ceremony  (while remaining married to me in the eyes of the Church) and I have no desire to take part in any commemoration of this day. Once again, God lets me know that He cares, as I received a package from Japan  (a CD of my favorite Korean band), that wasn't due to arrive until the middle of November.

 Happy All Saints and All Souls Days!

More on teaching

Every time I think that I am done, God shows me that He has different plans for me. I've retired from Faith Formation a couple of different times now. I am once again teaching at a parish - this time I am in charge of the 6th graders. Even when they are trying to be funny in class, they are SO cute! My first session with them occurred this past Sunday and I hope that they learned something in class. Oh my, the Bible stories that they did not know! This should be a very interesting year.
Why am I doing this once again? Well, my modus operandi in the past when I have moved to a new place has been to join a parish, find the library, and start volunteering wherever I feel needed/called.
Last year that just never quite fell into place - being in an apartment felt so unsettled. And, I was just overwhelmed with teaching new subjects while being in a totally new place. I never explored all that I had wanted to within the community.
Here, my daughter is in charge of Faith Formation for the middle schoolers and high schoolers at our new parish. (Yes, she is working in her home parish - I know that some people don't do that but it really makes sense to immerse yourself in the community in order to better serve your clientele). It seemed as though not enough people were coming forward to assist in helping out so I finally told her that if she needed me, then I would gladly take the 6th graders for her. Done. You know how you just get those little nudges as to what you should be doing? Well, when I finally recognize them, I realize that the Holy Spirit is pushing me into something that I need to accomplish.
I never wanted to be a teacher. Growing up, I first wanted to be a horse veterinarian, then a doctor, then a physical therapist, then a doctor once again. When I went off to college and started studying, I realized that I truly enjoyed learning new languages and studied linguistics and Russian (in addition to my second major area of study: psychology) so I started thinking about becoming a translator and joining the Navy. (Why I didn't do that is the topic of an entirely different post).
When I look back at all of my activities and studies over the years, I realize that I was always being prepared to be a teacher. For example, during my high school years, I taught vacation bible school every summer with my best friend. Then, during my senior year, my aunt was the director of Christian education for our parish and they couldn't get a 3rd/4th grade teacher for Sunday school - guess what I did? (all by my lonesome!). Prior to that, my mother had been a kindergarten teacher in a private church school so when I had days off from school, I would assist her with her kindergarteners. In college, I had to take counseling psychology through the education department because our department was filled with behaviorists. I also decided to take a new course entitled Understanding Learning Disabilities - again through the education department - and actually had to design lesson plans when I wasn't an education major. (Got an A+ on my final exam by the way!).
When my oldest started preparation for first communion, our parish at that time held faith formation (CCD) classes on Monday evenings. She was not happy having to spend her "homework" night going to class and complained about going by herself. I told her that was true that it was unfair so Mommy would come with her. Hence, I started assisting with the 2nd graders. I didn't stop teaching various grades in CCD until I had done that for 20 years.
Oh my, how my oldest dragged me into so many things! When she hit 4th grade, she brought home a note from her teacher asking for parent volunteers so that her class could take advantage of the computer lab at school (which was too small to hold the entire class at once). Well, I certainly couldn't have my child missing out on computers! The youngest was in kindergarten that year and was having a difficult time parting from me so I then suggested that I could also spend some time assisting her teacher. She requested that I help at the computer center on their "Centers" day! Not to ignore my middle child, I then made a similar offer to her teacher and was asked to also assist with computer work. Now I was fully ensconced in a weekly teaching schedule.
Turns out that in order to be a substitute teacher in the state of Illinois, you are required to have a Bachelor's degree. Once my daughters' teachers discovered that I had my B.S. degree, they asked if I would become a sub for them since I knew their classroom routines. Thus began my years as a substitute teacher in the classroom which continued from my youngest child's kindergarten year to my oldest child's senior year. At that time, I returned to school and earned my teaching license in April of the same year she graduated from high school. Teaching as a profession began!
Last year, I finally reached a point where I no longer felt safe within the classroom nor felt excited about imparting knowledge to my students. Yes, there were rays of sunshine but, for once, the bad outweighed the good. That's when I decided that I was done. No more teaching.
Yet, here I am. :)

Retail Therapy

You know, it actually works.
So, my husband married that girl in a civil ceremony. He is still married to me in the eyes of the Church and in my heart. It hurts - hurts like hell - but let him know that? No way. That's why you don't see me posting about that on Facebook - only a small number of people know - and, even then, most of them don't live in that state.
I took off my rings - they made me way too sad. Especially since he left his wedding band with me when he walked out. (Only right since my cousin crafted it for him after he lost his original band in a hotel when our oldest was a baby).
Always wanted a bling ring - and a mother's ring - so I have kind of combined that in a diamond band that has three larger stones that symbolize my three girls. I'm wearing it on my hand instead of my original diamond. That way, people I meet can guess that I'm still married and I won't have to explain anything. And the ring makes me happy instead of sad.
What else makes me happy besides my family? Learning, studying, teaching.....more on that another day.

Settling in

Wow, so much has happened since my last post. I am now in Massachusetts - yes, I had to leave Jack behind. I try not to think about that and to concentrate on the joys of being with my children and grandchildren.
After all, as my one child reminded me as I prepared for this move, I have always taught them that people are what's most important. Things, I got rid of many "treasured" items. I gave up the house that I had dreamed of growing old and dying in, of a place that all my children and grandchildren could come home to - just like Grammie's house in Cincinnati. I wanted my babies to finally feel as though they had roots. I'm so very sorry that I couldn't remain strong enough to provide that for myself and my children. Mianhaeyo.
Forgive me if I didn't always practice what I preached. Hopefully, I can be a good role model for the rest of my life. In one sense, I have sacrificed nothing to make this move - for I came to be with my children and grandchildren - but I left family behind in order to do that. Naega sagwa. I apologize.
I pray that I am not a burden. I have always admired cultures that promote multi-generational households (my parents even grew up in them). I apparently don't do well with an empty nest - nor in having any of my children too far away. How will I balance it all? I feel sorry towards my mother. How must she feel?

New beginnings? Journeys, Part Two?

Which is the appropriate name for this next step? I have booked the Penske truck, arranged for loading and unloading helpers, and secured a storage space in Massachusetts.

Honey and her cradle are packed - ready to be welcomed into her new room in Massachusetts. While Jack, our other travel companion, is coming to the end of the road with me. I have a family checking him out this following weekend. If not them, then I seriously have to consider returning him to the shelter from whence he came. I won't have much time to take him East and get him situated there so I'm thinking that his stop will be in Indiana. My heart breaks for him but I'm praying that this will be a good move for him also.

Now begins the task of remembering what needs to be turned off, final bills to be paid, and figuring out a budget for the items that I will still have as monthly expenditures. Marking boxes for my room or for storage. Packing up the kitchen today!

Packing in Indiana this weekend. I don't have a closing date for the house. I'll just have to move forward without that.

The momma duck and her ducklings are nowhere to be seen - only the drakes and the turtles. I hope that the last four survived (she went from thirteen to four in just a few days' time). Probably that huge turtle in the pond swiped a few from her. Maybe she went somewhere else for safety.

Celebrating tonight with one last night out with my Big Bro and his wife - Korean BBQ! Onward!

Journeys....

October 31, 2013: I drove through tornados to St. Meinrad Archabbey to become a Benedictine oblate novice and then returned to my Momma's home in Lexington. Halloween was postponed that year until November 1st. And, several days later, I discovered that my husband was granted a civil divorce from me on his favorite holiday. (But with all the tornados that day, I really felt that God was feeling my pain - even before I knew what was happening).

I spent the year helping my Momma (and my Mom) and attending the Cathedral in the old neighborhood that I had grown up in. Mending. Actually found a job teaching classes online via Kolbe Academy for the following year and then my garage burned down. That took me back to Crawfordsville.

So, August 2014, I began teaching on line and remained in Indiana - very quickly I became ill. I did not discover until after an extended trip during Christmas - and the birth of grandson #2 that my house was making me ill (specifically, my favorite carpet - that's an entirely different story regarding someone locking a feral cat in the house for a week (not deliberately)). I completed my online teaching around the same time as my return to Massachusetts for the birth of my third grandson. (June 2015).

And, then, the last blow: an arrival of someone into my world whom I didn't want to see.

With the help of my family, I packed up a Penske truck, moved to South Carolina and obtained a job three days after moving in. I have spent the last year here - unsettled - not really putting down roots. However, it has been a time where I have felt many times that I just couldn't make it another day and somehow I did. I had time with my big brother and sister-in-law that has truly been comforting and fun. (Yes, I would choose to hang with them as friends - not just because they are family - who knew???)

Everyone close to me should know that I love seeing symbolism (meaning) in many things surrounding me. I felt last night that the graduation ceremony was a fitting end to my career as a high school teacher - I loved the fact that the entire senior class and most of the auditorium sang the Alma Mater a cappella! (It was off key (yes, I always sing off key but I can hear it!) but it was beautiful).

Also, yesterday, before I left for graduation, I finally saw why I haven't seen the one female mallard on our pond lately - she was swimming with ducklings!

Side note: (Boston: the first thing that I wanted to see (as a tourist) was the swan boats and the Make Way for Ducklings statue in the Public Gardens. My children had sent me photos first but I finally got to go there with my children and first grandbaby. I have loved that book since I was a very little girl and my parents brought it back to us after they went to visit friends (which determined my father's future path as a doctor). ) This morning, she marched 13 little ducklings from the front of my building to the pond - Jack and I just stood and "made way for the ducklings". She looked so beautiful and proud as she marched along with her chest thrust forward and quietly quacked orders to her little brood.

My next journey will be the pathway back to the Boston area and to "my" ducklings:

I'm breaking....

17 days is 17 days too many. I cannot handle the behaviors in my classes - escalating out of control. Finally, finally, finally the administration is responding by assigning suspensions (either in or out of school). However, I feel entirely threatened when the student returns to my classroom - angry and demanding why I "gave" them a suspension. I didn't give them anything. I reported inappropriate behaviors and I have no idea at what step they are in the disciplinary process so I don't know what they are going to be assigned.

I do not feel safe. I cannot handle the defiance and rudeness. I cannot quiet the last class of the day. I honestly feel as though I will jump out of that window in that classroom. I assigned homework last night - I received three papers out of thirty.

Truly, truly, truly - I feel as though I am going insane.

Chance Encounters

Omo omo omo I found a chingu!!! She's young, works at LensCrafters, and her name is Jennifer.

She was obviously Asian - helping me look at new frames - when we sat down, we quickly eliminated my tray of possibilities (both of us leaning towards the same pair on me). My little "voice" kept nudging me "ask her, ask her". You know what I wanted to know! She's Filipina but, she spent 5 years in Korea while her husband was stationed there! Yes, she reads, writes, and speaks Korean!

And, her favorite Korean actor: Hyun Bin!!! She high-fived me!

I told her that I loved K-dramas, kimchi and bulgogi (she said that are no good Korean restaurants around here but there is one at a gas station - yeah, strange, but one of my colleagues had mentioned that place before because she always eats out). Then, we spoke about K-pop - we both agreed about Super Junior and Rain!! (another high-five!)

She is obviously closer to my daughter's ages but she thought that I was "cute". She said that she has never met a "white" person who likes K-dramas and K-pop - however, she told me there is a black girl that she works with who also loves K-dramas. She suggested that we form a club! I told her that I would love that - I actually got to speak a little Korean with her and she taught me some grammar basics. (along with a new phrase).

Anyway, she will text me when my glasses are ready for pick up. I know I don't have much longer here but maybe I can get the use of one of the rooms at the community center to use a big screen for a Korean movie night??? I haven't felt this excited since I spent that evening with my friends who work here.

Currently, I have two friends via Facebook who also love K-dramas and K-pop but they both live in California -  one is learning Chinese (she watches more Taiwanese dramas) and the other is Filipina (also trying to learn Korean). Oh, and one of my old college friends adopted Chinese daughters so he is raising them with a love for their culture and they are Girls' Generation fans - so he is familiar with some of the K-pop and sometimes shares song links with me - and listens to ones that I post.

So exciting to meet someone who wouldn't mind teaching me some more Korean! Thank you, God, for chance encounters! (God-incidences!).

Headaches and dreams

I awaken from sleep with a raging headache. This happens every now and then, particularly when the dreams seem exceedingly "real".

Who knows what triggers the images that appear in my dreams? I don't write my dreams down (my mother used to keep a dream journal) but so many of my dreams are like nightmares that I don't want them written down to re-hash (if they are particularly upsetting, then they will return). Yes, my mind does re-runs!

So, what was the focus last night/this morning? I was raising children - all children whom I knew and recognized but were not biologically mine. In my dream, my  biological children were all grown up (as they are) but I was raising some of their friends/boyfriends and an additional child who was supposedly one belonging to my husband. I even had a long conversation with her mother about how I was raising/teaching her (and her mother was one of his old girlfriends - from before we got married - and she was in total accord as to how I was raising her child).

I had deep conversations with several people throughout this dream - giving it a very "real" quality. I was checking homework for these children. Their ages weren't lining up with my children's - for example, one former boyfriend of one of my daughter's was younger than her in my dream and I was scolding him for his lack of concern about his grades - doing his work only half-way.

The images are still quite vivid and my head feels as though it is splitting. I am experiencing the tinnitus that accompanies some of my migraines. And, the priest, in his homily today in Mass, mentioned that he saw his old high school teacher who used to buy all kinds of things to help his students learn and thanked him for caring for all of them so much. He realized that his teacher (who was a Brother) didn't earn much of a salary. (That struck a chord!).

You will hear teachers speak all the time about "their" kids. There are students we never forget because of the concerns we had for them or because they were shining lights in our days but once we have taught a child that student will forever be one of "our" kids.

So, why were my babies their rightful ages in this crazy dream? Probably because they have grown up well. They are such beautiful people - shining in the Lord's grace - much better than I ever was or will be. Thank you God for taking my parenting mistakes and redeeming them all for such a beautiful legacy - even reminding me of that in my dreams!

Saturday mornings

After a difficult week at school, Saturday mornings are my time to "re-charge". After taking care of the dog, I spend my time sipping on coffee, scrolling through posts (praying for requests on my feed), and relaxing in my recliner.

Depending on the time of year, sports events may be on in the background. I love college football and basketball seasons! Not only do I enjoy watching and rooting for my teams but I truly enjoy the sports involved. For someone like me, the Olympics are always an exciting series of events that almost keep me glued to the TV.

This is also a time that I use for my own studies: whether it is through reading for knowledge, learning new vocabulary in a foreign language, or even just relaxing with a good novel. What do I study? Well, learning more about theology and apologetics, currently Korean studies and Spanish/Chilean dialect (youtube videos work well sometimes for both), new advances in science: particularly my field of biology but having to pay attention to chemistry and physics due to the courses that I am currently teaching.

Saturdays are also my time for mundane activities: I clean, do laundry, put things away, pay bills, and feel more like a normal person. The week is so focused on lessons, discipline, grading, paperwork, etc., that I don't feel as though I have any time to be "me". I appreciate mass on Sundays but regret that I have not found any nearby parishes with daily masses that I can attend or have adoration chapels where I feel comfortable going in the midst of the night.

Transition: I know that's where I am right now. This too shall pass. I am stuck in a couple of places at the moment. My journeys will continue - everything just hasn't fallen quite into place yet for me to plan specifics. Hopefully, soon.

Plan B

My brother says that you always have to have a Plan B. Obviously, Plan A is not working out well for me so it is time to focus on making the best of Plan A as it unravels while putting together a solid Plan B.

Main Foci in life:
1) Family
2) Faith
3) Learning
4) Work

Yes, work is purely so that I can take care of the other things in my life. Yes, I am an ambitious person to some extent - but I have never had to succeed to the point of being the manager/supervisor/leader. I am perfectly fine being the worker bee - not the Queen.

Why? Because family/people come first. What truly matters in life comes down to relationships and the good that you were able to do for others. God knows that my babies and their families are everything to me. They have kept me going throughout the years. Choices I have made to focus on the family instead of on career -

Every new community meant plugging into the Church, the schools, and the library. Why have I not been following the basics during this latest move? Fear, trepidation, anxiety, depression - all these have taken over my personality. When did I lose my self-confidence? I used to feel as though I was a strong person. It's been years now since I have felt that way.

I have hills and valleys that I experience during my struggles. Sometimes I feel as though I am truly succeeding and then I end up experiencing the lows once again. God is speaking to me (sometimes I tell him that he needs to hit me over the head so that I hear) - but I do need to be able to listen and to follow obediently.  I see how well my babies listen and follow Him and I am reminded of all the years that I spent on my knees placing their welfare in His hands since I couldn't always be there to protect them.

Now, He is clearly telling me that I need to start asking for things for myself. I have neglected myself for too long. What is it that would make me feel more whole? Teaching is no longer a joyful experience - however, I need to count my last days of teaching - not with fear and trepidation - but with doing my absolute best to at least reach the few who are trying to learn so desperately in the environment that they find themselves in. If I can do this, then I can at least bring some hope/learning to those who are receptive.

In addition, I need to look at what will help me grow in my own faith and learning. I have been so inundated in having to learn subjects that are not my field that I have neglected my faith studies and my own quest for knowledge in learning a new language. Those are some of the things that keep me looking forward rather than backward. St. Helena is such a beautiful role model for me - as are many of the saints as I learn more about their lives and their struggles. And, yet, they became saints. Isn't that what we all seek? Not for glory - but to be the workers for our Lord and to make a difference in others' lives along the way?

The readings for the Gospel today deal with the prodigal son. There are two "prodigal" sons in my life. One is my husband (yes, he is still truly my husband regardless of the papers existing of a civil divorce) and the other is a young man whom we took into our lives who decided to disappear.  Both of them have made their choices to "break" family ties. They remain in my prayers. But, I have to remember to focus on those who remain in front of me.

God has blessed me with so much and I need to focus on that part of my life. What gifts do I have that I need to share with others? This is Laetare Sunday - as Isaiah reminds us: "rejoice with joy, you that have been in sorrow". 

I have a true plan B mulling around in my heart and my head. Another move is coming up in my near future - thanks to the love and blessings of my children - but I need to fully prepare for it so that I am not a burden - and am a blessing to them as well. 

Saturdays

Today is a beautifully brilliant bright day. I enjoy warmth - it's a bit chilly at 54 degrees - but this is winter and I could be in a much colder place at this time.

My tasks for the day include: cleaning the kitchen, grading papers, taking care of the dog, and general straightening. I will intersperse this with reading, prayer, relaxing, and either enjoying a K-drama/movie or K-pop.

This is a time of healing. Surviving - the best that I can.

Since my new meds, I can report that I can breathe more easily (I don't feel as though there are bricks weighing down my chest), the panic meds seem to be more effective, and I've noticed that when I work against my tachycardia meds, a migraine ensues. Which means: I feel more normal. The depression never truly leaves but I am not so immersed that I can't function - nor recognize my blessings. Yes, I fear going out and about on my own - but that is an "introvert" thing. I could do it if I absolutely had to do so.

My word for the day: gidaryeo. (Wait (for me)). Learning how to be patient and to wait. Eventually, the house will sell, I will move out of the apartment, I will move forward.

However, this is my song:

Daily Struggles - and Blessings....

It was a tough day at school. However, in the midst of the anxiety, stress, and worries of the day, I was blessed by the actions of several children. 

Near the end of my first class, someone sprayed something in the room that shut down my airway fairly quickly. I immediately had a student raise the back window while I stayed up by my desk. I could feel my strength waning but I didn't want to show much of a reaction when it was almost time for the bell to ring. Apparently, it was evident to a couple of students that I was in distress because one of the girls came up to me and commented that my face was really flushed - she asked if she should call the nurse. I told her that I would be fine - not to worry. As the room emptied, she stayed behind and asked me again if I was okay. I told her that I had some medicine in my closet and she walked with me to make sure that I was fine. She didn't leave until after I had retrieved my inhaler. She told me that she didn't see who had sprayed it - and apologized. What a sweet child! 

During lunch time, three students stopped by to check on me. They were concerned as to whether or not I was okay. I told them that I was doing fine and thanked them for stopping by. (I must have looked as bad as I felt when they had left my class earlier...so much for trying to hide my symptoms). 

After school, I had another student show up for help with his chemistry. He pulled out his phone with a photo of Elvis etched into the back of it and commented that was his favorite singer of all time. I laughed and told him that I was a big Elvis fan but I was surprised that he was. It was his mom's favorite singer - she passed away a few years ago - and they used to sing Elvis songs in the kitchen while she cooked and he did homework. Then I find out that he was adopted - and that he has a 5 year old little brother (also adopted) by his foster parents. This young man shared with me that he is going to enlist in the army, plans to pursue studies in meteorology, and make his mom proud. His mom had to have been a very special person. What a gift I received today!

Gwaenchanhayo

"It's all right/okay" or "Are you all right/okay?" Difference being intonation, of course!

I have thoroughly enjoyed delving into my Korean studies today. No, I didn't binge on watching K-dramas or listening to K-pop. I actually spent time writing/studying Hangul and learning vocabulary.
Waeyo? I don't know if I can even explain it. I have always loved studying etymology/linguistics/languages - my Dad instilled that in me when he started teaching me Spanish when I was only 5 years old. He set up a little classroom area in his "office" and taught me from an old brown book that I think first belonged to my maternal grandmother (a high school Spanish/English teacher).

Over the years, I added German phrases (my German grandmother!), French, Italian, Japanese (something about a Girl Scout badge way back when) - learning polite words in many languages. (Please, thank you, excuse me, you're welcome, etc.). During junior high, I had a social studies teacher who instilled in me my love of Russian history (Miss Hamilton). Then, in high school, I participated in the pen pal program: gaining "friends" in Morocco, Germany, South Africa, Hong Kong, and Ireland. I wish I could say that I am still in contact with all of them - but I am not. I do still have their letters and photos. I wonder if they have mine. I became fairly fluent in Spanish during my high school years, testing out of my foreign language requirement for college, but fully intending to go on to study Russian language during my college years.

I did that - adding linguistics and literature classes to my curriculum. Linguistics class was taught by one of the Russian language professors - and it introduced so much about etymology, different forms of dialects, etc., sparking my love even further. I don't recall the Swahili that we learned during that class but I remember that it was one of the languages we covered. While browsing the college bookstore, I picked up additional books on learning Gaelic and Chinese. I tried teaching myself those languages, too. I don't know why I didn't ask one of my friends on campus to tutor me - maybe because I was so focused on my major in Russian? When I returned to college, I continued with studies in "The Language of Medicine" and learning Signed English. I went on to use the Signed English as a social worker - assisting me with the American Sign Language that some of my clients used.

It is true that if you don't use it, you lose it. I don't speak Spanish or Russian very well anymore - even though I had once achieved a decent level of fluency. I do understand much more than I can speak. It was nice for awhile when I had local friends of Hispanic descent who would force me to use my Spanish once again. One by one, they got transplanted. *sigh* However, I saw my children make good use of the excellent teachers they had in high school and conversing with their Mexican friends.  I am impressed with their talent!

My dad had that talent: learning/speaking/writing in eight different languages. And, yes, he started learning Russian on his own when I was studying it in college! He was raised in a bilingual household: German remaining the language at home until his great-grandmother passed away when he was 12 years old. In addition, my maternal grandfather was fluent in both Spanish/Portuguese and worked for the United Fruit company - flying back and forth between the US and South America in the early 1940s. Oddly, my mother has no ear for language, nor does she seem to have any desire to learn any other languages. When I told her what I was doing today, she remarked "whatever floats your boat" and her tone was very flat. I sense that she doesn't approve at all. I don't think she ever really approved of me learning Russian either come to think of it. My dad is the one who bought me all of the foreign language books....

My daughter inadvertently sparked my interest in Korean by introducing me to K-dramas. The fact that her mother-in-law is also Korean contributes to my desire to welcome/embrace her language/culture into our own. I have always admired Asian men - dated a young man in college who was Korean/Japanese and another who was Chinese - not counting the others whom I had crushes on/friendships with. Then, years later, my best friends happen to be Japanese and Filipino. I was learning some Tagalog until.....I won't go there. Anyway, Korean is phonetic (like Russian!) - now if I could just master memorizing the alphabet! I am on toddler level right now - just basic words/phrases.

Letting go of my past, walking away from teaching, and learning what I want to learn. Gwaenchanhayo!

Receiving my nudges:

I've prayed for guidance and, gently, I am getting little hints and nudges. Today, I officially resigned my position as of June 1st (the end of the school year). That means I'm done with teaching in schools. Maybe I'll tutor, or return to parish religious education in the future, but the passion is gone. I had to turn in a letter of intent first thing this morning - I listed "relocation" as my reason.

What I have learned over the weekend:
1) I wanted a smaller town so that I could drive less - instead, I am driving more. And, there is no public transit system in place that would allow me to not drive to some of the places I need to go. I see accidents every day - something I just don't recall seeing anywhere else.

2) My big bro and his family go out of their way to check on me and get me out - but they are reaching a point where they want to travel more. I don't want to be their third wheel - they truly deserve time exploring things on their own. I love and appreciate all that they are doing with me and I will treasure this time here always.

3) I've enjoyed spending time with my new church friend and her neighbors - they are trying to convince me to move to their neighborhood. Strike #1: it feels as though it is in the midst of the boonies and, during the flood, they were totally cut off. Strike #2: it has a very strict HOA - where people actually report their neighbors because a Christmas wreath on the door is wider than 18 inches across. Strike #3: it's a 55+ neighborhood and it seems like I am hanging out with my mom and her friends (I feel too young even if I'm not).

Maybe I need to head back home when my lease runs out (if the house still hasn't sold by then). I will make that decision when summer-time draws near. For now, I still have a job and an apartment. Time to make some memories here (without being as stressed about everything).  I need to get to the beach - still haven't gotten there!

Vertigo (and realities)

There was a time when I would never, ever miss church. Part of that was because I didn't always have to drive. Now, I have missed several Sundays - here and there - due to illnesses, floods, etc. I try to watch Mass on EWTN when that happens because I don't want to miss my time with Jesus. Of course, I always feel as though I can talk to Jesus - but it is more comforting to actually be in his presence.

Vertigo has hit me off and on this week. Not as badly as it did several years ago when I couldn't drive anywhere and missed several days of work but it is a bit scary when you get that spinning feeling when sitting in traffic. I truly don't want to cause an accident because I lost it momentarily. I did experience one day at school where I was extremely nauseated and actually had to sit on a stool in order to make in through the lectures of the day. Since then, it has come and gone at odd times - nothing predictable. I fell off of my desk chair one morning - fortunately while it was my prep time and not during class. Random, I know - totally lost my balance and knew I was going to fall. Couldn't stop it though. If I was to get up right now from my recliner, then I would fall over. I can totally feel the imbalance and the tinnitus has started up again.

I can't afford to take another day off this next week because I have to go in to see a specialist the following week. In weighing pros and cons, since the vertigo is a symptom of migraines, I really should consider living somewhere i would have access to public transportation - or where I could walk to many places. Two pluses to living in town in C'ville: could get to a store for milk if needed and originally the car repair shop was downtown so I could drop it off if I had problems and walk home. I also liked being able to walk to the library or to one of my favorite restaurants. And, I did walk to church a couple of times (even though it was a trek).

So, I guess I should be considering my mobility. Received an email from the school's secretary this week (blanket email to all teachers) mentioning the due date for a letter of intent. I must say that I'm not sure what that is all about. Is it a statement as to whether or not you plan on returning to work in the same position the following school year? Back when I worked at a private Catholic school, we actually had to write a letter basically pleading our case to ask for a job for the next year (I really objected to the tone of that but I did comply).  Now, if I need to write a letter by the end of February committing to a position for next year then I am completely torn. I have no desire to continue working in these exact same conditions: yes, I am doing just fine teaching physical science and chemistry but I extremely dislike teaching in these subject areas because they aren't my "passion". My BS degree is in Biology (love, love, love teaching Bio - particularly cell ultrastructure and anatomy/physiology and zoology) - plus I am licensed to teach English (Language Arts) - (again, love, love, love teaching great literature and creative writing). I enjoy algebra but it isn't a passion - much better than what I am doing right now though. I have no desire to "commit" to a school that still hasn't shown me two things: 1) that I will be allowed to teach in my subject areas only and 2) that I will have "back up" from the admin when necessary.  Plus, it is a 30 minute drive - that's not bad - it's just that when I am feeling like this then I can't even drive 5 minutes away. (not safely).

Here I am - I've moved to an area where the weather is much better but did I really consider all of my needs? The big city near my children is looking and sounding more and more appealing. As I have always said (and one of my daughters pointed out to me), people are always more important. (Sorry about the "double" always in the same sentence).

God, please help me sell my house and make the "right" decision.....

my response and musings regarding "mustbethistalltoride"

"But I remember my wife often saying how exhausting it was for her to have to tell me what to do all the time. It’s why the sexiest thing a man can say to his partner is “I got this,” and then take care of whatever needs taken care of.

I always reasoned: “If you just tell me what you want me to do, I’ll gladly do it.”

But she didn’t want to be my mother. She wanted to be my partner, and she wanted me to apply all of my intelligence and learning capabilities to the logistics of managing our lives and household.

She wanted me to figure out all of the things that need done, and devise my own method of task management.

I wish I could remember what seemed so unreasonable to me about that at the time.

Men Can Do Things

Men invented heavy machines that can fly in the air reliably and safely. Men proved the heliocentric model of the solar system, establishing that the Earth orbits the Sun. Men design and build skyscrapers, and take hearts and other human organs from dead people and replace the corresponding failing organs inside of living people, and then those people stay alive afterward. Which is insane.

Men are totally good at stuff.

Men are perfectly capable of doing a lot of these things our wives complain about. What we are not good at is being psychic, or accurately predicting how our wives might feel about any given thing because male and female emotional responses tend to differ pretty dramatically.

‘Hey Matt! Why would you leave a glass by the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher?’

Several reasons.

I may want to use it again.
I don’t care if a glass is sitting by the sink unless guests are coming over.
I will never care about a glass sitting by the sink. Ever. It’s impossible. It’s like asking me to make myself interested in crocheting, or to enjoy yardwork. I don’t want to crochet things. And it’s hard for me to imagine a scenario in which doing a bunch of work in my yard sounds more appealing than ANY of several thousand less-sucky things which could be done.
There is only ONE reason I will ever stop leaving that glass by the sink. A lesson I learned much too late: Because I love and respect my partner, and it REALLY matters to her. I understand that when I leave that glass there, it hurts her— literally causes her pain—because it feels to her like I just said: “Hey. I don’t respect you or value your thoughts and opinions. Not taking four seconds to put my glass in the dishwasher is more important to me than you are.”

All the sudden, it’s not about something as benign and meaningless as a (quasi) dirty dish.

Now, it’s a meaningful act of love and sacrifice, and really? Four seconds? That doesn’t seem like the kind of thing too big to do for the person who sacrifices daily for me.

I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.

Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.

Caring about her = “Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?”

Caring about her = a million little things that say “I love you” more than speaking the words ever can.

Yes, It’s That Simple."

One of my Catholic friends posted this on her wall. I wanted to respond on his blog but I just couldn't bring myself into that "realm of criticism". There were a lot of mean things said in answer to his words. I know that he is trying to make sense of it all. How can there be any sense? He doesn't have the "Catholic" perspective because he doesn't view himself as still being married - he refers to himself as divorced and single. He is taking it as a learning experience and moving forward. I am not divorced and "single" - I am alone but still married in the eyes of the Church. Once upon a time this really meant something in our societal values. Today's world is much more selfish - "if I think it, then it is my truth" and no one can infringe upon that. Just look at how you can "name your own gender" and everyone has to go along with it. Sorry, I still don't want someone who is biologically a man in the same bathroom as me - I don't know if he really "believes" he is a woman or if he has just found another way to victimize women. I'm not in his head but I can readily identify the biology.

So, how do I deal with this information? I've done what he's done - "what if?" What could I have done differently to preserve my marriage? I never stopped loving my husband no matter what he did. I kept thinking that our vows and God and love would win out. Wrong. So wrong. Even when I saw it spiraling out of my control, there was nothing that I could do at that point. 

Once she started taking all those little acts personally - there was nothing he could have done. He could have started putting that glass in the dishwasher but she wouldn't have recognized it. She was already emotionally gone. Where did she go? Who did she go to? Or did she just want her own space? One thing that I have learned from the men in my life - true story: men don't leave until they have someone new to go to.....and they will make up reasons as to why they had to go. Mine hated me because I was "too old, too fat, too ugly, too stupid, and too Catholic". His actions and demeanor towards me just compounded the depression and anxiety from my PTSD with the normal symptoms of menopause. I felt as though I was losing my mind at times - not being able to recall the "name" of a dishrag (I knew what it was but I couldn't say what it was) - so I guess that could have been me becoming "stupid" after having been called a "brain" all of my life. Suicidal thoughts - I struggle with them so often - but I now recognize that they are just a symptom of my panic attacks (not something to act upon). I still am discovering that I am having difficulties trying to learn new things. I just can't grasp new concepts as easily - I can feel myself shutting down but I can't always stop myself. It's frightening at times. 

The most frustrating thing of all is that all of the medical tests come back that I am "normal". Which means that all my physical symptoms - the migraines, the loss of memory, the feeling of panic that can last for hours  (making my heart pound out of my chest), the depression - crying without being able to stop, the total shutdown and inability to perform simple daily tasks (like putting that dish in the dishwasher), the inability to breathe - sometimes leading to actually passing out or hyperventilation, basically all comes back to childhood trauma and PTSD - meaning it truly "all" is in my head - or my hormones when it is coupled with the menopausal symptoms. This is why I hate going to the doctor - no one ever tells me that there is a reason for all of my symptoms - just that physically speaking - I shouldn't have any of my symptoms (my neurologist was the only one who took it all seriously). As my father always told me - "I'm not going to tell you the side effects because you are a hypochondriac"....so there is my first diagnosis (the heart murmur wasn't discovered until I was 24 years old). 

What should I do? I know psychologically that I need a "safe place". I haven't found it. I used to feel that in my house (and back yard) - but that got "stripped" from me. Going to the chapel in the middle of the night sometimes helped me deal with those feelings - because I could feel safe with Jesus. I'm in a better place weather-wise (cold is so intrusive) but I am definitely not someone who thrives in an apartment-environment. All the noises from my neighbors trigger the anxieties - the sounds are just as jarring to me as a telephone ringing. (I realized that I'm probably just hearing normal sounds but they seem magnified in this environment). I have to lock my door just to step out into the yard - no "safe" feeling there. 

My "brain" capacity seems to be overwhelmed with learning Chemistry and Physical Science. Other tasks that should be extremely easy for me are incredibly difficult. I cannot multi-task without triggering the panic. Today I truly don't feel as though I can handle anything other than grading papers and preparing for classes tomorrow (so I can "survive" one more day). I have to deliberately focus and distract myself with "normal" tasks so that I don't go into panic mode. My new mantra is "Do not rush, do not rush". Step by step, walk myself through it. Is this all my lesson on learning how to "let go and let God"? I keep failing in that - I pray, I go to mass, I spend time trying to build my faith, and I still panic. 

It is comforting to have Jack. He helps me to feel "protected" and I have to get up and take care of him even when I don't feel strong enough to take care of myself. I guess I have never learned to just be me. I have always been some kind of a "care-taker". Is that a valid personality type? Maybe that's why my husband left? 

To sleep, perchance to dream....

That old MASH episode is re-playing in my head again this past week. I've been trying to go to bed early, use calming techniques, etc. and I still end up having horrible dreams. They used to be frightening dreams (my entire life I've experienced continuous nightmares). R chased them away just by his presence. Now that he is gone, he figures prominently in my dreams - arguments, cold insensitivities, etc. So much so that I have panic attacks before bedtime. Even wake up to panic attacks. Mornings like today are blessings in that I have time to get up slowly, sit still, calm down, and savor my morning coffee. As long as I don't rush, don't panic about daily activities, I can make it through the day with some sense of calm and feeling of accomplishment.
God is sending me signs of encouragement throughout the day - Saturday, I had an elderly gentleman (using a walker) blatantly flirt with me - telling me that I reminded him of a lassie that he left on the banks of Loch Lomond back in 1952/3 - I thanked him for sharing his memory with me and he called out "God bless you" as I entered the pharmacy. Then, after Mass yesterday, I could tell that the lady next to me kept watching me and acted as though she wanted to say something - as we gathered our things to leave, she reached over to touch my arm and she said, "have a blessed week". I thanked her and she left.

Immediately after Mass, I met up with another lady whom I had met the previous week in the parish office - we had brunch together and spent the afternoon in conversation. Originally, we were going to go to the movies, but we talked so long that the times were off for the movies we were interested in seeing. There is a "retreat" in preparation for Lent tonight at church that we are thinking of attending. However, today is my big brother's birthday - I will check in with him regarding plans today.

My gut reaction today is to shut down - I slept in a panic, woke in a panic, am just now calming down. I want to focus on learning something that I want to learn - not on lesson plans or grading papers (which I should do!).  Or just clean the apartment....I'm grateful that this is a shortened week. I'll be fine once I have my second cup of coffee....

My head today has one of those congested senses of my "auras" - impending migraine. Something else to divert.

So, let me tell you about the mallards. God knows that I love mallard ducks - one of my favorite childhood books was "Make Way for Ducklings" which Mom and Dad brought back from a trip to Boston that had apparently convinced my dad that he wanted to become a doctor after doing rounds at Mass General with one of his college friends....(Yes, it takes me a long way around to get to the story!).

In the midst of this past week (and all of its stresses), I have enjoyed watching the mallards outside of my apartment (at the retention pond). Somehow, with all the little ducklings that were here when I first moved in, there is now only one little brown female and about a dozen handsome emerald-headed males. They were all chasing after her at the beginning of the week - so intent on winning her over that my presence with the dog had no impact on their activities.  The next day, the same thing occurred - she dodged and ran while they chased after her, flapping their wings, strutting their stuff, etc. Then, on the third day, all of the males were swimming in the pond while one tall, handsome young male escorted her around the outskirts of the pond. That is the scene now - she walks with her handsome beau while the others "cool off" in the water. Thank you God for allowing me to see these lovely glimpses of the beauty and order of this world.