However, if you're looking for my wedding band, then you'll find it in my purple prayer box.....I took it off yesterday after I found out that he is taking her to meet our babies. My sorrow deepens - truly what does God want me to learn from all of this? I don't feel stronger - I feel completely broken. Is that what I need to become a better person?
I am wearing other rings - my hand would feel too "naked" otherwise. My vows are just as strong but the officer was right - they are meaningless to him. How was I fooled? Was I ever loved?
O Mother Mary and Saint Helena, how did you persist? I am no longer meaningful even to my students. I have no one to call - no one to share a cup of coffee or tea. I have become a stranger in a strange land.
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Friday, November 20, 2015
Struggling
So, my police escort on my ride home from school today finally told me this - and he said it was coming from God - that I need to take off my rings since the man who put them there obviously feels that they mean nothing. "God wants me to focus on being married to him and on my beautiful babies and their grandbabies" still struggling with that idea but maybe I will finally get that mother's ring I always wanted.....
Thursday, November 19, 2015
The depths of my sadness....
know no bounds. I just keep sinking lower and lower and lower. I enter my car at the end of the day and I cry all the way home. Even when the tears aren't flowing, they can be felt behind my eyes - ready to be released at any moment. There is no relief in sight - I turn to our mother Mary every night through the rosary, I cannot focus on the music that I enjoy nor even attempt to watch the shows that I prefer - my brain cannot process anything else. Sleep is not a relief - it brings more sorrows.
Every day is a struggle to survive. Deep breaths - one step forward. Could I just have one day of peace where students will actually be attentive, be on task, and be kind to one another? Why do I even care and keep trying when they show no desire to learn? I have finally hit a point where I don't even understand the subjects that I am trying to teach.....this is so beyond me. One more day - then the weekend - I'm up too late - need to go in early to write and to print off a test.....
Every day is a struggle to survive. Deep breaths - one step forward. Could I just have one day of peace where students will actually be attentive, be on task, and be kind to one another? Why do I even care and keep trying when they show no desire to learn? I have finally hit a point where I don't even understand the subjects that I am trying to teach.....this is so beyond me. One more day - then the weekend - I'm up too late - need to go in early to write and to print off a test.....
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Flourish
So, in the midst of my overly-stressed world, I am trying to focus on how I can become a better person. I am beginning with the book Flourish by Seligman which was given to me last Christmas by my co-madre. Recommended: take the Signature Strengths survey and then act upon it. Step one - here is the list of my top five strengths:
Your Top Strength
Love of learning -
You
love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always
loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an
opportunity to learn.
Your Second Strength
Spirituality, sense of purpose, and faith -
You
have strong and coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the
universe. You know where you fit in the larger scheme. Your beliefs shape your
actions and are a source of comfort to you.
Strength #3
Appreciation of beauty and excellence -
You
notice and appreciate beauty, excellence, and/or skilled performance in all
domains of life, from nature to art to mathematics to science to everyday
experience.
Strength #4
Gratitude -
You
are aware of the good things that happen to you, and you never take them for
granted. Your friends and family members know that you are a grateful person
because you always take the time to express your thanks.
Strength #5
Kindness and generosity -
You
are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You
enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.
Now, the task is to create a new way of using my strength and then write about the experience. I am resting today (very deliberately de-stressing) - it is still early in the afternoon and my focus is on accomplishing small things, one by one, to build up a feeling of accomplishment for myself. In the process, I will try to come up with something....
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Anniversaries
This has been a rough couple of weeks. Fourteen days ago, I weighed in at 131 lbs. - for the past two days, I have weighed in at 123 lbs. stressed? Oh no, not at all. I have been trying my absolute best to ignore the meaning of days within this time span and, of course, the nightmares have returned to haunt me. Today, is another anniversary: Mom and Dad's. Yesterday, was the anniversary of Dad's death (also my nephew's birthday) - last week was my Dad's death anniversary (on the same day as my SIL's birthday). I tried to just focus on celebrating her day. I don't even want to think about the other dates.
On top of that, there is no more joy in teaching. The students here need daily correction as to how to behave like young ladies and gentleman with little to no desire to learn. It is too draining. I feel as though I am a glorified "warden" and I have such a difficult time studying ahead of time and learning the material myself that I have no clue how to make it "fun" - especially when I can't trust any of them in the lab when they can't follow basic rules of decency, attentiveness, and safety.
Am I becoming so cynical? or are they just breaking me? Five years and I will be fully vested in state retirement - not so sure that I can last that long. The one thing that I do have control over: the state has issued an additional Restricted Science endorsement on my Biology and English teaching license - but I am supposed to take 6-8 credit hours of Physics within the next couple of years to maintain it. I am not going to spend my money on taking a class that I have no interest in learning any more about - rather that kind of money will go towards getting certified in TEFL, learning Korean, or into the travel fund....
Once again, I arise, I relax with my coffee, and then as the day progresses, I start having to calm myself down as the weekend comes to a close and the anxiety strikes. Looking towards Thanksgiving break followed by Christmas. Going to mass soon for even more reinforcement. (Even that is anxiety ridden as you have to arrive really early every Sunday to find a space in the parking lot and then find a place in a pew....)
On top of that, there is no more joy in teaching. The students here need daily correction as to how to behave like young ladies and gentleman with little to no desire to learn. It is too draining. I feel as though I am a glorified "warden" and I have such a difficult time studying ahead of time and learning the material myself that I have no clue how to make it "fun" - especially when I can't trust any of them in the lab when they can't follow basic rules of decency, attentiveness, and safety.
Am I becoming so cynical? or are they just breaking me? Five years and I will be fully vested in state retirement - not so sure that I can last that long. The one thing that I do have control over: the state has issued an additional Restricted Science endorsement on my Biology and English teaching license - but I am supposed to take 6-8 credit hours of Physics within the next couple of years to maintain it. I am not going to spend my money on taking a class that I have no interest in learning any more about - rather that kind of money will go towards getting certified in TEFL, learning Korean, or into the travel fund....
Once again, I arise, I relax with my coffee, and then as the day progresses, I start having to calm myself down as the weekend comes to a close and the anxiety strikes. Looking towards Thanksgiving break followed by Christmas. Going to mass soon for even more reinforcement. (Even that is anxiety ridden as you have to arrive really early every Sunday to find a space in the parking lot and then find a place in a pew....)
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Jesus take the wheel
So, rough night last night - woke up from screaming in my nightmare - took awhile to calm down and go back to sleep. Had a decent day at school - then I put my guardian angel to the test on the way home. Thank God for brakes! I came within a foot or closer of taking out both myself and a young lady making a left turn in front of me (my fault - I didn't see the curve or the yield sign until I was entering the intersection). I backed up and straightened up the car and apologized profusely - she smiled and said "it's okay honey - no one got hurt" . She had every right to be angry but she was just grateful instead - what a wonderful attitude! I think that I have a bit of whiplash tonight - nor do I want to sleep - for fear of the nightmares. Trying to unwind and to be thankful for all the blessings of the day.....
Sunday, October 4, 2015
Musings
In order to keep my depression in check, I moved. Apparently not far enough away for me. The best I can do is "act" once again. I am good at that. Another knife in my heart today.
Pretend I don't care - pretend all is well.
Someday I will be strong again - or was I ever?
Pretend I don't care - pretend all is well.
Someday I will be strong again - or was I ever?
Sunday, September 27, 2015
Still...
I know, I've used this video before but this is how I still feel. The more I watch the coverage on the World Meeting of Families, the more depressed I become. My dream: to grow old together, travel, enjoy our grandbabies, live on a compound with our best friends, and it's shattered - all shattered. I do not know how everything snowballed like that - I have an entire list of should haves - including been strong enough to put up a bigger fight to save our family. Mianhae, mianhamnida .....
Maybe I should just return home and spend my last days in that house - as I had originally intended. Passing of time and change of place are doing nothing to heal my wounds.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
You Are Mine
The tears just started flowing. I felt as though I was "home".
Jesus is here in the sanctuary - and St. Theresa of the Little Flower is over to the right. Then I went back to the back of the church and look what I saw:
And St. Joseph
I lit a candle and prayed for all of my babies and grandbabies.
The Knights of Columbus were not in regalia but they served as the acolytes and as the extraordinary ministers of Holy Communion while the Monsignor and the Parochial Vicar distributed the "body of Christ".
Breakfast was served in the Parish Hall. Good cup of coffee. I went back to the church and discovered that there was a Holy Water dispenser. I walked back to the car, enjoying the little garden areas: one with Jesus and the sacred heart and the other with St. Francis, and returned with an empty water bottle and brought home some Holy Water for my little font by the door.
Oh, it was also Monsignor's 70th birthday: they sang to him at the end of Mass and brought him a cake (which was served at the breakfast).
I felt so at home and at peace. This is a place where I can heal.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
New adventures of Binnie, Helena and me!
Binnie <3
Helena is a Garmin Nuvi55. Her voice is quite comforting as she directs me around my new area. Just like St. Helena, she is showing me the way. Jack, Honey and I are having new adventures here at the apartment while Binnie and Helena are teaching me how to explore. Three weeks ago today, I unloaded the Penske truck. I have my moments where I wonder if I should pack up and go back to Indiana but I don't think that going backwards would help me out.
Stepping out in faith.
This is my way of the cross.
Hyun Bin ssi - the "real" Binnie singing Dream in My Heart
Friday, August 21, 2015
Farewells
Strangest dreams last night
They were all about farewells. It was truly sad. My best friends threw a huge celebration and it just so happened that I was going to be leaving. I spent my time during the party wandering through and saying goodbye.
Then, he showed up with HER. Was totally surprised when he was asked to leave.
More goodbyes but I kept searching for one person and I never found him before I had to leave.
Woke up feeling very, very sad.
First song that played in my car this morning: without u by 2PM "I'm gonna get stronger..."
They were all about farewells. It was truly sad. My best friends threw a huge celebration and it just so happened that I was going to be leaving. I spent my time during the party wandering through and saying goodbye.
Then, he showed up with HER. Was totally surprised when he was asked to leave.
More goodbyes but I kept searching for one person and I never found him before I had to leave.
Woke up feeling very, very sad.
First song that played in my car this morning: without u by 2PM "I'm gonna get stronger..."
Sunday, August 16, 2015
The Adventures of Honey, Jack, and me....
Okay, so that was going to be the original title of this blog. These past two weeks have been quite an adventure for the three of us!
Two weeks ago today: Fr. blessed me for my upcoming journey.
The following Wednesday: I picked up the rental truck and had two separate sets of movers show up to load the piano and then my furniture/items for a 1 bedroom apartment.
Thursday: departure for Boston/Natick. Took me two days: total of 20 hours. Arrived at my oldest daughter's home. Enjoyed a whirlwind weekend with my two oldest daughters, my sons-in-law, and my five grandbabies - and enjoyed two different parties! :) (they have such delightful friends!)
Last Sunday, celebrated Mass at St. Linus, visited my first H-Mart, and got on the road again! Pulled into my final destination in South Carolina late Monday night (after another 20 hours) and showed up at my new apartment complex first thing in the morning - got the apartment keys, movers arrived and unloaded, Big Bro helped with Jack, the internet/TV guy arrived, returned the truck, picked up a rental car, and that was just the first day!
Wednesday, I spent my time exploring the area, had a local cashier recommend a particular school district, came back and applied and:
Had an interview on Thursday and was offered a job on Friday afternoon! I start work tomorrow! And, yes, I found a teaching position - I don't have to work in retail for now.
Today, I found my new parish and celebrated Mass. Jesus is there in the Church - not removed out of sight in another area - he's right there and it looks like there is a little chapel on the other side? Also, there is a pipe organ and they are beginning a bell choir! Oh my - how I loved the bell choir at the Presbyterian Church that I was baptized in (and where my aunt was the organist! it was my grandmother's job first...). I picked up the registration packet and brought it back.
Next, get another car. I've got the rental at the moment but, now that I have a job, I need to see if I can obtain the financing for either a lease or a used car. On the agenda for this week!
Meanwhile, back home in Indiana, my best friends have been working like Trojans to spruce up my house and my yard so that it sells sooner. There is actually a showing tomorrow!
How is Jack doing? Well, this has been tough on him. Definitely, he is better off by being by my side. He still isn't eating regularly and the crate isn't the best solution for him when I leave the apartment. I have installed tall pet gates at either end of the kitchen - ah, yesterday, he somehow busted through one of the gates and threw his food all over the kitchen floor. I locked him back in there until he ate all the food that he had strewn on the floor. He did that immediately - he knew!!! Proof that he knows what he is doing, when I let him out last night, this is where he ended up:
Two weeks ago today: Fr. blessed me for my upcoming journey.
The following Wednesday: I picked up the rental truck and had two separate sets of movers show up to load the piano and then my furniture/items for a 1 bedroom apartment.
Thursday: departure for Boston/Natick. Took me two days: total of 20 hours. Arrived at my oldest daughter's home. Enjoyed a whirlwind weekend with my two oldest daughters, my sons-in-law, and my five grandbabies - and enjoyed two different parties! :) (they have such delightful friends!)
Last Sunday, celebrated Mass at St. Linus, visited my first H-Mart, and got on the road again! Pulled into my final destination in South Carolina late Monday night (after another 20 hours) and showed up at my new apartment complex first thing in the morning - got the apartment keys, movers arrived and unloaded, Big Bro helped with Jack, the internet/TV guy arrived, returned the truck, picked up a rental car, and that was just the first day!
Wednesday, I spent my time exploring the area, had a local cashier recommend a particular school district, came back and applied and:
Had an interview on Thursday and was offered a job on Friday afternoon! I start work tomorrow! And, yes, I found a teaching position - I don't have to work in retail for now.
Today, I found my new parish and celebrated Mass. Jesus is there in the Church - not removed out of sight in another area - he's right there and it looks like there is a little chapel on the other side? Also, there is a pipe organ and they are beginning a bell choir! Oh my - how I loved the bell choir at the Presbyterian Church that I was baptized in (and where my aunt was the organist! it was my grandmother's job first...). I picked up the registration packet and brought it back.
Next, get another car. I've got the rental at the moment but, now that I have a job, I need to see if I can obtain the financing for either a lease or a used car. On the agenda for this week!
Meanwhile, back home in Indiana, my best friends have been working like Trojans to spruce up my house and my yard so that it sells sooner. There is actually a showing tomorrow!
How is Jack doing? Well, this has been tough on him. Definitely, he is better off by being by my side. He still isn't eating regularly and the crate isn't the best solution for him when I leave the apartment. I have installed tall pet gates at either end of the kitchen - ah, yesterday, he somehow busted through one of the gates and threw his food all over the kitchen floor. I locked him back in there until he ate all the food that he had strewn on the floor. He did that immediately - he knew!!! Proof that he knows what he is doing, when I let him out last night, this is where he ended up:
So, my new start begins! Welcome to my ongoing adventure..................................
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Time forgets
This video / song has been in my playlist for awhile but I finally was able to read all the words in English. So apropos.
As I prepare to make this giant step of heading to a new place, a new adventure, trusting in God, I cannot help but be haunted by all of my memories.
It hit me hard yesterday when I finally told him that I was leaving. We had one of those normal, civil conversations about our children, moving the piano into the house and the history of it, and what to do about the financial situations that still connect us. I told him that he could reach me at my brother's if he needed and he seemed to dismiss that information quite easily. I seemed so calm and collected and I realized that I was falling for his charm all over again. Focus, remember what is actually going on (even though he has not imparted any of that information), and let go. Can I say this? I hope that I never have to see him again in my lifetime.
I know in my head that there are future events that we must attend together - I just don't feel as though I can handle it in my heart. It's becoming deadened. I can feel it every time I see him. Close it off, don't think, don't feel, don't say anything about your true feelings. Ah, I've had to be an actress all my life. Here I go again. Breathe, just breathe. Put one foot in front of the other and move forward.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
I "need" my Grammie...
For the first time in my life, I feel as though I truly "need" my Grammie. There is absolutely no one around me who understands and feels what I am feeling.
Where are the Catholics who feel as though their marriages were sacramental? Absolutely everyone who is divorced and Catholic who I have spoken/communicated with seems to believe that an annulment and someone else is in their future. My mind is blown. My heart is hurting.
The only person that seems to come close to my way of thinking is my Grammie and she passed away about a dozen years ago now. We were never close. She scared me. However, we did have some rare moments that are fresh in my memory as though they were yesterday.
So, back in my senior year of Grinnell, I asked my Grammie why she had never dated/re-married after Granddaddy had passed away. Her response was classic: "When you've already had the best, you don't look for anyone else". She was close to 60 when he died so suddenly. And she returned to a career in nursing.
Where is someone who believes truly in their vows? Where is someone who felt that they had a sacramental marriage? (Don't point out the ones who are still married). My grandmother was a staunch Presbyterian but she believed so strongly in her vows that she always commemorated their wedding anniversary - even 40+ years after Granddaddy was gone. And she truly believed that he was waiting for her.
Why does no one else understand that I took vows that I cannot break? That I was already married to the love of my life? That I am not looking towards another man in my future - ever. Yes, I truly miss experiencing that love and companionship but a promise is a promise is a promise - and vows are so much stronger than that! They are made in accord with God himself. You aren't just breaking a promise to your spouse but to God as well! Does no one else get this? Why is everyone looking for a "loophole"????? Because it's easier???
Yes, I "fangirl" - that doesn't mean one bit that I am looking for anyone else. I've always had "stars" that I admired and followed - I just can't follow any of the "conventional" ones anymore because they all remind me of my husband - all the music, concerts, movies, shows that we shared. Doesn't anyone else get that all of those reminders hurt???? I am doing the absolute best that I can to look "forward". I don't fantasize about others - I never did - much to the distaste of my husband - for I never wanted to "role play" (I know, TMI but true story). Why? Because I had all that I needed with him. He made my nightmares go away - and he brought them back again.
One stupid piece of paper - and legal "decree" - doesn't break the vows and the bonds that are made before God. He is still my husband - whether or not he wants to believe it, act it, etc. And all that he does still hurts me tremendously. It cuts my soul like a knife every time I see him, talk to him, think of him. Breathe, just breathe. Concentrate. Learn something new. Act as if all is well. Pray, pray hard. Saint Helena, pray for me. Help me find a way to carry my cross - and do it well.
Where are the Catholics who feel as though their marriages were sacramental? Absolutely everyone who is divorced and Catholic who I have spoken/communicated with seems to believe that an annulment and someone else is in their future. My mind is blown. My heart is hurting.
The only person that seems to come close to my way of thinking is my Grammie and she passed away about a dozen years ago now. We were never close. She scared me. However, we did have some rare moments that are fresh in my memory as though they were yesterday.
So, back in my senior year of Grinnell, I asked my Grammie why she had never dated/re-married after Granddaddy had passed away. Her response was classic: "When you've already had the best, you don't look for anyone else". She was close to 60 when he died so suddenly. And she returned to a career in nursing.
Where is someone who believes truly in their vows? Where is someone who felt that they had a sacramental marriage? (Don't point out the ones who are still married). My grandmother was a staunch Presbyterian but she believed so strongly in her vows that she always commemorated their wedding anniversary - even 40+ years after Granddaddy was gone. And she truly believed that he was waiting for her.
Why does no one else understand that I took vows that I cannot break? That I was already married to the love of my life? That I am not looking towards another man in my future - ever. Yes, I truly miss experiencing that love and companionship but a promise is a promise is a promise - and vows are so much stronger than that! They are made in accord with God himself. You aren't just breaking a promise to your spouse but to God as well! Does no one else get this? Why is everyone looking for a "loophole"????? Because it's easier???
Yes, I "fangirl" - that doesn't mean one bit that I am looking for anyone else. I've always had "stars" that I admired and followed - I just can't follow any of the "conventional" ones anymore because they all remind me of my husband - all the music, concerts, movies, shows that we shared. Doesn't anyone else get that all of those reminders hurt???? I am doing the absolute best that I can to look "forward". I don't fantasize about others - I never did - much to the distaste of my husband - for I never wanted to "role play" (I know, TMI but true story). Why? Because I had all that I needed with him. He made my nightmares go away - and he brought them back again.
One stupid piece of paper - and legal "decree" - doesn't break the vows and the bonds that are made before God. He is still my husband - whether or not he wants to believe it, act it, etc. And all that he does still hurts me tremendously. It cuts my soul like a knife every time I see him, talk to him, think of him. Breathe, just breathe. Concentrate. Learn something new. Act as if all is well. Pray, pray hard. Saint Helena, pray for me. Help me find a way to carry my cross - and do it well.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Storms
Today is the 35th anniversary of when I met my husband.
Thankfully, it is also the feast day of St. Benedict. So, I spent the last hour and a half of the day with Jesus (at the Adoration Chapel). I noticed it was beginning to sprinkle when I left the church parking lot - now it is a full-blown storm. This is another one of those times when I feel as though God is crying with me.
This is the time in my life where I need to think monastically. How can I live the Benedictine rule? Are my dreams and desires in alignment with God's will? Where do I go from here?
Good thing I napped earlier in the evening. Not sleeping anytime soon with all this thunder and lightning.
Thankfully, it is also the feast day of St. Benedict. So, I spent the last hour and a half of the day with Jesus (at the Adoration Chapel). I noticed it was beginning to sprinkle when I left the church parking lot - now it is a full-blown storm. This is another one of those times when I feel as though God is crying with me.
This is the time in my life where I need to think monastically. How can I live the Benedictine rule? Are my dreams and desires in alignment with God's will? Where do I go from here?
Good thing I napped earlier in the evening. Not sleeping anytime soon with all this thunder and lightning.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
The second shoe - it dropped!
So I grew up with kind of a saying in my household: "waiting for the second shoe to drop". Apparently, my great-grandfather had a way of letting my mother know that her "company" was staying too late - he would be upstairs and drop a shoe....that was a warning and so my mother would hurry up to shoo off her company before the second shoe dropped (because that wasn't going to be good!). It had that meaning in our household, that even if something good had happened, there was that anticipation that the second shoe was going to drop (and it wasn't something you wanted to hear!).
Over the past several years, I have been "trained" to expect that "second shoe" whenever he is being extremely nice to me. It's a total set-up. I fall for it every time, even when I know it's coming, and then he drops the second shoe. Today, that second shoe dropped once again. I was fully anticipating it but it came with a curve ball. She has been "in country" since he bought the new house - living with him. Furthermore, "she" is both people that I had accused her of being - having at least three different Facebook names when I first discovered all of "them". Of course, he denied it at the time and he was furious that I had offended her by sending her a message to leave my husband alone. He told me that she wasn't the same person. (Can't even express how much it hurt to have my husband defend his "honeys" from his wife of 30 years). I have someone now who can point to that picture (attached to that other name) and say "yes, she is definitely the one who was with him on Saturday night".
In addition, he took her to an event that I "almost" went to - it would have been devastating. God made sure that didn't happen by having my baby call me and speak to me for about two hours. I was seriously re-considering my earlier decision of not going out that night (since it was our 34th anniversary and I was having a tough time). So glad that I didn't go.
Breathe. Just breathe. And this is the song I'm hearing in my head:
Over the past several years, I have been "trained" to expect that "second shoe" whenever he is being extremely nice to me. It's a total set-up. I fall for it every time, even when I know it's coming, and then he drops the second shoe. Today, that second shoe dropped once again. I was fully anticipating it but it came with a curve ball. She has been "in country" since he bought the new house - living with him. Furthermore, "she" is both people that I had accused her of being - having at least three different Facebook names when I first discovered all of "them". Of course, he denied it at the time and he was furious that I had offended her by sending her a message to leave my husband alone. He told me that she wasn't the same person. (Can't even express how much it hurt to have my husband defend his "honeys" from his wife of 30 years). I have someone now who can point to that picture (attached to that other name) and say "yes, she is definitely the one who was with him on Saturday night".
In addition, he took her to an event that I "almost" went to - it would have been devastating. God made sure that didn't happen by having my baby call me and speak to me for about two hours. I was seriously re-considering my earlier decision of not going out that night (since it was our 34th anniversary and I was having a tough time). So glad that I didn't go.
Breathe. Just breathe. And this is the song I'm hearing in my head:
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Just rambling and ranting....
So, I'm not very happy with the Supreme Court and their recent decisions. Grateful there were some eloquent dissenting opinions. What can I say? Our government has now reduced "marriage" by definition to "just" mean a civil union. How to distinguish? Refer to it as Holy Matrimony when conducted in the Church. And, I'm not going to argue it with anyone - I have very strong visceral reactions and know that I feel deeply that even though I have a civil divorce, I am still married - because the Church says so. Not looking for a debate - just stating facts. (You're not going to see me do anything contrary to my wedding vows anytime soon. )
However, you are going to see me move far, far away. My husband has brought "her" back from overseas - bought a house - and I just can't deal with it. Since I can't go home to Tara, I will just send myself elsewhere. I'm fighting back the only way that I know how as to not "drown" in my depression, PTSD, and panic/anxiety attacks. Adoration and praying the rosary definitely helps but I need a "new adventure" to keep me sane. Good days/bad days - but I'm having more good days at this time. Summertime/sunshine definitely helps - I like warmth and bright, happy days. (Time to go South).
Music. Music has always spoken to me. Give me Air1 or K-pop - both are healing and soothing to my soul. Had a friend call me a "Seoul woman" the other day - cute play on words. Eventually, I will get there - of course, I'm planning on Ireland first with my girls. Have some shrines that I truly want to visit....then later I'll go see the "idols" (haha!).
Finally told my mother to back off on trying to get me a job at an Episcopal school. I told her that the only religious schools that I could work at would be Catholic. We differ too much theologically these days. Wouldn't be comfortable there. Would rather be in a secular public school.
On a "high" note, the last couple of nights I dreamt in Korean. Realized the other day that I'm beginning to understand the words to the songs that I've been listening to every day. Should be able to progress more rapidly now.
However, you are going to see me move far, far away. My husband has brought "her" back from overseas - bought a house - and I just can't deal with it. Since I can't go home to Tara, I will just send myself elsewhere. I'm fighting back the only way that I know how as to not "drown" in my depression, PTSD, and panic/anxiety attacks. Adoration and praying the rosary definitely helps but I need a "new adventure" to keep me sane. Good days/bad days - but I'm having more good days at this time. Summertime/sunshine definitely helps - I like warmth and bright, happy days. (Time to go South).
Music. Music has always spoken to me. Give me Air1 or K-pop - both are healing and soothing to my soul. Had a friend call me a "Seoul woman" the other day - cute play on words. Eventually, I will get there - of course, I'm planning on Ireland first with my girls. Have some shrines that I truly want to visit....then later I'll go see the "idols" (haha!).
Finally told my mother to back off on trying to get me a job at an Episcopal school. I told her that the only religious schools that I could work at would be Catholic. We differ too much theologically these days. Wouldn't be comfortable there. Would rather be in a secular public school.
On a "high" note, the last couple of nights I dreamt in Korean. Realized the other day that I'm beginning to understand the words to the songs that I've been listening to every day. Should be able to progress more rapidly now.
My latest "favorite" song that 2PM just released: My House (by Jun.K)
Friday, June 26, 2015
Coffee (and oxygen?)
Friday morning, up early (went to bed early) and I wake up because I am desperately searching for coffee and oxygen (?) in my dream. My dreams are usually pretty vivid - one reason I guess that they can easily turn into nightmares - and I usually remember them quite well.
Focus on this one: preparations for a "family" vacation. Unknown destination - don't know what to pack. Arrival: suddenly in a boat being towed and at a lakeside campsite. Who am I with? Him. And the kids. (Kids? In real life they are all grown up - in my dream they are young (not little) but young - and all three are there). They are going to charge us more for our stay if we go swimming - I respond that this isn't a "swimming" vacation. He speaks up and says - I brought my swimsuit - I'm going swimming. There is another couple/family with us (I'm not sure who they are). I remember asking why he didn't share that information - feeling shocked and betrayed.
Next thing I know - I'm walking along a path - searching for both coffee and oxygen. With scary blue birds (large yellow bills) up in the trees. Wake up. Guess I couldn't breathe very well last night.
Now, coffee in hand, calming down. Planning my day.
Is this all because he has been here, off and on, this week - repairing the stairs? Or because our 34th Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow? Or because I am working in this house - and finding things that remind me?
Doesn't matter. Making a hair appointment, going to the bank, heading towards adoration (but not till VBS has ended). Survival - cranking up my music. Sipping my coffee. Breathe.
My favorite group (JYJ) singing a song for their fans: "The boy's letter". Recommended by JaeJoong when fans are feeling depressed:
Focus on this one: preparations for a "family" vacation. Unknown destination - don't know what to pack. Arrival: suddenly in a boat being towed and at a lakeside campsite. Who am I with? Him. And the kids. (Kids? In real life they are all grown up - in my dream they are young (not little) but young - and all three are there). They are going to charge us more for our stay if we go swimming - I respond that this isn't a "swimming" vacation. He speaks up and says - I brought my swimsuit - I'm going swimming. There is another couple/family with us (I'm not sure who they are). I remember asking why he didn't share that information - feeling shocked and betrayed.
Next thing I know - I'm walking along a path - searching for both coffee and oxygen. With scary blue birds (large yellow bills) up in the trees. Wake up. Guess I couldn't breathe very well last night.
Now, coffee in hand, calming down. Planning my day.
Is this all because he has been here, off and on, this week - repairing the stairs? Or because our 34th Wedding Anniversary is tomorrow? Or because I am working in this house - and finding things that remind me?
Doesn't matter. Making a hair appointment, going to the bank, heading towards adoration (but not till VBS has ended). Survival - cranking up my music. Sipping my coffee. Breathe.
My favorite group (JYJ) singing a song for their fans: "The boy's letter". Recommended by JaeJoong when fans are feeling depressed:
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Five in five
I've been celebrating the joys of being a Grammie lately. The newest addition made his arrival in early June - and, of course, he's adorable.
All of my "Little Women" and "Little Men" are precious. As I get older, Louisa May Alcott's books speak even more to me than they did when I was a child. I always wanted a dozen children (really, truly!). I had lists of names (and their meanings) ever since my baby brother was first born. I knew that my husband would never go for that many - so we compromised with three (although I was pushing for five!).
Now, my daughters are joyfully becoming wonderful young mothers - and their husbands are incredibly attentive young fathers. I pray daily for their protection. Their blessings are increasing (and mine along with them). We now have five little women (2) and men (3) - within five years' time! Who knew that we would be celebrating like this five years ago?! The oldest and youngest (at the moment) share their birth month - making it five grandbabies within five years!
Another joy is the fact that they will soon be living less than five minutes apart from one another! Ah, to grow up with the extended family and love of aunts/uncles/cousins! And, in this instance, Godparents! Hopefully, in a few years, this circle will also extend to the youngest sister (she is still pursuing her studies and has yet to meet the "right" one, so to speak).
I love watching the interactions of them all. How they navigate their relationships - the usual bumping into one another and tears and hugs and laughter. At the end of the day, it is still hugs and kisses all around - and prayers for one another. I think that if my husband and I had included nightly family prayers then we would have cemented our relationship with one another and with God more fully. (Wishing I could go back in time!).
Thanking God - and drawing closer to our Mother Mary. Keeping the faith - and basking in the blessings of being a grandparent! Five in five - wow, what joys the future holds!
All of my "Little Women" and "Little Men" are precious. As I get older, Louisa May Alcott's books speak even more to me than they did when I was a child. I always wanted a dozen children (really, truly!). I had lists of names (and their meanings) ever since my baby brother was first born. I knew that my husband would never go for that many - so we compromised with three (although I was pushing for five!).
Now, my daughters are joyfully becoming wonderful young mothers - and their husbands are incredibly attentive young fathers. I pray daily for their protection. Their blessings are increasing (and mine along with them). We now have five little women (2) and men (3) - within five years' time! Who knew that we would be celebrating like this five years ago?! The oldest and youngest (at the moment) share their birth month - making it five grandbabies within five years!
Another joy is the fact that they will soon be living less than five minutes apart from one another! Ah, to grow up with the extended family and love of aunts/uncles/cousins! And, in this instance, Godparents! Hopefully, in a few years, this circle will also extend to the youngest sister (she is still pursuing her studies and has yet to meet the "right" one, so to speak).
I love watching the interactions of them all. How they navigate their relationships - the usual bumping into one another and tears and hugs and laughter. At the end of the day, it is still hugs and kisses all around - and prayers for one another. I think that if my husband and I had included nightly family prayers then we would have cemented our relationship with one another and with God more fully. (Wishing I could go back in time!).
Thanking God - and drawing closer to our Mother Mary. Keeping the faith - and basking in the blessings of being a grandparent! Five in five - wow, what joys the future holds!
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Second Installment - Homecoming
That's what it felt like - a "homecoming". I saw cousins and aunts and uncles that I haven't seen in years. I was welcomed - with open arms.
We celebrated Meem. And the pastor was wonderful about focusing on Meem's deep faith. He used her worn, marked-up Bible to illustrate much of his description of Meem and her life. He even said that if Meem's passing just drew one more person closer to the Lord and to Jesus that she would have been happy. True story.
My cousin even put his five-year sobriety chip in the casket with Meem. She was truly a matriarch - well-loved and well-respected.
As I was preparing to get back on the road, the words that I was able to hear: "She loved you and she always appreciated what you did for me." I didn't "need" to hear that - but it sure felt wonderful to have it said.
And, from one of my older cousins, "meet you on Facebook!" It was a time of hugs, kisses, and remembrances. I "needed" to go.
We celebrated Meem. And the pastor was wonderful about focusing on Meem's deep faith. He used her worn, marked-up Bible to illustrate much of his description of Meem and her life. He even said that if Meem's passing just drew one more person closer to the Lord and to Jesus that she would have been happy. True story.
My cousin even put his five-year sobriety chip in the casket with Meem. She was truly a matriarch - well-loved and well-respected.
As I was preparing to get back on the road, the words that I was able to hear: "She loved you and she always appreciated what you did for me." I didn't "need" to hear that - but it sure felt wonderful to have it said.
And, from one of my older cousins, "meet you on Facebook!" It was a time of hugs, kisses, and remembrances. I "needed" to go.
Cousins
P.S. It rained the entire time. God was grieving with us.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
First Installment
My grandmother passed away two days ago. No one called.
I found out about it through Facebook - messaged my sister-in-law and cousin to find out. Only my sister-in-law responded.
I've been told not to stop by the house if I come. I'm going anyway.
Truly the red-headed stepchild - however, I think my big brother feels even worse. He told me that I take things too personally and get my feelings hurt - so I should be like him and not "give a shit". But I know that he does.
Anyway, I will be there at the visitation tomorrow. I will stay for the funeral. I will return home.
If no one talks to me, fine. I know that Meem will know that I was there.
I found out about it through Facebook - messaged my sister-in-law and cousin to find out. Only my sister-in-law responded.
I've been told not to stop by the house if I come. I'm going anyway.
Truly the red-headed stepchild - however, I think my big brother feels even worse. He told me that I take things too personally and get my feelings hurt - so I should be like him and not "give a shit". But I know that he does.
Anyway, I will be there at the visitation tomorrow. I will stay for the funeral. I will return home.
If no one talks to me, fine. I know that Meem will know that I was there.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Looking back and facing forward
Worked on the living room floor yesterday. He came over to get the lawn mower and finally remove his clothes from the closet. In the process, he mowed the backyard for me, fixed the DVD player (it may be dying), removed the set of drawers from the study with his keyboard cables, took his bowling ball, and measured the front rails to replace them. I thought that I was fine - for the first time, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. However, the nightmares came back last night.
I started making a rosary for a precious little girl who celebrates her First Communion today. I finished it early this morning. New beginnings! There is a big celebration today.
So, looking forward: big interview in SC at the end of this week (praying for a job in a new place), niece's college graduation, and heading to Boston at the end of the month to prepare for the arrival of my third grandson, fifth grandchild!
As for the house: finishing the living room floor, the fence is going back up, the front rails and steps will be replaced/repaired, and now I can paint that room! Also, one of my baby girls is moving in for just a few weeks- her family will join her when possible- so, I won't be alone.
I've started dancing again.
I started making a rosary for a precious little girl who celebrates her First Communion today. I finished it early this morning. New beginnings! There is a big celebration today.
So, looking forward: big interview in SC at the end of this week (praying for a job in a new place), niece's college graduation, and heading to Boston at the end of the month to prepare for the arrival of my third grandson, fifth grandchild!
As for the house: finishing the living room floor, the fence is going back up, the front rails and steps will be replaced/repaired, and now I can paint that room! Also, one of my baby girls is moving in for just a few weeks- her family will join her when possible- so, I won't be alone.
I've started dancing again.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
I am stifled...
My mother is here. Everything comes to a screeching halt. Seriously, she is fussing at me for having some items on the sideboard - she wants to put them "away" - and the guest room is strewn with her clutter (makes me cringe inside every time I see it!).
I cannot do projects while she is here. It is a constant - "well, can't you call someone else to come in and do that?" No, I can't. I don't have that kind of money. It's my project - I'll do it once you are gone!
Why can't I enjoy this visit? Why do I feel so "invaded"?? I truly don't know - unless it's the constant questions, "Where did you get that?" "I'm curious as to why you have that there?" "What is that on your calendar? What does it mean?" etc., etc., etc. I won't go into every little detail - even picking up my mail and looking on the outside to see who it's from and then asking me who they are?
She wants me to go out and socialize (with whom?). And, of course, to get rid of my "Korean fantasy world". I haven't been able to dance once since she has been here. Yes, I listen to my music all the time - it helps me breathe.
Finally, the sun is shining and the weather is getting just a little warmer. But I can't sand floors or paint while she is here. I even need to run the carpet cleaner but that's the room she spread all of her papers out on the table on ever since the first night here. Yes, that clutter bothers me in the dining room.
She wants me to totally clean off the sunporch but she also brought boxes and coolers full of food - put them out there and drew in the ants. Been fighting them now for a few days. What did she do to get rid of them? Poured water all over my floor!!!!!!!! I went out there and almost yelled at Jack - thought he had "gone" in the house. When I started mopping it up, then she insisted that she had cleaned it all up and that it was dry. Far from it! I asked her not to go pouring water on my floors - so I sprayed in there. She then moved all those things to the kitchen table - next thing you know - my kitchen is crawling with ants.
Like I said, I cannot "do" any of my projects while she is here. If I disappear for awhile in the house, then she starts screaming for me (and she can't hear my response) so she just screams louder. Again, how can I close myself off and attend to projects when I can't close myself off in the study to work?
I have been totally lectured on how I should be on supplements all week long - and can she start mailing me the things that she takes???
Yes, I am retreating into my "Korean fantasy world" - I can't cope. I am raging inside. The things that she wants to focus on for preparing my house for showings....I am SO stressed.
Why does my mother do this to me? If I hear one more time about how she needs to go pick up the sticks in my yard....And then what? That means I would have to load up my van and haul them all to the dump. I personally don't want to deal with that at the moment. It creates more work for me. No, I can't pay someone to come pick it up and haul it away. (her current response to everything - can she pay someone to sand my floors, to paint the bathroom, to clean my house??). NO! Just let me deal with it after you are gone....
Time to go prepare for class. Another one of my escapes.
I pray that I don't do this to my children. Truly.
I cannot do projects while she is here. It is a constant - "well, can't you call someone else to come in and do that?" No, I can't. I don't have that kind of money. It's my project - I'll do it once you are gone!
Why can't I enjoy this visit? Why do I feel so "invaded"?? I truly don't know - unless it's the constant questions, "Where did you get that?" "I'm curious as to why you have that there?" "What is that on your calendar? What does it mean?" etc., etc., etc. I won't go into every little detail - even picking up my mail and looking on the outside to see who it's from and then asking me who they are?
She wants me to go out and socialize (with whom?). And, of course, to get rid of my "Korean fantasy world". I haven't been able to dance once since she has been here. Yes, I listen to my music all the time - it helps me breathe.
Finally, the sun is shining and the weather is getting just a little warmer. But I can't sand floors or paint while she is here. I even need to run the carpet cleaner but that's the room she spread all of her papers out on the table on ever since the first night here. Yes, that clutter bothers me in the dining room.
She wants me to totally clean off the sunporch but she also brought boxes and coolers full of food - put them out there and drew in the ants. Been fighting them now for a few days. What did she do to get rid of them? Poured water all over my floor!!!!!!!! I went out there and almost yelled at Jack - thought he had "gone" in the house. When I started mopping it up, then she insisted that she had cleaned it all up and that it was dry. Far from it! I asked her not to go pouring water on my floors - so I sprayed in there. She then moved all those things to the kitchen table - next thing you know - my kitchen is crawling with ants.
Like I said, I cannot "do" any of my projects while she is here. If I disappear for awhile in the house, then she starts screaming for me (and she can't hear my response) so she just screams louder. Again, how can I close myself off and attend to projects when I can't close myself off in the study to work?
I have been totally lectured on how I should be on supplements all week long - and can she start mailing me the things that she takes???
Yes, I am retreating into my "Korean fantasy world" - I can't cope. I am raging inside. The things that she wants to focus on for preparing my house for showings....I am SO stressed.
Why does my mother do this to me? If I hear one more time about how she needs to go pick up the sticks in my yard....And then what? That means I would have to load up my van and haul them all to the dump. I personally don't want to deal with that at the moment. It creates more work for me. No, I can't pay someone to come pick it up and haul it away. (her current response to everything - can she pay someone to sand my floors, to paint the bathroom, to clean my house??). NO! Just let me deal with it after you are gone....
Time to go prepare for class. Another one of my escapes.
I pray that I don't do this to my children. Truly.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
My Grammie and I ....
My Grammie and I had a very interesting relationship throughout the years. I was always a bit afraid of her. She firmly believed that children should be seen and not heard - so, as long as we weren't noisy I guess she didn't mind being around us. Of course, that meant that we should also spend most of the hours at her house playing outside and remaining out from underfoot.
She definitely preferred the boys - my big brother and my cousin Sam were her two favorites out of all of us. I didn't know my Granddaddy - my brother holds all of his memories - as my Granddaddy was gone by the time I was 2 years old. I must not have been around him that much because I remember my Great-Uncle Charlie and I had to have formed those memories around the same age that my Granddaddy would have still been alive. So, for me, Grammie was always alone. I once asked her why she never remarried after he had died while they were in their 50s and she told me that once you've had the best there is no desire to look elsewhere. My Grammie lived another 50 years after she was left alone. (Yes, she was over 100 and had lived in three centuries when she passed away).
Maybe that's why I've been thinking of her so much recently. My birthday is fast approaching. I'm older than my grandfather was when he passed away. A brain aneurism took him quickly - he never knew what hit him. One moment he was on vacation sitting on the front porch visiting family and the next moment he had keeled over - dead. My big brother adored him - my grandmother adored him - and so did my father - so I guess he was one pretty awesome guy.
So, I am forced to look at my life and think - wow, I could live another 50 years and never be able to experience the love of a good man again. Those kinds of thoughts have to be pushed aside - so that I don't focus on them and become depressed and/or bitter. I have to look at my beautiful children and grandchildren. And, I have to be the kind of Grammie who isn't scary like my old "German bulldog" of a Grammie. She liked me when I was reading poetry or working on genealogy records - other than that I never felt as though I garnished much of her attention.
After all, she is the force who dictated that no one on my father's side of the family would be allowed to attend my wedding in the Catholic church - and they all listened - including my cousins who happened to live in the same city. So, it was monumental when she actually pulled me aside one day and told me that I was "doing it right" in reference to my parenting skills. I think that is probably the last compliment that I ever received from her - if not the only one that I received during my adult years.
Despite my fear of her, one truly had to admire my Grammie. She was in the first graduating class of the School of Nursing at the University of Cincinnati - and she went back to nursing when my Granddaddy left her alone at a relatively "young" age. When she passed away, even though she had lost her eyesight, my Grammie still had full mental faculties. She had a mind like a steel trap, that never forgot anything. She was once a church organist and she always sang in her church choir - all the way up into her 90s.
She was raised bilingual - with her parents being the ones to come to America in the 1880s. The only German phrase that I heard growing up and remembered was "Das ist verboten"! (That is forbidden!). My dad taught me Spanish when I was five years old instead of German. (He had bad memories of his great-grandmother living with them and hitting him with a cane every time he spoke English in the house - he stopped speaking German when she passed away the year that he was 12 - and then he picked it back up again in his 60s).
What a strange background that I came from. Of course, I was distanced from my Grammie over the years because of my Dad's divorces and remarriages. My other grandmother had passed away when I was three and a half years old and she left me with many wonderful memories of playtime and cooking time with her. She was a teacher and loved being around children - in fact, I felt as though she totally doted on me and that her love made up for the lack of love that I felt from my Grammie. Which may make you wonder, why did I decide to be called Grammie by my grandbabies instead of Dear Ma - like my grandmother and my mother chose?
Mainly because, in my mind, there was truly only one Dear Ma in this world. It blew me away when my mother requested to be called that - it just didn't seem right in my mind (not that I ever went against my mother's request). Also, my mother-in-law was another German Grammie - and she was such a warm, playful, loving grandmother (who never played favorites among her grandchildren) that I wanted to be a lot like her.
My Grammie and I both loved poetry, science, and genealogy. I was told that the reason we probably always butted heads was because we were a lot alike. Personally, I was never sure about that one but I do look like her and I will never forget her great words of wisdom: "after a good meal, there is always room for cheesecake".
She definitely preferred the boys - my big brother and my cousin Sam were her two favorites out of all of us. I didn't know my Granddaddy - my brother holds all of his memories - as my Granddaddy was gone by the time I was 2 years old. I must not have been around him that much because I remember my Great-Uncle Charlie and I had to have formed those memories around the same age that my Granddaddy would have still been alive. So, for me, Grammie was always alone. I once asked her why she never remarried after he had died while they were in their 50s and she told me that once you've had the best there is no desire to look elsewhere. My Grammie lived another 50 years after she was left alone. (Yes, she was over 100 and had lived in three centuries when she passed away).
Maybe that's why I've been thinking of her so much recently. My birthday is fast approaching. I'm older than my grandfather was when he passed away. A brain aneurism took him quickly - he never knew what hit him. One moment he was on vacation sitting on the front porch visiting family and the next moment he had keeled over - dead. My big brother adored him - my grandmother adored him - and so did my father - so I guess he was one pretty awesome guy.
So, I am forced to look at my life and think - wow, I could live another 50 years and never be able to experience the love of a good man again. Those kinds of thoughts have to be pushed aside - so that I don't focus on them and become depressed and/or bitter. I have to look at my beautiful children and grandchildren. And, I have to be the kind of Grammie who isn't scary like my old "German bulldog" of a Grammie. She liked me when I was reading poetry or working on genealogy records - other than that I never felt as though I garnished much of her attention.
After all, she is the force who dictated that no one on my father's side of the family would be allowed to attend my wedding in the Catholic church - and they all listened - including my cousins who happened to live in the same city. So, it was monumental when she actually pulled me aside one day and told me that I was "doing it right" in reference to my parenting skills. I think that is probably the last compliment that I ever received from her - if not the only one that I received during my adult years.
Despite my fear of her, one truly had to admire my Grammie. She was in the first graduating class of the School of Nursing at the University of Cincinnati - and she went back to nursing when my Granddaddy left her alone at a relatively "young" age. When she passed away, even though she had lost her eyesight, my Grammie still had full mental faculties. She had a mind like a steel trap, that never forgot anything. She was once a church organist and she always sang in her church choir - all the way up into her 90s.
She was raised bilingual - with her parents being the ones to come to America in the 1880s. The only German phrase that I heard growing up and remembered was "Das ist verboten"! (That is forbidden!). My dad taught me Spanish when I was five years old instead of German. (He had bad memories of his great-grandmother living with them and hitting him with a cane every time he spoke English in the house - he stopped speaking German when she passed away the year that he was 12 - and then he picked it back up again in his 60s).
What a strange background that I came from. Of course, I was distanced from my Grammie over the years because of my Dad's divorces and remarriages. My other grandmother had passed away when I was three and a half years old and she left me with many wonderful memories of playtime and cooking time with her. She was a teacher and loved being around children - in fact, I felt as though she totally doted on me and that her love made up for the lack of love that I felt from my Grammie. Which may make you wonder, why did I decide to be called Grammie by my grandbabies instead of Dear Ma - like my grandmother and my mother chose?
Mainly because, in my mind, there was truly only one Dear Ma in this world. It blew me away when my mother requested to be called that - it just didn't seem right in my mind (not that I ever went against my mother's request). Also, my mother-in-law was another German Grammie - and she was such a warm, playful, loving grandmother (who never played favorites among her grandchildren) that I wanted to be a lot like her.
My Grammie and I both loved poetry, science, and genealogy. I was told that the reason we probably always butted heads was because we were a lot alike. Personally, I was never sure about that one but I do look like her and I will never forget her great words of wisdom: "after a good meal, there is always room for cheesecake".
Sunday, April 12, 2015
My heart hurts....
I'll admit it. I am having a really, really tough weekend.
He came over today to take care of some things here at the house. He was over here yesterday, too. Both times I had seemingly very comfortable conversations. Afterwards, the tears don't stop. Not like when you are uncontrollably sobbing - but more like your eyes just can't stop "leaking".
It certainly doesn't help that today is grey and overcast (I am very affected by weather - can handle things much better when the sun shines brightly). I need to get everything fixed here at the house - and put it back into "spotless" mode. This house needs to sell soon - this state really isn't big enough for the two of us anymore.
I also need to get EVERYTHING completed for my applications to jobs in another state. I will move first if I get a job elsewhere - and leave the house behind for the moment.
As I said, my heart hurts....memories are strong as I clean out, throw away, re-decorate. In the meantime, I will put on a brave face, smile, and act like nothing is going on.... I will focus on images like this of Jonghyun's smile (which even makes me smile through my tears as it is one that "brightens up the world").
He came over today to take care of some things here at the house. He was over here yesterday, too. Both times I had seemingly very comfortable conversations. Afterwards, the tears don't stop. Not like when you are uncontrollably sobbing - but more like your eyes just can't stop "leaking".
It certainly doesn't help that today is grey and overcast (I am very affected by weather - can handle things much better when the sun shines brightly). I need to get everything fixed here at the house - and put it back into "spotless" mode. This house needs to sell soon - this state really isn't big enough for the two of us anymore.
I also need to get EVERYTHING completed for my applications to jobs in another state. I will move first if I get a job elsewhere - and leave the house behind for the moment.
As I said, my heart hurts....memories are strong as I clean out, throw away, re-decorate. In the meantime, I will put on a brave face, smile, and act like nothing is going on.... I will focus on images like this of Jonghyun's smile (which even makes me smile through my tears as it is one that "brightens up the world").
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Beyond the Ides of March....
Spring is supposedly here. We've had two nice days of warm weather and the forecast is for freezing temps by morning.
Depression comes and goes. I no longer have all the meds in my system that my doctors had prescribed so I'm coping through prayer, music, and K-dramas. Yep, they all help.
However, going to church is becoming more and more difficult in this community. I feel as though I've lost not only my home - but my place in my faith community. I am "just" a visitor - no longer connected to anything within the parish. And, if I make a mistake, like I did today and end up at Mass with him - then I find that the pain is too much. I had to leave my seat as soon as I sat down this morning - not realizing that he was there (for that Mass has been safe for the past few Sundays) - but then I looked up and saw him. I immediately couldn't breathe and got up - fighting to stay inside the church and not walk out - I ended up sitting in the very back, with my view blocked. It doesn't help that he sings when he is there because I can't block that out. I pulled out my rosary and immediately started praying for my Holy Mother's help.
It didn't stop the tears - but it did give me some strength. Strength to remain and to focus on Jesus.
Will I always be this weak? Will I continue to cry whenever I see him or hear him? Will the migraines continue to hit - out of the blue?
Spring is supposed to be about new beginnings - when will I feel as though I've truly stepped into spring?
Depression comes and goes. I no longer have all the meds in my system that my doctors had prescribed so I'm coping through prayer, music, and K-dramas. Yep, they all help.
However, going to church is becoming more and more difficult in this community. I feel as though I've lost not only my home - but my place in my faith community. I am "just" a visitor - no longer connected to anything within the parish. And, if I make a mistake, like I did today and end up at Mass with him - then I find that the pain is too much. I had to leave my seat as soon as I sat down this morning - not realizing that he was there (for that Mass has been safe for the past few Sundays) - but then I looked up and saw him. I immediately couldn't breathe and got up - fighting to stay inside the church and not walk out - I ended up sitting in the very back, with my view blocked. It doesn't help that he sings when he is there because I can't block that out. I pulled out my rosary and immediately started praying for my Holy Mother's help.
It didn't stop the tears - but it did give me some strength. Strength to remain and to focus on Jesus.
Will I always be this weak? Will I continue to cry whenever I see him or hear him? Will the migraines continue to hit - out of the blue?
Spring is supposed to be about new beginnings - when will I feel as though I've truly stepped into spring?
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Severely
Okay, so this is the saddest music video ever, beautifully sung and acted by Lee Hong Ki (my bias in FT Island). Truly, watch it and weep.
This morning, the alarm didn't awaken me. My dreams did. (Or nightmares). I was sobbing in my dream - brokenhearted for my child (who was a little one) - she had just been emotionally hurt and I had my arms around her, I remember fussing at him because he had caused the hurt, and there he was - putting his arms around me to comfort me. And the thought went through my head, "what are you doing? you haven't cared about me for so long?" - and I woke up.
And the snow is still coming down - and I must really be experiencing some Lenten sorrows. The depression is deep and the snow makes it worse.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
It's been a rough week - no, month - really. Jinjja.
"WE MADE IT THROUGH FEBRUARY!!!! I thought we wouldn't. Seriously."
That's the status on one of my dear friend's facebook walls today. It feels ominous. However, after yesterday, I feel as though the worst has already hit and she's right, we're going to make it out of this month.
This has been a month of copious amounts of snow. All across the mid-section of the country up through the northeast. Kentucky is still frozen under and Boston has SO much of the white stuff that they've been trucking it out. seriously. Jinjja. One of the funniest reactions was this:
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/national-international/Harlan-Kentucky-Warrant-Frozen-Elsa-292729731.html?_osource=SocialFlowFB_DCBrand
But it has been no joke!
Then, yesterday, I wasn't feeling well so I stayed in bed most of the morning - only to arise to this news:
I don't know how to express to you how deeply this affects me. I've been crying off and on since I heard the news. It's like losing Elvis, Yul Brynner, Davy Jones....I wanted to grow up and marry Spock and I even considered attending Antioch College just so that I could tread the same pathways as Leonard Nimoy (but that campus was within my "day's drive" radius and I ended up ruling it out). Truly, my husband was tall, dark, handsome and logical - qualities that I so admired in the character of Spock. I feel almost as though my "first love" has passed away.
It was already a rough week - returning home after spending about 10 days with my grandbabies - missing them SO much! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have my babies around me but their precious Little Women and Little Men are something else.
Oh, on top of that, I lost my job. Nothing like feeling like a failure once again.
Really, I "suck" at life. I can't seem to do anything well. Seriously, I'm divorced (which I never, ever, ever wanted to be) with no hopes of ever having a man in my life again - unless my husband comes to his senses and returns home. (And why should he? He's probably happy now without me). (One of my priest friends has felt all along that he's possessed and that I just need to keep the faith and keep praying and stay strong - that's SO hard!). My house isn't going to sell for awhile because I can't afford to paint the outside and that's where all my money is tied up. (Yes, I'm continuing to do things inside - but I'm limited by my strength and my funds). And, I'm not brilliant - I'm just a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. I'm a mediocre teacher - obviously, otherwise I'd be in high demand. I start projects all the time and never get them finished. I've always been the person who throws the party that no one shows up at. That's me. I've always thought I had great friends - but no one has ever missed me "really" when I've moved away. Ever. I'm THAT non-descript person - the one who returns for class reunions and people don't remember who you are or "were".
There is not one single person who wants to talk to me every single day except for my mother. How sad is that? I used to have friends that were inseparable. What happened?
That's the status on one of my dear friend's facebook walls today. It feels ominous. However, after yesterday, I feel as though the worst has already hit and she's right, we're going to make it out of this month.
This has been a month of copious amounts of snow. All across the mid-section of the country up through the northeast. Kentucky is still frozen under and Boston has SO much of the white stuff that they've been trucking it out. seriously. Jinjja. One of the funniest reactions was this:
http://www.nbcwashington.com/news/national-international/Harlan-Kentucky-Warrant-Frozen-Elsa-292729731.html?_osource=SocialFlowFB_DCBrand
But it has been no joke!
Then, yesterday, I wasn't feeling well so I stayed in bed most of the morning - only to arise to this news:
I don't know how to express to you how deeply this affects me. I've been crying off and on since I heard the news. It's like losing Elvis, Yul Brynner, Davy Jones....I wanted to grow up and marry Spock and I even considered attending Antioch College just so that I could tread the same pathways as Leonard Nimoy (but that campus was within my "day's drive" radius and I ended up ruling it out). Truly, my husband was tall, dark, handsome and logical - qualities that I so admired in the character of Spock. I feel almost as though my "first love" has passed away.
It was already a rough week - returning home after spending about 10 days with my grandbabies - missing them SO much! I cannot tell you how much it means to me to have my babies around me but their precious Little Women and Little Men are something else.
Oh, on top of that, I lost my job. Nothing like feeling like a failure once again.
Really, I "suck" at life. I can't seem to do anything well. Seriously, I'm divorced (which I never, ever, ever wanted to be) with no hopes of ever having a man in my life again - unless my husband comes to his senses and returns home. (And why should he? He's probably happy now without me). (One of my priest friends has felt all along that he's possessed and that I just need to keep the faith and keep praying and stay strong - that's SO hard!). My house isn't going to sell for awhile because I can't afford to paint the outside and that's where all my money is tied up. (Yes, I'm continuing to do things inside - but I'm limited by my strength and my funds). And, I'm not brilliant - I'm just a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. I'm a mediocre teacher - obviously, otherwise I'd be in high demand. I start projects all the time and never get them finished. I've always been the person who throws the party that no one shows up at. That's me. I've always thought I had great friends - but no one has ever missed me "really" when I've moved away. Ever. I'm THAT non-descript person - the one who returns for class reunions and people don't remember who you are or "were".
There is not one single person who wants to talk to me every single day except for my mother. How sad is that? I used to have friends that were inseparable. What happened?
Friday, February 27, 2015
Musings
I don't get much time to speak with my "sons". But when I do, I feel so incredibly blessed that my daughters found such wonderful young men to spend their lives with and to bring "home". Truly, I love them as much as if they were my own - of course, you already knew that I had that kind of heart. But these young men are THAT special - loving my daughters, protecting them, and being the kind, compassionate men that they are. I watch them as they attend to my girls - and to their babies - and my heart just swells with joy (and love).
They may not always understand me - but they listen to me. And I love the conversations that we do have time to have. I like hearing about their work - their interests - and their dreams. One recent comment stuck with me - because it brought back echoes from my past : "I wish the world thought it was cool to be Korean". Wow! That one caught me off guard. I thought that "the world" had come a long, long way from my college days. I thought it was "cool" back then. In the 70s, I dated a young man who was half Korean/half Japanese who told me that he had been "stoned" every day after school in Japan because he was "half Korean". The Asian world (China and Japan) looked down upon the Koreans and he couldn't "hide" it because his name was Korean. He came to study in America to escape that kind of prejudice.
Honestly, I've always thought that Asian men are the most beautiful men in the world. Examples from my childhood? Yul Brynner (yes, I'd call Mongolian Asian!), Bruce Lee, James Shigeta, George Takei, Keye Luke, Philip Ahn....(Won Young Cho, Byung Sun Kim, Denny Minami, John Kuo, Moses Lee - oh, yes, you don't know them! My, they were so gorgeous! And, my roommate and best friend heard an awful lot about that - especially since I went out with a couple of them). But, take a look now - Asian men have become even more beautiful! So, why isn't it considered "cool" to be Korean? I've been pondering this. For days.
Korea = Samsung. Hyundai. LG Chem. Kia Motors. POSCO (4th largest steelmaker in the world - backed by Warren Buffet!). K-Pop (yes, this is becoming HUGE! Nickelodeon is going to be producing a show about a K-pop group backed by Nick Cannon) and K-dramas (my "bias" is showing - pun intended - better than American TV because it still concedes to morality and leaves a lot to the imagination). Korean Baseball. Soccer. Golf. Taekwondo. Who hasn't cheered for some of the Koreans in the Olympics???? Rankings of Math/Science students in the world? Korea is usually up there in the top 5! Really? Not cool to be Korean???
But, I did see something disturbing at my niece's wedding at West Point - my son-in-law got profiled. That long line of cars going through to the wedding - his is the one pulled over. Big Bro is the retired policeman so he had to show that he wasn't packing - but that was expected - my son-in-law being requested to pull over wasn't. He handled it so well. His Uncle Rick was very proud of him (as was I). However, is that what he feels on a daily basis? That's one of the many things that I've been pondering. If so, then that makes me very sad. Because he should be so VERY proud of his heritage. It's awesome, you know. Just like with any of the rest of us. We should all be able to look at our roots and be loud and proud. He's a totally American kid - raised in the Buckeye state - half Korean/half Chinese by heritage. What a rich heritage to pass on to their babies in addition to our side of the family! What a great melting pot America is - and should be! (My other set of grandbabies are part Chilean! :) )
However, I think Korean is SO cool that I am learning the language. Immersing myself in the music and the K-dramas. Reading the stories and studying the history. (Just like when I studied Russian in college). Someday, I hope that I can be fluent enough to become a translator and I really do want to go to Korea with his mom when she retires - and take our shared kids and grandbabies and enjoy her country!
I'm not the only one who thinks K-pop is awesome - check out Uzbekistani figure skater, Misha Ge:
And this is one of my favorite singers, Rain (Jung Ji Hoon), in an American film, Ninja Assassin:
And, I'm going to leave you with a photo gallery of some of my favorite idols/stars:
They may not always understand me - but they listen to me. And I love the conversations that we do have time to have. I like hearing about their work - their interests - and their dreams. One recent comment stuck with me - because it brought back echoes from my past : "I wish the world thought it was cool to be Korean". Wow! That one caught me off guard. I thought that "the world" had come a long, long way from my college days. I thought it was "cool" back then. In the 70s, I dated a young man who was half Korean/half Japanese who told me that he had been "stoned" every day after school in Japan because he was "half Korean". The Asian world (China and Japan) looked down upon the Koreans and he couldn't "hide" it because his name was Korean. He came to study in America to escape that kind of prejudice.
Honestly, I've always thought that Asian men are the most beautiful men in the world. Examples from my childhood? Yul Brynner (yes, I'd call Mongolian Asian!), Bruce Lee, James Shigeta, George Takei, Keye Luke, Philip Ahn....(Won Young Cho, Byung Sun Kim, Denny Minami, John Kuo, Moses Lee - oh, yes, you don't know them! My, they were so gorgeous! And, my roommate and best friend heard an awful lot about that - especially since I went out with a couple of them). But, take a look now - Asian men have become even more beautiful! So, why isn't it considered "cool" to be Korean? I've been pondering this. For days.
Korea = Samsung. Hyundai. LG Chem. Kia Motors. POSCO (4th largest steelmaker in the world - backed by Warren Buffet!). K-Pop (yes, this is becoming HUGE! Nickelodeon is going to be producing a show about a K-pop group backed by Nick Cannon) and K-dramas (my "bias" is showing - pun intended - better than American TV because it still concedes to morality and leaves a lot to the imagination). Korean Baseball. Soccer. Golf. Taekwondo. Who hasn't cheered for some of the Koreans in the Olympics???? Rankings of Math/Science students in the world? Korea is usually up there in the top 5! Really? Not cool to be Korean???
But, I did see something disturbing at my niece's wedding at West Point - my son-in-law got profiled. That long line of cars going through to the wedding - his is the one pulled over. Big Bro is the retired policeman so he had to show that he wasn't packing - but that was expected - my son-in-law being requested to pull over wasn't. He handled it so well. His Uncle Rick was very proud of him (as was I). However, is that what he feels on a daily basis? That's one of the many things that I've been pondering. If so, then that makes me very sad. Because he should be so VERY proud of his heritage. It's awesome, you know. Just like with any of the rest of us. We should all be able to look at our roots and be loud and proud. He's a totally American kid - raised in the Buckeye state - half Korean/half Chinese by heritage. What a rich heritage to pass on to their babies in addition to our side of the family! What a great melting pot America is - and should be! (My other set of grandbabies are part Chilean! :) )
However, I think Korean is SO cool that I am learning the language. Immersing myself in the music and the K-dramas. Reading the stories and studying the history. (Just like when I studied Russian in college). Someday, I hope that I can be fluent enough to become a translator and I really do want to go to Korea with his mom when she retires - and take our shared kids and grandbabies and enjoy her country!
I'm not the only one who thinks K-pop is awesome - check out Uzbekistani figure skater, Misha Ge:
And this is one of my favorite singers, Rain (Jung Ji Hoon), in an American film, Ninja Assassin:
Rain singing:
And, I'm going to leave you with a photo gallery of some of my favorite idols/stars:
 |
| Wait for me! Hyun Bin |
 |
| Song Seung Heon |
 |
| Kim Soo Hyun |
 |
| Lee Min Ho |
.jpg) |
| Ji Chang Wook and Park Min Young from Healer |
 |
| Lee Min Ho |
 |
| Taecyeon |
 |
| Lee Joon |
 |
| Lee Min Ho |
 |
| No Min Woo |
 |
| Ji Chang Wook |
 |
| So Ji Sub |
 |
| Kim Jae Joong |
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| Kim Jae Joong |
 |
| Jung Yong Hwa |
 |
| Hyun Bin |
 |
| Kim Jae Joong |
 |
| Kim Jae Joong |
.jpg) |
| Lee Sang Yoon |
 |
| Lee Joon Gi |
 |
| JYJ - Junsu, Jaejoong, Yoochun |
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| Lee Jong Suk |
 |
| Park Hae Jin and Lee Jong Suk |
 |
| Park Hae Jin |
 |
| Infinite |
 |
| Jung Yong Hwa |
.jpg) |
| Rain - Jung Ji Hoon |
 |
| L from Infinite |
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| Nichkhun, Taecyeon, Chansung from 2PM |
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| Choi Jin Hyuk |
 |
| Song Seung Heon |
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| Hong Jong Hyun |
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| Park Shi Hoo |
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| SHINee |
 |
| CNBLUE - YongHwa, Jungshin, Jonghyun, Minhyuk |
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| Super Junior You see, this just adds more proof in my mind as to how "cool" and how gorgeous Koreans are. Totally "daebak"! |
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